Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Five Universal Laws of Bedtime

There's something magical about the phrase "Time for Bed!" It spontaneously transforms our children into tiny little atomic particles of destruction and evasion, ricocheting off of everything except their toothbrushes and their pillows. And we invariably wind up standing in the hallway making threats of such cosmic - and comic - proportions that, when we finally do retreat downstairs, the kids whisper to each other, "Do you really think Mommy is going to the moon tonight? Why can't we go? She's so mean..."

1. The Hydration Equation
This refers to the sudden onset of extreme thirst and/or hunger that is timed to delay going to sleep and to possibly make mommy's head explode.  Remember that thing called dinner? The thing you didn't feel like eating? Remember the full glass of milk you left on the table twenty minutes ago? YOU ARE NEITHER HUNGRY NOR THIRSTY, YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP.  You can't fool mommy. 

2.  The Elimination Lapse
You do three things in the bathroom. Brush, wash and go. And, every night, we do all three of those things. So let me ask you something, because I just don't understand it. Why do I have to remind you to pee?  I am inclined to think that you don't pee on purpose because you know I'll ask you if you remembered to brush, wash and go and then you'll have an excuse to get out of bed and ask me four hundred questions.  Rather than just go to sleep, so that I can fold laundry with my nice glass of wine and something cheesy on TV.

3. The Lunar Revelations
By the time bedtime rolls around, the children have been home from school for somewhere between four to seven hours. In that time, there's been opportunities to play, eat, possibly do homework, rat on their siblings, pretend to take a bath, eat some more, play Wii, smack someone, sit in Time Out, complain about dinner, eat dinner, whine about the woefully pathetic dessert selection, tell your parents about every stinkin' moment of your school day including when you thought you were rappers and eat some more.

Why, dear children, does bedtime suddenly coincide with a daily epiphany of all the sh*t you forgot to do? Things like an art project. Or get out the note that your teacher sent home to remind mommy about the Field Trip she agreed to chaperone. Tomorrow. With cupcakes. Is your bed the trigger for your memory? Because if that's the case, we have a problem. In that somehow you can look at your bed every morning and still not remember that maybe making it would be a good idea.

4.  The Proximation Predilection
After spending the entire afternoon ignoring me & rolling your eyes, now you want to snuggle? You must think I'm an idiot. You just want to drag out bedtime as long as you possibly can until I -- oh, all right. Come here and snuggle.  I love you, too.  Just for five minutes though. GAAAHH! Your feet are cold! And please stop shoving your elbow in my boob. That dent is not going to come out. 
 
5. The Quadratic Formula of Equality
No matter how efficient you think you are, there is no getting around the fact that the bedtime routine will take ten minutes per kid. Add a bedtime related chore - say getting backpacks filled and placed by the door or exterminating a monster infestation under a bed or in a closet - add another ten minutes. Per kid. Then factor in the super-annoying, post-tuck-in, pre-sleeping, multiple-mom-shout-outs and requests-for-sh*t.

And that's when we turn from kind, loving mommies into crazy, seething lunatics who threaten our kids with snakes if they don't stop making noise for the love of Maude. Luckilly, there's a new book for that...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

31 comments:

  1. But they always continue trying to fool mummy, Lol.

    Great post.
    CJ xx

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  2. I saw somebody post that book on FB yesterday and I just KNEW you guys would be all over it!

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  3. Where was that book when I was going to baby showers every other week? Best.Shower.Gift.Ever.

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  4. I have four kids, and oh my Maude, it takes for-freaking-ever to get them all tucked into bed.

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  5. i can't believe that's a *real book*! Um, love.

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  6. ok, so here's where i say i can help, and i have proof that it works cuz my own spazoid deviled eggs meets satan spawn earned income tax credits children have been GOING TO SLEEP within 20 minutes of prayers and Jesus loves me. Melatonin. It's natural. the pediatrician prescribed it after i explained that all of our groceries ended up in the kids' closet floor every morning because of nightly raids. anyhoo, we've been using 1 tablet of melatonin per child about 20 minutes before bedtime. they get a small sip to wash it down and then immediately to the bathroom. by the time all 3 of them have had hugs and kisses, quiet is on the way. no more 3 hour WHY GOD WHY what did i do to deserve this/mommy gwar voice. if there IS any getting up in the night time, they are honestly sick or had a bad dream.

    that said, i really want the above book.

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  7. Your kids tell you about every moment of the school day? My kid's answer is "yeah" when I ask about school. What does that even mean? Perhaps I need to tie it into allowance.

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  8. Oh I SO needed that, I'm all "Hold my purse, I'm about to square up" pissed this morning. And I ma buying that book for real. Maybe I'll send you ladies a copy.

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  9. Book? What book?

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  10. But...why does it take Daddy only 3.5 minutes to get both children into bed?!

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  11. Just about died when I saw the title of the last book. PLEASE MARKET THIS TO MOMMIES.

    Or maybe it's only funny because I haven't had a good night's sleep in...ugh. I don't want to talk about it.

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  12. I saw the book on Amazon...Have. To. Have. It!!!

    @Tall Girl-I know, right? It takes me an hour, it takes Dad about 1 minute per kid. UGH!

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  13. OMG that so describes my life. Last night I actually told my children that I was going to run away and join the circus if they didn't go to bed. Then Daddy came upstairs, and magically everyone was asleep within 15 minutes.

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  14. I cannot WAIT until that book comes out. It's just too bad I'll never be able to really read it to my son.

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  15. Wait a few years. Now that some of them are teens, they are staying up later than me. And they still get up before me.

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  16. Location:bathroom. Time:8:30 pm. Scene: Mom thinks since the kids are in bed she can take a shower in peace. ACTION! 5 yo enters the bathroom and asks, "Mom, why aren't you in bed?" Mom: "Why aren't YOU in bed?" 5 yo exits. Mom: "Shut the door!" 7 yo enters. "Eww, you're naked." Mom: "Duh. I'm in the shower. If you don't like it, might I suggest not barging into the bathroom?" 7 yo: "I have to potty. Why are you in the shower?"
    Mom: "Is that a trick question? You do realize we have another bathroom, right?" 7 yo ignores the question, uses the potty and leaves. Mom: "Shut the door!" Sleepy 2 yo enters to whine, "Need more watah, Mooommma." 5 yo re-enters. "How come he gets to be up?" Mom is now beginning to hear the music from 'Psyco'. "I will be out in a minute. Please get back in bed and I will be with you shortly." Kids leave. Mom: "SHUT. THE. DOOR!" End scene. CUT!

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  17. Yes - I have severely dented boobs because of number 4 myself. These are universal!

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  18. God,I'm tired and annoyed by just reading that. And, it happens every furking night. *sighs*

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  19. Have you been lurking in my house? And of course my DH decides half an hour before bedtime that it would be great to try out the pinewood derby cars. GAHHH!!!

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  20. Ugh- mine is 18. Years not months. Thank holy hell there is such a thing as dorms at college. Sheesh! That made me tired reading it- I sorta gforgot about that part of being a mommy. Or maybe that was divine intervention trying to save the last speck of sanity I have left.
    http://howtoskinnyacat.blogspot.com/2011/04/boobies-and-chin-hair.html

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  21. Crazy! This is totally my life. Boob-dent, food, snuggle, all of it. Wow, I'm not the only one :)

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  22. Oh, I'm SO getting that book for every pregnant lady I know. Perfect!

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  23. My 10 year old STILL does all this.

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  24. Yes, very true. But seriously, I put my kids to bed uber early b/c they awaken at like 5:30am no matter what I freaking do. By 6pm, I'm like, "OMGHOWDOIHANDLEANOTHERHOUR?!" When it's bedtime, I am just so ready, and every moment they're getting ready for bed feels like a damn eternity.

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  25. too bad it's not being published in time for Mother's or Father's Day. Definitely going on my baby shower gift-buying rotation list.

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  26. I recently read the book 'Go The F%$#K to Sleep" and pretty much peeded myself. Thanks for this.

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  27. We have that book on order (moved up from September to June!) and I can't wait to read it!

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  28. I listened to Samuel L Jackson read that book on youtube. SO awesome!

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