Friday, April 22, 2011

Top Ten: Things Kate Did While Everyone Was Away

 Lydia hightailed it out of town last Saturday for a Coupon Family Disney Holiday. The last thing I heard from her was a text that said "We are on the road again like murtherfurkin' Willie Nelson!" Then, four days later she asked me to send an email and told me how busy she was.

And then McLovin and Happy left town. And then Lefty and McGee decided they should light out too. So, for 47 1/2 hours, I was a.l.o.n.e. You'd think I would have relished it. You think I would have thought it was the best 47 1/2 hours of my life.

You'd think wrong.

10. I solicited on Twitter for a Lydia stand-in for three days. No one good ever answered it. Except the police. A Twitter tip: the word "soliciting" should definitely NOT be part of your 140 characters. And the people who did answer...I'm sorry. I'm not sure I know what you're talking about, but no, I don't have a webcam. Also, ewww.

9. I convinced Guru Louise to come visit from Boston. It's only a 10 hour drive. With two kids. Alone. I have issues. The first words out of my mouth were, "wow, Boston is really far." Thanks, Captain Obvious. Later, her daughter slapped me with a sandwich. I'm pretty sure that was planned.

8. I ate nachos from 7-11. With jalapenos.

7. I stared at my wine refrigerator conjuring up plausible Lent-defying reasons that would make a glass of wine possible. None of them worked. Hint: Watered down cranberry juice in a wine glass ain't fooling nobody. I still had four glasses. And then peed all night.

6. I watched four episodes of "South Park" followed by a Discovery Health Channel hour-freakin'-long show about bed bugs. And then my brain ever so helpfully gave names to all the assumed bugs in my bed and then I did laundry. Thank you, brain. I know now that when Eric Cartman is the soothing thought in my head, it's time that I introduce you to the pointy end of nail file.

5. Planned for a four-hour Mulch-The-Garden Extravaganza. Then it rained. It was the best excuse ever to watch Harry Potter for the fourth time. But I still skipped over the snake in the Bathilda Bagshot suit because that scene is scary. Shut up.

4. I swept the driveway. I swept the driveway. Uh-huh. Swept the driveway. Still have to keep saying that...yeah. For an hour....swept...the m***erf**kin' driveway.

3. I contemplated how long I could go without a shower. But then I thought about it too much and couldn't stand it anymore. Total elapsed time: 44 minutes.

2. Watched "Team America". Then Kim Jong Il sang about being lonely and then I thought of Lydia, and then I realized I was comparing myself to a North Korean dictator -- and a puppet -- and then I called Lydia a name and went shopping.

1. Tallied up my solo hours and discovered that, subtracting time for sleeping, eating and watching movies, [Editor's Note: And time doing this particular math problem.] I spent 55% of my free time....doing laundry.

Hell, they all might as well come home now. Before I start soliciting again.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. LMAO.... That sounds like me.... I fight so hard to have time to myself, and then I have no idea what to do with it.

  2. Ok... first of all... the Snake in Bathilda scene scared the piss outta me. I won't watch that scene anymore either. Second... laundry is what I do when I have time alone. For real. I had a very minor surgical procedure a couple of weeks ago and Mr. Fantastic took the girls out for the afternoon so I could rest. I did effing laundry. I'm in need of therapy. OH WAIT... laundry IS my therapy. LMAO

    We're taking the Lovlies to Disneyland this weekend. My aunt kinda freaked when I told her we're going to be at the park ON Easter Sunday. I guess we're heathons and going to hell. At least I'll have enjoyed a day at the "Happiest Place on Earth" before spending all eternity roasting in Hades.

  3. Spring Break is bizarre and weird. Which means this Summer - since I'm officially NOT going back to camp - will also be very bizarre and weird. I think I'll be able to handle it.

    Plus, T-Boxes at the pool with you, right? :)

  4. That part in the freakin' BOOK scared me so much I cover my eyes whenever that scene starts. But anyway. DH took the kids to visit grandparents for a weekend and I spent 12 hours sitting on the couch, eating cake, watching bad TV, and feeling sorry for myself. Then I went to sleep and went to work. So hey, at least 55% of your free time was productive. Apparently I can't get anything done unless I'm sleep deprived AND hounded by three small children. Who knew.

  5. I feel ya. My brood all went camping a few weekends ago - gone 27 hrs. I went to the grocery store and did laundry. And watched Splendor in the Grass, which prompted me to cut my hair this week (LOVE the new 'do). Then I watched some 48 hrs or dateline or something that was about a burglar guy and was then scared to leave the windows open at night, and coaxed the 65# dog into our room to "guard" me. Nice. They left at noon and I was lonely by 4 pm. Just isn't right when the house is quiet during non-school/work hours. :)

  6. I got slapped with that same sandwich all the way down 95. I think she saved the best for you. And hey, you forgot to tell them about how I spit in your food and then threw boiled egg at you by accident. Do you miss us yet?!

  7. I once spent a week completely alone-I was radioactive for the week. (No REALLY) I was treating for thyroid cancer, and they give you a radioactive pill, then send you home for a week. No one could be around me for a week. And anything I touched would have to be either washed or thrown away if it wasn't in plastic. I was B O R E D!!!!! (May I never have to do that again!)

  8. gotta say that I don't understand this one so much... of course I only have one kiddo who goes to her dad's after school two days a week until 8pm and then every other weekend as well.. and my dh is a truck driver and is lucky to be home weekends.. so in theory I get a LOT of time alone.. unfortunately my sister and her kids tend to monopolize a lot of that time... so when I get 5 hours alone (like yesterday) I enjoyed every minute sitting in the sunshine and read an entire book straight... I cherish those moments..

    and especially when I get a longer period of time w/ out my dd, like when she's off at camp in the summer for 4 days, I do my best to make sure sis and kids leave me the heck alone and I basically read, watch movies, and eat junk food the entire time and enjoy every minute! LOL

  9. Yep. Hubby brought DD on a business trip with him, and what did I do on my "day off?" Scrubbed the kitchen and did laundry. Right with you, there.

  10. I'm trying to figure out how to tactfully ask dh to pull his head out and take the boys (youngest is now 19 months, and he has yet to take the 2 anywhere by himself) out for the day so I can do some crap around here. I know though that he's have to take all the computers and ipods or I'd find a way to be so unproductive it would be a waste. I yearn for some solo time but also know that it would be awful at the same time.

  11. Whenever I get alone time, I eat, surf the internet, or clean. If I'm feeling crazy, I do all three at once. Whoo!

  12. That is awesome. I think if I had that much alone time, a lot of it would have reflected yours. :)

  13. Love this! Love that Team America Movie especially the "ronrey" song! And for TifsSEA up there... we once went to Disney at Easter, and my parents actually found out that Disney (at least at that time in the late 80s) held services (all different denominations) in the movie theaters on Pleasure Island... so they made sure we went to church at the movies first!!!

    Oh, and Kate... my dad gives up beer every Lent, but he somehow has convinced himself it is ok to drink whiskey the whole time. So go hit the hard stuff!!!

  14. I am tired. All the time. When my kids are gone, what do I do? SLEEP. I am *such* a loser.

  15. ohmyMAUDE! I laugh my ass off every time I see that Kim Jong Il song! I especially love the Hummels case!

    This should be a cautionary tale for Lydia: *NEVER* leave Kate alone again. She will end up as the neighborhood cat lady, standing at the end of her driveway in fuzzy slippers, a muu muu, and a threadbare, plaid flannel shirt.
    There she stands, a Lucky Strike hanging precariously from the corner of her mouth, a bottle of Jack wedged under one arm, and an open can of tuna held out in her hand as she coos in her Suzanne Pleshette voice: heeeeere kitty-kitty-kitty.
    Just tuck her into your purse. No one will ever know. And think of how much more fun you would have!

  16. Sounds like me when my kids are gone - I have no idea what to do with myself. The house is too quiet. I start trying to dress the dog. It's pathetic...

  17. Oh my god this made me laugh my ass off. I'm crying now.




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