Monday, March 14, 2011

100 Days 'til Summer? Crap.

Girls, you're idiots. There's such a thing as a calendar.
There's also a little thing I like to call "reading".
You jackholes should combine the two and quit bitching.
Guess what today is? Today is 100 days from the official first day of summer. Some of our friends brought that fact to our attention last week and we have to say it was the first major "OH SCHMIDT" moment of the new year and quite a shock for your old pals, Kate & Lydia.  The last moment that we had like this was when the Halloween to Holidays death spiral squared up and scissor-kicked us in the face. 

We're sure, to those rational and sane people who register that time is passing, the fact that spring is coming and summer will follow was hardly big news.  Yet to us, neither rational, sane nor often sentient - it was a total shock. 
Partly because it was cold and snowy last week.  So you think, there’s still time. Sigh...We had such plans for getting everything in our lives all organized and sorted and nearly Paltrow-perfect this year.

But then of course everything went to hell because nobody was not sick for like two months and it took til the end of January to actually recover from the holidays.  Then there was this blur that was February...but we get a pass for that one because it has way less days than all the other months. It's like month lite.

But it doesn't change the fact that there's still 100 days til summer! There's still time! Then we realized that in our world, summer actually starts Memorial Day weekend.  And that's about a month before the official first day of the official summer season. Which is determined by solstices and equinoxes and maybe Druids. 

Oh dear Maude. It's all right around the corner. We're about to get A-framed by summer and it's not even summer for two more seasons.  Summer is being a total dick right now. 

Need some examples?
  • Let's not even talk about how much weight must be lost and wiggly things toned before a bathing suit can be worn in public. 
  • This also means that -- yet again -- it's nearly swimsuit buying time. If you're like us, your swimsuit spent its offseason basting in that marinade of chlorine, suntan lotion and saltwater and is now a faded bundle of snagged spandex with droopy flowers and a crotch that has lost so much elastic that we'll be lucky if it covers our kneecaps. Which means two things: One, we get to stand in overlit fluorescent Target dressing rooms jamming our lovely pasty white selves into technicolor sausage casings; and two, we have to do it yesterday because actual clothing stores operate on some whacked out calendar and the flip flops and tank tops that have been on display since late January are now on the clearance rack and they're toting out the "New Looks For Fall."  We're tempted to go find upper management and practice our a-framing techniques, but we're pretty sure they're Druids.
  • Spring sports will begin kicking our asses, hoovering our money, and eating our weekends in 3--2--1--now.  Bye bye weekends! Bye bye Saturday mornings! See you in August!
  • We're also right in the middle of the Schizophrenic Weather System, when it's 14 below when they leave for school and 126 on their way home. When did Sybil start controlling the weather? Was she a Druid? This lovely March-and-October phenomenon means that getting the kids to take off the flip flops and put on coats is met with such fierce resistance and crying and rending of freakin' garments that we pretty much just throw up our hands and say "FINE! Do whatever you want!" Then, on the walk to school, they're totally singing your praises about being the Best Mom Ever...or they would be, were it not for all the shivering and teeth clattering.
  • Oh no.  Camp registration started last week! GAAHHHHH!!! The good Girl Scout camp is already full! We're going to have start hustling - and we mean literally hustling on street corners - to get the kids into camps and on teams and all that crap for this summer and also be able to pay for it.
  • Aaaaaaaannnnnnddd, just in case you don't have enough to do, don't forget that, with the change in clocks, the return of the birds, flowers and pollen, comes the Seasonal Clothing Migration. Which is the laundry equivalent of inviting Randy into your house to turn you into his laundry bitch for the next two weeks while Sybil decides if she's going to give you sweltering heat or that last snowstorm she's been holding back.
  • You know what else normal people can deal with but causes us to stumble around in a confused stupor? Daylight's Savings Time.  We get that it's an annual event and all, but we don't have to like it.  What genius decided that losing an hour of sleep was a good idea?  And right now, Lydia is looking at three different clocks and her cell phone and she still can't tell you what time it is.  But she's a genius.
Despite all our complaints, we are really excited to say goodbye to winter. He's sort of like a relative who comes for Christmas and then decides he really likes your sofa and being unemployed. But now it's time for him to pack up and go visit your cousins in Florida or something. So, bring it on Randy. And do your worst Sybil. You can't scare us with your Antics of Spring. We know all your tricks.
And, if worse comes to worse, we'll just go to Target. We hear it's already autumn over there. The Druids said so.

xoxo, Kate & Lydia

PS: If your primary pre-summer freak out is about ass-size, ass-firmness or the desire to look better while sitting in your bathing suit dipping your toes in the petri dish they call the Baby Pool, there's always the RFML 100 Day Challenge on SparkPeople.  No pressure or anything.  But maybe something to try? With some like-minded snitches who are right there with you? That is all.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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