Friday, March 25, 2011

Top Ten List: What's Rule #1?

Lydia had a moment recently where she found herself asking her kids in her meanest Mean Mommy voice: "What are you guys thinking about?! What is Rule #1 in this house?!" The answers were surprising and hilarious so she shared them with Kate. It then occurred to Kate to ask her own children, whose answers were even funnier. If these answers indicate the degree to which we are successfully raising our children, the whole list is an enormous parenting FAIL.


Top Ten Responses to the Question: What's Rule #1?

10. Don't tell Daddy.

9. Be quiet! Da baby's sleepin'!

8. Something about safety first? [Answered in the form of a question, as if we were playing Jeopardy.]


7. When Mommy's on the phone, stop screaming.


6. You hafta wash your hands after you pee, even if you didn't wipe.

5. DON'T SHARE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH WITH THE DOG!! [Said emphatically and victoriously, like he totally knew it was absolutely the right answer.]


4. Don't annoy mommy?

3. Take off your shoes before -- after -- don't wear shoes in the hou-- take them to our room-- ever. Something.


2. Don't say Jesus unless you're in church.

1.Only run across the street if you're holding hands first. Right?


...Or it could be something about goats. Yeah...that's Rule Number 1. The Goat Rule.


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

48 comments:

  1. You guys are supremely brave, no way in the WORLD I am asking my kids!!

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  2. Tremendous. Absolutely outstanding. I'm now utterly terrified of how my four year old would answer this same question....

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  3. I need to know, what really is rule #1? I have a sign on the kitchen wall that says "If Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." If you look past the poor grammar, it is totally our Rule #1. My husband has been known to say, "guys, mommy is not happy. What happens when mommy isn't happy?" They reply, "nothing good happens."

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  4. I was telling my 4yo about the Golden Rule the other day and told him it was the most important rule in the world. He responded, "No it's not - 'Do what your Mom says' that's the most important rule!" Smart kid.

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  5. Hilarious! I have a cleaned-up version that the kids and I worked on together, hanging in the kitchen. Like, when she said "don't punch him in the head with my teapot" I wrote down "No hitting". When he said "stop kicking her in the neck" i wrote "no kicking". The in-laws see the list, so I had to edit.

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  6. PML, thanks ladies! For some reason they all sound so familiar- especially "don't tell Daddy".

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  7. Ours are apparently:

    1. Be good.
    2. Be good.
    3. Be good.
    4. Have dinner.
    5. Play at the playground.
    6. Be good, be good, be good.

    --Jack, who will be 4 in May

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  8. I just asked my daughter, 4, what is rule #1? She paused then said "no frogging". That explained...she masturbates and has done so regularly since she was 2. When she does this "wonderfully freeing act" she lies on her belly and looks like a frog, hence the code name. Lucky me, huh!?!

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  9. I can't tell you how often I have had to repeat #6 to my two year old son. His usual answer: "Why? I got butt germs?"

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  10. I asked. I got a "keep my penis in my pants." Um, i've got three little boys. yeah.

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  11. From the 4yo: Ummmmmm ......... ummmmmm......... hmmmmmm............... I don't know. (*sigh* - love one another, ALWAYS) Oh. yeah. That one.

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  12. Hilarious! But, I also want to know - what is the answer you were looking for?

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  13. Hahaaa!

    Rule #1 in our house is Mommy's the boss.

    Which is probably why I'm working my way through husbands the way other women wear out their favorite black heels.

    Meh. Whatever.

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  14. 5 yo Pumpkin Pie said that Rule #1 is "Don't spy on people in the tub".

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  15. Huh. I just asked my kids, and they both said (without comparing notes) that Rule #1 is: "Don't pee in your pants." That...works for me. I think I'll keep it.

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  16. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I thought we had been over this. Rule Number One is "Don't do nice things for your children."

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  17. Rule #1 is......

    Don't do nice things for your kids, because it will come back to bite you in the butt. The important part really is the second half of that. We all do nice things for our kids, we just need to remember that it will come back to bite us. Take your kids to see the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie this weekend because they are DYING to see it? Prepare for them to do fight with each other, argue, and even just breathe on each other within 24 hours and you will be questioning why you do nice things for them when they cannot be properly grateful for the nice thing you just did.

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  18. I just got: No drinks in the living room???

    I was totally expecting what I must have said a hundred times: "Always tell Mommy the truth", but alas apparently we can lie through our teeth as long as we don't spill juice on Mommy's favorite rug.

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  19. Heh. I have my kids so brainwashed. I'll say "Who am I?" They'll answer: 'You're the Mama. You know everything.'

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  20. My three-year-old just answered, "Stay in bed!" I don't think I'll argue with that one. :-)

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  21. LOL! Those are some good rules!!! You should make a sign in vinyl letters and place one in each of their rooms. Except they would all have 1. in front of them!!

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  22. 5 year old. "I don't know...really"LOOOONG Pause. "I think it's no climbing on the table"

    The 2 year old "no"

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  23. This is awesome. I can't wait to ask my 4 year old's opinion about this one.

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  24. I have teenagers and the #1 rules change quite drastically: and most involve cars, condoms, and cell phones. Ahhhh, and Don't Tell Daddy still ranks high!

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  25. Awesome. My kid can't talk yet, but I'm sure he'd answer something about don't climb the entertainment center/bookshelf/table/balcony/baby gate!

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  26. Awesomesauce. The Professor says "No running in the house, because if you get hurt, it's your fault and you have to get your own bandaid."

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  27. I just got from my 5 year old son. "I don't know". Guess I'm not re-iterating enough that Mommy's the boss. LOL!!

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  28. My 7 year old son just said, "Don't be disgusting?"

    Yes. That is it.
    kate in MI

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  29. asked my kids 12 yo "there is no rule 1" 10 yo "we don't break the walls" 3yo "see rule 2"

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  30. My daughter said "Don't be snotty to your mother", my one son said "We have 1 rule? I thought we had about 2 zillion" and the last one said "Don't let the baby play with anything sharp or pointy".

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  31. my 10 yr old said don't talk back to mama. Number 2 is always listen to your mama.

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  32. Don't talk back was the response I got.

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  33. I just asked and got more than I bargained for: 6 yr old said "Don't hurt anyone!" 3 yr old said "Mommy you're the sweetest strawberry." ??? 9 yr old says "UUUUMMMM, No open sex?" Me "WHAT!!!???" (Captain Huggy Face flabergasted look) "What do you mean by that?" "You know no kissing or any other gross demonstrations of anything remotely romantic to anyone who isn't in the family" "Ohh, umm buddy next time call it no public displays of affection -- especially if you mention this to anyone who isn't, well . . . me."

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  34. Unblinking, immediate answer from my 12-year-olds: "Rule number one? We have terrible dental." Not really a rule, but apparently they're starting to comprehend the complexities of insurance already. Yay?

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  35. 2 1/2 year old: Don't put fingers up mine nose!

    1 1/2 year old: NO! wick (lick) baby's nose!

    8 month old should have learned by now not to spit up on my fancy clothes but hasn't mastered that rule yet :/

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  36. I asked my 3 1/2 year old and she said, I quote, 'Nothing.' That explains a lot.

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  37. Listen to Mommy. But if they actually follow it...

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  38. I asked my 9 year old, who replied "Steal the bacon."

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  39. I just got "No yelling??" "No hitting??" from my 6 year old.

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  40. I've just discovered this website. :D
    Rule Number One in our house is : DON'T TOUCH POOP! NOT WITH YOUR HANDS, NOT WITH A WIPE. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TOUCH THE POOP.

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  41. Ours is "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"

    But only the 15 year old knew the answer, and he is the one who breaks that rule the most :(

    Guess it doesn't matter that its number 1 *sigh*

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  42. The First Rule, as established before I can even remember is "Don't Touch Mommy's Desk". I grew up with that firmly established, to the point where, upon finding this post and talking about it with my mom (who just linked me to the blog today), I was able to summon up the first rule without a moment's hesitation.

    Of course, when I started high school or so, rule one sorta shifted to become "Avoid Stupidity". That one's pretty good to. It works for me.

    ~Sor (who's in that weird inbetween place where she's too old to be really a kid, but too young to have some of her own.)

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  43. I tried this and I got: "Don't touch my boobs cuz them for mine babies" (from my 2 yo baby-obsessed girl) and "No swashbuckling" (from my 4 yo pirate-obsessed boy).

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  44. Ours is "If you do bad things, bad things happen!"

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  45. Ask anyone in my family--Rule #1 is no fake crying.

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  46. Oh, even yesser to #4!! Don't annoy the mama!! lmao

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  47. I'm late to the party...Mine answered "Don't carry fire in a bag." I don't even want to know...

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  48. I don't know. There are a few #1s. At four years old for my little boy it was, "No being mean to Mama!" At twelve years old it was, "If I piss off Mom, I get punished." And finally at sixteen years old the answer is, "Text my mom before I make out with my girlfriend."

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