Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Questions My Kids Ask

Small children are natural scientists and are constantly exploring the world. This would all be a very good thing except for the part where they try to dissect what they find in their diaper and report back their findings in the form of "Mama! Corn!" or, when they get a little older, they discover the word "Why?" which is quickly followed by -- in order -- "Why not?" "How come?" "Didja ever wonder...?" and "What would happen if...?" and that usually is followed by a plaster cast or a lot of itching.

And, we're really trying - like really hard - to not employ the greatest, most fantastic Mom-phrase ever invented: The "Because I Said So..." But lately, our kids have been asking questions that are so perplexing we have to resist the urge to deploy the Said So Weapon,  Maude-face them and drink straight from the t-box spigot. We need a strategy -- and answers -- for when the whacktastic questions come.

And, because this is a group effort, we offer MommyLand approved answers that are easy to memorize and maybe will make your brain stop hurting:

Do dogs have chins?
Uuuuuh, no. Or, yes. Hidden under their little furry beards, the chin just sits there, waiting for the day when said dog acquires opposable thumbs so they can micheviously plot and stroke their beard like they're Ben Bernanke and contemplate just where they are going to pee in the house next. Which is why we make sure they never, ever acquire thumbs.

Why do leaves change color?
Leaves have this thing inside them called chlorophyll. Why do they have chlorophyll? Hmm, I'm pretty sure it has to do with photosynthesis. Why do they photo Cynthia's? No, photosynthesis. Why do they take pictures at all? No. They don't take pictures. It's not a photo. It's photosynthesis, which means-- Why does my belly button stick out? I don't know. Let's blame Cynthia

How far down does dirt go?
Well, let's see. We know it magically goes down into your underpants despite the fact that you're wearing pants, a tucked-in shirt and a jacket. We also know it goes down into your belly button so far that we're pretty sure we can grow turnips in your navel. It also goes remarkably deeper than the pot that holds my begonias would seem to indicate. I think you may have acquired Mary Poppins magic carpetbag and replaced lamps and birdcages with worms and even more dirt. Though, after inspecting your bathroom after your bath last Sunday, we do know the limits of dirt. It does NOT, in fact, go as far as down the drain.

What is color?
Well, it’s the way that light emits…that is, the human eye sees spectrums…[sigh] Here’s a cheesestick. Go watch TV. Someday TV will tell you what color is. Until then, it can just show it to you.

Where does the poop go?
Oh, there's this really disgusting creature that lives under all the toilets in the world and his job is to eat all the poop and he just grows and grows and eats more and more and some day he'll burst out from the ground like a big poopy volcano man and--no, I'm just kidding. It goes into the sewers and gets cleaned up somehow and sometimes they use poop -- not yours, maybe a cow's -- as fertilizer and farmers spread it on the ground where they grow crops like fruits and veg-CRAP! And this is why you'll never eat a never carrot or brussel sprout for the rest of your life.

What makes our car go?
Dad will tell you that it's gasoline and the combustible engine and stuff like that, but really it's the MasterCard.

Why doesn't China fall off?
Well, China is super heavy and has a lot of people on it, so that helps. But you might want to hang on to your hat, son. Our planet is actually kinda spinning around on it's side, so we're all a little tilty. And we're going super super fast, like daddy trying to drive to the Chik-Fil-A before it closes fast. 

And, if you want me to really rock your little world, technically we're the ones that are upside down and hanging onto the planet. Should I install a seat belt in your bed now? Just in case? OK Good night. Sweet dreams. Hold on tight.

How did our baby get here?
Daddy had four minutes to kill between innings.

Where do leaves go when they leave?
To Maui. Can I go with them?

GAH! [sigh] Because I said so...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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