Thursday, March 10, 2011

We're Like Dr. Phil...Minus the Mustache and the Douchiness

Contrary to nearly everything you know about Kate and Lydia, we were pretty hush-hush yesterday about what we did... Mostly because we were going on TV again and we're always afraid we're going to throw up or fall down or accidentally set something on fire. The thing is, this time they wanted us to talk about what kind of maternal advice we would give to some celebrities who seem to have broken their cerebral cortexes and are now six ways from whack.

And it's not just Charlie Sheen, even though he's the reigning King of the JackBags. There's also Christina, Lindsay, that crazy snitch who showed up uninvited to a White House dinner [classy...] John Galliano and all those celebs who thought singing for a Libyan dictator seemed like a good career move.

Actually, we never did get to talk about Mariah, Beyonce, Nelly and Usher...we're just really happy they gave away their million dollar payoffs to charity. We're glad you can still be shamed. We weren't sure that was possible anymore, so good for you. Also, we think the US government may have blown a perfectly good opportunity to despose a certain Middle East despot by deploying Mariah. Surprised? C'mon. Just because she's shrouded in glitter and butterflies doesn't mean she isn't lethal. Have you heard how many octaves that girl can reach? Surely one of them is the Kill Note. Right? I mean, she can hit notes that would shatter a wine glass...surely she can sever a brain stem as well.

Anyhow, the point is, the lovely people at TBD thought that -- despite our open and profound failure to successfully parent our own children -- that we should be giving sage parental advice to the rich and famous.

Even stranger, we agreed. Though, had they seen our morning, they might have changed their minds about our competency to do, well...anything.
  • Kate showed up at Lydia's house with a boobstain. Lydia feared the real Kate had been kidnapped and was afraid of getting into Imposter Kate's car.
  • Lydia was neither a hot mess, nor flailing about trying to get ready. She was also in heels. Kate feared that the real Lydia had been kidnapped and was afraid someone would eventually find her and Imposter Lydia would go away.
  • Lydia taught Kate the cathartic healing power of yelling out "Van People!" when someone in a minivan does something jackhole-y, like cutting her off then hitting the brakes because -- oops -- he didn't want to get on the freeway. It's made even funnier when Lydia yells it while she's driving the Tampon.
  • Kate also apparently drives like a meth-addicted Nigerian taxi driver. This according to Lydia, who's never been to Nigeria, addicted to meth, or a taxi driver. Not that she's wrong. At all...
  • We also determined that Jay Z can have people killed just by nodding at them, that Kim Kardashian is the luckiest person on the planet who is famous for doing nothing as she is now a "singer", and that her mom might just be a genius. Dear Kris, if you put us together, we too are equally untalented with good hair, a little junk in the trunk and would love to be "singers" and "models" and "actresses". Also "veterinarians", "dancers", and maybe "physicists".  Can you make that happen?
No? Well, that's OK. Because we may be well on our way to fame as Celebrity Moms.

So, Hollywood, you're welcome. We'll be sending you our bill just as soon as that guy stops nodding at us. Crap.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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