Everything was going along swimmingly. My mom showed up to watch my 2 year old as I helped pack up my son for Kindergarten. The backpack is as big as he is and it's winter so there are coats upon coats that he needs to wear and lunch boxes and scarves...you get the picture. He looked like Randy from "A Christmas Story."
We left the house at 8:20 bound for school (the bell rings at 8:30) and it's less than five minutes from the house so... we were actually early. For the first time since I gave birth.
The ride was nice. We played rhyming games. We went over who was going to pick him up from school - "NANA? YEAH!" Life was beautiful. We pulled into school and circled the parking lot to get to the end of the line.
For those of you who don't know what the Kiss 'n' Ride line, is I'll explain...nope too long. I'll sum up:
- Line of parents in cars dropping kids off
- Must exit from right side of car where sidewalk is.
- The protocol: Kiss kid once (Air kisses are acceptable) They bounce out. Close door. You leave.
- Important Note: Do not pass on the left in the Kiss 'n Ride line.
- All this should take less than 45 seconds if done properly. I will repeat that last part for effect, and make it both bold & italicized so you can fully grasp its importance: if done properly.
Me: Son, go ahead and unbuckle. Get your backpack on and stand right in front of your sister's car seat. [This would prove to be Mistake Number 1.]
Son: But Mommy the car is moving.
Me: It's OK, we're not going fast and you won't be there long.
Me: OK, Go ahead and open the door. I love you have a good day. [Air kiss]
Son: OK Mommy. Bye. [He pushes the door and it opens a crack but no more.]
Son: Mommy? It won't open.
Me: What do you mean it won't open? Push.
Son: I did.
This is when panic creeps in. Oh Dear Maude. That's when everything went into high gear and slow motion at the same time. I never thought that was possible before, but it can happen. I now know how a Cullen feels. I look at the clock and -- schmidt! -- we have been here over a minute. I spin around and start barking at my son.
Me: PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!
Son: I'm trying. I can't!
I lean over the passenger seat and try to open the front door and the side door while still buckled but it won't budge. Gah! Then I sit up and frantically unbuckle my seat belt, put the car in park, throw my door open, run around the front of the car -- in heels -- and reach for the front handle while simultaneously yanking on the rear handle. I had to do this several times in order to get the timing right. I must have looked awesome. On the third try, the doors fly open and I'm yelling:
Me: COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! GO! GO! GO! GETOUTOFTHECAR!!!!
Son: OK! OK!
My son tries to hop out, but, because his hugely ginormous backpack decides right then to quite literally hook up with his sister's carseat, he ends up hanging helplessly, mid-jump, two feet from the ground. We've also hit the three minute mark. People give birth faster than this.
Suddenly, I'm struck with the thought that somewhere in North Carolina, there's a mom who took too long at the Kiss 'n' Ride link and another mom pulled a gun on her. Furck! Furck! Furckitty Furkwad! I'm gonna get a cap popped in my ass because I am now at three and a half minutes.
I grab my child and rip him off the car seat while simultaneously throwing him on the sidewalk [He landed on his feet thank Maude.] I turn into a whirling dervish slamming doors and running back around the car, still in heels thank you very much, and throwing air kisses and calling over my shoulder..
Me: I LOVE YOU! HAVE A GOOD DAY! OK BYE!
I hop in my seat. Buckle up for safety and pull out at exactly four minutes with no caps having been popped. Leaving my poor son on the sidewalk staring after me and the teachers/parents/other children in the lot looking bewildered. Whew! And all I can think is, "Thank goodness no one I knew was there to witness it."
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