I live in non-marital bliss with my partner of eight really, really long years. We have two super loud, messy and awesome kids, DD age 6, and DS age 2. And, because everyone asks, they call me Mommy and my partner Momma, and no they don’t get confused, and yes they WILL correct you if you call us the wrong name. I am the work outside the home mom, and my partner is the stay at home/home schoolin’ mom (yeah it’s pretty rock star). We’re Midwestern transplants living so far south in a southern state that we have to drive north to find rednecks. We’re former foster parents and we hope to get back to doing that again, because it’s our dream to have enough kids to fill up that Dodge Sprinter van we’ve always wanted. And now we present, the Domestic Enemies of the Gay Mom(s):
Who’s Yer daddy?
There’s an amazing amount of shameless busybodies who, once they realize that my partner and I are both called Mom by our children, immediately begin questioning HOW our children were conceived (none of their business), and WHO the participants were (really none of their business). [See also: Which one of you is the mom? No, I mean which one of you is the REAL mom? Which one of you HAD the baby??] And then there’s the Daddy questions. “Who is he?” they ask with one eyebrow raised, while scrutinizing the kids’ faces 'cause maybe they recognize that nose from somewhere.
[Editor's Note: Can we establish for the record that its not good manners to suggest that someone's child isn't really their kid or to start getting up in somebody's junk about if/why/did fertility treatment play a role? - xo, Lydia & Kate] When our daughter was a baby we had fun with these questions (and when we were foster parents of babies of different races we really had fun with them). But there comes a time when our little big-eared darlings don’t need to hear me tell the IHOP waitress that we had the tests done, but we’re waiting for our Maury Povich taping next week to hear the results.
So please, don’t make me pull out that line again until all of the children are at least 12 and I can enjoy the inevitable mortification it would cause, because I am already forced to have the weekly awkward conversation where I interpret whatever strange story Dear Daughter has decided to divulge during Sunday School without adding THAT to the mix.
Das Authorityski
If you’ve ever had your authority as a parent questioned by anyone, it is an express train ride to The Rage. And if your kids are present when it happens, it’s kicked up a few notches to Hungry Mama Bear on a Bad Spring Day.
But it is a common occurrence for at least one half of our parenting team. Only one of us is allowed to be listed on the birth certificate because it would cause some pin-headed bureaucrat's head to explode if we crossed out Father and put Parent on the form (see Forms below). Which leaves one of us with all of the parental legal authority as a 15 year old babysitter, but with less pay.
Enter here our well paid and friendly attorney, who drafts reams of legal documents that no one understands (not even me, and I’m an attorney), giving the Non-Legal Parent "approximate parental rights". This is all fine and good, but those rights only exist on paper and our diaper bag does not have a waterproof compartment large enough to carry the equivalent of Shakespeare’s complete works unabridged.
 |
| The TSA is awesome. Everyone knows that. |
The ticketing agent stands up straighter and with glee in her eye says ”Oh, so you’re not really his parent?” Minutes later Non-Legal Parent is given a matching pair of pretty silver bracelets and taken into a secluded backroom for some some 'enhanced' questioning about her attempts to take a minor across state lines. (Okay, that last sentence isn’t true, but try talking yourself out of that situation in a way that doesn’t make you sound like a bungling kidnapper).
The Freaking Forms
I touched on this a bit in the prior section, but every mother-lovin' form in existence helpfully has information lines for a Mother and a Father, and Maude help you if you cross out the words that were printed on the page and insert a generic Parent #1 and Parent #2.
Want to have fun the next time you are filling out papers at a new doctor’s office/school/hospital/job? Where it says Marital Status and has boxes for Married, Widowed, Divorced, Never Married ... draw your own box at the bottom and write None of the Above. See how that works out for you.
Or, failing that, just put a big smear of peanut butter across that part. Marital Status? We're just Skippy, thanks...
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
Re Marital Status, you can always borrow from Facebook: "It's Complicated." :-)
ReplyDeleteLove. Love. Love this. I am an adult, and in my teens my mom came out and my parents divorced. So I never had to deal with the embarrasing and completely inappropriate questions from friends and stangers. However, now that I have a child of my own, I have watched people struggle to understand that my son has 2 grammys. Same questions, which one is the real gramma? Um, pretty sure they both love him to peices and would step into oncoming traffic for him, so I would say they are both his grammys. We are headed in the right direction as a society, I see more tolerance now, than I did 10 years ago. It is our job as parents to teach and show our children that people can live anyway they like and that chances are someone elses lifestyle which might be different than yours is NOT hurting anyone else. Lets let people live and be who they are and stop asking questions that are none of our business. Great post.
ReplyDeleteAsking WHO the daddy is or HOW they were conceived? Really? Do I ask my straight friends HOW their kids were conceived? 'was it in the bedroom or the living room? The van?' People need to stop being morons.
ReplyDeleteThis one is a toughy for me. I am completely against same sex marriage, relationships, the whole idea of it. I'm a strong Christian and fully believe that it is wrong. It is absolutely a choice, a conscious decision, not an "I was born this way" thing. And this confusion is one of the reasons homosexuality is so dangerous.
ReplyDeleteBut before anyone attacks me, let me say this: judging the people involved is just as wrong. So yes. If you're gay and involved and have children and someone insults you, please. Hit them right square in the face with the messiest sandwich you can find. Or square up and kick them in the most painful place they have. They deserve it.
In my world, everyone who knows me knows my beliefs and views and opinions. I have gay friends, I have gay friends in committed relationships who children. I have trans-gender friends in relationships where both partners have children. I may not agree with your decisions, but I will still love you and love your children and pray for you as fervently as I pray for all my other friends. I will not shut you out and I will not insult you or judge you, and I most certainly will not question the DNA of your children. Rock on. The world needs more love, not judgement.
If someone asks how they were conceived just look them dead in the face and say "I'm pretty sure you're old enough to have had that conversation with your parents"... that should shut their beaks up for just long enough to get away! or do as my friend always did (LOVE this girl) "I blame the flying monkeys... horny buggers!"
ReplyDeleteOMG, so awesome! And the forms!! I can't remember for sure where/what it was, but I *THINK* there was something I filled out post birth for my youngest that I saw generic Parent #1, Parent #2 information asked... so you know, there might be hope! Of course, this was also in upstate New York, about as un-south as you can get, so you just might be screwed unless you move to San Fransisco.
ReplyDeleteRight there with you in non-legal status. I'm a custodial stepmom (at least I get a title society understands) I stay at home, shuttle the kids everywhere, help with homework, go to the doctor, and am otherwise involved in EVERYTHING. I'm the one parent who can keep all the details in the brain. But time and again folks will refuse to talk to me because I'm not legal. My hubby has to field the call, come to me for an interpretation, go back to the person with the full details and then report back again. I wish there was a way to get a parenting license to get around these complications.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say how much I freaking love this blog today? Great stuff ladies, and thank you Dana for sharing a slice of your life.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit I had my tremidations when my son would request play dates with his friend, who just so happens to have gay parents. But you know, I figured life's just to darn short to hold your child back by holding any sort of prejudice or preconceived notions in your heart. Kids don't come here knowing hatred and I don't intend to help teach them that. I am very proud knowing so many committed and loving families headed by two people of the same sex. They are just as giving, kind and upstanding as anyone.
Again, thumbs up on this post! And the graphics today are killer!
As a woman who had to make clever excuses for many years as to why we didn't have kids yet, I'd like to think I understand a little just how invasive peoples questions can be. We weren't waiting on purpose. It was excruciating at times and the nosey questioning didn't help. Once at a family wedding a distant relative asked what we were waiting on and my husband answer ,"she's got a dead uterus". I was horrified but she didn't miss a beat. She began to share about her uterine health with us which was way too much information. By the way my uterus is just fine and always was. I told him next time he was going for shock effect let's pick one of his organs to defile. The moral of the story is people in fact are just rude. I'm sorry you guys face that problem. It sounds like it's for good reason. Isn't that little one worth the wait and any rude comment ever made?
ReplyDeleteFabulous post! Love the peanut butter line: born on the 17th of Jif. hehehe
ReplyDeleteThere are few things less bigoted than saying "but I have gay/black/insert minority here friends". Lest you think pennybroom that you aren't know that this argument is used by many a well intended "friend". You are no friend to any of your gay acquaintances.
ReplyDeleteThis "confusion" is the result of bigoted and old school views that adults can't get rid of. Imagine the beauty in the world when all the kids of us gays grow up and change these outdated institutions and challenge olds like you to reevaluate.
By the way. Where is your scientific proof being gay is a choice. Do you know what it feels like to be gay? When did you choose o be straight? And why on earth could you not go without the diatribe on gay rights on this particular post? You had some great things to say but lose all respect at the point at which you call me a mistake.
great article. As a gay mum I get asked all the time about this. Most times Im happy to tell them cause I usually round it off by saying how much we are legally (and politically) disadvantaged. If I think they are being rude then I end up asking them about which position did they concieve their child with???
ReplyDeleteWe are in sydney NSW and where lucky enough to see changes in the department of births, deaths and marriges when our boy was only 3 months old. Gay mum's who have had doner children, where both mums agreed to the insemination are allowed to go on the birth certificate. So if you look at his birth certificate now, anyone who doesn't know us can not tell which one was the birth mum!
P.S. We get called Mummy and Mamita (spanish for mummy!)
My friend has a world beating 'not the real parent' experience. She had her second child using a donor and her mother doesn't consider the little boy a 'real' grandchild. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteLove this, K!
ReplyDeletequote: "This "confusion" is the result of bigoted and old school views that adults can't get rid of. Imagine the beauty in the world when all the kids of us gays grow up and change these outdated institutions and challenge olds like you to reevaluate."
Just imagine!
to me "completely against the whole idea of it" makes your argument of "love" invalid. I am a strong Christian and if you were too, you would have investigated with every core of your being the 5 or so passages in the Bible that mention the act of prostituting young men...not two people in a loving relationship.
ReplyDeleteWe appreciate your whole "I have gay friends" bit, but in case you don't know that is a tell-tell sign of someone trying to overcompensate for their views. There is no need to add that part. It weakens your conviction.
Penny says: "I am completely against same sex marriage, relationships, the whole idea of it. I'm a strong Christian and fully believe that it is wrong. It is absolutely a choice, a conscious decision, not an "I was born this way" thing. And this confusion is one of the reasons homosexuality is so dangerous."
@PennyBroome, Your comments usually make me laugh, but this one made me mad. How can you say that homosexuality is absolutely not a choice, and call it "so dangerous", and then in the next sentence say you are not judgmental? I don't buy it. If you were not judging people, you would not have posted your comment. And how does being a Christian have anything to do with it? I "have lots of Christian friends" who are completely accepting of homosexual, bisexual, transgender, and otherwise queer people. I thought Christianity promoted acceptance of all kinds of people? Maybe not, I don't know, I'm not Christian. I guess I'm glad that you are outwardly nice to gay people you know.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a total bummer that Penny had to "go there" with her personal opinion. It's not that you aren't entitled to have it, Penny...but for people struggling EVERY.SINGLE.DAY with their demons, why would you chose to throw the "it's a decision...a conscious choice" card in the face of the readers here? Sexuality is a continuum in *my* opinion. And furthermore, why would anyone CHOOSE to live a lifestyle so many people (like you) are certain is wrong? And the best question...which was already asked of you...when did YOU choose to be straight?!
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you, girlfriend. I am a 39 year old, married woman. I have lived in a state of confusion for almost 20 years. You tell me how that's a choice?! Also, I am Jewish, so the Christian principles don't fly in my world.
The post by Kate and Lydia today was awesome. It broaches a subject that is well worth discussing. I think it's nice and sweet that you have so many gay and transgender friends. I bet they wish you would spend less time praying fervently for them and a whole lot more praying for people being murdered, tortured and abused on this planet. Just sayin...
I find the whole notion of "real" parents pretty offensive. Real versus what exactly? While I'm appalled at some people's gall to actually question this, I'm also not surprised. People can be such assholes, unfortunately. My experience with this comes from my mother being adopted, and I can't recall a single moment when anyone considered the lack of biology to have any impact on our being a family. My grandparents, aunts, and cousins will always be my family. Period. As far as I'm concerned, love is what makes a family, not biology. Too bad you can't fill that out on a form!
ReplyDeleteDana, you are flipping brilliant. I could read 5 more "Enemies of the Gay Mom" and still want more! As a queer Mama with a male partner, I never have to face the baloney that you deal with on a daily basis. But having experienced extreme prejudice during past relationships from those who think being gay is a choice (cause it's sooooo awesome to be constantly pooped on by the government) and by people who think homosexuality is dangerous (which it is - for the LGBT people who have to deal with bigots), and also with the built in societal homophobia (of which you mention several kinds in your post), I have a lot of empathy for the shit gay people go through just trying to parent their children. You express your frustration with such humor and accessibility, I really would love to read more of your blogs. Thank you so much for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteWren
@Anonymous (with the "fake" grandchild): That's terrible. I don't know how any grandparent could walk away from the joy that a grandchild brings, however it is that they arrive. My kids are lucky that they have grandparents and adopted grandparents and aunts and uncles and even old neighbors from years past that just love them to pieces. It never makes up for the fact that my own parents choose not to participate in their lives, but it underscores where the values of our chosen family lie: in love and family, and not in judgment and self-righteous indignation. In at least one way I think gay families are lucky, we are freed from the idea that a family is built on biology and we can accept all of these people for what they choose to offer.
ReplyDelete@everyone else: Thanks for the supportive comments, I'll be sending you all the cookies and cash I promised in our various agreements.
Great story! Made me smile :) I'm a 28yr old child of TWO SETS of gay parents. yep thats right. my parents married each other because they were best friends, it was the early 80s and they went to a nazarene college. so anything else wasn't in their radar. but then when i was in 5th grade they divorced and both came out to me and my younger brother that same year. so we get LOTS of "how the how" questions. so my children have a set of Grandmas that are married and Grandpas that are married. We are the Modern Family and I couldn't be prouder! At poster identified as "K" thanks for the reply post to "Pennybroom" can't wait until that generation is either long gone or "sees the light" lol. not trying to be a smart ass, but seriously "I have plenty of Gay friends" Rigggght. Yah Plenty of gay friends that talk about you behind your back as "That lady with the token Gay friends" Ps-My husband is black. HAHA. but seriously, he is ;)
ReplyDelete@PennyBroome- thank you for your post, even though everyone here scathes you. Sometimes you have to be persecuted for what you believe. Its funny how it's perfectly acceptable to state your beliefs if they're on one side of the issue, but you're a bigot if you stand on the other...
ReplyDeletePlenty of gays know all about being "persecuted" for what they believe...or rather...who they LOVE. Of course it's perfectly acceptable to state your beliefs, but was it NECESSARY in regards to this particular post? Or was it like adding fuel to the fire? I am quite sure that Penny knew her remarks would not be well taken. For me, it was the definitive "it's a CHOICE" bullshit that really got me. WHUCK!??!!
ReplyDeleteWe're asking that we all please move on from responding to Penny's comment. There have been several responses already, including one from Dana herself. Let's focus on the content of Dana's awesome post! We'd very much appreciate it. Please rock on with your bad selves.
ReplyDeletexo, Lydia
Love this post! There's a family down the street from us: two moms live in the front part of the house, two dads in the back, each mom gestated one of the two kids, no idea which dad contributed, but I can't get it out of my head what a fab way to live this is! Two kids, four parents; imagine doing this in your own life. Kate and Lydia, you two could live together, raising all six kids (and if you'd planned ahead, could have just had three between you), while Cap'n and McLovin live in their man-cave and are there for conjugal visits and all the dad-stuff. Then Lydia and Cap'n could go off for a weekend alone, while Kate and McLovin watch the kids, and have their turn the next weekend. Sounds like paradise. Just sayin...
ReplyDeleteThank you Dana! This has opened a world of thought for me today and I truly enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteIt is highly likely that I was born in the same town you currently reside in and most of my family is still there. My grandparents were extremely racist/prejudice people. My parents where a little more open-minded but still had some of those tendencies. In turn, I am even more open-minded but from time to time I feel like I have to remind myself to be that way and to not judge others.
I want nothing more than for my children to grow up being accepting, loving people and to do their part in driving the evil out of this world. This was a wonderful reminder that that starts with me. If I want their hearts to be open then I need to make sure mine stays open.
Thanks again!
Yep- People are so freakin nosey. My son is Vietnamese- not that that is any of your freakin business!-lol. Um, yeah, actually the story makes no sense w/o that info. People usually ask me "what he is"- it's some weird human need to categorize. I usually just tell them since I know they don't mean anything by it, not it this lily white bend over backwards so hard it hurts liberal town. I have toyed with the idea of asking them what they are, but it isn't worth it. Anyway, I live in Wa state, where you actually can have 2 chicks on a birth certificate- one has to adopt the child, or in my case, re-adopt so that the post adoption birth cert has 2 chicks on it. But, when we broke up, and were fighting over custody they kept trying to put my name in the daddy spot on those forms, because I worked outside the home.I just kept crossing it out, and putting in "Mother". Side note- my ex's sister is also half of a lesbian parenting team, and their daughter calls them "Honey mama", and "Sweetie mama" because that is what she heard them call each other. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww, she's so cute. My sweet son doesn't differentiate- he's too literal for that. So, he frustrates the heck outta himself when talking to either one of us on the phone, cuz nobody knows who he is talking to but him. So, I'll assume he's talking to the ex when he is talking to me, she always assumes he is talking to her, cuz she has the manners of a goat- and in case y'all are wondering about the true nature of the solar system- the whole world apparently revolves around her. Anyway, poor kid spends half his time saying no, not you! (followed by frustrated noise...) I'm talking Niki.
ReplyDeleteThat family down the street really does seem to have the perfect setup.
ReplyDeleteMore tales- my son attended the nearby public school that had in his grade alone 3 kids with lesbian parents. So, that little group of kindergartners is now a pack of middle school kids that see nothing wrong with whatever is up with other people's families. Really, all they wanna know is what's in the fridge, and can they play Halo. But when my son brought his best friend home in first grade, I heard him telling his friend that he has 4 mom's (me, my current, my ex, and his birth mom) the friends mom said "well isn't that nice". A few years later, the same best friend was over, and was telling a story where he said "he's so gay" then he got all flustered, and said "not in a bad way, he actually is gay." -lol, gotta love 'em, they find a way to make the world a better place without even trying- if we don't jump in there and poison them.
My partner and I are currently expecting our first, I'm carrying and about halfway done baking the bun in my oven, so I'm just starting to get some of the "So... how did THIS happen?" questions. My standard answer is to look at them like their dumb and say "well, if you don't know by now I'm not going to be the one to break the news..." I'm glad we live in Chicago where there are tons of 2 mommy playgroups and 2nd parent adoption. We were thinking of moving back to Florida (where we left in 2008) but I don't think we can give up the great tolerance we have gotten to go back to the small minded South (I can say that, I grew up in South Carolina, lol).
ReplyDeletePS- we're Christian too. Actually, DP is a pastor. Yep. In the Lutheran church. Totally Christian.
That is awesome! Congrats on your upcoming baby - and I'm always thrilled to see gay Christians (or Christian gays?). God called us to love all people, not those that fit into a mold.
DeleteGreat post, Dana! Thanks for being so honest and telling it like it is. (That's the rule in Mommyland, right K&L?) Also, when people ask you about the father of your kid can you PLEASE say, 'Omigod! We just found out it's DARTH VADAR!"
ReplyDeletexo
GL
Gah. Gotta love forms and the people who defend them against all comers. I used to push paper for a living, and living where I do (Vancouver, BC), we tried to be all-inclusive when we did forms. Some things are easier than others, though - we just went with 'parent/guardian 1 and parent/guardian 2' most of the time.
ReplyDeleteOn the who's your daddy thing - such a pity that most folks wouldn't 'get' it if you said "It was a swan...weirdest damn thing that ever happened to me..." (or a bull, whichever). But if you say an angel breathed in your ear you'd probably offend someone...or maybe they wouldn't get that either. So, yeah, I'd have to say I'd probably go with the Darth Vader answer, if it were me ;>
I love your whole post. I live in S Fl ("the Melting Pot"-of what? schmidt and mangos?) and people still suck about asking inappropriate questions. GAH! OH and the FREAKING FORMS!! I love when they ask me to list all the siblings of my kids. I have 2 ex husbands, and 2 kids with each. Both are remarried and have other kids now as well: steps, halfs, etc, totaling 10 kids. So roughly each child of mine has 6 siblings. How would you like me to explain this for you on 2 tiny lines on your horribly reproduced form from 1951? And the 1st ex has a son 2 months older than mine. So we will be intersecting soon at events-sports, etc and I can't wait for this convo from my girls: "Thats my brother. Thats my brother too. No, they aren't brothers. They have their own brothers. Brother A has those 3 siblings over there, and Brother B has those other there. None of them are related. No, that baby is Brother B's Dad's, so its not my brother either..." GAH!!! Keep writing for us!! Love, Mommy of way too many kids...
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Dana! I can personally relate and it is very refreshing to know there are so many people who support our 'lifestyle'.. which is really no different than any other persons. ;)
ReplyDeletep.s. I have had two babies for my Gay friends (as their surrogate) and they were able to have both Daddies' names on the birth certificate. Of course, we had to deliver the babies in California to do this, but maybe some day other states will follow. suit
@Kirstie: Totally. Using. The. Swan. That is brilliant.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous in S. FL: We used a donor to conceive one of our children and we're in contact with a vast web of donor siblings. Since they all came from the same spawn they are technically all half brothers/sisters. I'm finding myself grateful that we are separated by a lot of distance for reasons similar to the soccer scenario you describe. (p.s. we're neighbors, and the only thing melting here is the skin off my face from April-October).
My babysitter is the child of gay parents who came out after having 4 kids together (Mom came out first & initiated the divorce, then Dad came out a few years later). She is one of the best people I've ever known, and her family is one of the kindest, most loving group of people I've ever seen. While I don't envy her the inevitable NUNYA DAMN BUSINESS! questions, I certainly envy the closeness of her family. Her mom & dad are still the best of friends and their children are incredible people. I grew up with kids of "perfect parents" (who just happened to be straight) and many of them ended up being thieves, drug dealers, strippers, etc. All I can say about the Judgy McJudgersons that you must encounter is, "Judge not, lest ye be judged."
ReplyDeleteMan, and here I was all annoyed because the preschool forms said "Primary parent (Mother) - Secondary Parent (Father)" As if their father is somehow less of a parent than me.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine the frustration. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
I totally and completely feel ya Dana! We are parenting my partner's 5 (yes, 5) kids, and to boot doing it in rural Wisconsin. I'm not only the "other" mom I am actually the "step-mom"...try explaining that to Mildred at the middle school when Mommy isn't available to come pick the sick kid up from school...sigh.
ReplyDeleteand yes, the ream of paperwork we need to clarify my existence in their lives is ridiculous!!
But there are always the goats and chickens and pigs to complain to! LOL. How's that for a new Domestic Enemy? The Domestic Enemies of Gay Rural Moms!!
Dana, you rock. Just sayin'. Keep rockin' on. I feel the pain of your forms too, and it is never fun. I'm now divorced from my ex(trans) husband and remarried, but have been through the wringer too. Before my ex's transition we started out as a couple of gay chicks, and thinking about kids and all the questions and paperwork (not to mention how to, um, conceive those wonderful blessings) gave us a migraine. Then when my ex transitioned, the questions became even MORE confusing and I wanted to slap even MORE people after my son was born (and oh the conception questions...don't even get me started). I found that filling in the paperwork however it suited us worked the best...no alterations needed. Sneaky? Maybe, but what else are we supposed to do? Both of us were equal parents, and both of us needed to have equal rights should something happen to the other one of us. I have never understood the concept of primary and secondary parents as Lindsay said above - WE ARE BOTH EQUAL PARENTS!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm proud to know there are others in the same place frustrated with all of this...oh even yesser. At least we're all in it together. I'm planning on going into family law eventually to help out all of the frustrated LGBT parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, etc. It's time to cut through the madness of paperwork and "But which one of you is the LEGAL parent????" questions and find some solid solutions for these families. I'm doing it for mine right now but hopefully when I get my JD I can go on to help other families too. Props to all of you fighting for your rights out there, you are an inspiration to me every day.