Friday, April 15, 2011

Top Ten List of Things That Are NOT Toys

When Kate went through her winter purge a few months ago, she got rid of fourteen thousand pounds of toys. Lydia managed to just shuffle hers about the house so that it looked like some of them were gone, but really they were just shoved under the sofa cushions. Also, her dining room table is now entirely made out of Legos and playdough. And when the Cap'n starts asking about the previous dining room table, we just have massive fits of coughing. I think he's going to have us examined for rabies or something. The point of this was to encourage the children to play with the carefully selected collection of toys we did keep in the house; and, more specifically, NOT to create new toys out of things that are not toys. Fail and FAIL.

Dear Children,

These ARE NOT TOYS:

10. Action figures placed gingerly on the blades of the ceiling fan. Then turning on the ceiling fan.

9. Tampons. Though they are fun to peel and fun to shoot like rockets, they are in fact feminine hygiene products and not toys that come in a convenient 8-pack. Also, they don't go up your nose.

8. Dental floss.

7. Scotch tape. Also, do not put it on your sister's eyelids. Or try to make your nose into a snout. Or see what it would be like if you had no thumbs.

6. Band aids. Just no. They also are not a replacement for tape, even though Mommy's done that.

5. Christmas lights after they're taken off the house but before they're put away that make a very satisfying crunchy-poppy sound when you stomp them. Santa can't find the house if we don't decorate it. Really? You don't believe me? Let's find out, shall we? My guess is, you'll cave right around Christmas Eve.

4. Boogers. Also not food. Or adhesive. Or part of a Super Duper Wet Willy. That's just gross.

3. Used bubble wrap = toy.  New bubble wrap still encased in its original wrapping = not a toy. Also not a jacket. Or padding to be worn while intentionally running into walls.

2. Deodorant. Not for bellies. Or tongues - of course it tastes dry. Knucklehead.

1. Batteries are not toys. Batteries go in toys. All kinds of toys.  Batteries do not belong in your mouth unless you want mommy to have an eye twitch. And please stop saying "CLEAR!" and touching the 9-volt to your tongue. Yes, I know it tingles. Though I didn't know it made you pee a little. Really? Can I try?


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

29 comments:

  1. Tampons are not toys????? I don't know about that. They are soft, cool to shoot, science-y, can lead to talks about the human body. and I have a ton of them I get for free(coupons)... and I know NOBODY that uses them.. (except for toys)

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  2. Ew ew ew ew ew, to most of that list. I have a wierd aversion to sticky stuff, so part of the entertainment around here is chasing Mommy around the house with bandaids, tape, stickers, or the like. It's great fun for all, except me.

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  3. Pads make excellent barbie beds apparently. Earplugs are mini pylons for dinkie cars. Of course they don't find the clean ones still in the package - they find the used ones under mommy's bed. The ones that have been used and pulled out in the night and are now resting on a bed of dust bunnies. Eww and EWWER.

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  4. Tampons are evil-- as toys and as feminine hygiene products. Look into a Diva Cup. It takes some getting used to but I love it. (They are not paying me to say so!)

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  5. I have a friend who used tampons to make "snowflakes" for a dorm Christmas tree in college. She got them wet, then hung them to dry, spritzed with glue spray & glitter. Then she hung them on the tree by the strings. Her roommate was the Dean's daughter. The college's Dean complimented them on their "beautiful homemade ornaments". They had to stifle their laughter.

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  6. How about almost 5 pounds of flour, just deposited into the plastic storage container? Noiseless, feels neat, and flies SO well around the kitchen...

    As much as it drives me crazy, I'd still rather they play with the scotch tape... which explains why we never have any in the house.

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  7. Ummmm.... BreeAnna, how could you know nobody who uses tampons?? Are you serious?? I'm from Australia so maybe things are different over there, but I know NOBODY (who is still menstruating) who DOESN'T use them!

    As for leading to talks about the human body you should try actually using them and having your 3 y/o catch you in the act... now there's a talk!

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  8. I have to say you are wrong about part 2 of number 9 sorry. My husband, according to his mom, had never had a nose bleed in his life and got one for the first time after we were married. He panicked which made his nosebleed worse and prolonged it for several hours which made me take him to the ER (He actually screamed at me that he was probably going to die and could tell I did not care before I finally made the decision to take him to the ER) The doctor stuck a packing up there that did look an awful lot like a tampon. and to this day I feel it necessary to ask him if he needs me to pick up extra for him when I buy mine ...

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  9. I must add to the list with: Dog food!!! My youngest IHP thinks its something to "mix" in to everything! And if we are talking bathroom artifacts how about Q-tips! I find them everywhere! Oh and my 2 middles they seem to think when playing outside that mulch is something to lug around and spread all over everything!

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  10. girlwondershowshedoesitApril 15, 2011 at 8:54 AM

    Shredded Cheese is NOT a carpet deodorant. For the 50th time. The dog (who you've shut in the toybox at least a dozen times this week alone) will not like you because you sprinkled your floor with dog food. In fact, he'll come cower under my bed with the dust bunnies and whuck he pulled out of the catbox. A really wet toilet paper tube spread and stuck neatly to your wall is not art. It is however a sign that I need to go to Walmart for more toilet paper as the rest of the wet roll is sitting in the toilet or sink. Thank you for choosing me.

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  11. Ozgal, I don't know anyone who uses tampons either. I personally use a cup (not a DivaCup, though I do own one), and everyone else I know uses pads, either because they're grossed out by the idea of touching themselves or because they're terrified of TSS.

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  12. My son was up in the bathroom with my husband while he was washing his hands. My son decided to go through all of the drawers in there. (You'd think my husband would stop him don't you...but no. Thanks for that) Anyways, he found my tampons and of course asked what they were. My husband told him to go ask me...again Thanks for that. I just told him they were for big girls and he's find out for what when he was older. Hasn't used them as a toy yet though thankfully.
    To the woman who said she knows NOBODY who uses tampons...are you from a 3rd world country or something? I don't know of any adult woman who doesn't use them.

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  13. Trying hard not to take my mind to the gutter on "Batteries go in toys. All kinds of toys."

    Whoops! Went there any way.... BWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

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  14. I had a mommy tell me a story that she could hear her 5 year old talking to her 3 year old and heard the older one trying to convince the younger one to do something. Wisely, she bounded into the room to find her 3 year old about to put the business end of her plugged-in cell phone charger. She scolded the older one and he said, "It's fun, mommy. It gives your tongue a tickle!"

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  15. To be honest, Tampons are awesome in a first aid kit, to add to the Anonymous comment above, when I used to help out with my high schools wrestling tournaments, we would cut them in half to use when someone got a bad nose bleed.

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  16. Mmm...you forgot one! Haha!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VtzSDI8u2o

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  17. Tampons are not toys but they do make good packing material...as in stop the bleeding packing. My sister called me totally frantic after her boyfriend got his wisdom teeth out...I went over stuffed two tampons in his mouth and told her to change them when they got fat. It worked perfectly and OB are the perfect size for this sort of thing, in case you needed to know! ;)

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  18. Haha, I would also say that the other feminine products are not STICKERS! :)

    Playing It Cooley

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  19. I'll add in to the "look into a Diva/Keeper cup" folks. No more waste, no TSS risk, easy to use. No messier than putting in/taking out a tampon.

    We're still fighting the "dirty laundry and mommy's phone are not toys" battles.

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  20. Can I just say that even though I'm not a Mommy, I'm a Nanny! And I find this beyond freaking HILARIOUS! I serisouly just had this conversation with the kiddos...about my tampons...yup..awesome!

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  21. Yup. I know a lot of tampon users, several pad-only-ers, and one cup user.

    Maybe it's regional? Are pad-users maybe from the south, and cup users are from California, and tampon-ers from the East coast? Hm. Never thought of it.

    -kate in MI

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  22. If you wet a tampon, allow it to dry and paste googlie eyes on the string-free end they make nifty pet mice... Old summer camp "craft"

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  23. I refuse to use tampons, but know a couple women who do. My daughter (4 now) has emptied the econo-sized box of pads from under the bathroom sink and used them to 'decorate' the walls/sink/toilet/shower curtain with before. /sigh.

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  24. This is why I keep my bathroom door locked.

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  25. How does everyone know the feminine hygiene products used by every.single.woman they know? Did i miss a meeting?

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  26. OMG - others have said this too, but, really, enough with the secret cameras in my house already! The other day in a playroom full of toys my two little ones were fighting over... an empty box! And my older son will stop to play with boxed toys at the toy store that are the exact same ones he won't touch at home.

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  27. I am SO thrilled that I am not the only one who has to hide menstrual products or risk having them left in conspicuous places around the house and/or destroyed.

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  28. Putting action figures on the fan? I thing I should try that...

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  29. As far as tampons in the nose....I was an Athletic Trainer for a high school wrestling team....Tampons (with the strings cut off) are excellent for bloody noses :)

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