Friday, February 4, 2011

Domestic Enemies of the CELEBRITY Mom

We think we've found the most nefarious of Domestic Enemies. Enemies that are so stealth and so well hidden that it almost seems as if they aren't enemies at all. In fact, in most of MommyLand, we didn't even know they were enemies. That's how good they are. But our fabulous, famous, west coast friend Kendra Crawford*, who has more acting trophies than...than...than us, told us that celebrity moms are under siege every day. We thought we needed to alert MommyLand. So, take everything you knew about summer enemies and winter enemies and urban enemies and rural enemies and small town enemies and thank your lucky stars you don't live in Hollywood...

*Kendra Crawford is a made up name.  Because she is completely imaginary. We made her up. Because REAL celebrities are too cool to deal with us.  Can you blame them?

Other Celebrity Moms
You think you b*tches hate dealing with Perfect Mommy? You think Kate is bad? You wish. Kate is so far out of our league, she's playing a different sport. That nasty snitch next door, who just had her ugly baby three weeks ago, showed up at the Golden Globes in a strapless Versace and is now on the cover of the Bible. [That would be People magazine, girls. -Kate] I had a dinner party with food brought in from Paris. But little Miss Oscar Winner had Wolfgang Puck in. her. mur.thur.fur.kin kitchen...which sorta doesn't matter, because of...

We can't actually eat it.  It's not the food itself. We like food. Or, at least we think we remember liking food. Right now, and for the past fifteen years, we see food like a pre-nup. Something you've heard about and possibly seen, but never ever touch. We've discovered that if we smell really really hard, it's almost like actually tasting it. Of course, vodka and red bull don't have any caloric or nutritional components, so we can have as much of that as we want, which leads to our problem with...

I'm not sure why it's so difficult to figure this out. SAG and MPAA and MTV...good. DWI...bad. Girls, just because the DWIs come with all those flashing lights and they take your picture and then everyone writes about you, it doesn't mean it's a good thing. How about this? Stop driving. Maybe cut back on the trips to Agent Provocateur and pay someone to drive you to that trashy club where you can lose another pair of your panties. Which brings me to...

Those Things With The Cameras
Look, we just want to go to the grocery store, or Starbucks, or leave the club a little tipsy without having to get through that horde of clicky black boxes. What is wrong with you people? Yes, I look like crap. It's four thirty in the morning. You aren't looking too hot yourself. And then, if that's not bad enough, you sell them to those even more sinister leeches. Bloggers. [Gulp. We know. - Kate and Lydia] You guys sit around in your yellow kitty jammies slamming us for how we look with no makeup? Hey Kate, you still have that Boobs Akimbo t-shirt? Because that looks *fantastic* on you. Add a pair of clogs and let me take your picture. Snitches. [Holy crap.  Can she see me on my webcam? Because I'm wearing the yellow kitty pj's RIGHT NOW. -Lydia] And, then they hang out outside my house...whuck? Go away before I wind up with...

Exhaustion & Dehydration
I have a very stressful life. Someone has to wake me up, clean my house, fix me food, do my hair and get me dressed. Every. Day. And then I have to read stuff and memorize stuff and make sure I work enough to pay for all these leeches who take all these random percentages of money. It can drive anyone to drink drugs overdose turn into Lindsay Lohan exhaustion.
Add in a warrant for my arrest dehydration and that's three weeks in Palm Springs, having people wake me up, clean my house, fix my food, do my when I get back home, I only have to face...

Thank you, Angelina. We know we all agreed that you could reign over us for a while, mostly because we're scared of you and Julia lit out for New Mexico. But six kids? Have you been around your children? Gah! They're messy. And they smell. And what they want to do to my boobs is just wrong. That. Is. My. Livelihood. Kiddo. You're job is to be cute and quiet and then go from being a tiny baby to a teenager in about two years and then a grown adult two more after that.  I'm not sure how you're not progressing as fast as Erika Kane's children, but you better step it up. Because that snitch is is not going to one-up me.

xoxo Kendra

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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