And then McLovin and Happy left town. And then Lefty and McGee decided they should light out too. So, for 47 1/2 hours, I was a.l.o.n.e. You'd think I would have relished it. You think I would have thought it was the best 47 1/2 hours of my life.
You'd think wrong.
10. I solicited on Twitter for a Lydia stand-in for three days. No one good ever answered it. Except the police. A Twitter tip: the word "soliciting" should definitely NOT be part of your 140 characters. And the people who did answer...I'm sorry. I'm not sure I know what you're talking about, but no, I don't have a webcam. Also, ewww.
9. I convinced Guru Louise to come visit from Boston. It's only a 10 hour drive. With two kids. Alone. I have issues. The first words out of my mouth were, "wow, Boston is really far." Thanks, Captain Obvious. Later, her daughter slapped me with a sandwich. I'm pretty sure that was planned.
8. I ate nachos from 7-11. With jalapenos.
7. I stared at my wine refrigerator conjuring up plausible Lent-defying reasons that would make a glass of wine possible. None of them worked. Hint: Watered down cranberry juice in a wine glass ain't fooling nobody. I still had four glasses. And then peed all night.
6. I watched four episodes of "South Park" followed by a Discovery Health Channel hour-freakin'-long show about bed bugs. And then my brain ever so helpfully gave names to all the assumed bugs in my bed and then I did laundry. Thank you, brain. I know now that when Eric Cartman is the soothing thought in my head, it's time that I introduce you to the pointy end of nail file. 5. Planned for a four-hour Mulch-The-Garden Extravaganza. Then it rained. It was the best excuse ever to watch Harry Potter for the fourth time. But I still skipped over the snake in the Bathilda Bagshot suit because that scene is scary. Shut up.
4. I swept the driveway. I swept the driveway. Uh-huh. Swept the driveway. Still have to keep saying that...yeah. For an hour....swept...the m***erf**kin' driveway.
3. I contemplated how long I could go without a shower. But then I thought about it too much and couldn't stand it anymore. Total elapsed time: 44 minutes.
2. Watched "Team America". Then Kim Jong Il sang about being lonely and then I thought of Lydia, and then I realized I was comparing myself to a North Korean dictator -- and a puppet -- and then I called Lydia a name and went shopping.
1. Tallied up my solo hours and discovered that, subtracting time for sleeping, eating and watching movies, [Editor's Note: And time doing this particular math problem.] I spent 55% of my free time....doing laundry.
Hell, they all might as well come home now. Before I start soliciting again.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
