
*Kendra Crawford is a made up name. Because she is completely imaginary. We made her up. Because REAL celebrities are too cool to deal with us. Can you blame them?

You think you b*tches hate dealing with Perfect Mommy? You think Kate is bad? You wish. Kate is so far out of our league, she's playing a different sport. That nasty snitch next door, who just had her ugly baby three weeks ago, showed up at the Golden Globes in a strapless Versace and is now on the cover of the Bible. [That would be People magazine, girls. -Kate] I had a dinner party with food brought in from Paris. But little Miss Oscar Winner had Wolfgang Puck in. her. mur.thur.fur.kin kitchen...which sorta doesn't matter, because of...
Food
We can't actually eat it. It's not the food itself. We like food. Or, at least we think we remember liking food. Right now, and for the past fifteen years, we see food like a pre-nup. Something you've heard about and possibly seen, but never ever touch. We've discovered that if we smell really really hard, it's almost like actually tasting it. Of course, vodka and red bull don't have any caloric or nutritional components, so we can have as much of that as we want, which leads to our problem with...

I'm not sure why it's so difficult to figure this out. SAG and MPAA and MTV...good. DWI...bad. Girls, just because the DWIs come with all those flashing lights and they take your picture and then everyone writes about you, it doesn't mean it's a good thing. How about this? Stop driving. Maybe cut back on the trips to Agent Provocateur and pay someone to drive you to that trashy club where you can lose another pair of your panties. Which brings me to...
Those Things With The Cameras

Exhaustion & Dehydration
I have a very stressful life. Someone has to wake me up, clean my house, fix me food, do my hair and get me dressed. Every. Day. And then I have to read stuff and memorize stuff and make sure I work enough to pay for all these leeches who take all these random percentages of money. It can drive anyone to
Add in

Thank you, Angelina. We know we all agreed that you could reign over us for a while, mostly because we're scared of you and Julia lit out for New Mexico. But six kids? Have you been around your children? Gah! They're messy. And they smell. And what they want to do to my boobs is just wrong. That. Is. My. Livelihood. Kiddo. You're job is to be cute and quiet and then go from being a tiny baby to a teenager in about two years and then a grown adult two more after that. I'm not sure how you're not progressing as fast as Erika Kane's children, but you better step it up. Because that snitch is is not going to one-up me.
xoxo Kendra
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011