Monday, February 21, 2011

Top Ten Ways Winter Has Ruined Us

We know there are people out there in MommyLand who just lovelovelove winter. We're imagining that you're strange and wonderful species of people we call Canadians. No, really...we're super happy for you and your affinity for all things cold and snowy. We kind of think you might be gluttons for punishment, what with all the scraping and shoveling and tongues stuck to poles and whatnot. Would you like a little extra of all that? Would you like ours? Because this winter has kicked our collective butts, and there's a good chance we're ruined for life. And definitely for spring...
10. It's been dark and cloudy for so long and we're so pasty white and pallid that we're pretty sure we've become Cullens. But, expose us to sunlight and, rather than a gleaming diamond shine, you'll discover that we're covered in anti-itch creme and yesterday's makeup.

9. You know who's even paler than we are? Our kids.  At this point they've moved beyond pale. They're translucent.  The other day Lydia's kids were in the bath and they were practically invisible against the white tile.  Their near-invisibility had no bearing on their behavior though (sadly). After sticking his head in the bathroom to see why they were screaming like banshees, the Cap'n was like: "Um... don't go in there.  It's a naked, albino pygmy convention."

8. Hey Cold and Flu season! How are you? We're HORRIBLE.  Because everyone in our collective houses is or has been sick.  It's awful when the kids are sick.  But we've had something else to contend with: prolonged stretches of husband-sick.  We're sympathetic but as mommies, we don't get sick days.  And all we have to say about that is this:

We know a lot of you have seen this before, but it just never gets old.

7. Kate and Lydia started a new game called "Watch 'em Fall & Laugh" -- it just involves a big window, a patch of ice and lots of strangers. It started with Lydia taking a spectacular fall.  Kate was like: "Do it again! AGAIN! AGAIN!" When Lydia wouldn't do it, Kate decided to perch herself by the window like a cat watching the bird feeder.  It's basically the best part of her winter.

6. The damned Samoas are here.  And the Thin Mints.  And this sucks for several reasons.  The act of selling Girl Scout cookies is (if you have a very responsible daughter) about 50% girl scout/50% mommy. That means more work for us.  It also means that the world's most delicious treats are sitting in our cupboards taunting us.  But we decided to get even with those b*tch Samoas and on every single box, we used a Sharpie to write: "serving size equals one box so go on and eat the whole damn thing."   

5. We announce the temperature like it's a lottery number, and then get pissed when tomorrow's is going to barely hover above freezing. Then people say stuff like, "Umm, it IS February, you know." And then we have one less friend. And a restraining order. Please stop telling us what month it is.

4. On Friday we got a hint of spring when the sun came out and the temperature hit a balmy 76 degrees. Right about the time the kids were reveling in the perfect day and we were thinking of fruity cocktails with umbrellas in them, the weather went all Joan Crawford-y on us and now we're getting snow on Tuesday. That'll teach us. Or something.

3. Despite the fact that our children are driving us absolutely insane, we actually considered letting them stay home one day because it was just too cold to take them to school. 

2. Now that it's late enough in the winter for the weather to tease us occasionally with some warmth and sunshine, it just brings home that the seasonal clothing migration is practically upon us.  Because one day it's nice out and you want a t-shirt for your 5 year old except that the first three he tries on are so small they make him look like Winnie the Pooh.  And everything that might fit him is stored in the garage in a big, blue tupperware that will take six hours to find and sort.  So rock on in the tiny t-shirt, son.  Cause that bin is not moving til Easter. 

1.  It's almost starting to feel like we're living Groundhog Day over and over again. It just so happens to be the day we have to go to the gynecologist. And get a mammogram.

We're counting down the days until summer, when all you winter people start your whining. We'll be doing it up big this coming summer, with extra red sunburns and maybe even a backslap or two on some freshly peeling skin. We may be running a 102 degree fever, bathing in isopropyl alcohol and immobilized for three days, but you know what we won't be doing? Shoveling. That's right! Ahhh, summer...we can't wait to see you.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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