Friday, April 22, 2011

Top Ten: Things Kate Did While Everyone Was Away

 Lydia hightailed it out of town last Saturday for a Coupon Family Disney Holiday. The last thing I heard from her was a text that said "We are on the road again like murtherfurkin' Willie Nelson!" Then, four days later she asked me to send an email and told me how busy she was.

And then McLovin and Happy left town. And then Lefty and McGee decided they should light out too. So, for 47 1/2 hours, I was a.l.o.n.e. You'd think I would have relished it. You think I would have thought it was the best 47 1/2 hours of my life.

You'd think wrong.

10. I solicited on Twitter for a Lydia stand-in for three days. No one good ever answered it. Except the police. A Twitter tip: the word "soliciting" should definitely NOT be part of your 140 characters. And the people who did answer...I'm sorry. I'm not sure I know what you're talking about, but no, I don't have a webcam. Also, ewww.

9. I convinced Guru Louise to come visit from Boston. It's only a 10 hour drive. With two kids. Alone. I have issues. The first words out of my mouth were, "wow, Boston is really far." Thanks, Captain Obvious. Later, her daughter slapped me with a sandwich. I'm pretty sure that was planned.

8. I ate nachos from 7-11. With jalapenos.

7. I stared at my wine refrigerator conjuring up plausible Lent-defying reasons that would make a glass of wine possible. None of them worked. Hint: Watered down cranberry juice in a wine glass ain't fooling nobody. I still had four glasses. And then peed all night.

6. I watched four episodes of "South Park" followed by a Discovery Health Channel hour-freakin'-long show about bed bugs. And then my brain ever so helpfully gave names to all the assumed bugs in my bed and then I did laundry. Thank you, brain. I know now that when Eric Cartman is the soothing thought in my head, it's time that I introduce you to the pointy end of nail file.

5. Planned for a four-hour Mulch-The-Garden Extravaganza. Then it rained. It was the best excuse ever to watch Harry Potter for the fourth time. But I still skipped over the snake in the Bathilda Bagshot suit because that scene is scary. Shut up.

4. I swept the driveway. I swept the driveway. Uh-huh. Swept the driveway. Still have to keep saying that...yeah. For an hour....swept...the m***erf**kin' driveway.

3. I contemplated how long I could go without a shower. But then I thought about it too much and couldn't stand it anymore. Total elapsed time: 44 minutes.

2. Watched "Team America". Then Kim Jong Il sang about being lonely and then I thought of Lydia, and then I realized I was comparing myself to a North Korean dictator -- and a puppet -- and then I called Lydia a name and went shopping.

1. Tallied up my solo hours and discovered that, subtracting time for sleeping, eating and watching movies, [Editor's Note: And time doing this particular math problem.] I spent 55% of my free time....doing laundry.

Hell, they all might as well come home now. Before I start soliciting again.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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