Monday, March 28, 2011

Five Things I Should Know by Now


I’ve been a mom for almost eight years.  There are some things I should know by now but apparently, I don’t.  Because I’m an idiot. 

Always check the diaper first. The other day I was in a hurry, so I tried to do a quickie diaper change on my bed.  I was positive it was an Uno, because I couldn’t smell anything. So I whipped the diaper off with a flourish and was rewarded with several small turds flying up to greet my face.  And then fall softly onto my bed.  I was just lucky that I didn’t scream until after the poo hit my face. Always check for the deuce, my friends. Always check for the deuce.

Beware of the Ominous Silence.  We were having one of those rare moments when everyone was happily doing their own thing.  One was reading, one was playing with Legos and one was smashing play dough into the carpet.  Mommy may have been on Facebook.  Then all of a sudden I noticed it was quiet.  I wandered into the kitchen to see all three kids freeze. Then scatter. They’d found my hidden stash of PMS candy.  Do you know what happens to three small children when they eat an entire bag of mini Mounds bars? They become demon spawn for about 90 minutes.  Then they cry a lot.  Then they get sent to bed early and mommy has a drink.

Please remember to cut your kid’s nails because now it’s just really gross and awkward. Why do I always forget that my kids need to get their nails cut? I overlook this basic part of their grooming until they scratch themselves on the face right before picture day, so that my inability to parent is recorded for posterity.  Or I ask my son if he’s washed his hands and he holds up some Howard Hughes-looking monkey paws that make him appear as if he has ring worm.  Nice.

When one of your kids won’t eat –  call in the big guns.  Go with the noodle.  I’ve spent the past week killing myself trying to get my toddler to eat.  I even resorted to making her apple sauce from scratch.  But all she would eat was yogurt.  Then I randomly made myself some ramen noodles for lunch and she was like: “I have some? Some of dem noodles? PLEASE?”  She then proceeded to carb-load like she was running the NYC Marathon.  And I totally should have known this already because the other two kids have been worshipping at the alter of the noodle since they could manage solid food.  I mean, if I make prime rib, they’re like meh. But serve those little ingrates mac’n’cheese from a box they act like I’m frigging Eric Ripert and I just shaved truffles over their plate. 

Don’t think they’re not listening when you’re talking on the phone.  You know how I know? Because I overheard my daughter telling her brother “Mommy told Miss Ellen on the phone that Daddy’s just grouchy because of the time of the month that it is and because he hasn’t gotten any lately.  Any WHAT, I wonder? I hope he gets some soon.”

As you can see, in spite of my best efforts and years of experience, I’m a walking parenting FAIL.  You’re welcome, everybody.  Go pat yourself on the back, because at least you’re doing it better than me.


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

33 comments:

  1. Oh my dear Maude. I just laughed so hard I cried. Funny cause I think I'm on the EXACT SAME parenting path to failure. Oh well. My dog is very well behaved, does that count?

    P.S. My daughter would breathe spaghetti or mac n' cheese if possible and she's only 15 months old. You tellin me it gets worse? I'm buying stock in Kraft now.

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  2. We're not doing better than you. We just don't publicly admit our fails. Kudos to you for wearing your big girl pants and letting us know, we ALL have our moments! *hugs*

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  3. Thank Goodness I'm not the only one!

    And, not to alarm you, but my 15 year old still prefers (and eats several times a week) the Kraft in a box to delicious homemade-multi-cheese-bacon-with crunchy crumb topping mac and cheese.

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  4. Yup, done all of these too. You're not alone. If the world's going to Hell in a handasket at least we can carpool.

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  5. I totally just snorted coffee thru my nose...but sooo worth it.

    None of us know a thing about parenting - we just pretend like we know what we're doing!

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  6. A parent for 11.5 years, on my fourth kid, and I just recently pulled the old "whip off the diaper, poop flies everywhere" move. Also, I don't remember to cut my son's nails until the ex calls me up complaining on his once-a-month weekend. Even worse? I kind of blame it on my son's autism, claiming he has a meltdown when I cut his nails so I put it off for as long as possible. Really he couldn't care less about getting his nails cut. Don't judge me!!

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  7. I recently potty trained my middle child, I may not have been sprayed with little bomb shells, but she did decide to wipe her cute little butt on my hand towel in the bathroom. "But Mommy, I went poop on the potty!!"
    "I see darling, but why didn't you use toilet paper? That's yucky!"
    "I couldn't find any. I went on the potty!!"

    This is where you /facepalm

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  8. The omnious silence happened just yesterday. My almost 3 year old was awefuly quiet. I went looking for him and found him on the floor of my bedroom with the breast pump trying to pump milk for his baby sister! Wish I could have gotten to the camera fast enough!

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  9. I've only been a mom for 20 months, and I am damned if I can figure out how to cut my kid's nails. He WIGS OUT if I try to do it when he is awake, even when distracted with food/TV. He no longer falls asleep in my arms very often, and when he snoozed in his car seat this weekend I ran in and got the little clippers but he woke up in a tizzy about it.... I never nicked him, I don't know why he hates it so much. Any ideas would be welcome!

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  10. @ Heidi . . . I have the breastpump photo of my son. What about that machine looks like fun to them??

    And, thanks. My parenting fails don't feel so bad when I know we're all doing them. Even if there's a whole group of mommies out there who won't admit to theirs!!

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  11. Oh I know mine listen on the phone yet I STILL forget. They can spell too, but that doesn't stop me from forgetting that too. Nice.

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  12. @ Advanced Maternal Age... do they still sell the curvy scissor-type clippers? It was WAY easier to use those when my daughter was sleeping and not have her wake up -- maybe because it's smoother and doesn't have the same "tug" as regular clippers. Good luck! Oh, an the omnious silence at our house recently -- an entire new roll of toilet paper in a little mountain on the bathroom floor. Luckily I made it in there BEFORE she tried to flush it!

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  13. I only remember to cut my kids' nails when my oldest has piano lessons. I usually remember when we're in the van driving to the lessons and it's too late to do anything about it. So she then displays her cracked, filthy long nails for her teacher to see. Lovely.

    Actually, my son picks and bites his off. I look at it as a time-saver. Judge me as you will.

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  14. HA! love this... especially the fingernails- how do they grow so fast? and why do they store leftover noodles in them? i usually remember to cut them 3.2 seconds before we leave for the pediatrician or occupational therapy...

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  15. I decided this morning to start potty training my 2 year old. I put her on the potty. And then I got hit with a wave or morning sickness so bad that I nearly didn't make it to the toilet two feet away. As I was throwing up for the first time in days my daughter came over to pat me on the back and peed on my foot. I changed her panties brushed my teeth, washed my foot, and then threw up for another 20 minutes. My daughter came up to me in those 20 minutes and said "uh oh mummy" and had soaked panties. It took me ten minutes to find the puddle of warm. With my sock. On the carpet. She is in a diaper again, I am too sick to do this today.

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  16. Does parenting my parents count?

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  17. Does parenting my parents count?

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  18. My three kids act like it's a damn holiday when I make ramen for dinner. Throw in some cubed ham and boiled eggs and they scarf it down like they haven't in a week.

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  19. I'm bad in the fingernail dept as well. Now that she is 11, I offer to cut them every once in a great while but she likes them that way and who am I to argue right? She's old enough that if she wants them done she can come to me. Yes, I know typically she would be old enough to cut them herself but gets anxious when I do it and flips out if she is expected to do so. So now I'm bad for not cutting them when she was small and not forcing her to do it now that she is old enough to do it on her own. Double fail.

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  20. Mine think ramen noodles are a delicacy. Noodles of any kind are a big hit and when they are teething, sick, or being picky I have all sorts of noodles to cook. They both prefer them with butter and parmesan.

    Ah, the joys of potty-training. The Girl One is working on it, but totally freaked when she pinched a loaf in her new pink panties. Fun times...

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  21. It's good to know that in eight years I will be just as clueless of a mother as I am today. (I say this as I try to rip a diaper off one-handed on a white carpet while I use the other hand to shield my face from the miniature Edward Scissorhands taking swipes at my eye.)

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  22. Phfffft.. I wish my kids would eat Ramen.. heck there are plenty of nights where I would prefer Ramen for dinner rather than "really" cooking.. unfortunatly, I have really weird kids that actually ask for broccoli, and other veggies... sigh. it wasn't on purpose I swear they are just weird. I can only convince them that pizza is good if I tell them it has vegetables o it. argh.

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  23. I only ever remember to cut my son's nails when either 1-he slices his face open, or 2-we are snuggled on the couch, and there is no way I can get a pair of clippers without ruining the moment and sending him off running.

    And the last quiet moment we had? He wrote all over my couch in pen. 3 cushions. The whole front bottom panel. Both arm rests. I swear I was only out of the room for a minute or two.

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  24. So funny - but you knew that already!!! The poop diaper - yes, yes. And it always happens right as you rare walking out the door and are late! Doesnt help that my oldest has a weak gag reflex so sometimes there's both poop and barf to clean up! Good times! xoxo

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  25. I love this. I observed 3 of the above 5 offenses at my house today. The worst was when I was on the phone telling my one friend about my other friend's recent childbirth and my daughter yelled, "Mommy! What's a CERVIX again?" Crap, didn't know she was listening...

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  26. At least it wasn't squishy or mushy poo! rofl I love your post and can totally relate! As a parent of a wide range of ages (17 yrs - 10 mo) I can tell you now, it doesn't get any easier! **hugs**

    But I'll pass you the wine whenever you visit. ;-)

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  27. I have had some poo flinging experience recently. Terrible.

    I added you guys to my weekly links list. Cause more people could use a laugh.

    http://sweetbutterbliss.blogspot.com/2011/04/food-for-thought-late-edition.html

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  28. oh so true. I have one little girl of 2 years old. Sweetest thing, except when she is not, of course. She is already copying us. The other day I caught her saying something that sounded very much like my husband's favourite swearword. After berating him, we finally found that it was simply a mispronunciation for another word. Sjoe! Relief! But now we need to check ourselves more. A lot more.
    But like I always say, we're either the best parents in the world, or the worst. The line is so obscure and there's no physical damage so no one will ever know. ;)

    www.journey-keeper.com

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  29. wish I had read the check for deuce thing sooner, I know better, but still had the same type of incident today *sigh* I am so glad to have you guys to make me feel normal :0)

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  30. Tips on cutting those nails? 1) sit crosslegged and put them in your lap facing away from you. Watch their favorite show. Take one finger and gently pull back the skin and clip with little clippers...quickly.
    2) bite 'em off. Sounds gross, but it works really well on any kid under two.

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  31. What is it about noodles!? And carbs in general!? My 15 month-old thinks that Goldfish crackers should be their own food group (do they even have food groups anymore?) And he will eat almost anything if I put it on a pizza. The other day I had to turn his eggs into a pizza topping...

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  32. Recently, I made this amazing (if I do say so myself) concoction of orzo, asparagus, and shrimp. My kids proceeded to pick out the asparagus and shrimp (“I don’t liiiiiiiiike dis”) and eat just orzo. Whatever. More shrimp/asparagus for Mama.

    And finger/toenail cutting? OY. I’m just thankful (whuck??) that my 3-year-old daughter bites her nails. ahahhaaaaaaa

    LMBO that my word verification was "trimspho." My kids' nails are sooooooo not trimspho'd. LOL

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  33. I'm not sure what would be worse, flinging poop, or poop used as fingerpaint on the couch, the walls, the antique furniture . . .

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