Monday, March 14, 2011

100 Days 'til Summer? Crap.

Girls, you're idiots. There's such a thing as a calendar.
There's also a little thing I like to call "reading".
You jackholes should combine the two and quit bitching.
Guess what today is? Today is 100 days from the official first day of summer. Some of our friends brought that fact to our attention last week and we have to say it was the first major "OH SCHMIDT" moment of the new year and quite a shock for your old pals, Kate & Lydia.  The last moment that we had like this was when the Halloween to Holidays death spiral squared up and scissor-kicked us in the face. 

We're sure, to those rational and sane people who register that time is passing, the fact that spring is coming and summer will follow was hardly big news.  Yet to us, neither rational, sane nor often sentient - it was a total shock. 
Partly because it was cold and snowy last week.  So you think, there’s still time. Sigh...We had such plans for getting everything in our lives all organized and sorted and nearly Paltrow-perfect this year.

But then of course everything went to hell because nobody was not sick for like two months and it took til the end of January to actually recover from the holidays.  Then there was this blur that was February...but we get a pass for that one because it has way less days than all the other months. It's like month lite.

But it doesn't change the fact that there's still 100 days til summer! There's still time! Then we realized that in our world, summer actually starts Memorial Day weekend.  And that's about a month before the official first day of the official summer season. Which is determined by solstices and equinoxes and maybe Druids. 

Oh dear Maude. It's all right around the corner. We're about to get A-framed by summer and it's not even summer for two more seasons.  Summer is being a total dick right now. 

Need some examples?
  • Let's not even talk about how much weight must be lost and wiggly things toned before a bathing suit can be worn in public. 
  • This also means that -- yet again -- it's nearly swimsuit buying time. If you're like us, your swimsuit spent its offseason basting in that marinade of chlorine, suntan lotion and saltwater and is now a faded bundle of snagged spandex with droopy flowers and a crotch that has lost so much elastic that we'll be lucky if it covers our kneecaps. Which means two things: One, we get to stand in overlit fluorescent Target dressing rooms jamming our lovely pasty white selves into technicolor sausage casings; and two, we have to do it yesterday because actual clothing stores operate on some whacked out calendar and the flip flops and tank tops that have been on display since late January are now on the clearance rack and they're toting out the "New Looks For Fall."  We're tempted to go find upper management and practice our a-framing techniques, but we're pretty sure they're Druids.
  • Spring sports will begin kicking our asses, hoovering our money, and eating our weekends in 3--2--1--now.  Bye bye weekends! Bye bye Saturday mornings! See you in August!
  • We're also right in the middle of the Schizophrenic Weather System, when it's 14 below when they leave for school and 126 on their way home. When did Sybil start controlling the weather? Was she a Druid? This lovely March-and-October phenomenon means that getting the kids to take off the flip flops and put on coats is met with such fierce resistance and crying and rending of freakin' garments that we pretty much just throw up our hands and say "FINE! Do whatever you want!" Then, on the walk to school, they're totally singing your praises about being the Best Mom Ever...or they would be, were it not for all the shivering and teeth clattering.
  • Oh no.  Camp registration started last week! GAAHHHHH!!! The good Girl Scout camp is already full! We're going to have start hustling - and we mean literally hustling on street corners - to get the kids into camps and on teams and all that crap for this summer and also be able to pay for it.
  • Aaaaaaaannnnnnddd, just in case you don't have enough to do, don't forget that, with the change in clocks, the return of the birds, flowers and pollen, comes the Seasonal Clothing Migration. Which is the laundry equivalent of inviting Randy into your house to turn you into his laundry bitch for the next two weeks while Sybil decides if she's going to give you sweltering heat or that last snowstorm she's been holding back.
  • You know what else normal people can deal with but causes us to stumble around in a confused stupor? Daylight's Savings Time.  We get that it's an annual event and all, but we don't have to like it.  What genius decided that losing an hour of sleep was a good idea?  And right now, Lydia is looking at three different clocks and her cell phone and she still can't tell you what time it is.  But she's a genius.
Despite all our complaints, we are really excited to say goodbye to winter. He's sort of like a relative who comes for Christmas and then decides he really likes your sofa and being unemployed. But now it's time for him to pack up and go visit your cousins in Florida or something. So, bring it on Randy. And do your worst Sybil. You can't scare us with your Antics of Spring. We know all your tricks.
And, if worse comes to worse, we'll just go to Target. We hear it's already autumn over there. The Druids said so.

xoxo, Kate & Lydia

PS: If your primary pre-summer freak out is about ass-size, ass-firmness or the desire to look better while sitting in your bathing suit dipping your toes in the petri dish they call the Baby Pool, there's always the RFML 100 Day Challenge on SparkPeople.  No pressure or anything.  But maybe something to try? With some like-minded snitches who are right there with you? That is all.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. DST sucks. The bus stop was pitch dark this morning. I would soooooo much rather have daylight at the bus stop than daylight at BEDTIME! The six year old was loping around this morning like a frat boy after a bender.

  2. Our house endured DST AND a neighbor's dog that barked ALL. NIGHT. LONG. We look like night of the living dead here folks.
    My son said we should split the difference on DST. I agreed. I said we'd move our clocks 1/2 hr and never again. 1/2 a year we'd be early and 1/2 the year we'd be late if nobody else follows us... so who do I see to get this policy in place?! :O)
    And summer is 100 days away?! GASP!

  3. Spring forward sucks: you either don't know what time it is, or you can't believe what time it is.

  4. Oh ferk. I signed up in a panic to Sparkpeople cuz I checked your blog and learned I had 8 seconds to join the 100-day challenge...but this morning, I am in no way prepared...and I still have to figure out the sparkpeople website...

    and now you remind me about summer camps??? Darnit, where is that leisure guide??! And my poor abused visa...

  5. I read somewhere that Daylight Savings Time was created by a man who wanted enough light in the evenings to be able to collect bugs after work. Really? Bugs? That is why we suffer through it? If you look it up, the guy looks a lot like Brad Pitt. I think Brad may need a beating for this one.

  6. Randy the Laundry Fairy just LOVES the Seasonal The SCM is Randy's way of making the laundry room vomit all over the house. Just as soon as you get things organized into hand down/put away piles, he nudges Sybil and kiddo Must. Have. THE. sweater at the bottom of the "put into attic for next kid" pile. In the process, kiddo knocks everything over to the floor, the shedding-the-winter-coat cat decides it's a great place for a nap, and you get to wash it all over again. SCM is Randy's job security.

  7. Spanx now makes swimsuits..oh, yesser!

  8. Cold and snowy last week my tail. I'm looking out my window at cold and snowy RIGHT NOW. 4-8 inches of cold an snowy in fact.

  9. Mamajulep just made my week! Spanx swimsuits sound fabulous!

  10. Been thinking about opening a store called "In Season." It would sell things. . . in the season you actually need them. Swimsuits and grills May-August. Winter gloves in winter--even in February. And I'd be able to get all my stock on sale at other stores.

  11. KAtherine: awesome idea!

    MAmajulep: awesome! but I can't buy a new swimsuit until I lose 20 lbs!!
    Good thing for the 100 day challenge. I am off to a good start today!!

  12. ooooo spanx swimsuits. that sounds divine! but for budgetary reasons, i suppose i will just stick with the 100DTS challenge. yay cardio team!!!

  13. I live in Peru so I´m currently in full summer swing. I´m also at that point in pregnancy where my body of 4 months ago is gone (ahh, the memories... *sigh*) but I still dont look obviously pregnant. So I´m walking around the beach in my bikini and I keep getting the Is-she-pregnant-or-has-she-been-really-tucking-into-the-buffet-table? looks. I´ve gotten to the point where I just dont give any explanations anymore while also eating an ice cream so that makes it extra mysterious (added bonus: prevents the unwanted belly touching).

  14. Oh also, I work as a buyer for a department store and even I cant tell you whuck is up with the whole flip-flops-in-the-middle-of-winter-but-here-is-a-nice-feather-jacket-for-your-100°-summer-weather thing. I guess it´s like DST: someone somewhere thought it was a good idea, convinced a whole bunch of idiots of his sound reasoning and now we´re stuck with it cause everyone is too lazy to change it back.

  15. Frick, that means a house full of ingrate immigrants again... hot, humid, and harried....




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