Monday, February 7, 2011

Five More Questions for my Husband

I have written five questions for my husband before.  I just didn't realize that I would have to continue ask him stuff. But apparently I do...
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The Longest Yard? Is in the Kitchen.
Rinsing off your dishes and then putting them on the counter will only make me want to kill you in your sleep. Because the dishwasher is right there. RIGHT THERE.  Picture me pointing.  Literally right beneath where you just set your slightly moistened dishes.

While we’re at it, can we talk about the recycling? The recycling goes right outside the back door. I know you’re worried that your dishes will get lonely on the counter. They won’t, I promise. They hate each other. The recycling resents the dishes because, while we keep the dishes and wash them in a sudsy bath of warm water in a special machine, the recycling gets dumped unloved in a big plastic bin outside. The dishes are snotty to the recycling because, let’s face it, the recycling barely even qualifies as “the help.” Don’t leave the dishes and the recycling next to each on the counter because they’ll fight and the dishes will gloat and use bad language around our children. And the recycling basically plays the part of the orphan in this kitchen melodrama, and I don’t want to see our two-year old dancing around with a beer bottle singing “Hard Knock Life” . . . again.

Oh, you’re interested in sports?
I hadn’t noticed. Here’s what I have noticed. I can’t get near my own laptop between the hours of whenever you are home and whenever you leave. And I’ve noticed that I’m unable to have a conversation with you that doesn’t include something about the recruiting efforts of the University of Michigan football team. And I keep hearing about pitchers and catchers reporting. Reporting what? Are they snitches or tattletales? Oh wait, that’s right. Spring Training. Moving on. Could you please have your love of sports motivate you to register your son for Little League before the early-registration deadline passes? It’s like a coupon that’s sports-related, so that should count as a double coupon or a double-double or whatever works for you (I hope).

I know you want a Man-Cave, but you do know I could use a little help in the other rooms, right?
If you actually ever get a man-cave, will it mean you're giving up all ownership over the rest of the house? I hope not. I could really use your help. You see, there are some other rooms with some major issues. The kitchen, for example, is a room that benefits you a few times a day that could really use your help. You see, that’s where the food is cooked and the dishes go to be washed. I KNOW! Who would’ve thought of that? There are no helper monkeys or elves or fairies who cook and clean for us. It’s been . . . dirty secret time here. . . ME. And I could really use a little help in the cook’s station and in the other rooms. And if you want to get cable wired into the kitchen so you can help occasionally with the benefit of your friends at ESPN, I’d be agreeable and even be willing to call the whole house the Man-Cave if it gets the job done.


Thank you for stating the glaringly obvious. What do you think I do all day?
You know what’s funny to me? When you’re home on the weekends and spending long stretches of time with the kids, that you feel compelled to make glaringly obvious observations about them. To me. I’m a stay at home mom. Paying attention to them all the time is sort of my job. So when you say things like: “Mini steals yogurt from the fridge all the time! Like enough yogurt to keep Jamie Lee Curtis regular forever.” or “Why is Thumbelina saying things like “You GO, Girl!” and “You KNOW that’s right, baby” like she’s on the Steve Harvey Show?”

Dude. Your baby learned to open the fridge right after Thanksgiving and my life has pretty much been over since then. Remember that time she put a pork chop on your face at like 6:00 am while you were sleeping?That's right. Because she can get in the fridge and pilfer stuff. I find half-eaten sticks of butter all over the house. And Thumbelina apparently watched an episode of that show at a friend’s house and was deeply impressed. We’re hoping it’s a phase that passes quickly as she called our 94 year old neighbor “Babygirl” yesterday.

Two year olds can’t dress themselves. And you understand why they shouldn’t, right?
I agree that kids should be taught to be independent. And to wear what they want. But remember that time when Thumbelina was 2 and you told her that if she got dressed all by herself that you’d take her to Starbucks? And ten minutes later she walked out wearing a bathing suit, sweatpants, 25 strands of mardi gras beads, snow boots, red sunglasses and a Santa hat? And then you took her to Starbucks? Or that time when you let Mini wear a Tinkerbelle costume and Crocs to church? Right. When you do things like that, people see the two of you and think: “Awwww… It’s daddy’s weekend” or “That man has no idea that his baby’s pants are on inside out.”

Our 2 year old must not be allowed to dress herself for one very important reason. She is sneaky. She will tell you she has a diaper on when she doesn’t. And then, when you least expect it she will pee on you. Actually. Just kidding. That last part was a joke. Go ahead and let her get dressed on her own.

Bye! Looooove you! Have fun at Starbucks! Be sure to take your car!

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We have a brand new post about little girls, make-up and Walmart in our column at the Washington Times Communities.  Please check it out if you have a minute!
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

30 comments:

  1. I read this while nursing the baby this morning and he bit me twice because I was laughing so hard. It went something like this: "Bwah ha ha! OUCH! MotherF&*#%$!" Thanks for that social bonding moment. Anyway, my husband is the king of weekend observations. Thanks for info, hon!

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  2. How.did.you.know???? How did you know that in my sink there is currently one plate, one pan, one spatula and several knives from DH's most recent cooking experiment. The experiment that took place on Saturday morning. Plates that I refuse to rinse off and put in the dishwasher for him because he is a grown MAN. Here's another question for our hubs-Why do you think I magically know the status of the dishwasher? OPEN IT UP. USE YOUR EYES to see if the dishes are dirty or clean. Thanks!!

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  3. My prescious little cup cake pilfers apples from the fridge all day long. I find half eaten apples all over the house. We've since installed a lock on the fridge which means I can't get my cokes Out without cursing.

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  4. Two-year-old's self-chosen outfit? That's my kid!!

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  5. Dear Lydia,
    Please remove the spycams ASAP. You're creeping me out.
    Love,
    Cali

    We had a fight this weekend about 5 out of 5 of the items on this list.

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  6. It's a world wide problem, it seems. It used to make me nuts when hubby would leave his breakfast dishes in the sink, but then I realized he was just trying to be quiet in the mornings and not wake me up. Sometimes there's a sweet motive behind the irritating behavior.

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  7. Not just the dishes... the dirty clothes too. WHY is your dirty underwear laying on the floor NEXT TO the dirty clothes basket? Did you decide since it is in the vicinity, it is close enough? Not. Close. Enough.
    And stop with the "where is..." questions. Really? Just look. You will be surprised at what you find when you look! It is the same thing I will have to do.

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  8. How about when he DOES offer to clean up the dinner mess, but then it takes him 5+ hours, as he gets distracted - by needing to check the score, by the kids needing something (he clearly hasn't learned the phrase, "you'll just have to wait" yet...), and by needing to let a pan "soak" and so yet again, I finish it all up at 11 pm. But thanks for the effort, honey.

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  9. The husband travels one week a month. When he comes home he all "and what DID you do all week?" Really? This from the man who thinks the dishwasher in next to the couch in the family room?

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  10. If there was a "love" button on FB, I would click it.
    I'm jealous of you, that yours actually rinse off the dishes. My knight in shining armor will actually tell the kids to do this and put them in the dishwasher, but often does not do this himself.
    And the kids? Does CPS investigate moms who put damp towels and laundry on their kids' beds? Because I'm about to do this. They were asked 3x to do this yesterday, after I found this mess on the bathroom floor that I actually got down on my hands and knees to scrub because it was so dirty with their filth.
    I would merely do this to assist them with their pick-own-stuff-up deficiencies, because in order to sleep in their beds tonight, they would then have to actually remove the damp laundry. Evenn if it just makes it to their floor, they'd still have to do some work, because cold, damp beds are their kryptonite.
    Just wonderin'.

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  11. Jamie - "And stop with the "where is..." questions. Really? Just look. You will be surprised at what you find when you look! It is the same thing I will have to do." OMG. My son does this now too. It's like he's in training. Heaven forbid you have to MOVE something to find what you are looking for!!!

    K & L - You had me at dishes. ;-) Love you ladies! And BTW - I have read and re read your latest Maternal Ammunition article... I Heart You. And I'm terrified of my daughter getting any older...

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  12. Three words: Call of Duty.

    It takes a responsible, contributing man and turns him into a drooling, slack-jawed lazy bones. Thanks, XBox Live, you're awesome.

    "Don't worry about the dishes, babe. The maid'll take care of that. When did we get a maid? Oh, about five years ago... when you married her."

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  13. When I cook? "Thanks, hon." and off he goes to watch PTI or CNN. Dishes on table. Food still on stove. I clank around, muttering, as he relaxes.
    When HE cooks?
    "Well, THAT was a great meal, if I do say so myself!" sez he. And then he says, "Since I cooked, you'll clean and put away, right?"
    The kitchen looked like Julia Child exploded in the middle of making a Beef Wellington.

    Favorite:
    "Well, I _started_ to load the dishwasher."
    Translated: I put three cups in there, and a knife. With the clean dishes I didn't notice were still there.

    Holy Mother of Maude, WHY?
    --kate in michigan

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  14. Even worse than rinsing dishes and putting them by the dishwasher: emptying out the dishes I've been soaking and piling them on the counter (with NO rinsing) to get all crusty again. *&*@!!

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  15. Obviously our houses have the same layout...and maybe husbands who are twins? Or, creepier, maybe you have spycams everywhere! Funny stuff here, gals, thanks for the post!

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  16. I don't understand what you mean about putting dishes "in" the dishwasher -- you mean that thing opens up or something? My wife NEVER told me that.

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  17. I'm lucky that besides being clutter blind, my hubby is super on top of the kitchen. He thinks I don't know how to run the dishwasher properly and you know what? I'm totally fine with that. But I do have my fears, as my due date approaches with our first and his mother shares more and more horror stories from his own toddlerhood...

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  18. Oh no. Let me tell you about THE KITCHEN! We were ripping everything out of the bathroom for a full-on decontamination scrub-down and the first thing he does is remove the heater grating. We live in a nearly 100 year old house so that's about how long this heater grate has been living on the bathroom floor. He takes it to the kitchen sink. THEN he uses my new kitchen vegetable scrub brush to "clean" it! Oh yeah. THEN, after I ever-so-politely ask that he NOT use kitchen implements that touch our food to scrub things from the bathroom floor, he takes THE PLUNGER AND TOILET BRUSH and submerges them in the KITCHEN SINK TO CLEAN THEM TOO!! Ok, talk about nearly losing my schmidt... but I could not BECAUSE I had used up all my stitch capital on a fight the VERY night before that I had won. So very sweetly, I suggested that please, next time, could we use the basement wash basin for the biohazard projects? Prettypleaseandthankyoudarling?...? mrthrfrknsnfawhrmngrbstrd... GGRRAAAGGGHHH!!!!

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  19. And just so you know. I love my JayDub. He is my soulmate. It's just, you know, sometimes....

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  20. OMG, YankeeMama, I have been known to throw away glasses and plates that have made their way into the bathroom. I cannot even imagine seeing a plunger soaking in my kitchen sink. Eeeeek!

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  21. you channeled me today.....even though mine is out of town...This.Is.Great!

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  22. Let's just say, MUCHO MUCHO MUCHO MUCHO BLEACH!!

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  23. Before you lose what is left of your mind, go get a crap-load of these locking straps and, while all the kids are sleeping, use them to lock up everything in your house http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=533872 AND http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=261755

    my youngest (who is now 6.5) figured out how to open every child lock I could find before he was 2. Luckily, I discovered these 2 kinds of straps 'cause they were the only way I could maintain my sanity with the ninja baby in the house. The adjustable locking ones are awesome for the fridge - he still has a hard time getting that kind open.

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  24. And the laundry. My husband asks me, EVERY MORNING, "Hey, Babe, did you wash any of my jeans last night?". Um, no. Because they are in the middle of the bedroom floor, right where they fell off of you exactly 20 seconds before you fell into bed. Only, after watching 2 hours of American Chopper, Sr. vs. Jr, and eating that huge bowl of ice cream. Oh, and I didn't wash that dish either, because it's still sitting on the coffee table. For the same reason that the restaurant dishwasher doesn't go into the "front of the house" to bus the tables... And, BTW, your jeans are still on the bedroom floor. They probably won't walk into the laundry room by themselves, so they probably won't get washed today either. "Hey, 'Babe', have YOU seen my bra?" No, you haven't. Because it's in my dresser drawer. Right where it belongs. So I can find it. Just 'sayin.

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  25. LOL! half-eaten sticks of butter! LOVE it!
    Also, my 3yr old dresses herself, and those are EXACTLY the types of outfits she chooses. To wear. To school. Or church. It's fantastic really. It at least warns others of her exuberant personality!

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  26. I feel like I do laundry CONSTANTLY, and the place it gets piled is on one of the couches in our living room. One day my husband (gasp!) did a load of laundry! I was stunned. I went to the laundry-folding couch and didn't see the load that now needed to be folded. So I asked where it was. He said "It's on the couch." (The other one) But could he leave it at that? Nope. He continued "Because apparently that's the way we do it around here." Lovely.

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  27. Don't give in to the "Man Cave"! Mine has one and I rarely see him. He keeps asking when we are going to put a bathroom down there and I say never. Because that's the only time I see him...when he has to pee.

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  28. Your husband rinses his dishes?!?! :o A girl can dream...

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  29. My youngest has thought that he is entitled to eat when ever the whim strikes him since he could walk. By the time he was 2 we had two different 'child proof' refrigerator locks on the fridge and he figured them both out. I still had to fight with the darned things but he could pop them open like MiniHoudini.

    Also, MiniHoudini and Mr.Kelpie liked to get up before everyone else, jimmy the baby gate on their room and flood the bathroom EVERY morning. Do you think I ever got to be the one who stayed in the nice warm bed while Hubster went to be bad cop? Not bitter, not at all, really I'm FINE.

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  30. LMAO.

    I can relate to every single one of these five questions. The saddest is the sports one, though. I am (or used to be) a sports chick. Now, I just smile and nod when the hubs starts talking about our local teams, specific injuries to specific players, etc. Sometimes I don’t even know who is ON our local sports teams anymore.

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