
Dear Children,
These ARE NOT TOYS:

9. Tampons. Though they are fun to peel and fun to shoot like rockets, they are in fact feminine hygiene products and not toys that come in a convenient 8-pack. Also, they don't go up your nose.
8. Dental floss.
7. Scotch tape. Also, do not put it on your sister's eyelids. Or try to make your nose into a snout. Or see what it would be like if you had no thumbs.
6. Band aids. Just no. They also are not a replacement for tape, even though Mommy's done that.
5. Christmas lights after they're taken off the house but before they're put away that make a very satisfying crunchy-poppy sound when you stomp them. Santa can't find the house if we don't decorate it. Really? You don't believe me? Let's find out, shall we? My guess is, you'll cave right around Christmas Eve.
4. Boogers. Also not food. Or adhesive. Or part of a Super Duper Wet Willy. That's just gross.

2. Deodorant. Not for bellies. Or tongues - of course it tastes dry. Knucklehead.
1. Batteries are not toys. Batteries go in toys. All kinds of toys. Batteries do not belong in your mouth unless you want mommy to have an eye twitch. And please stop saying "CLEAR!" and touching the 9-volt to your tongue. Yes, I know it tingles. Though I didn't know it made you pee a little. Really? Can I try?
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011