Monday, February 21, 2011

Top Ten Ways Winter Has Ruined Us

We know there are people out there in MommyLand who just lovelovelove winter. We're imagining that you're strange and wonderful species of people we call Canadians. No, really...we're super happy for you and your affinity for all things cold and snowy. We kind of think you might be gluttons for punishment, what with all the scraping and shoveling and tongues stuck to poles and whatnot. Would you like a little extra of all that? Would you like ours? Because this winter has kicked our collective butts, and there's a good chance we're ruined for life. And definitely for spring...
10. It's been dark and cloudy for so long and we're so pasty white and pallid that we're pretty sure we've become Cullens. But, expose us to sunlight and, rather than a gleaming diamond shine, you'll discover that we're covered in anti-itch creme and yesterday's makeup.

9. You know who's even paler than we are? Our kids.  At this point they've moved beyond pale. They're translucent.  The other day Lydia's kids were in the bath and they were practically invisible against the white tile.  Their near-invisibility had no bearing on their behavior though (sadly). After sticking his head in the bathroom to see why they were screaming like banshees, the Cap'n was like: "Um... don't go in there.  It's a naked, albino pygmy convention."

8. Hey Cold and Flu season! How are you? We're HORRIBLE.  Because everyone in our collective houses is or has been sick.  It's awful when the kids are sick.  But we've had something else to contend with: prolonged stretches of husband-sick.  We're sympathetic but as mommies, we don't get sick days.  And all we have to say about that is this:

We know a lot of you have seen this before, but it just never gets old.

7. Kate and Lydia started a new game called "Watch 'em Fall & Laugh" -- it just involves a big window, a patch of ice and lots of strangers. It started with Lydia taking a spectacular fall.  Kate was like: "Do it again! AGAIN! AGAIN!" When Lydia wouldn't do it, Kate decided to perch herself by the window like a cat watching the bird feeder.  It's basically the best part of her winter.

6. The damned Samoas are here.  And the Thin Mints.  And this sucks for several reasons.  The act of selling Girl Scout cookies is (if you have a very responsible daughter) about 50% girl scout/50% mommy. That means more work for us.  It also means that the world's most delicious treats are sitting in our cupboards taunting us.  But we decided to get even with those b*tch Samoas and on every single box, we used a Sharpie to write: "serving size equals one box so go on and eat the whole damn thing."   

5. We announce the temperature like it's a lottery number, and then get pissed when tomorrow's is going to barely hover above freezing. Then people say stuff like, "Umm, it IS February, you know." And then we have one less friend. And a restraining order. Please stop telling us what month it is.

4. On Friday we got a hint of spring when the sun came out and the temperature hit a balmy 76 degrees. Right about the time the kids were reveling in the perfect day and we were thinking of fruity cocktails with umbrellas in them, the weather went all Joan Crawford-y on us and now we're getting snow on Tuesday. That'll teach us. Or something.

3. Despite the fact that our children are driving us absolutely insane, we actually considered letting them stay home one day because it was just too cold to take them to school. 

2. Now that it's late enough in the winter for the weather to tease us occasionally with some warmth and sunshine, it just brings home that the seasonal clothing migration is practically upon us.  Because one day it's nice out and you want a t-shirt for your 5 year old except that the first three he tries on are so small they make him look like Winnie the Pooh.  And everything that might fit him is stored in the garage in a big, blue tupperware that will take six hours to find and sort.  So rock on in the tiny t-shirt, son.  Cause that bin is not moving til Easter. 

1.  It's almost starting to feel like we're living Groundhog Day over and over again. It just so happens to be the day we have to go to the gynecologist. And get a mammogram.

We're counting down the days until summer, when all you winter people start your whining. We'll be doing it up big this coming summer, with extra red sunburns and maybe even a backslap or two on some freshly peeling skin. We may be running a 102 degree fever, bathing in isopropyl alcohol and immobilized for three days, but you know what we won't be doing? Shoveling. That's right! Ahhh, summer...we can't wait to see you.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. Yes, winter is a B this year. I am lucky with seasonal clothing migration. My daughter sizes up in the fall right when the weather is turning. Makes the whole thing SO much easier.

  2. Friday, that awesome weather 70 degrees
    Friday.. Both my kids got sick and we
    Had to stay indoors ... I almost cried :(...

    And now is SNOWING outside :(. And both kids still
    Sick, damn croup.

  3. Those of the us in the south may feel like taunting you poor Northerners right about now. But we refrain because we'll get ours in the summer, when it's so hot we don't leave the house for days on end. And when we do we have to coat the kids in layers of sunblock. And getting in the car guarantees second degree burns on the backs of our thighs.

    Can you tell I hate Texas summers?

  4. oh, the clothing migration. my kids have been BEGGING for their summer clothes for a week. yeah, not happening, it IS still february, lol. *maybe* i'll drag those tubs back out before the end of april.

  5. Nope...not all us Canadians like winter. Some of us have been counting down the days until spring. It's something like 28 days now....we live in hope...

  6. I'm with Jenny. I'm a Canadian, and I bloody well hate winter. Winter can kiss my well-insulated Canuckian arse.

  7. I think the most annoying habit my children collectively have, is growing. I wish they would stop. Now.

    Last March I splurged on super fancy and expensive Columbia jacket "systems" with that fancy cutting-edge technology (read: foil dots) to keep the kids super cozy warm in subzero temepratures. I bought them big so they could wear them this winter. They have now outgrown them. Now I have to pony up the cash to buy more. Only there isn't an appropriate coat in an appropriate size anywhere on the internetz. So if I want my boys to be warm, I have to buy them ivory colored thigh length marshmallow coats with fur trimmed hoods, for eleventy billion dollars each. Because that's all there is. Columbia and The North Face SUCK ASS.

  8. Stupid Samoas. I ate 2 boxes in 2 days and put the rest in the freezer. And now I feel guilty even thinking about getting them out.

  9. Hilarious! Winter people and their attitudes drive me nuts. Chipping away four inches of sleet and ice is not fun, I'm ready for pool time.

  10. WE SE TX folks will listen to you moan through winter and even feel sorry for you IF you promise to feel sorry for us in our 6 months of 100% humidity and 95degrees F and up....when the pool water feels like bathwater so there is NO RELIEF from the hot - when the kids have to stay inside and to save money we have to keep the thermostat set on 80 so we all have cabin fever AND we're hot and cranky :)

  11. This Canadian usually does love winter (hot chocolate!!!) but this particular winter is kicking my northern butt!!

  12. Portland, Oregon is where you should be. We got a winter, but it wasn't a freezing, tons of snow winter.

    That was until this week and possibly next week, where we will have several days of possible snow. But our weather people can't ever catch a break because the weather is changing faster than they can predict. One day - tomorrow is going to be sunny. Tomorrow comes and it is raining and hailing and some people see a few flakes of snow and then they are all FINE weather - tomorrow will be all snow and tomorrow comes and BAM! SUN! and 60 degrees.

    So yeah, if you can handle lots and lots of rain, then Northwest Oregon is where to be - cause that is all we've had this winter (besides some flurries and a couple light light dustings of snow). The next 2 weeks though - we should all move to Southern California because I've seen pictures of kids in bathing suits already.

  13. I LOVE that I finally finished the shoveling last Friday during the heat wave only to have it all covered up with fresh snow this morning.

    F this winter.

  14. Yep, winter has been a B in my corner of Canada, too. Well, really, winter is a B every year. ;) Unfortunately, just b/c the calendar says it's spring next month doesn't mean winter will be gone. My DD's bday is at the end of May and she got 25cm of snow (about 10") to celebrate her big day. =P Winter is to Canada like summer is to Texas.

  15. I had a mammogram today too! I told my husband it will be nice to get out and he said, You know you are parents of a toddler when you consider your dental and mammogram appts "a nice break". Ha!

  16. Ugh, winter is kicking my nice pasty-white Canadian arse as well. I'm quite done with it now, thanks so much. Bring on sunshine and t-shirts! And swimsuits! Wait, no, not swimsuits. That would be bad.

  17. No one hates winter more than Canadians, mostly because we get, like, 9 months of it every year. And there's just so much freaking snow. I moved here from the states, and before I did, I honestly thought that this level of wintery-ness was reserved for places like the north pole, where people don't actually live. The idea that civilization could carry on under this amount of snow blew my every lovin mind.




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