Saturday, April 30, 2011

Facebook, We Can't Stand it Anymore...

Oh Facebook... 

We love you so much but there's a problem.  We keep seeing these status updates and they're at best tedious and at worst so obnoxious that we want to start karate punching. And we really want to say something obnoxious in response BUT WE CAN'T.  Well, I guess we can but we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or set off some nasty flame war or have all the moms at our elementary school de-friend us.  So we say nothing. 

[Editor's note: We fully understand that we can be guilty of the this too. For example, Lydia is one of the people who feels compelled to frequently post pictures of her food. How nice for you, Lydia! You made chicken!]

And every time we see some thing like this: "You'd think after days of being home sick together the kids and I would be going crazy, but no! Instead it's been such fun and we have just loved spending so much precious time together!"

We want to post something like this: "You'd think after three years of insipid postings that I would block you from my feed, but no! Instead I practice my hammering skills - on my skull!"

But we CAN'T. So we have a favor to ask.  Send us all the Facebook status updates that annoy you (better do it anonymously) and we'll respond to them.  Hopefully it will help us purge the urge to snark whenever someone we know posts that they have a bad case of the Mondays.

Leave us a comment here or on Facebook or Twitter, and we'll pick a bunch to respond to and post it later in the week.  Thank you so much!

xo, Kate & Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. You mean glitter isn't a color? I am so heartbroken.

  2. I can't wait to see what's commented!

  3. Awesome, I will totally do it if something comes up!!! Actually yesterday a friend and i, who are both moms of new babies were talking about an "OMG I can't believe something so small can poop so much" moment and another 'friend' commented on how she wasn't interested in reading about poop updates. My filter was broken and my reply was along the lines of " who died and made you the editor of Facebook?". Needless to say, I more than likely started a "Schmidt" storm...but I really don't care!!!

  4. I have someone on my facebook who used to constantly post about her breastfeeding her son. Always talking about nursing or how she loves how he loves his "mommy milk" and how he nuzzles into her breast. I am all for breastfeeding, but keep those kind of posts to yourself!!

  5. LOL! I would love to send you our friends mushy love letters that they post ob FB. Seriously makes me gag when I read them :P I haven't found too many other annoying ones though.

  6. The worst are the incessant song lyrics in lieu of status. I barely care what's on your mind to begin with, but to know that there is truly nothing going on in there that can't be forced out by a song...why am I not surprised?

  7. Hate it when people post thinly veiled hypocritical judgements in an effort to "start a dialogue" - which just degenerates into a flame war.

    Also these days, hate just about every link posts for the same reason. I finally had to Unlike them. :P

  8. This came under the title "the pretty stage"Really I didn't know pregnancy had one but apparently I didn't pay enough attention last time around. Well, last time around I was at a miserable point in my relationship with my now hubby (not then mind you, we were 'just playin' then) so that could account for it. I am almost 28 weeks right now, the start of the dreaded third trimester. This week I have been approached by so many people (half of which are total strangers) that practically squeel in delight when the see me. It really is the oddest thing.

    I went into a scrubs store (hospital scrubs, I wear them at work) in search of those slip on nursing shoes. I am no longer able to comfortably lace my tennies so slip ons (with a back, not straight up clogs) were in order. They're all european strange ass sizes and my feet are widening as we speak so I can't just order blindly off the internet. The woman working there, her face lit up when she saw me. I was wearing my maternity scrubs and she just thought it was tooo cute how they looked on me. I think there are a lot of severely overweight people in San Antonio (ok I know there are) and many don't wear pregnancy well. In fact, it's often hard to tell some pregnant women are pregnant or just carrying their excessive weight really badly. I may have started out a little ahead of where I wanted to be weight wise but I only gained 10lbs in 6 months so I think I made up for it. Regardless, there's no mistaking my preggo belly for fat. I am just all in front belly. I remember this with my first pregnancy, it's all sticking out there, no hiding my pregnancies at all.

    So far this week I've had no less than 3 people think I'm due like right now. I tell them no, 3 more months and they give me this look of horror. It's what I'm feeling inside, trust me, I've been to this rodeo before and it's not a pretty fall. I get dang big. It's almost all belly though and while that's a good thing it's a damn big belly. I have to practically carry the sucker around and almost treat it as a separate entity. It's impressive...

    I'm very happy there is a cute stage to this pregnancy though. Random people I pass by tell me how pretty I am and others just light up with smiles. I'm not much of a warm fuzzy approachable person so it's very foreign but I don't mind. Making people smile is a good thing right? I'm having professional pictures taken by some friends of mine in 3 weeks or so. Lets hope the cute hasn't morphed into the massive and uncomfible by then. Baby is growing fast (she doubled in size in the last 4 weeks) and the weather is getting hot. Triple digits yesterday. Ah Texas, the swelling you will make me go through...

    Wish me luck in the photo shoot, nothing like having pics done when you're almost twice your regular mass huh?

  9. CONSTANT medical updates (especially those that contain TMI. I don't care how your scar is healing, how your blood test went, or how many times you have called the doctor. :)

  10. When people's infants or pets have their own FB pages and updated statuses.

  11. Posts from My Fitness Pal, "So and so Just burned 30bazillion calories running, jumping, crack whoring for 180 minutes today." Um, I can't get my kids to leave me alone for 90 seconds so I can urinate much less get them to leave me alone long enough for a three hour workout! Five days a week?!?!

  12. -When people are constantly negative. Please. I can barely get out of bed most days and still can find something positive to say!

    -"How do I get out of Jury Duty?" OMG Suck it up and do your civic duty! I did it and found it an amazing experience. You have no kids? A job that PAYS YOU FULL SALARY WHILE ON JURY DUTY. I know because I used to work there. If you have a scheduled vacation or some other good reason, delay it. Otherwise, suck it up and go!

  13. My aunt (Oh my Maude I think she was still drunk from the night before)rides her bike on the weekends downtown and goes drinking and has a friend who is paralyzed from the waist down and they were going back and forth on Monday morning on Facebook and I kid you not she wrote "Yeah we should totally get you a bike and you could ride down there with us" Umm? a bike? for the paralyzed guy? are you serious? I gave it the Maude face and walked away....

  14. A fb friend once updated to rejoice at her A in some class that she's taking in "collage."

    Someone really needs to tell her to get a browser with spellcheck. I so badly want to tell her that misspelled words on the internet are like going out in public with broccoli in your teeth. It amazes me that we went to the same schools and had the same teachers. I know they taught because I was there learning. She missed the boat. Here's a sampling of recent updates:

    Why is it when u give a 3 year old a bath and rinse their hairs 5 seconds later there are subs in it?

    one discussion down one to go, pluse 3 papers a quize and a flippen migrain to knock OUT!!!!!

    To all of the dushes that broke me, hurt me, abused me, and tried to make me feel like I am worthless....... in your face!

    Just won second place in the poetry slam. $30 gift card to barns and noble woo wooo!!!!

  15. LOL at the "maternity post" above. That is just too much!!!

  16. Any and all Perfect Mommy updates. I'm totally OK with the occasional "I'm so proud of my kid" or "My kid is awesome" update. But consistent bragging about your perfect kid or parenting just makes you a douche-nozzle.

  17. I have a friend who is constantly posting anti-Obama statuses. How dangerous he is, how Obamacare will kill us all, how he STILL doesn't believe Obama is American. And no, this friend is not named Donald Trump.

  18. PlayByPlay giril said "just made chili and pinto beans. Both are yummy!"

    I said "Great! Now I know where to light my match later after I read 'Eating chili and pintos' and 'Beans Beans the musical fruit lol'..."

  19. For real I gag when I read the incessant personal updates about a weekend warriors "superior" athletic skills and how jawsome she is like, "I rocked tonight! Scored 3 goals and the most amazing penalty shot ever! So much fun :) No wonder (insert son's name here) is such an amazing player - I guess he gets his skilz from Mom!" What this post fails to mention is that she plays low level over 35 soccer... I know because I play in a league a million divisions above her and left my trash talking I'm amazing stories on the college field 15 years ago. Legend in her own mind... every FRIGGING week! Hmmm... now I feel better!

  20. The teenaged girls who go through boyfriends like water, commenting on alternate weeks that it is better for them to not date. Then, posting excessively sexualized pictures of themselves. I already know that you're obsessed with yourself. Please don't foist it on me, too.

  21. How about the posts from the friends who sugar-coat everything about their life? How everything is sooooo perfect, when we all truly know that it's really not..... Like the ones who decide it's ok to cheat on their husbands, then break it off with said husband, move in with new boyfriend and his small children, and post status updates with said new boyfriend such as "Whatcha doing?" "Laying here next to you, staring at your beautiful face... ;) " F*ing gag me!!

  22. OMG ~ everyone must check out Lamebook ( Best.Website.Ever. I laugh out loud often, and can totally relate!!

  23. I have a vegan friend who will post dead animal responses, videos about mommy and baby cows being torn apart and more if I so much as mention cheese or some kind of meat that my children ate. It's awesome.

  24. Sadly, I can't post the ones that really annoy me because she is a fan of Rants and reads your blog every day. They are constant posts about "how great my kids are and that I'm a wonderful mommy".
    The other posts that drive my to the brink are the religious ones...Yes, I know you are born again but I am a heathen and DON'T care!
    I did, however, make a new group named "annoying" and I put all those peeps in it. Then I went into my settings and turned off their posts, so I didn't start schmidt by blocking or unfriending them and I don't have to read them anymore either. Win-Win!

  25. I'm pretty sure that I've broken all the "I hate it when people post that on FB" peeves. I guess I figure that if I irritate someone that badly, they can hide or unfriend me. Guaranteed, I'll never notice their absence.

  26. I have such a low threshold that I block the feeds that irritate me nearly instantly. And I edit myself, too. Not always, but if my last coupla posts were about my kids, I backspace myself up. I blocked my sister's Dad (don't ask) for this type of gem. --Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"???????-- Those tidbits are a daily and sometimes multi-day occurence.

  27. I dislike reading constant TV show updates as they're watching. Everything from sports to American Idol. If I really cared I would have watched it.

  28. I was going to rant on here about idiotic postings because I have seen some whoppers (like person who thought vegetarian fed chicken was a vegetarian safe food, yes I am serious)but in leiu of the recent tragedy here in TN and AL I wanted to share the messages that are blowing up my news feed right now:

    Today from 11-2 at the Soddy Daisy Veterans' Park (the one with the helicopter) Oak Street Baptist will be collecting cases of bottled water to aide with the victims of the tornado and disaster relief teams who are working to get the people back on their feet. This is a wonderful opportunity to be the hands of Jesus reaching out to those in need. I hope you can bring a case or two to help out.

    homemade mac n cheese, cell phones, internet, how running water and a soft bed are all available. Anyone who needs any of the following feel free to come over.


    Sister and nephew are coming over to wash clothes and take a shower. If anyone else needs to use facilities the C YMCA is open.

    For anyone who doesn't have power...or a home to have power in, my house is filthy right now, but you are welcome to shower here or do some laundry or whatever you need.

    ok. i set up the chattanooga tornado relief group today. there are 550 new members since i last logged in. the only things is the darma initiative has posted offering help and hot showers. there are people that are in peril that may be wondering who the dharma iniative is and how can they help. LOST lives on. chattanooga tornado. god bless.

    I could go on and on with these posts. It just warms my heart that facebook could be used for something so good and o far from trivial.


  29. I could go on and on. I put some of them on FB. Plus I just finished my second glass of wine, so my focus is out the window. (Please don't tell our lovely Headmistress of Deprivation.)

  30. There are two types of updates I hate:
    1. Facebook places update: I don't care if you are in Disney World but I bet some of your friends of friends who burglarize houses for fun care very much.
    2. "If you are seeing this message then you made my latest round of friend cuts." And the people who respond, "Oh thank God/Maude/dog/whoever." And I am wondering, "Should I be glad I made this round???"

  31. Oh no, this is a bad idea for me!!! I have a FB "friend" who is a source of constant group emails and gatherings around the computer while drinking with my girlfriends. She's so ridiculous that I've even compiled her status updates into several different documents to save and share. Basically, she's awesome (in an awful way), I'm going to hell, and I'll try to find you a few of the best and email them over to you ladies...

  32. I have a friend that whines and complains about her husband being gone all day for work and only getting to see him at night. She goes into complete overdrive when he is out of town for a few days, and don't even get me started if he's gone a week! I mean, I get it. I have a husband, too, and I hate when he's not here, but seriously?! Is it necessary to go on and on and on about how miserable you are and how much it sucks? I have absolutely no sympathy for you and your whining, esp. when I have friends that are military wives and they don't see their husbands for a year+! Funny how they don't complain about it 23,349 times a day.

  33. I just hate when someone post something IN PUBLIC in FB and thinks no one has the right so say what they think. SO when you answer them. or make a comment you find your self erased from their lists. LOL. it makes me laugh of sarcasm as Sometimes they do write a question in the status and then hate the answers!

  34. Oh and I also hate my SIL's answers to my posts!. 2 of them know I dislike them and will for life, they dislike me too, so why the effort of saying "nice" false comments? I still think I should erase them form my list but they re there for the health of my marriage as I already erased my MIL

  35. To anonymous that posted about "Lamebook" THANK YOU! That should kill a lot of time with a lot of laughter! Too funny!

  36. I have several friends who regularly use the obnoxiously hick phrase "I'm gonna get me some/have me some..." It drives me absolutely BSC. Bonus points go to the person who butchers the spelling and/or punctuation to go along with said annoying phrase. I've kept the filter on so far, but one of these days I am really going to lose it.

  37. How about the "Perfect Mommy" I know who is constantly posting about her weight loss a month after having a baby? Seriously, eat a freaking dessert or don't, but I don't need to hear about your food issues on facebook.

  38. I HATE when people use bad grammar and letters in place of words. Seriously, "you" only has two more letters than "u," so type it out - maybe you'll trick us into thinking you're not a moron. Unless you don't know the difference between their and there. Then we can still tell you're stupid.

  39. I had a friend that would post the "location" update as "In my lover's arms" and tag her boyfriend. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing, when, the next day, she posted something about praying for the Lord to take away her sinful desires.

  40. My favorite one ever was from a girl who posted about how drunk she was. Her boss responded "is that why you didn't show up for work tonight. I thought you were sick." Yeah, she didn't work there too long after that...

    I get tired of hearing about how formula/babies sleeping in car seats or cribs/strollers/sugar/white flour/disposable diapers/non-organic produce/meat/dairy/western medicine/public education/hospital births/doctors/c-sections/gluten/all of the above are evil and make me a bad mom if I use them. I finally got mad at one lady because she wrote about how evil hospital births are. I'm all for home births but I had huge complications with my son and have hemorrhaged with all 4 kids, so don't tell me my hospital births are a cop-out. I got pretty mad and haven't heard much about that since. :)

  41. Because of my age and the age of my friends, I have "friended" a lot of 12 to 18 year olds that are cousins, children of friends, my own teen-aged children, and friends of theirs ... a lot of 12 to 20 year olds.

    On one hand, it's not such a bad thing. I know what my kids are up to, even if they haven't said what they're up to. (winky-face!)

    On the down-side, I have had page after page after page of "status updates" from the middle-school / high-school drama league. They seem to breed this schmidt! It goes something like this:

    "He/she loves me!"

    "He/she hates me!"

    "OooooMmmmmmGeeeee! I hate him/her so much!"

    "He/she loves me!"

    Really? You are like 12, what the hell do you know about LOVE? The real kind of love. The kind of love where you deal with the schmidt that happens in life, and you still love each other in spite of it. Not the kind of so-called love where your mom drives you to the movie theater to meet up with a group of friends so you she can pay for you to watch a movie and sit next to your so-called "boyfriend" and call it a "date"!

    Oh, and they can't/won't/don't spell anything properly, they forget to use punctuation, and then they get all touchy about it when you happen to mention that maybe their grandmother (or me!) doesn't want to know via Facebook that they started their period!

    Oh, and the language ... the foul kind of language! OMG! If I'd said anything remotely, in the tiniest way, related to the words they use in front of anyone ... I would have had my teeth slapped down my throat, and I would have been grounded until I was like 60!

    I'm sorry to say, but I have blocked most of these 12 to 20 year olds from posting things to my wall. I couldn't say anything about it, and I couldn't take it anymore because I have enough REAL drama in my life that I didn't need anymore of theirs.

  42. this sort of stuff makes my head explode:
    "Can't w8 2 watch my 3yr old niece blow out her bday candles 2nite.. she's beyond precious.. but I hope she let's every1 have a piece cake.. ;-)"

    Doesn't it take more effort for someone to figure out how to NOT actually spell a word in English but to write it in stupid characters - and let's not get into the apostrophe misuse. OH MY MAUDE someone restrain me from slapping everyone who puts them where they don't belong!

  43. I block friends from my news feed if they start to annoy me. Then I periodically go check on them when I'm bored and need some entertainment.

  44. My sister in law is pregnant and she posts constantly about her pregnancy. I have 2 kids...this isn't her first. Its not that exciting to hear how many more days until you newest monster gets here. Also she recently posted a pic of what her baby looks of those encyclopedia Britannica the images at 28 weeks or something. It was the most sickening thing to see on Facebook. I threw up...literally threw up. Aside from that my other fb pet peeve is the people who make their 4D ultrasound pic...or worse a regular ultrasound pic their profile pic. Gross. I don't need to imagine your insides. There isn't enough mental floss to get those images outta my head.

  45. My sister in law is pregnant and she posts constantly about her pregnancy. I have 2 kids...this isn't her first. Its not that exciting to hear how many more days until you newest monster gets here. Also she recently posted a pic of what her baby looks of those encyclopedia Britannica the images at 28 weeks or something. It was the most sickening thing to see on Facebook. I threw up...literally threw up. Aside from that my other fb pet peeve is the people who make their 4D ultrasound pic...or worse a regular ultrasound pic their profile pic. Gross. I don't need to imagine your insides. There isn't enough mental floss to get those images outta my head.

  46. I agree with everyone. Here are some that drive me crazy...

    People who talk like this:
    "Howz ya day going b*otch? Yo we gon hit up da club laterz so call my celly. Every1 is goin - its gon be sick."

    The posts that some people make where their spouse/kids/job/finances/house and everything else in their life is absolutely perfect and they make nasty comments when anyone else says anything to the effect of something going wrong. They give you a lecture about holding your head up high and seeing the bright side. Give me a break - everyone has a bad day.

    Alternately, people who never have a single good thing to say... EVER. Everything sucks and everyone hates them. Please - go play in traffic.

  47. TOTALLY agree with the complaining about husbands away on business, especially from those who are also posting later the same day how their family member/sitter/friend is so awesome because they gave them a break so they could go to the spa/coffee shop/etc. Some of us don't get to do that when our husbands are IN town! And have some perspective...some of their friends reading are single moms, military moms with husbands overseas, or moms who are unemployed. A complaint here and there about missing your husband or having a bad day and wishing you had help is fine, but CONSTANTLY complaining? Especially when the husband is on said business trip to enable you to stay at home? Not cool.

  48. Play by play labor updates, people who update their status 15 times per day, the ones begging for people to hang out/bring them food/pay attention to them.

    Above all, people need to 'like' Anne Rice's page. I used to follow her for purely entertainment purposes, but even that became too annoying. She is completely in lve with herself. She constantly announces that's she's reread her own book and begging for other's "thoughts", posting the listing for her house that's for sale, advertising her eBay page, etc. And updates every five minutes. When does this woman have time to write?? Honestly, reading her posts makes me think of what it would be like if my grandmother was drunk and knew how to use Facebook.

  49. I can't stand when people who have blended families leave out their step kids, there are tons of posts and pictures about "their" kid but none about the kid they've "raised" for years! Ugh.....

  50. A childless cousin posted a rant about the lack of parental control of kids on a plane: "hey mommy and daddy it's time to teach your child the difference between talkng and yelling at the top of your lungs....specially while in an airplane.....OFFS use your INSIDE coice please." I might have intemperately responded that on a long cross-country flight you can try to keep from screaming or you can to keep them from kicking the seat back in front of them -- but not both. Pick your favorite.

    Same cousin previously went off about public breast feeding and I might have said something about newborns needing a feed every 2 hours and that you can either stay in your house all day long and never go anywhere or pump for 30 minutes to get more than a 2 hour errand done OR breast feed in public. And, ahem, it IS legal and protected. I *think* the cousin is still speaking to me -- at least she hasn't unfriended me...

  51. here are some paraphrased "doozies" that i can still recall followed by my fantasy comments!: (names changed)

    Jill: i just got yet ANOTHER residual check in the mail!! who says the economy has taken a down turn??

    me: ummm....shut up please?

    Jill: busy day! after taking my kids to the apple orchard (organic of course!), and visiting the museum of natural history, we still had time to learn about the ecosystem in the park!

    me: I took a nap AND a dump!

    Jill: If you aren't ashamed of God, press like and copy and paste this too your page. remember, He will deny you if you deny Him!! most of you won't copy and paste this....

    me: I died, and was at heaven's door and God said: "sorry honey. you didn't press 'like'. AND you didn't 'copy and paste'. i never knew you." boy i wish i had listened to your darn post jill! we must tell everyone to COPY AND PASTE!!!

    stuff like that drives me insane! really it's comical.

  52. I can't figure out the 40-somethings acting all "gangsta"and posting about their murther ferking alchohol consumption all the time. Let's be clear, I'm not talking about moms who need wine or tapping a T-box.

    And I am guilty of posting food pictures like Lydia. My parents and a bunch of my friends are seriously into food p0rn *giggle*

  53. My SIL did a great one once. It was not on my wall, it was her status ''I went to church this morning. Where were you?''

    As if I needed another reason to dislike Judgey McJudgerson!

  54. My MIL posts the most ridiculous "post this as your status if you agree....." bullshit on the planet. I liked her before we were facebook friends. Seriously.

    Imagine the WORST of the Michelle Bachmann/Tea Party spew you can imagine and then have it regurgitated to you on your newsfeed daily. Blech.

  55. My SIL (who's older than me-I'm 32) just finished college to be a teacher & she can't spell! Not on fb & not in everyday life. Serious annoyance. And that's who's teaching our children! Thank maude my step-mom & 2 sisters are teachers or I would loose faith. To continue picking on her, she's overweight(150 over) & pregnant & feels the need to constantly remind us all she's pregnant - with the 4th child they're can't afford so my in-laws get to continue paying their way through life. Oh, & she's pissed at me bc I'm pregnant & we (my husband & I) got congratulated instead of lectured.
    Another annoyance others have commented on, whn ppl lev stats updts wth lttl 2 no vwls. REALLY, you lazy fart?! Is that so we can't see your lack of spelling ability or bc it takes less time?
    ,Sorry just felt the need to vent :)

  56. My SIL is a vaguebooker...her status update are routinely mean spiritied and aimed @ specific people. Since she doesn't name name in the updates, she gets to pat herself on the back for being a good person. Here is my favorite one of hers, ( and by favorite, I mean the one that makes me want to square up!) whiich she posted just after receiving the invite for my babyshower
    "Umm, no thanks, i'd rather stay home and eat dog poop than spend time with you"
    The next day she rsvpd that she couldn't make it due to a previous engagement.

  57. I agree with Lynne, I've always thought that it must take more effort and time than it's worth. Maybe if you're a chicken pecker it saves time, but if you actually know how to type, I can't imagine it would be quicker to remove your fingers from home row to punch in a number or two to avoid those few letters. Another thing that annoys the hell out of me is when someone types "would of" instead of "would've"'s WOULD and HAVE!!!!

  58. Friend of mine makes these posts multiple times a day:

    I have been SO lazy today!! Only thing I've done that showed the slightest bit of effort today is cook. I have pork chops, stuffing, and limas cooking now to take to Joy's along with leftover cornbread from lunch and pineapple cake I made this morning. We also had an AWESOME breakfast, if I do say so!!!

  59. The worst posts are the ones I love the most. My ultimate favorite: "Finally met a truly good man, a real man. A really good man who can actually COMMIT. I can't say his name yet and I can't post a pic, but I will as soon as I can. Stupid divorce lawyers don't know anything about LOVE."

  60. I just defriended someone who admitted on FB to having an eating disorder/exercise compulsion and then proceeded to spend the next few months posting several times a day about her workouts and how little food she ate (often pictures of the five grapes, etc). I was going through my friend list and realized she hadn't even said anything after the birth of my daughter, which was the final straw.

    I know someone else who also has a similar problem (starving herself and overexercising). I posted a status update last year that I was worried about going into labor during a snowstorm as my local area doesn't plow or salt and the hospital was 30 miles away. Another friend who was here and was pregnant a year before replied that she understood and had the same fear. Then the crazy person responds that she also understands and is afraid that she will fall and break her leg while out running. Umm no, not the same thing at all!

  61. That is funny. Here's my take on it. I have two of them. If you post something that I think is ridiculous, annoying or ridiculously annoying then I will most likely say something about it to my husband. Or maybe just shake my head in disbelief and then see what happens next. Now on the other hand IF you don't like what I post then DON'T FREAKIN' READ IT! It's my facebook status and I have every "write" to post whatever I feel like and if you don't like it. SUCK IT. Don't hate. Appreciate. Don't worry in a couple hours I'll probably be *itching about the same husband I am oozing honey talk all over at the moment. (This was not to anyone specific, just to the person that gets so annoyed at my ridiculously annoying comments about my husband or my brood of children, or breastfeeding or baby poop stories. I know I fall in both categories depending on the time of the month.)

  62. I hate the mommy status updates that are ALWAYS so perfect and happy...I mean, c'mon, your kid NEVER gives you the gears?? And c'mon, she's 3 and you are reading her chapter books while you nurse her?? Gag, gag... is my confession, and I dearly hope, Lydia & Kate, that this is not YOUR pet peeve...I steal blog quotes to use as my status updates. Alot of time, yes, quotes from YOUR blog. I do add "quote courtesy of ...."

    I really hope it's not a bad facebook faux pas or something you can sue me for ...but here's the thing...I can't snark about my hubby, I have a few people on FB who go right back to him and narc me out. And I can't rant about my daycare kids...cuz all their mommies are on my FB. Not good for business, right? I can't even say "man, I"m having a crap day" or "my job sucks sometimes" cuz my job involves THEIR children.

    So, I read these hilarious kid-related things on your blog or someone else's blog ... and I quote it. Cuz all my FB friends are moms...and except for that one annoying perfect mommy, all our kids drive us sometimes.

    I was viewing it as a bit of free

    I'll stop if you tell me to...but then I won't have much to say

  63. OmGeEeE!!!! I hAtE dA sTaTuSeZ dAt Iz RoTe LiK dIs ;) :(
    Okay, c'mon, maybe if you were 12 I might not hold that against you so much, but dude (yes, that crap is from a guy) you are pushing 40 and you work in an office, I know you know how to type and spell.
    I hate the Perfect Mommy/Perfect Kid ones, especially by the mom that only posts about her son, while leaving out her stepdaughter that she has raised from a year old that only knows her as Mom.
    Or the ones that post a status about me, but are too chickenshit to actually speak with me about it in person or over the phone, so when I reply to it they act all outraged that I did so in "public", then they delete me and anyone who may have agreed with me in their public post.. Haha not my loss, trust me.

  64. Oh so many great ones to choose from! Heres a gem from my mother, Joey is her dog by the way:
    "so, i don't know how Joey is going to take mommy going to work. i have been with him since we brought him home. hope he does ok. i know he doesn't like it when i leave... he barks at the door. at least chris will be home with him."

  65. Regarding farmville:
    "don't like the new farm. why is it that my corps i planted last night on my first farm are not done this morning, it is like it was put on hold. so for those who have not made it there, it really is no big deal.and i will not spend alot of time on one farm if they don't work together. you should be able to have crops grow the same time on both farms. not one or the other."

  66. I have an acquaintance whose self-congratulating Christmas cards are much like this posting: "Good day at the BLANK household! Sidwell got a perfect score at NYSSMA (28/28) on piano! And Porsche had artwork chosen (again) for a special exhibit! Yay kids!" Also, in her FB info, she writes, "Lawyer, wife and mother (pretty good at all 3 so far...)" Whoop de whucking do, I say!!

  67. How about the daily scripture people? Don't get me wrong- scripture is good- but somehow it always sounds like my daily dose of judgement. For example (actual post from my FB)

    "Romans 6:12-14 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."

    You're saying there's what? In my where? Whatcha getting at woman?

  68. I hate the ones that are like,
    "Like this if you think cancer is BAD. Support cancer research! Leave this as your status for one hour. 98% of people will not. Will YOU?"


    "If you believe in Allah/God/Jesus/Ishtar, "like" this. Own your beliefs!"

    or --

    "Oh, darling John, you died a year ago. Hope you like it in heaven!"
    (Last time I checked, heaven does not have WiFi.)

  69. My absolute fav was my 17 year old cousin posting about losing her virginity hello all your relatives including your mom and aunt (as well as us that are like whatever but still....) are friends with you!

    Yikes....that was a great one!

  70. The organic judgers. Whenever they mention eating food, shopping for food, or cooking food they always feel the need to remind everyone how organic it is. Which is great but really? Who judges people for not eating organic? these are the same people that respond to this post:
    "little johnny is eating this apple like it's his job!"
    organic judger mom replies "it's organic right?"
    WHUCK?? mind ya' business!

  71. I have included here some of the inane and WTF? updates I have seen lately:

    "Had the best shower ever at my aunts house. The towels are so big and soft- the last time I took a shower not at home- the towels were so little and rough. It's the simple pleasures in life that make days enjoyable. So, enjoy soft and big towels today."

    "Just found a candy necklace on our solar lights in the front flower bed... wonder if it was from the drunk who passed out there on Easter morning?! Wish I knew b/c I sooooo want to eat it!!"

    "aboutta eat stake, potatos,corn n the cob and rolls....It's gonna be bomb...yeah be jellous :D"

    These do not include the Ms Lonelyheart posts from my single friend who stalks...I mean,, I mean, LOVES the man who moved half-way across the country to get away from her! She is so certain he follows her on FB, even though they are not FB friends, she writes "coded" messages in her status updates *just* for him, then "likes" and comments on her own status from her alternate FB account!!
    Don't get me started on the 20-somethings who want to move out of their parents' house so they can be independant and party all night and then complain about not having any money because they spent their entire DQ paycheck on a new fricken tattoo!!!



  72. Someone already mentioned the daily scripture verse, and I'll see that and raise them the people that post stuff like this:
    "Sigh...Good Afternoon Lord!!! Thank You for sweet rest and a desire to study Your word. Who's hungry? Eat the bible, it never leaves you hungry! THANK YOU JESUS!!!"

    Too much fiber for me, I think.

  73. Too many posts for me to read through so maybe someone already said this - but I'm peeved by the one-word posts. You know, where the person EXPECTS people to care enough to reply and ask more probing questions. For example a friend just wrote "Satisfied." So then I had to write, "About what?" and then she explained that she was satisfied with the time she ran for her race. Couldn't she just say, "Satisfied with my race time." instead?

  74. OK no one can top DannieA's. That's hilarious!

    However one of my favorites from a 14 year old family friend was when she and her friends were talking about how bjs work and her aunt chimes in that if she really wants to know how they work she'd be glad to take her out to lunch and explain the whole process.

  75. I get pretty frustrated when my friends who have just had kids ONLY post status updates about their children. It's like they stop being a person and morph into this "mommy" who only has anything to say about their kid's sleeping, diapers, baths, teething, etc. I get it, your kid is adorable, or you're really tired because your baby didn't sleep much last night...the list goes on and on. But really, I just want to say...what happened to you?! You used to be interesting! At least, in the multitude of boring statuses you post during the day, you could at least make SOME of them not about the baby. I do care about your kid and am delighted to get updates, but I'd also like updates about YOU.

  76. THIS JUST IN! Co-worker who has been on short-term disability for FOUR MONTHS and Facebook's DAILY about her kid. First post was "gosh I never wanted to be a full-time mom but here I am!" Recently posted about getting her resume together and "looking at her options" when she knows co-workers read her FB. Also posted a whiny "they love the temps more than me" sob fest. (Obviously we had to fill in while she was gone.) She will not answer direct questions about how she's doing (we have ZERO details on her condition) or when she might return to work. Believe it or not, we do care.

    However, today's post takes the cake: "Wedding in 20 days and a to do list a mile long..."

    Boss recently granted her TWO MORE MONTHS to "figure things out" while she apparently job hunts and plans the Big Day. I wish the Boss would get on Facebook and see what's really going on.

  77. Saw this one this evening. "I've had my ringer off all weekend and not one call or voicemail. I feel loved..."

    Well maybe if you weren't such a whiny drama-magnet people would want to talk to you!

  78. I have a coworker that is constantly posting about how amazing life is, and how anyone that doesn't think that things are always perfect and peachy and smily is a horrible loser that needs counselling. I'm pretty sure she's the one that needs counselling!

    Another FB "friend" of mine is in a weird place in her relationship, and she's constantly posting back and forth about it - one day she's all rainbows and sunshine, and the next day she's posting about how he's a horrible person and she hopes never to see him again. Okay, honey - feel what you want, but don't pull the rest of us into it!

    Also - for those that are annoyed by people posting only pics of their bio kids and not their stepkids... consider that there might be another reason. I have LOTS of pics of my sons up, but very few of my stepdaughters, because were something to happen between myself and my husband and he got married again, I would definitely not want the next wife posting pics of my kids where a lot of people that I don't even know would be seeing them. It's a respect thing - I respect their bio mom. I know that my FB friends are all good people that I know personally, but she doesn't know them, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable by posting pics of her kids on the internet. Make sense?

  79. People who post all their baby momma/baby daddy drama or other relationship distress drive me up a long, tall freaking wall! Currently, I have a friend who can't seem to stop posting angry rants about how the mother of his child is planning to take off with the kid, how he hates her and all this crap. The worst of it is the people co-signing these posts, threatening to do something to the mother. There are two sides to every story so for people to jump on that bandwagon is fifteen types of wrong. It smacks of immaturity on his behalf for even putting personal business out there like that (even if the mother is the pits). And it makes people choose sides which is also quite ignorant and inappropriate.

    I also can't stand lurkers who choose to not comment on my posts but will mention that they read it if they see me face to face. Stop staring and say something for Pete's sake or else meet my "remove friend" button! It's called social networking for a reason. And no, I am not a comment whore. I'd just rather people participate than just stand outside looking in on my life with out narry an occasional comment.

  80. It drives me bananas when someone captions a picture 'Susie Q and I' at ...'. Would you caption a picture of only you 'I at...'? Aaaarrrrgggghhh!

  81. Just in case you also kinda enjoy seeing posts like this, try
    Those posts are really priceless sometimes.

  82. I agree, people who shove the organic food down your throat are the worst.
    "Today I made homemade spaghetti with spaghetti squash instead of noodles and home made sauce with all locally grown, organic food I bought from the farmers market down the street." and then they feel the need to remind you how many chemichals are in food bought from the store and how we are poisioning our kids by feeding it to them.

  83. I love the ones that say "Repost if you have a daughter and you love her so much" Ummm, who doesn't love their daughter? Is it really worth a post.

    If it isn't interesting/funny/something you would say in front of your boss/spouse/mother, do not post!

    I will also admit that I de-friended someone for very strong opposing political views. Couldn't stand the right wing rants any more.

  84. Any and all things dealing with Farmville. WTH. I am not going to babysit your goat or send a prized bull to impregnate your heffer. Or whatever. Virtual farming is the NEW LOW for America.

  85. I have a fake facebook account, just so I can post status updates that are similar to all of the status updates that freak me out. He's a combination of an inappropriate man looking for love and on the verge of a mental breakdown, an uneducated part time gangster, an undetermined homosexual, and your average suicidal american teenager.
    At the end of each day, I get in my car and laugh out loud at everything that I write.

  86. I too despise the perfect mommy ones. Especially because my "friends" are the mommies of teenagers and we all know that there is no such thing as a perfect teenager.

    "My little angel made the honor roll again and he never talks back or rolls his eyes b/c he is perfect!"

    Also, the teenager ones:

    "To be honest (like this and i will post on your wall"

  87. I just hid one of my friends who constantly posts things like "I am having a FABULOUS day. How about you?" and "My kids are the greatest, smartest,sweetest, most considerate people ever and I am the luckiest woman alive". I would seriously like to punch people like that. I want someone to commiserate with rather than someone who makes me puke in my mouth every time I read their status.

  88. Today, my cousin typed a comment about Osama bin Laden being killed on Facebook, and an ACTUAL response from an ACTUAL jackhole was, "who's that?" At first I thought she may have been joking, BUT SHE WASN'T. AND hasn't been in a 10-year coma.

  89. This isn't a FB status update... but it is just as funny. My ex-husband has the comment below as his signature line that goes on all of his emails. I can't help but giggle a little every time I read it... and, no, I haven't told him that it's incorrect yet - ha ha ha!!

    "Eat like an Amimal. Train like a Monster. Sleep like a Baby."

    Um, no, I don't know what an "amimal" is! LOL

  90. I hate calling my MIL to give her the news only to find out my nosy SIL has basically told her everything that was posted by me or my kids. The woman never comments, never posts any updates of her own, yet feels compelled to share everyone else's business... also the hippie mom of one of my acquaintances who posts about all the "beautiful and wonderous" things in her life, anything animal related... and the things she thinks make her sound smart but really make me want to yank all my hair out... thanks for the idea to create an ANNOYING category and banish updates! Also annoying - my sister's day care provider comments on her posts within half an hour... while my nieces are in her care... I don't know why my sister hasn't fired her yet!

  91. I can live without the sexual innuendos and flirting in the comments that cascade from a suggestive or "double entendre" post. I had to block an old acquaintance because the responses to his comments (ranging from wordplay to just plain smut) was way past my threshold for suggestiveness. I'm an adult, but I don't need that in my news feed (and I certainly don't want one of my kids to read any of that over my shoulder!).

  92. Let us not forget those who feel the need to remind us how wonderful their significant other/relationship is every 10 seconds, only to follow it up with a million and one pics of them in different poses all looking exactly the same! Ok Ok, OK Ok already! We understand you are in L-O-V-E and are just so perfect you don't even poop, but you are comming off as insecure to the rest of us and we just want to barf!

  93. I know one guy who starts off every day with some philosophical bull crap like "i can't see my future if i'm looking through the windows of my past."

    The rest of the day it's all "Anyone interested in a 2008 Jeep Cherokee fully loaded power locks low mileage? Only 2 left so come see me at Douchebag Motors!"

    Then every evening it's back to the philosophy. And then it ends with "good night all. Namaste."

  94. The teenage ones you can't read: yEsTeRday i GoT tO c Mi NiEcEz .&. Mi NePhEwZ♥ wE pLayD "hOtEl" oUtSiDe FoR LiKe 2 HoUrZ LoLz .&. Mi YuNgEsT NiEcE NeLli sAnG mE a SoNg BoUt HoW NiCE i Am .&. HoW MuCH sHe LoVeZ Me(: --> i LoVE ThM sO MuCH♥♥♥[:

  95. New annoyance! Thanks for the 2,234,695 posts about your birthday coming up, what your plans are, how your children are ruining them by being sick, and how much it sucks that your husband is not home to celebrate with you. "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to..." NO ONE CARES. Well, except for those two people who seem to gush over every.single.comment you make about how much your life sucks.

  96. I'm so afraid I'm guilty of all of this. Well, not the teenage text spelling ones. But this is why I keep my status updates under one a day and try to keep it under two a week. I figure that way at least I'm keeping people's annoyance level below the boiling point . . . I hope.

  97. Ok this is from the girl who is sleeping with her friends husband whom also happens to be her boss:
    "Disapointment, sadness, and feeling betrayed are just some of the feelings i can use to discribe how I feel right now... :( I guess this was not my weekend, and I just hope since its not over yet, that tomorrow won't get worse. Lesson learned! the worse thing is that my parents told me so... wow!"

  98. I have a friend who has a college degree in Chemistry, dropped out of Grad school because she "just wasn't that into it" and b!tches about not having a job. She graduated in 2005. No kidding. It's above her to work in fast food or retail because "I just don't like working with people." It's a JOB and it pays the bills. She has refused to leave the Mid-West because she likes it there and that way she can be close to her family. Her DH is in a dead end job and he's always complaining about his job. If they would be willing to LEAVE the Mid-West, I could probably get her a job. A real job. Not the night shift temp job packing trucks or the "cat-sitting" nonsense. Oh! And I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't care that your cat just vomited on your pillow. Or that the other cat just ate ant killer. You have pets. Schmidt happens. And keep your darn ant killer put anyway for the love of all that is holy!

  99. I'm a little late to the party, but I've seen two status updates this week that really hit my buttons. I've tried to program myself to ignore the "awareness-threat" posts that tell me I have to copy & paste if I agree, otherwise it will identify me as one of the sad ignorant people who likes cancer/autism/soldier abuse/diabetes/insert cause here. I also hate the updates that tell me if I respond to their post, I have to post it on my page, too, or else... ? (What? What will happen if I write on your wall and don't put anything on mine?)

    But mostly, I hate extremist/hate politics. Political debate on any side of the spectrum is fine, but the post from a coworker on Monday was one of the worst: "I woke up this morning and read the headline "Osama killed," and did a happy dance, but then I stopped--I thought it said "Obama killed." Oh well, can't win them all."

    The sick part? Six of his friends "liked" that status. (I shouldn't add this part, but I find his attitude especially repugnant because he's a paramedic.)

    Also: I have a fake-helper friend who tries to get kudos as a heroine every time there's a natural disaster: "As a Medic, it just really brakes [sic] my heart that there are people in Alabama who need my help and I can't get to them. Japan was one thing, but they're only a two hour drive away. It's especially frustrating for us professional rescurers [sic]." Her previous one: "My heart goes out to all the people in Japan. I want my RN NOW so I can go help. I can't graduate fast enough!!!!!!!" (She usually gets about three or four people chiming in either about being equally helpless, or patting her on the back for being a hero just by caring. To which she says something along the line of "Thank you. I know I do great work, but I wish I could do so much more.")

    1. She's not a full Medic. She's an EMT (The difference between EMT and Paramedic is a 6 mo certificate program vs a 2-yr A.A.S. degree). She's also not in nursing school.
    2. These posts are generally followed up a few hours later by a complaint that she's at work and "had to go on another pity call. 911 is for emergencies, ppl!! Stop wasting time on my bus with your suicides and leave room for ppl who really need us!!"
    3. If she was sincere about her efforts to help and did just 10 minutes of research, she would find that AL, Japan, Haiti, etc. (it's been going on for awhile) don't need extra emergency responders on the ground; they need supplies, chainsaws, and people who are willing to get their hands dirty by rebuilding. Also, most states have an emergency response database that you can register with, and if your help is needed in a mass casualty incident, they literally call you. The registration, certification, and verification process took me a whole 30 minutes to complete.

    I admit that after her last helpless yet holier-than-thou-because-I'm-a-medic status update, I may have cracked a little bit, and responded with friendly links to her local Red Cross, state Emergency Response Database, FEMA, and Americorps coordinators, (as well as two local churches who'd listed online that they were organizing a help group) then "helpfully" added that if she couldn't get anywhere with them, I could give her the phone #s of my local coordinators so we could get her started. Plus, if she was interested, I had two extra pairs of work gloves and boots that may fit her if she needed them. She didn't respond. ;-)

  100. what about a MIL and DIL who refer to one another constantly as "Daughter-in-Love" and "Mother-in-Love". Yes, I'm serious.

  101. LMAO at all of these! I have a friend I sometimes want to strangle. She's always posting these statuses about how horrible her toddler son is. "He's such a monster" "He's a HORRIBLE baby!!!!!" It makes me crazy! The kid was a year old - ONE-YEAR-OLD?! He's a baby, he's going to have whiny, tantrum filled moments, he's going to cry when he needs something ("He cries ALL the time!!")... That's how babies communicate they need something people! And then she was pregnant again! Oh if that poor kid wasn't bad enough, it became the "complain about baby, complain about pregnancy" show. (names changed to protect the moronic)

    Jill: "JohnJohn wasn't bad enough, NOOOOOOW I'm 4 weeks pregnant and I already feel like I can't move!"
    My head: First, are you kidding, that's what you call your kid?? Are you serious? Honey, I had twins and had no problem moving until a week before they were born, you've GOT to be joking!

    Jill: JohnJohn is SOOOOOOO horrible, he's SUCH a bad baby!
    My head: Really? He's about 15 months old, I'm sure he's the terror of the block already. BTW, keep telling him that, and one day he WILL be.

    Jill: Mike (her 11-yr-old!) actually watched JohnJohn for me so I could nap. This having a baby and being pregnant may just kill me.
    My head: Well, nice of you to remember you have another child who lives there.... and if at week 5 it's killing you, please jump off a bridge now because by week 30 the rest of us will be jumping.

    And then the baby's born... OMG everything becomes about her little "doll" (meaning she finally got her girl) and all the crap she buys this kid. Really. 2-week-old babies do NOT need clothing with boas attached, 25 pairs of shoes, and matching purses and/or headgear!? And hey, that "monster" of a toddler boy... we forgot about him unless it's to complain about him some more. Only occasionally will she complain about the baby being cranky or not sleeping well. But this little boy still gets labeled as horrible all the time.
    I feel so bad for this little boy. Yes, all babies can be frustrating, but come ON! Give the kid a break. And if you didn't like having kids so much, why get pregnant again? I guess she was hoping for her girl to play dress-up with her. I don't even want to think about if it'd been another boy.

    Yes, the religious posts make me crazy. Copy and paste has nothing to do with belief... and you know what? Not everyone does believe. That's their right, too. The posts where they "typ lik dis r stupd 2" and make me want to strangle someone.
    Shiny, happy people... obnoxiously negative people... How about, just be REAL? Yes, we all have great days. Yes, we all have horrible days. It's life. Don't share every detail, but sure, if you're willing to read the replies and not get peeved at people for stating what they feel/think in response, go for it. No one expects you to be happy ALL the time, so don't pretend to be unless you are willing to admit to popping prozac 5 times a day, please :P

  102. Posts like this every day and she is a grown woman!!

    "Good Morning and Happy Super Fabulous Monday, Everyone!!! It's time to rise and shine, move and groove and get this Monday started........... Hell yeah, Baby!!! Let's do this people!!! Have an Incredibly Amazing Super Fab Absolutely Awesome Monday, Everyone!!! =-)"




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