Friday, February 18, 2011

Kate & Lydia's Education and Enrichment Program: Round Two

Now that Lydia and I have been enriched by Tap Dance, we think it's time we tackled our next big project. And, what better way to become smarter, more talented and even more embarrassing to our friends and families than to allow you -- our beloved MommyLand -- to vote for what we do next.

I scoured our County's Enrichment Programs, eliminating ones that were either too expensive for our paltry little MommyLand budget...or just not embarrassing enough. I mean, we *could* do underwater kickboxing, but that doesn't have nearly the humiliation level as, say, Roller Derby. ROLLER. DERBY. [Editor's Note: Of course, you realize that Lydia will just use the skates and speed to "accidentally" pummel me into a wall. Maybe let's vote for Krav Maga?? Please? - Kate]

And the nominations for Kate & Lydia's Spring Enrichment Program are:

Beginner Springboard Diving
This class introduces you to the four main components of the dive: approach, take-off, flight and entry. Students are also introduced to the forward and back dives. Lydia is actually awesome at diving. She would love to participate in something that she stood a fairly good chance of whooping Kate at. But then there's that whole video of self in bathing suit posted on the internet thing and she's all like "hell to the nah". Kate doesn't love the idea of the whole internet/bathing suit thing but cringes at what all that chlorine will do to her hair. I mean, she has priorities.

Fly Fishing
Introduction to fly fishing. Bring your own fully rigged rod (leader and line) or rent one from the instructor at first class for $50. Supply fee of $5 payable to instructor at first class. We're not sure how we feel about about handling someone else's rented rod. Particularly one that may not be "fully equipped".

Supervised Social Bridge
For bridge players at all levels, this class combines lecture and supervised bridge playing in a social setting. Kate and Lydia are no longer required to be supervised (the judge told us we didn't have to anymore) but we find that we tend to behave a little more appropriately when we know we're being watched. And you know how outta control those Social Bridge matches can get. We totally need umpires or wardens or whatever.

Bollywood Style Dance
One of today's hottest dances, Bollywood-style dance is filled with fast moves and provides a fun workout! Dress in loose clothing. Since Kate doesn't own any clothing that isn't size "extra tight" that last part is going to be sort of hard. And, since Lydia thinks she knows how to sing in actual Hindi, we're pretty sure that this is just ripe for an "International Incident" and some sort of formal apology in the not-too-distant future.

Ukranian Batik Egg Making
Learn the art of making Ukrainian batik eggs. Explore techniques, colors and designs as you create your own egg to take home. Supply fee payable to instructor at first class. Actually, we're pretty sure this is just some cover operation for harvesting our ovaries and supplying babies to some country that may or may not be near Russia and we're gonna wake up in a seedy motel in a bathtub full of ice. It could also portend a really fancy Easter.

Dodgeball
Two different divisions (Casual & Competitive) for teams ranging in skill sets. All games are officiated by two qualified and experienced referees, and played on regulation size Dodgeball courts. After the games, our Sponsor Bar provides beer &  food specials for teams to socialize and meet other players. Wait. WHAT?! We get to indulge our violent tendencies and then we get to drink? Oh even YESSER.

Boot Camp
Fun, physical training that may include a combination of calisthenics, floor exercise and outdoor work. Great for the intermediate or advanced exerciser who is looking to mix things up a bit! Classes are held outdoors. People seriously pay money for this? I'm not going unless Jillian is doing the yelling and the bossing, because otherwise - it sounds a lot like a little activity I already do all the time that I like to call "taking my kids to the playground." Except presumably, the drill instructor won't be pestering me for juice boxes and asking me to wipe his bottom. Hopefully.

Meditation
Focus and calm your mind with breathing exercises that release tension. Centered mindfulness relaxes the physical body for overall well being, concentration and positive energy.

Lydia would fail this class in less than 90 seconds unless she was allowed to check Facebook or play Angry Birds on her phone while attempting to find centered mindfulness. We learned during Snowmageddon that - despite her pleas for peace and quiet - she hates peace and quiet. There's also a good chance Kate and Lydia would spend all their meditation time giggling and screaming at each other to SHUT UP AND MEDITATE! That might not be so good for the overall well being and positive energy, but we can definitely concentrate really hard on just what injury we're going to inflict on each other when we're done meditating.

Krav Maga
We're bringing this one back from the last Enrichment Program. Girls, this is bad ass. It's a martial art/hand-to-hand combat/bad ass personal defense thingy that the Israeli military does. And it's supposed to be "known for its extremely efficient and brutal counter-attacks, as it is also taught to elite special forces around the world." Both Kate and Lydia are super excited about this one, mostly because they teach you how to A-Frame someone and then immediately punch them in the throat. So they can't scream...awesome.

 Roller Derby
There's no official explanation for this, because HELLO? It's Roller Derby. It's like "Wanna get fit and slam your friends into a wall? Then this is the sport for you..." Amy the Pregnant Chicken has already given us our Derby names. Kate is Hell on Heels. Lydia is SmashMouth. Kate fears that *that* is exactly what Lydia is going to do to her.

Rock Guitar
An introduction to rock and roll guitar playing. Students learn the basics of rock guitar and improvisation. Beginners encouraged. Students should supply their own instruments. Those with electric guitars should bring a portable amplifier. You know what this means? It means we can totally join Spinal Tap! Plus, we really really want portable amplifiers so we can yell at the children even loudier. That should totally be a word. Loudier.

Hula Hoop for Fitness
Class is designed to take you through the basics of hula hooping regardless of your fitness level or prior experience. Hula hooping allows you to explore the hoop through movement, dance and body awareness. Classes combine a cardio workout with basic waist hooping leading onto arm hooping, hooping tricks and hoop dance routines. This fitness workout inspires strength, confidence, power and poise using the hula hoop. We're intrigued about how long we'll be tasked with "exploring the hoop". Because we rock the hula hoop game on Wii Fit Plus and there's no actual hoop involved there. Also, Lydia is not thrilled with the idea of increased body awareness, as she's already painfully aware of all of her body's parts - especially the ones that keep moving after she stops. Kate doesn't mind the increased awareness as long it means she gets to spend more time with a mirror.
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If you have a minute - check out our latest post "What Children Can Learn from Egypt" on the Huffington Post's comedy page and if you're so inclined - leave a little comment telling us what you thought of it.
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(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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