Friday, February 25, 2011

Just One Day

We know we're lucky.  We spend a lot of time sweating the small stuff.  Stuff that's annoying but ultimately unimportant.  We whine too much.  We have friends who have special needs kiddos or husbands deployed or other serious stuff to deal with.  And do they whine?  Maybe a little.  But at least they've earned it. 

We on the other hand are just flabby losers who need to vent about about the idiotic things we suspect that everyone deals with every day. The stupid small stuff that little by little adds up to Mommy Losing Her Schmidt. We're hoping you'll accept this list for what it is and maybe even add to it.  Here goes:

I would like just one day where:
  • I do not have to touch someone else's dookie.  Seriously.  Just one day where everyone goes on the potty, nobody leaves a smear for me to scrub out of underpants or the carpet, or where I have to go looking for it by sniffing around like damn bloodhound while saying 'WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!"
  • No body cries. No crying today! Today is the day of no one crying.  There's no crying in baseball and for one day, there's no crying in my house.

  • There's not a sibling skirmish that results in screaming or a WWE-style cage match.
  • I get enough sleep that I don't wake up looking like the Emperor from Star Wars.
  • No one says, "But I was just..." followed by something incredibly stupid, like "seeing what the dog would look like with duct tape earrings."
  • Small fingers stay out of holes they're not supposed to be in.
  • I don't have to hear about the Wii or Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga.  Just one day. No Star Wars. Please.
  • Socks and shoes and backpacks find themselves where they're supposed to be without me having to ask fifteen times.  It's not like you can go to school barefoot. In February.  Use your brains, offspring.  Put them on.  For the love of Maude, put them on.
  • I actually get to pee alone.
  • Band-Aids are used for their intended purposes.
  • I don't instantly soak my socks by stepping in huge puddle of....of warm.
  • There's no stomping.
  • There's also no slamming of doors. Or, in McGee's case, the slamming of air.
  • The laundry is actually done and that douche of a laundry fairy Randy goes to someone else's house to pick on them for a while.
  • I am not forced to use half a roll of paper towels to wipe up something that is both viscous and crunchy.
  • The phrase "smell this" is followed by the aroma of something enjoyable.
  • Nothing gets lost, misplaced, or flushed down the toilet. Or half-flushed down...and I get to go toilet snorkeling.
  • My camera on my Precious isn't full of pictures of body parts, specifically the view up your nose. 
  • There's no wheedling or whining. Especially for things that are ca-ray-zee-town.  Like can we go to LegoLand after school? No. It's in California.
  • You don't use my bra as a hat. Or my Tampax as artillery.
  • At the end of the night, I don't have to look at my shirt and say, "Oh, God. What is that?"

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. Good grief, you guys are awesome! What a perfect list!

    I have to say that I have two (out of three) special needs kids and a husband who will deploy in a couple of months and I don't care one bit if you (or anyone) complains about the little things. I LOVE it! It makes me feel so much more *normal*. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one who lives in Crazytown.

  2. A-freakin'-men.... a-freakin'-men. I, too, often wish for these things. Not only do I get followed into the bathroom by the kids... but the cat figured out how to pull the bottom of the door with her paw (it doesn't latch right) and pull it open. Then the dog comes in to join the party too.

  3. -i can be a *real* stay-at-home-mom and just sit on my ass eating bon-bons while watching soap operas.
    -i can do something FUN that doesn't involve kid, husband, bills, groceries, or hubby texting every 15 minutes asking when im coming back b/c apparently taking care of an 11 month old is tough stuff. i totally need my nails done...but i think that even counts as a chore. lol.
    -i see another human besides my hubby and baby. maybe then i will stop pining after the morning weather guy. maybe the baby will too. she is quite smitten.
    if i coulda slept last night i might have something better, but was too excited...signing lease for new apartment today. w00t! 5 boxes packed so far...not counting the christmas stuff. *slams head against laptop* im gonna need more coffee.

  4. I can go the whole day without changing shirts. Which means, Munchkin can go the whole day without vurping warm, wet, sticky YUCK down my neck, down the boob crack, covering half of my shirt.

  5. I just wanted to let you know I am the parents of a special needs child and I LOOOOOVE your whining! I read this blog every morning and it puts a smile on my face because, believe me, I whine about the very same things. Thanks for always giving me a good laugh. :)

  6. A puddle of WARM?

    Hahahaaahaaa. haahaaa.aahaaahaa.

    One day where ... I can get all the way down the stairs in the morning before I hear even ONE "Mama? Can you get me....?" request.

    One day where Maurice the dish fairy doesn't visit during the night and strew sticky spoons and popcorn bowls around the house. Douche.

    One morning where I get to read the "Living" section of the newspaper without finding the page with the comics missing or coated in skeevy breakfast leftovers.

    --kate in michigan

  7. loved the duct tape earrings line

  8. One day where my husband figures out how to do the little things that are apparently impossible for a grown man. (i.e. pick out daughter's outfit, put daughter's ponytail holder back in, give daughter a bath, decide what to feed daughter for dinner, decide if daughter needs juice/milk/water/etc)

  9. My friends...I am totally with you about Star Wars. I am going about to carve my own brain out with a wooden spoon if I have to talk about/listen to/play/view/read/think about Star Wars anymore in this lifetime. And my kids are only 7 and 4 1/2.

  10. Ditto to just about EVERYTHING on this list.

    In addition, no hitting, no yelling (either required by me or yelling from children), no rushing out the door and being late (because everyone will figure out how to get themselves dressed and pottied and all that),

    Just a day...
    That could be dangerous though, because then we might really like it and want more than a day, and you know how crazy that would be

  11. We've been dealing with the complete charlie foxtrot that is a Michigan snow/ice/snow storm. We've been without power for a week, spent the first two nights camping out in the living room with a kerosene heater, spent the last two nights (and tomorrow night) with the dog boarding at the vet and ourselves (we have two hostiles, 7yo drama queen and 5yo linebacker) in a very nice hotel in town. We've had school all of 1 day this week and that involved a 2 hour delay. I work at the kids' school which makes things wonderfully convenient but my husband works for a company who thinks computer bugs are cause for 32 hour days and are life threatening. I've been in charge for the entire week. I am jumping for joy that I have been able to shower twice this week completely alone. No, I take that back. The drama queen came in this morning. oh well. I could sit here and whine all day long.

    I love reading your whining. I mean blogging. It means I'm not actually the "worst Mommy ever" because I did not allow the linebacker to eat the box of krispy kremes all by himself. The little fart, who does he think he is eating all my freaking donuts? And when I grounded the drama queen for finding the secret stash of my M&Ms in my purse and eating them all.

    But I'm gonna sit by the pool today and watch it snow and listen to the hostiles splash and pretend that my water bottle is a pina colada and that the fat guy watching me from the lounge is actually Gerard Butler. That's right. Today I'm going to dreamworld and if my jailer, I mean my husband, wants anything to get done he's gonna have to do it himself. He's snowed in the hotel with us. He can act like an adult for a while. I'm checking out.

    Have a great day, Mommies!

  12. There's no crying in baseball!!!!! One of my fav movies!!!!!!

  13. Yes. Puddle of warm. Exactly. Ugh. :D

    I'd love to go to bed one night with an absolute guarantee that I'd get to stay in it for, like, ten hours. But I'd settle for six.

    My little trick for the super-irritating days? I make up my own Mommy Mad-Lib. It goes like this: "Today is No-[annoying behavior] [day of the week]!" For example, I just told the boys that today is No-Whining Friday. Granted, it doesn't work, but it's fun to yell at random times throughout the day. I think that next week, we'll have No-Acting-Like-The-Bath-Water-Is-Lava-And-Will-Melt-Your-Skin-Off Monday... I can already tell I'm gonna need it. ;)

  14. My coworkers must think I am nuts laughing hysterically in my office, by myself. The dookie one got me the most.

  15. That is an awesome list! I love you girls!
    I would like one day:
    Where I make it down the stairs without stepping on a toy.
    Where my husband doesn't just sit there eating his breakfast while I'm making breakfast for the kids, getting milk and juice, and getting kids out of pee pee filled pants and cleaning up the warm wet spot on the carpet because my daughter thought it was more important to finish Dora than go to the bathroom.
    Where I set down my water or lemonade...and it's not empty when I turn back around. Apparently it tastes better out of my glass.
    One day where all we hear is Daddy, daddy, daddy...instead of mama mama mama.
    where my kids don't need to be reminded to wash their hands after going to the bathroom and don't flood the bathroom while washing them.
    And one weekend where my husband actually gets his ass out of bed to get up with the kids in the morning and lets me sleep in.
    Just went to send this and my daughter yells, "Mama, I've got a boogey on my hand!" So I'm going to have to add that to the list too!

  16. please please continue- you are the bright spot in my day.

    i'd like just one day where.....

    the toilet paper roll has mysteriously been replaced by someone other than me.

    the toilet has mysteriously been flushed.

    where someone, anyone says 'hey thanks for all you do'

    where the garbage or compost finds it's way to the garage again--- mysteriously.

    where the dog doesn't have a flipping anxiety attack when i leave the room at the same time hubby is on a super (happens all to often) important conference call in the basement ... just below the whining dog

    and lastly where someone doesn't happen to notice the 1 thing i didn't get to as opposed to the 456 things i did.

    is it too early for wine? beer? cough syrup?

  17. Just One Day...
    where my husband, who's been at work for 17hrs, comes home without saying "I didn't get a damn thing done today" while staring at the counter full-o-crap.

    where I can sign onto FaceBook without seeing a post from my friend, who apparently thinks she's perfect, bragging about her children and mothering.

    where my 4yo doesn't scream at the top of her lungs from the bathroom that she poopied and when I go in there is a turd the size of a marble she's expecting me to wipe.

    where my children don't beg to watch Sponge Bob rude & annoying pants.

    where my GD puppy doesn't raid the kitty litter box, drag it out into my closet to eat it, then walk around with little stuck to her nose!

  18. Just one day:

    - Where the cats change their own litter (because apparently the other people in the house don't notice when it smells like an animal shelter in here).
    - Where it's NOT MY FAULT if someone can't find something they "just put right there, I swear!"
    - Where I'm not expected to have mastered Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle and know the exact location in time/space of every item in the house at all times, whether or not it's my item or even whether or not I was home to see where it mysteriously traveled to in my absence.
    - Where I don't have to hear about all the specs and pros/cons of vintage game systems, fire alarms, or garage doors. (Asperger's - gotta love it.)
    - Where everyone puts their socks IN THE LAUNDRY when they take them off.

    But you know what? I know I'm blessed in spite of my daily hassles, and my small annoyances remind me of that, because my issues could be so much worse. A little w(h)ine, a little laughter, and some empathy from others who live a real life like I do too - priceless. Thanks for the rants today!

  19. I'd love one day when...
    I could enjoy a quiet car ride.
    No one would attempt to hand me any gross items that came out of their nose or mouth.
    The damn dog would stya out of the garbage and not leave dog hair and tissues EVERYWHERE!
    I could relax long enough to actually feel bored.

    But all that being said, I would never trade my family to get any of that. So even though it can be annoying quite often, I know I'm blessed!

  20. Love. Love. Love!!

    That is the one thing to look forward to about teenagers - peeing alone! I mean, they continue to yell questions from outside the room, but there's no one hovering close enough to get splashed - so that's bonus.

  21. To walk from point A to point B, no matter how long or short, without having to say, "You're in my way," or "Please move," or "MOVE IT!" or "For the love of Maude get out of my way!"

  22. "stepping into a puddle of warm", oh, even yesser!

  23. I need a "Like" button for most of these! HAHAHA

    I would like one day when the kitchen stays clean for more than one hour!

  24. Awesome....this had me laughing out loud that I could have shared almost the very same list. Please a no cry day! And I have to say I felt fairly validated as well because I am not the only one....

  25. Goodness. I think my favorite comment was the one about all of this sounding dangerous because we might like it and want it to last more than a day, and we KNOW how crazy that would be! Ha ha! I have one light of hope for us in the trenches though...that a good portion of the things we want "just one day without" might make excellent bribery material in years to come. At least I hope it might... :-)

  26. I love the duct tape earrings. You two make me pee my pants...(at least I got to pee alone, though)

  27. I have a special needs child and I also enjoyed this post. Thanks for the laughs ladies. I read every morning. I would like a day where:
    -My husband would cook AND wash the dishes after everyone's complained about what he spent hours cooking :)
    -Ditto to the one about going to bed without having to get up ten million times
    -We could all get into the van and make it to school without me having to run back inside for something someone's forgotten.
    -All the kids would go to bed without complaining and whining and wanting a drink and suddenly being hungry again and having to use the bathroom again!

  28. Forgot to say, loved the League of Their Own reference. I say that all the time!!! I usually have to change baseball to something like: the kitchen/the car/at church, etc. They look at me like I'm crazy, but I laugh every time.

  29. The thing is, ladies, you "whine" about stuff that the rest of us just haven't said out loud yet. You give voice to the rest of the mommies (and in my case, nannies) out there. And make us giggle.

    Also, I almost DIED laughing at the "puddle of warm" bit. I did that this morning. Thanks for making it funny.

  30. Keep "whining", you reinforce to the rest of us that we are not alone & that it's O.K. to laugh, "Laughter through tears is one of my favorite emotions". LOVE the shoes reference!! One day I'm gonna find the "shoe gremlin" that keeps hiding my kids shoes and beat him senseless with my hubby's size 13's. You guys rock!! Karen

  31. These days do not exist, and Calgon takes you no where....and it leaves a ring you have to scrub out.

    Awesomely funny! Incredibly true and oh if only......A day where someone else walks the dog and mops the floor, no juice or other mysterious spills the first 24 hours after mopping.

  32. A day without:
    hearing "Mama, Mama, Mama. . .MAMA!" even when Daddy is in the room with them!

    trying unsuccessfully to decipher the babbled message from my 2.5 year old, only to find out that he was telling me that the baby was eating something that came out of the dog's mouth. (that was a fun day) The look he gave me when I yelled was quite clear "If you'd listened to me I told you that ten minutes ago."

  33. I love "Nothing gets lost, misplaced, or flushed down the toilet. Or half-flushed down...and I get to go toilet snorkeling." My daughter has recently discovered this fun trick.

  34. I want one day where I can use my iPhone without the baby freaking out and having a fit that she wants it, I don't have my kids whining for something when I am clearly busy with something else like getting the first thing they asked for, I can sit down without getting boogers wiped on me, my son actually wipes his bum instead of just rubbing poop all over every freaking thing and needing new pants, and I get to read this blog in peace and quiet without having someone demand computer time.

  35. LOVE it
    MY list
    * My DH goes shopping and gets REAL FOOD!
    * Where DH gets out of bed before me and gets kids going.
    * Where Eldest doesn't eat, brush teeth, put coat on, get in car...ssllllooowwweeerr than molasses
    * Where Youngest doesn’t hide/break EVERY electronic device known to man.
    * Where Dogs leave cat poo in box.
    *where Cat doesn't get me up at 3AM to show me he's out of food, has peed (congrats cat do you want a metal or a swift kick in the bum?), want in or out RIGHT NOW!!
    * Our heater is warm not HOT or Freezing/off.

    Oh there’s so many more




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