Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Five Stupid Things About American Idol

I love American Idol.  I know it's super cheesy, and I don't care.  But my husband -- the incomparable and curmudgenly Cap'n Coupon -- does care.  He thinks it's all very silly.  Yet I make him watch it with me for several hours each week. And he sighs and rolls his eyes and reads stuff on the laptop about baseball and world news and Michigan's football program and politics and new books that are coming out that he wants to read and what the weather will be like tomorrow and how much we should expect to pay in taxes next year and other stupid things.  While I am watching American Idol - the most important hour on television and maybe in all of history.

Every once in a while he glances up and makes a comment, and it's just a reminder that my very old fashioned, very square but adorable husband does not get it.  But perhaps he pays more attention than I think.  Examples:

Cap'n: "Lydia, who is that odd looking woman with the collagen mouth?"
Lydia: "Come on. That's Stephen Tyler from Aerosmith."
Cap'n: "Oh. The one who sang that song from that asteroid movie that never stopped playing that whole summer?"
Lydia: "Yes."
Cap'n: "Is he a judge now?"
Lydia: "Yes. Him and Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson."
Cap'n: "So he's filling the off-the-meds celeb vacancy left by Paula Abdul?"
Lydia: [Chokes. Sprays wine across living room.]

Cap'n: "Lydia? What happened to the almonds?"
Lydia: "I ate them. They're a healthy snack. They're on my list of acceptable snacks."
Cap'n: "But they're all gone? I swear you're part squirrel. You crave nuts more than that Seacrest guy."
Lydia: "What exactly do you mean by that? I've recently decided that I love Ryan Seacrest."
Cap'n: "It's a well-established fact that the man is a tree-dwelling Keebler. That's what I'm saying."

Cap'n: "Lydia, who is that man with Jennifer Lopez?"
Lydia: "That's Marc Anthony, her husband. He's a famous singer, too."
Cap'n: "I'm sorry did you say that he's married to her?"
Lydia: "Yes indeedily doo."
Cap'n: [affects funny voice] "My name is Marc Anthony.  It is my job to be good to Jennifer. To love her.  To ride around in her purse. And to shiver."
Lydia: [begins quaking with repressed laughter. Tries not to fall off chair]

Cap'n: "Lydia, I just tried to google "AMERICAN IDOL" to find out with they did with Paula and these music sites all keep talking about the "J.A" rule.  What is the "J.A." rule?
Lydia: "I think you mean Ja Rule."
Cap'n: "What are you even talking about?"
Lydia: "Ja Rule is a rapper.  He's currently experiencing some legal difficulties."
Cap'n: "Isn't this him here? With Jennifer? Does Marc Anthony know about this? I don't know about this guy.  He really should follow the J.A. rule and stay out of trouble.  And don a shirt."
Lydia: "I couldn't agree more."

Cap'n: "Who is that singing? I like that. He sounds like Anita Baker."
Lydia: "That's Jacob Lusk. I just love him. Look! Look at him sing! Can't you feel how much he cares?"
Cap'n: [looks concerned about Jacob's well-being] "God heavens. What's wrong with him? He looks like he has the poo lock up when he holds a note."
Lydia: "Why did you say that? WHY?" [closes eyes and shakes head in failed attempt to rid brain of of Jacob's constipation]

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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