Thursday, February 3, 2011

Top Ten Ways We've Ruined Our Kids

Lydia and I got an email the other day from a mommy who was confessing that she may be ruining her kids. Girl, if you're still thinking it's a "maybe" you are in WAY better shape than we are. Not only do we have college funds and savings accounts, we also have set money aside to pay for the psychologists they will most assuredly need after living with us...we hope they get Jane Lynch as a shrink. That would be awesome.

(Editor's note: I'm still paying my off my own student loans. College funds for the kids? Maybe when I'm a real grown up.  Hangs head in shame. xo, Lydia)

TOP TEN WAYS WE'VE RUINED OUR KIDS

10. Cursing While we may claim that we *accidentally* taught our children the A,B and C...oh, right, and D and F...uhh, H,J,M and S words, not to mention WTF, STFU and the lovely made up ones like whuck, whack and jackhole...well, probably not possible to accidentally teach them all of those, huh? Look, they were going to learn them anyway, so what's important here is that they learn to use them accurately.

For example, when McGee was three, she and Kate were headed to Texas, and in the short frame of time between leaving the house to pick her up from pre-school and returning back home, the geriatric gimpy beagle managed to rip open her little backpack filled with snacks and games for the plane and either destroy or eat all the contents. By the time we got home, he had lit out for hiding places unknown. McGee was incensed. "Dog! Dog! Where are you?!?!" It goes without saying that he was a better hider than she was a seeker. By the time she returned to the kitchen, she was mad and thwarted. She picked up the tattered remains of her pink flowery backpack. "Oh, I hate that f**king dog." Adjectives...better than verbs.

9. Food What the hell went wrong here? I just wanted to either fix them a delicious yet nutritious dinner or do something incredibly easy so I could play on Facebook. Now, they either want McDonald's or one of their kin that barely qualifies as actual food [Editor's Note: Or something they've discovered in a various bodily crevice like a nose, ear or bellybutton. -Kate] or Coq au Vin. What happened to meatloaf? And please stop picking, then eating, your toenails. One, those shards will stab your intestines, and two, you're contorting yourself into positions that are. just. wrong. Cirque de Soliel people can't even do that and they don't even have bones. Stop it.

8. Arguing Just because we taught you to question injustices and challenge wrongdoing does not mean we are the perpetrators of all things unjust and wrong. If you don't like the fact that you have to clean your room and eat all your carrots, please go live with Kim Jong Il. You might want to take some candles and bread with you.

7. Bed/Sleeping We take no blame for this. However, we're also unable to cure it, which is why it's on the list...  Kate wakes up every morning and does a bedcheck, only to find that the possible number of combinations of which-kid-can-be-in-which-bed is apparently infinite. They each have their own room. In each room, there is a bed. So why, for the love of Maude, can they not pass one entire night in that bed in that room? When they drop out of college to get on a renovated school bus and meander their way to Berkeley, I'll know that it all started during my watch...

6. Etiquette I holler at them when I'm on the phone, I eat while wandering around my house, and I say really unnecessary things while driving. I text at stoplights, I snicker and giggle in church, and I've been known to decide that a fork really isn't that important because I didn't feel like getting up. I was eating linguine. When the IHPs eventually turn into the Comic Book Store guy on the Simpsons, I'll know why.

5. Friendships I call my best friend a stupid hooker. Just throw me in parenting jail. Now.


4. Technology Kate cracks out on her iPhone. It's her Precious. And, since she works in television, she's completely capable of watching -- and comprehending -- what's happening on sixteen different channels all at once. While texting. And working on her computer. So it should be as no surprise at all that the IHPs lovelovelove all their little DSIs and Wii and Leapsters. And that we all think it's a great idea to have a bank of televisions in our house. It's also why they will probably spend a good portion of their 20s playing World of Warcraft and dressing up avatars.

3. Appearance Clearly they're in training to be on Survivor. Or Lost. Or "Are You As Filthy As a Fourth Grader?" Gah!

Dear Children, When your toothbrush bristles are crunchy, this is a sign that you need to step up the frequency. When your washcloth is missing, I wonder what you're doing in the shower. It's not a sauna. You don't just sit there. And whoever taught you "smell my armpit" in addition to "pull my finger" is going to learn a new game called "put me in traction." I'm in training for that one. 
Love, Mommy

2. Safety Kate taught the IHPs learned a little rhyme for crossing the street. Ahem:

Be very careful
When you cross the street.
Use your eyes, use your ears
And then you use your feet.

Happy has decided that's what getssaidreallyfast as he's running toward said intersection, and then he ends it with "and then you fall down and go splat and turn into a puddle on the road...and then you cry." Add in Lefty's never ending, yet self answering questions..."Mom, what happens when you put scissors in the plug thi--" [POP! and the lights go out]  "-- never mind!"

Safety FAIL.

1. Privacy Someday they will read all of this. Then, sometime after that, they will realize it's all about them. Then they'll call Jane Lynch.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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