Top Ten List of Things That Are NOT Toys

When Kate went through her winter purge a few months ago, she got rid of fourteen thousand pounds of toys. Lydia managed to just shuffle hers about the house so that it looked like some of them were gone, but really they were just shoved under the sofa cushions. Also, her dining room table is now entirely made out of Legos and playdough. And when the Cap'n starts asking about the previous dining room table, we just have massive fits of coughing. I think he's going to have us examined for rabies or something. The point of this was to encourage the children to play with the carefully selected collection of toys we did keep in the house; and, more specifically, NOT to create new toys out of things that are not toys. Fail and FAIL.

Dear Children,

These ARE NOT TOYS:

10. Action figures placed gingerly on the blades of the ceiling fan. Then turning on the ceiling fan.

9. Tampons. Though they are fun to peel and fun to shoot like rockets, they are in fact feminine hygiene products and not toys that come in a convenient 8-pack. Also, they don't go up your nose.

8. Dental floss.

7. Scotch tape. Also, do not put it on your sister's eyelids. Or try to make your nose into a snout. Or see what it would be like if you had no thumbs.

6. Band aids. Just no. They also are not a replacement for tape, even though Mommy's done that.

5. Christmas lights after they're taken off the house but before they're put away that make a very satisfying crunchy-poppy sound when you stomp them. Santa can't find the house if we don't decorate it. Really? You don't believe me? Let's find out, shall we? My guess is, you'll cave right around Christmas Eve.

4. Boogers. Also not food. Or adhesive. Or part of a Super Duper Wet Willy. That's just gross.

3. Used bubble wrap = toy.  New bubble wrap still encased in its original wrapping = not a toy. Also not a jacket. Or padding to be worn while intentionally running into walls.

2. Deodorant. Not for bellies. Or tongues - of course it tastes dry. Knucklehead.

1. Batteries are not toys. Batteries go in toys. All kinds of toys.  Batteries do not belong in your mouth unless you want mommy to have an eye twitch. And please stop saying "CLEAR!" and touching the 9-volt to your tongue. Yes, I know it tingles. Though I didn't know it made you pee a little. Really? Can I try?


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