Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Five Stupid Things About American Idol

I love American Idol.  I know it's super cheesy, and I don't care.  But my husband -- the incomparable and curmudgenly Cap'n Coupon -- does care.  He thinks it's all very silly.  Yet I make him watch it with me for several hours each week. And he sighs and rolls his eyes and reads stuff on the laptop about baseball and world news and Michigan's football program and politics and new books that are coming out that he wants to read and what the weather will be like tomorrow and how much we should expect to pay in taxes next year and other stupid things.  While I am watching American Idol - the most important hour on television and maybe in all of history.

Every once in a while he glances up and makes a comment, and it's just a reminder that my very old fashioned, very square but adorable husband does not get it.  But perhaps he pays more attention than I think.  Examples:

Cap'n: "Lydia, who is that odd looking woman with the collagen mouth?"
Lydia: "Come on. That's Stephen Tyler from Aerosmith."
Cap'n: "Oh. The one who sang that song from that asteroid movie that never stopped playing that whole summer?"
Lydia: "Yes."
Cap'n: "Is he a judge now?"
Lydia: "Yes. Him and Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson."
Cap'n: "So he's filling the off-the-meds celeb vacancy left by Paula Abdul?"
Lydia: [Chokes. Sprays wine across living room.]

Cap'n: "Lydia? What happened to the almonds?"
Lydia: "I ate them. They're a healthy snack. They're on my list of acceptable snacks."
Cap'n: "But they're all gone? I swear you're part squirrel. You crave nuts more than that Seacrest guy."
Lydia: "What exactly do you mean by that? I've recently decided that I love Ryan Seacrest."
Cap'n: "It's a well-established fact that the man is a tree-dwelling Keebler. That's what I'm saying."

Cap'n: "Lydia, who is that man with Jennifer Lopez?"
Lydia: "That's Marc Anthony, her husband. He's a famous singer, too."
Cap'n: "I'm sorry did you say that he's married to her?"
Lydia: "Yes indeedily doo."
Cap'n: [affects funny voice] "My name is Marc Anthony.  It is my job to be good to Jennifer. To love her.  To ride around in her purse. And to shiver."
Lydia: [begins quaking with repressed laughter. Tries not to fall off chair]

Cap'n: "Lydia, I just tried to google "AMERICAN IDOL" to find out with they did with Paula and these music sites all keep talking about the "J.A" rule.  What is the "J.A." rule?
Lydia: "I think you mean Ja Rule."
Cap'n: "What are you even talking about?"
Lydia: "Ja Rule is a rapper.  He's currently experiencing some legal difficulties."
Cap'n: "Isn't this him here? With Jennifer? Does Marc Anthony know about this? I don't know about this guy.  He really should follow the J.A. rule and stay out of trouble.  And don a shirt."
Lydia: "I couldn't agree more."

Cap'n: "Who is that singing? I like that. He sounds like Anita Baker."
Lydia: "That's Jacob Lusk. I just love him. Look! Look at him sing! Can't you feel how much he cares?"
Cap'n: [looks concerned about Jacob's well-being] "God heavens. What's wrong with him? He looks like he has the poo lock up when he holds a note."
Lydia: "Why did you say that? WHY?" [closes eyes and shakes head in failed attempt to rid brain of of Jacob's constipation]

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. This made me laugh out loud in a very real way, not the plain LOL way.
    Too funny.

  2. This is hilarious! I am a major Idol fan too, back after a hiatus from the show and I adore J Lo on there. Also, Jacob Lusk is my fave!

  3. BAHAHAHA. "a tree-dwelling Keebler" BAHAHAHA. Thank you for my morning laugh today!

  4. omgsh, does he really talk like that? i love him. lydia, your whole family is made of pure win.

  5. LMAO @ the Marc Anthony bit! :D

  6. Cap'n Coupon is the BEST! I love a good laugh first thing in the morning!

  7. This was so funny! Your husband is a RIOT!

  8. "And shiver." BAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

  9. This is hilarious. I don't know who half the people you mention are (I don't watch American Idol), besides Stephen Tyler and Ryan Seacrest, but this literally had me laughing out loud.

  10. "To ride around in her purse. And to shiver." OMG! That's IT! I couldn't figure it out...but that is exactly it! LOL!

  11. "You crave nuts more than that Seacrest guy."-Yes, I went to a bad place with that one. Sorry.

  12. Your husband may be the funniest human on the can a woman as pretty as J-Lo be married to that man?

  13. i so understand what you are going thru. the adults i live with just dont understand. untill they ask who i am rooting for. james hes awesome, tho dh thinks he needs to stop the "ever lovin screeching" sigh . thnx for the laugh

  14. Sorry to disagree, but I can't wait until Jacob gets the boot. He drives me bonkers. I love your husband.

  15. I'm seriously laughing out loud and sharing with my co-worker! Your blog is Hilarious and I'm so glad I found it! This comic relief is the best thing all day!

  16. Must interject.

    I seriously think that Marc Anthony has some major anemic issues, and I fear for his blood counts and what-nots. A Puerto Rican should never be so pasty.

    Also. Let's discuss Jacob. I do think he can sing, but I take major issue when he sings in that high falsetto range? Only to drop so low that I think he's about to break into a rendition of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot"? In my brain, this occurance is like losing cabin pressure in an airplane and me no likey.

  17. ok, this has nothing to do with american idol at all but something funny just happened and i had to share. so, i was looking up 'mudflap girl' on wikipedia because the other day my friend made a joke that if she had her own flag it would have mudflap girl on it and i wanted to post mudflap girl on her FB page just to embarrass her or something and on the wikipedia mudflap girl page it said that there is a feminist blog writer who used the mudflap girl image with a middle finger sticking up as her logo and there was a link to her blog and that got me wondering if other blogs had their own wikipedia pages so i searched for RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND. and (this is the funny part) wikipedia asked:
    'do you mean RATS from MARYLAND? hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ok, well, anyway, that's all. i just thought it was kind of funny. but, um, maybe you had to be there.....

  18. Fellow AI JunkieApril 7, 2011 at 9:43 AM

    I'm a little behind on reading your blog, but this is so much like the AI experience in our house! I TiVo AI so we can fast-forward when the commentary gets to be a little much (the only way the hubby would watch when Paula was a judge is if I would fast forward through her). I would recommend the TiVo, and then you can pause when the Cap'n starts speaking of rendom subjects.

  19. Why, yes, Jacob *does* sound like Anita Baker! FTIHAD!!! ***FTFOL***

  20. Can't stop laughing and reading every other line out loud to my husband.

  21. Funny, funny ppost. It is just too hard not to get hooked on reality tv. I am sooo hooked on Dancing with the Stars.

  22. OMGsh!!!! I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!




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