Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Domestic Enemies of the MULTIPLES Mom

Holy crap. Every time we think about twins, Lydia and I are all, "I don't think my uterus is zoned for this..." But that's just the beginning. Then there's the birthing part, and the actually having to parent them. THEM. One of Kate's awesome friends has identical twins and when one of them misses the other one, she just puts the lonely twin in front of the mirror. It's sorta the same thing, right? Because Maude knows, Kate can spend all afternoon in front of a mirror and she's not even missing anyone. 

May we present Sara, whose uterus - apparently - was zoned for this. Here's what you should know about her:

"I am a mom to 4 kids (ages 8, 6, 6, 5), which obviously includes the wondertwins that inspired this rant. I am a SAHM in the Midwest (St. Louis to be exact), I drive a MASSIVELY dented mini-van that carries the lingering smell of chocolate cheese (the product of a spilled McDonald’s drink that has aged in my floor mats), I am addicted to reality shows on MTV which target a substantially younger audience, I am a life-long lover (as in obsessed, not an actual sexual partner) of Bon Jovi, I grew up in Hawaii…and I am every woman you describe in your posts, which is why I am your biggest, hugest, most scary-spice kind of fan."

And you can read more from her at: www.thedenckhoffs.blogspot.com

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Here are some of the domestic enemies of moms with mulitples...

People who failed health class: About 6 years ago, I gave birth to a very blond German boy and a dark haired, VERY Asian girl.  They happen to be twins, whose DNA traveled many moons and continents to find my very uterus, and produce two extremely different infants.   And while they looked like the baby version of the bad guys in World War II [Editor's Note: Best. Line. Ever. - Kate] they were also, very obviously MALE and FEMALE.  And yet, we heard the same question over and over. And over. And OVER.

“Are they identical?”

The only appropriate response is an impromptu lesson on the differences between a PENIS and a VAGINA.  With drawings.  Seriously, people NEED to know this stuff and I am on a mission from God to teach it. 

Stuff: Stuff is a problem for any family with kids, but households with twins must have two of EVERYTHING.  All the mur.thur.furking. time or someone (me) will explode, I think.  Cribs and bouncy seats and high chairs and swings and those damn exer-saucers that require entirely new storage *wings* be added to the house.    It’s okay, though.  The babies don’t need a college education so much as they require those horrific, matching shoes with an obnoxious cartoon character on them.   In a shocking twist of fate, I am ABSOLUTELY positive that I am going to die in an avalanche of the very Elmo-themed items that have ruined my house and my sanity.   All that’s left for him to take is my actual living, breathing soul.  

Grocery Stores: So.  Grocery stores kind of suck in general for anyone with kids, but they present a *slightly* larger dilemma for those of us raising twins.  I have YET to find a way to put two babies in a shopping cart that does not rely upon toilet paper as a padded wedge upon which your infant’s safety depends.  And I ABSOLUTELY REFUSED to wait until my husband was home to make my way to the grocery store, because if I was given that kind of freedom, it was going to involve a t-box, an episode of The Real World and a tub of ice cream. 

Instead, I opted to:  stack twin #1 in the grocery cart, with twin #2 strapped on in the Baby Bjorn…all while verbally screaming my then 2-year-old through the aisles of the store where Dora-the-marketing-slut peddles everything from fruit snacks to shampoo.   All done with my head down to avoid eye contact with anyone who wanted to know if my babies were twins, identical (enter soft porn drawings) or wanting to touch their hands/cheeks/tongues with every germ in the known universe.  

This plan worked less-than-moderately-well, until, SURPRISE!, Baby #4 was born when the twins were 16-months old and NOT walking.  Grocery store revision:  twins in double stroller, #4 in the Bjorn, verbally scream my now 3-year-old through every aisle of Dora’s voo-doo magic while shoving canned goods and meat products in every. square. inch.  of that stroller. All the while wielding a butcher knife to cut the bitch who even dared to give me the “Better you than me” comment.  What part of you thinks I am better equipped to go without a shower for days and wipe an ass every 43 seconds, jack-hole?

School: I suck at teaching one child the ridiculously complicated, phonetic language.  So that makes me a Super-sized value meal of suckage when it comes to the homework involved with TWO kindergartners.   Also, there is math, which apparently, they teach in 136 different formats these days.  WHUCK was wrong with simply learning to carry the “1” in addition?  Must we use a system of tally marks and coin counting that is SO sophisticated, even the military can’t decipher it????

And it doesn’t end with double the homework.  There is the volunteering at school, which, by some AMAZING law of quantum physics and the space time continuum, actually requires more time than if I just home schooled them on my own, particularly if they are in different classes.  There’s the play dates and social management that is overwhelming (just kidding, we don’t really do play dates as I like to remind my twins that I *made* them their very own, genetically compatible friend).  And then there’s Valentine’s Day—also known as the day in which mom addresses 25 valentines. Twice.

Pools: Never is the art of having to manage 2 babies at the EXACT SAME TIME so perilous, as when a large, chlorinated body of water is involved.  For the better part of 4 years, our time at the pool was also counter-balanced with a jail sentence in a wet, fungal locker room—as one of the twins (or their younger brother) was constantly soiling their swim diaper and requiring the skill of a Jedi to change said diaper, while making sure none of the 4 children mopped the floors with their stomachs or tongues.  I was rarely successful, but as a bonus, our kids have been vaccinated with a live strain of Ebola.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

102 comments:

  1. My BIGGEST and frequently recurring nightmare while pregnant (both freaking times!) was that it would be triplets. Surprise! GAAAAAH! It's so awesome you're still alive (and at least marginally sane, judged by your retaining the ability to form a complete sentence and not having smothered your children) through it all :-)

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  2. Twins run in my family, and before I had children, I thought, "Oh, wouldn't that be fun!?". Then I had a baby who refused to sleep for the first year and a half. When I got pregnant a second time, I was worried and then relieved to see just one sweet babe on the ultrasound. I thank God repeatedly that He, in His infinite wisdom and mercy never gave me two at once, because I am not enough woman to handle it, I don't think. Crazy, mad props to you for pulling it off!

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  3. You are HILARIOUS. I especially loved the imagery you created of your grocery store trips. When my kids were tiny I also found the best way to shop was by shoving groceries into every freakin' crevasse of my double stroller. Then you look like a crazy, sleep-deprived, non-showered shoplifter when a can of garbanzo beans rolls out of your sun canopy and slams on the floor as you pass by the security guard on your way out. WINNING!

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  4. Mine aren't twins - they are 4 months apart - but I can soooo relate. My favorite was coming out of anywhere into a rain storm with the double stroller. You have no choice but to get soaked while you unstrap one kid to strap them into a car seat while you leave kid #2 sitting in the rain. And don't even think about leaving kid #1 unstrapped until you can grab kid #2 because they will run away and hide in the minivan where you can't maneuver your rain soaked body. Then they turn 13 and it's a whole different story!

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  5. I hear you! I too avoid all eye contact in public. Yes, they're twins, No they're not identical....

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  6. Pools - I just don't even go there. I can't even imagine that nightmare. But the grocery store? My twins are 3 now and I still avoid taking them. When they were babies it was impossible. I remember discovering that Costco had strollers with two seats at the top when they were about 1, best thing ever! And my twins only kind of look alike. I always want to tell people who ask if they're identical to look closer. Different hair, different eyes, different heights. Okay yes, they're both girls.

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  7. That was so funny! Love it.

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  8. You're my hero. I'm a twin, and I have NO IDEA how my mom did it. I've got Irish twins (surprise!)and I can totally relate to the pool-locker room-concrete floor covered in e-coli thing.

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  9. love this post! I don't have twins, but I do have 4 kids, with the youngest 3 having been born in consective years! Thankfully, where I do my grocery shopping the carts have 2 chid seats and room to fit an infant carseat in the cart will food all around them!

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  10. 4 year old twin boys here and can relate to it all! The question that drives me bonkers the most is, "Do twins run in your family?" I've been known to say, "Yes....I drop eggs like the Easter Bunny."

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  11. I feel your pain. My first was 19 months when my Identical twins arrived and then the girls were 27m when #4 was born. A little more spaced then yours but just in time for the older child to be firmly into climbing up the walls terrible two stage when the new baby or babies arrived. ARGH!!! Don't worry, it goes both ways with the Identical thing. I'd dress my girls in matching pink and purple dresses and have people come up to be asking "Identical twins? Are they a boy and a girl?" Yes you goober, the pink one is transgendered. WHUCK? Oh and can someone PLEASE set up a trust fund for parents of multiples to save a quarter for every time someone says "boy you have your hands full". We need it. Great Post!

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  12. 7 week old SCREAMY boy/girl (non-identical!) twins here. and a 4 year old who was the princess until said twins showed up. and a 14 & 15 year old. this will be a miracle if i emerge alive.

    my "favorite" question is..."are they twins?". my favorite time it was asked was at the hospital when they were 2 weeks old. BY A DOCTOR. no, lady, life isn't crazy enough with one newborn...i figured i'd borrow someone else's to make the 2 hour trek up here! gah.

    i don't have to avoid eye contact yet. because i don't go out in public. because they are screamy. and i'm nursing. and who the heck has time, anyway? (you're welcome for not subjecting you to my screamy non-identical twins.)

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  13. So funny! But I have to tell you, you get the same moronic comments when the total number of children exceeds the total number of parental hands as well. Plus as an extra added bonus, we get the not so subtle "whispers", head shakes, and if we venture into the South, the obligatory, "Bless your hearts." which while it sounds innocuous, is really a derogatory comment wrapped in Southern Splendor.
    Yes, they are all ours. Yes, 4 boys and 1 girl. Nope, no twins. They are all 2 years apart. Yes, they all start with "R". Yes, we know how it happens...guess what, we like it, and apparently we're pretty good at it too. :-p

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  14. She is so right. I have twins, and my biggest aggravation is people in the grocery store asking, "Oh, are they twins?" No, you dipshit, they're just the same size and look alike. One's 8 and one's 13 months. Can't you tell?

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  15. My standard answer when someone asks me if my blonde/brunette twins are identical is "Do they *look* identical?" Answering a question with a question usually stops any further questions.

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  16. Favorite quote: "Dora-the-marketing-slut"

    So true, so true...

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  17. "(just kidding, we don’t really do play dates as I like to remind my twins that I *made* them their very own, genetically compatible friend)."

    That could be the most awesome thing I have ever read.

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  18. LOL Loved this! I am also a mom of twins and have 4 kids. My twins were first, though. Oh the stupid twin questions. They never end (although you do get them less once they're a bit older) and the "better you than me" comment! I think every twin parent I know has heard that one and it makes us all want to smack the moron that said it. Also, everyone seems to think we have some magical answer to parenthood. You can't go into a store (with the kids) without someone asking you how you do this or that, get through this or that... as a parent. Hi, they're individuals, so are you, the answers will be different in every single case; it's trial and error for all of us. Sheesh. My personal fave was a cashier who asked me (as I juggled 3 kids (who are 13 months apart, plus the purchases) if the boys were "twins OR brothers?" You figure that one out LOL

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  19. You said it right!! I have triplets and dread Valentine's Day. The pool I only managed with an entourage of high school and college kids so it cost about $100 to go each time. This year I will try the pool alone since the triplets are 5. It doesn't help that one is a kamakaze at the pool. Thanks for sharing.

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  20. People are idiots!! With my eldest, miss nearly 4, I used to get asked all the time- boy or girl?- even though she was in a hot pink dress with piggy tails in her hair.
    Then there's the idiot who asked if her & a friend were twins when one's dark and ones light and ones' blonde, ones black haired.
    And I used to say with my second "If one more moron asks if her curls are natural I'm going to tell them she just had a perm!- Miss nearly 2 at 18 months.
    Hats off to all mums, especially those with multiples!!

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  21. Valentines Day cards - "easy" button - buy a stamp with the kids name on it and don't bother addressing them - also helps out with thank you notes to aunties, etc.
    In New England we have Big Y grocery stores which actually put a day care right in the store for your shopping pleasure.....

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  22. I am a mom of a 7 year old, 5 year old, and 19 month old twins. All boys. Have to love the stupid comments I receive on a daily basis. Among my favorites are: "are they NATURAL twins? Really? Is this your polite way of asking if they are IVF?
    Or "omg all boys? I feel bad for you. Are you going to try for a girl?"
    yes, all boys, and believe it or not, I will survive without a girl. And I'm pretty sure God had some plan for me here, so trying again would ultimately result in more multiplying manhood!

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  23. So funny. I can relate. I have 2 sets of twins (spontaneous) and it can be challenging.

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  24. I totally overshare all of the time. "No, they're not identical, one has a penis and testicles, one has a vulva and a vagina. See, when I got pregnant, I dropped more than one egg and was fertilized by one X and one Y from my husband, causing the girl to have XX chromosomes, and the boy to have XY chromosomes, that's why he has a penis and testicles and she has a vulva and vagina. In order for twins to be identical, they have to come from ONE egg, as opposed to my multi-egg drop." Usually sends them off muttering about the crazy lady with the twins.

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  25. Oh, and I'm with Lucia. I'd be very very wealthy if I had a penny for every "you've got your hands full" comment I get. It's my most loathed comment ever (even above "are they natural" or other such nonsense) because how the hell do you respond to that? Hate it.

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  26. Love this! I have twin four old boys. And when asked if they are identical, when I reply "yes", EVERY TIME they respond with "oh I can tell them apart!" When I say "no" EVERY TIME they say, "oh they look identical to me." YOU CAN'T WIN!

    V-day hint, pre-printed labels with their names on it. Thankfully, we haven't been required to put the recipient's name on the cards.

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  27. I have 5 month old twins and a toddler and if one more person says"haven't you got your hands full", I'm going to punch them!
    Love the blog btw

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  28. LOVE!! I have a 9 yr old boy, a 4.5 yr old girl, and 2 yr old boy/girl twins. I Just *adore* the comments we get!!

    "Are they all yours?" No, I like to live dangerously by renting a few extra kids to take grocery shopping.

    "Are those twins?" Yes, that's the reason I have them in a double stroller.

    "Are they identical?" Note the shorter hair, the devilish glint in the big blue eyes, the blue striped shirt and the bluejean overalls...and compare them to the longer hair in piggy tails, the pink bows, the sweet round face, and the pink striped shirt with white overalls. I can see how you could be confused.

    "Are your older ones twins too?" HUH?? No there is 4 yrs difference between them! Do you need glasses??

    I could go on and on. Kudo's to you, for retaining your sanity, and your sense of humor! :D

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  29. Hahaha! Loved every part of this! And can SO relate. We have 2 sets of twins - a set of fraternal girls and identical boys - in addition to our oldest son, so you can imagine the stares and questions we get. I'm glad others think of the grocery store in the same way. It's as if it's an interrogation chamber and the days we get in and out without going crazy are the good days.

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  30. Oh my GAWD!!!! You are my TWIN sister (though I'd bet we're fraternal)! I EVEN LIVE IN ST LOUIS!!!!! I have children who are 9, 7, 6, 4, and 3 year old b/g twins. Claire has dark hair, bright green eyes and is in the 85% for height/weight. Her 'baby' brother Ben is blond, hazel eyed, and in the THIRD percentile (read: he's a tiny whip of a baby and she's a huge monster that looks more like her four year old sister). If I hear "are they identical" One. More. Time. I may actually use that damn butcher knife! And the grocery store saga had me in tears.... of both mirth and horror as I recollected all those days of shopping with the Six Pack. Love love love this blog post!

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  31. I just got asked last week if my 7 year old b/g twins were identical??? The other never ending question: "Do twins run in your family?" My answer truthfully,"No, we had a good doctor and we paid a LOT of money for this torture!" I also have a 5 year old, and get the "look" and "comment" from everyone everywhere we go, "Wow, you really have your hands full." You think?? What gave you that idea? The fact that I am screaming my head off as my 3 kids run around like wild hooligans. That being said I wouldn't trade my kid chaos! This blog rocked :):)

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  32. My friend Sara is amazing, no? She's even more hilarious in person. I hope you all become regular followers of her blog because there is never a bad post. Her wit and humor know no end. And she is a beautiful person, inside and out. :)

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  33. Great blog!

    My boys are 14 mos apart and we are constantly asked are they twins all the time! The grocery store bit is so damn true. Plus trips to the zoo or on outings it's amazing all the stuff you can put in the storage beneath the double stroller....coolers, purses, wipe boxes, diapers bags and all.... Its funny, they always come out with baby stuff advancements AFTER your kids are past needing them. Like nowadays, I am seeing more store with four openings in the front of the cart (wider seats) to accompany two babies. Where was this crap when I needed it?

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  34. I am a SAHM to four boys (8, 8, 5 and 3) and, Sara, you had me at chocolate cheese! Love the rant... !

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  35. LOL. I totally relate! I have 16 month old twins and I am about to start carrying a sign that reads:

    Yes they are twins.
    No, they are not identical. How do I know? Because they look nothing alike!
    No, they are not boys, in fact they are girls(note the PINK DRESSES they are wearing!!). And yes, I am sure they are girls.
    Yes, they are natural. Aren't all kids?

    I am also thinking of making tee shirts. hehe.
    Great post!

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  36. 6-yr-old girl, 3-yr-old boy twins, and a 5-mth-old boy here! I laughed thru this whole post. You took me back to the days when my twins were babies, and grocery trips involved pushing the double stroller while pulling a cart containing the 3-yr-old and all the groceries. At least twice per aisle I would hear "Boy, you have your hands full!" Yes, thank you, that was so helpful! Now quit grinning at me waiting for a witty response, the only one I can come up with on 2-hrs-sleep involves lots of cursing and ends with tears.

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  37. Loved this!! I have two sets of twins- identical girls, and fraternal boys. They are 3 years apart (almost). They are also now 30 and 27. I survived. My mantra was "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". My daughter (with 2 of her own turtles to herd) shared Rants with me and I am a huge fan. Because even though this time passes, you don't forget, you'll never forget. PS - I truly was blessed- in the long haul they're SO.WORTH.IT!

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  38. I seriously thought about labeling my boy/girl twins when we went out in public. I had thought the all pink and all blue outfits would tip people off, but many many times that just wasn't good enough. I often had to explain to people that while, yes, my twins are adorable and fun to make googley eyes at, I only have 30 minutes in the grocery store before one or both starts to explode. And as sweet as you sound cooing at my babies, I don't want to spend ANY of those 30 minutes explaining the difference between identical and fraternal twins.

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  39. This post is HILARIOUS!

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  40. When people ask us if our twins are natural, I say "nope, we put two in and got two out". We have twin girls, pink baby carriers and everything and they would ask us if one was a boy and one was a girl.

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  41. I live in St. Louis too. No twins but four children all two years apart with boys in the middle. So I get all the "your hands are full" comments as well as the "are they twins" comments. I remember well the days of horrible grocery shopping with all those little people in tow. The irony would be that Schnucks got those nifty little carts with the car in front and the spot for TWO kids in the top buckle section as soon as I no longer needed so much seating!

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  42. I dont have twins...well, only sometimes. But I get to give them back at the end of the day (THANKGOD!) I daycare 4 year old twin girls and their 5 year old brother. Twins are a force of nature. A terror/tornado of destruction...but they are also the cutest pair of holy terrors I have ever encountered...

    mix that up with my own 4 year old terror...I mean daughter....

    No wonder people do a double take when they see me and my posse coming...

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  43. I love this! I have 5 year old b/g twins, a 3 year old girl, and 11 month old b/g twins (all spontaneous) and we are approached constantly everywhere we go. With my first twins, I used to get annoyed with the comments and stupid questions, but now I kind of have fun with it and enjoy the conversation, since I rarely get to socialize anymore!

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  44. I have identical twin boys that are now 6. we also have a 3 year old daughter. We have gotten it all. Especially the the looks and whispers since the boys are on the autism spectrum and are currently obsessed with mooning people in public and my 3 yr old daughter talks like she has a PHD in fashion. She would trade me for a woman in knee high black high healed boots any day. so "YES, I have my hands full" and "No there is nothing exceptional about me that makes me better at this than you" I simply lost my mind years ago. It have taken on my roll as walking birth control for all those silly young people that think having children is no big deal and would "be so much fun". I love my children and my children love me. But this is THEE F**KIN HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE! What can you do but laugh! If you loose your sense of humor about the ridiculousness of the whole thing then you are really screwed.

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  45. I loved this!! I do not have twins, but I wanted to comment on the "are they identical" questions because I have two daughters (who are 21 months apart in age) and get asked all the time if they are twins. They look NOTHING alike, are 21 MONTHS APART, and one has white blonde hair and one has red hair, but my husband and I hear this all the time!

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  46. jeez how many of us live in St. louis? I must have seen you all at the zoo at some point!

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  47. okay..had to get in on this! I am a SHAM to 5 kids...10,8,5,5,5....yes TRIPLETS!...Identical too! I have so many crazy questions that I hear and want to include that I fear I may just freeze up the server with the sheer volume of them!! A few of my favorites:

    Are them three twins?

    So were they all born on the same day? Does that mean they have the same birthday?

    Are they identical? So how many boys...how many girls?

    Did you have to "insert explative here" three times in one night for that?

    Can I have one?

    People just feel as if they can say ANYTHING to you...and believe me they do! All I can surmise is that MOST of the general public are a bunch of half-wits that lose all sense of decorum and have the nads to ask a complete stranger any fleeting thought that comes to mind. Let me assure you...my responses are NOT always kind....I always say that they must have removed my filter with the triplet placenta because my tongue just got faster and sharper! Nothing a beer or ten can't cure though!
    Thanks for the laughs today!

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  48. When my triplets were about 3ish, we were going into Michael's (in their big honkin' stroller) and a woman looked at them and said "OH MY GOD. I would KILL myself." I said "please do anyway!" But the big secret....mine are now almost 10, and while I vaguely remember 2001-03, life is MUCH easier with everyone the same age. Great Wolf Lodge and amusement parks rock when everyone can ride all the same rides!

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  49. Hahahahaha! This is awesome and true. I had 4 kids in 4 years too and the last 2 are twins (now 4, thank God). My most annoying thing was the "Are they twins?" and "Are they identical?" questions---after the twins were already 1 year olds and wearing VERY DISTINCTIVELY different outfits and hairstyles as well as they look nothing alike. Considering one's a boy and one's a girl, I couldn't figure out how some of these people couldn't tell they were NOT identical! I also love the "Oh, wow, you have two sets of twins! You got your hands full" (No, I don't have TWO sets of twins. My first child is short, my second is tall. THat's it, I swear!) And the famous "Do twins run in the family?" (as a way of not just asking outright if you had IVF done, lol)...Gotta laugh at that one.
    Lynn

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  50. Almost 4-year-old boy/girl twins, and I still get the "Are they identical?" question. I can remember pushing a double stroller through the grocery store with one hand while pulling a grocery cart behind me, all the while trying to avoid hitting people and merchandise with cart and stroller. Also, for the first 2 years we avoided the pool unless I had backup, but last summer I had the wonderful experience of trying to keep Twin A from drowning herself in the deep end while Twin B proceeded to run around the shallow end and steal everyone else's toys, with me standing in between them screaming at both of them amidst evil stares from parents and life guards. Super pleasant!!!

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  51. As a mom of 2.5 year old boy/girl twins, I can completely relate to this post. I hate trying to make my way through the grocery store!

    As for the endless comments of "You sure have your hands full!", my favorite comeback is one that another twin mommy shared with me - "Better full than empty!" I usually just give them a bland smile and walk away.

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  52. OMG-this: Dora-the-marketing-slut

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  53. "Wow, you have your hands full!"
    "Boy, you sure have your hands full, don't you?"
    "Your hands sure are full!"
    "I bet you have your hands full!"

    I feel like a freakin' bobble head, nodding and smiling every 10 seconds at passing strangers all saying the Same.Darn.Thing to me. I have 2yo boy/girl twins and a 5yo crazy person and I know the ONLY reason this article wasn't longer was because she didn't have TIME to make it longer!

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  54. Mine arent even twins and I get asked that crap! They are 10 mo. apart, but look identical to each other. Messed up part is, their school even asks questions about "the twins" and they have their birthdates on file!! Really?!? And as a boy and a girl, NO THEY ARE NOT IDENTICAL! THEY ARENT EVEN TWINS! lol

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  55. LOL! I work as a night nanny and postpartum doula and have helped lots of families with twins (18 sets!). The identical question for the boy and girl? Heard it tons....that mom would answer, "Only from the waist up!" People are freaks sometimes!

    I get the "Better you than me" too, since I have 6 of my own, ages 5-15. No twins....yet. I'm preggers again at this moment and TERRIFIED it's twins!

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  56. I've been waiting for this one!! YES WITH THE FOOD STORE. SO TRUE.

    My standard response to "You have your hands full" (No #&^# lady!!) Is "Better full than Empty"

    Also, Previous Commenter, I am stealing "I drop eggs like the easter bunny" for the are they natural/do twins run in your family comment.

    My boys are 6months old today :-)

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  57. I have a 10 year old and 8 year old twins --all boys. We used to get the question all the time (but not so much now) asking if they were triplets!?!
    First off, the oldest has blonde hair and looks nothing like his dark-haired twin brothers (who do look identical) and he's TWO YEARS OLDER and WAY bigger! Whuck are with people?

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  58. I have 4 1/2 year old twin girls that look like they could pass for regular sisters. One is short with curly hair the other is tall with straight hair. I've known a lady for a year and she didn't catch on that I had two girls, she thought I was talking to the same kid just calling her different names! LOL. I would also like to add to this post the twin bond/relationship. Sometimes it's like their relationship is bi-polar. One minute they are melting myheart with how much they love each other and are finishing each others sentences and the next they are rolling on the ground scratching each others eyes out and fighting for our attention! They never want to be dressed alike, but if sister 1 wants to wear something specific that day, so does sister 2 and they will fight/pout/throw a fit in an attempt to get their way. The same goes for toys. They have the exact same toys and yet they INSIST very loudly, that the one she has is MINE!!! I cherish the moments when their bond shines through, it's been happening less and less lately as they grow up and form their own personalities.

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  59. Had to throw in my two cents. I have b/g twins who are 2, a 7 y.o. boy, and 4 y.o. girl. So, I often get asked, "how do you do it?" Like I'm Superwoman or something. I also get the, "better you than me comment" and the annoying comments from everyone who has twins in their family or wanted twins or thought they were having twins because they were so big or thought having twins would be "so fun".--In case anyone is still wondering, it's not.

    The "are they identical?" question is a classic. Sometimes I say, "well, he has a penis and she has a vagina soooo, no".

    I just realized a few weeks ago that I'm not going to be able to do the pool without help. We went to an indoor pool party and I didn't let the twins in the water. Everyone looked at me like I had two heads, yet no one was offering any help. And the grocery store, that's a whole other story. My husband just got a new job that has forced me to go grocery shopping with all 4 in tow. I think anytime you have more than 3, you may as well have 10 because that's how everyone sees you.

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  60. I get all the same questions, and have answered that I am able to tell my b/g twins apart by the fact that one has a penis and one has a vagina. Then I run while they stand there and gape so I dont have to answer more questions! :)

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  61. I gave birth three times in 23 months. My oldest is just now 2 1/2. And every time I leave my husband at home with the boys while I "go grocery shopping" I come home with milk, cheese, wine, and a receipt from the bar across the street from Publix.

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  62. My twin girls are now three and the stupid comments are less and less now. But the one that used to bother me the most was "are they natural?" It got so bad that I started saying "no, they're supernatural!" I also think the question about "do they run in your family" is asked out of fear because when I would say no their eyes would open just a bit wider :)

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  63. paintcrazy-
    no disrespect but how do you have kids 4 months apart?

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  64. I loved this post I have triplets and was hoping Y'all would do a multiples post. This is so true and another you can add to the list is DID YOU TAKE FERTILITY PILLS...and DOES IT RUN IN YOUR FAMILY...those two are the ones I got most often besides (in front of identical triplets) are they identical question...this post is great.

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  65. That was so great! I'm a new mom, not of twins but I haven't even gone to the grocery store, and just the thought of the pool scares me!

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  66. I have twin girls that look pretty identical. We haven't had them tested. So, we get to discuss the science of twins with EVERY stranger we come across.

    I get to explain that, yes, they had two placentas - BUT 30 % of identical twins have separate placentas because the egg split very early.

    Sometimes, the stranger decides to educate us on how it all works. Wal-mart Checker Lady, I know it's hard to believe, but I have researched up on twins...just a little bit. In fact, did you know that if the egg splits strangely and the mom for some reason has a XXY chromosome...you CAN actually get identical boy/girl twins?? Super rare - and how would you ever know...but I have looked into the twin thing. Really.

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  67. I have 2 sets of fraternal twins (4 yr old boy/girl & 7 yr old girl/girl), and I also abhor the idiot questions. My favorite response to "Are they twins???" was to point at the one who looks just like me & say, "Oh no! I had the one and liked her so much that I found a matching one for a great price on eBay!" Yeah, I got a lot of "crazy lady with twins" mutters, too. ;-)

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  68. I love it!!! I have five yo B/G twins and people alway asked if they were identical and I just decided that it wasn't my job to educated dumb people and I would say "Yes they are!!!" lol I also have 17month old triplet girls...Yes you heard right. That just opened up a whole new line of stupid and personal questions.

    I still love it all though.

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  69. Awesome! I have identical twin boys, they are 2 now. I realize you are long past this, but maybe it will help someone else: the carts for the wholesale stores like BJs and Costco are double, so both children can sit in the front, and actual groceries can go in the cart.

    I do get the "are they identical" a lot, which makes sense in our case...but sometimes, I get people who aren't even sure if they are twins. They look exactly the same, it's kind of a no-brainer.

    What is gratifying though, is that my husband and I get a lot of respect from friends who only have one baby/child. They find themselves having enough trouble with one, and can't imagine how we multiples' parents manage with twins (or more).

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  70. Oh Sara. I love you. When Grayson was born and Parker was one and Bailey was two I would walk into the grocery store with the baby in the sling, Parker on my hip, my purse on the other shoulder and I trained Bailey to hold my pants since I was out of hands. There were days that if anyone said, "wow you have your hands full" to me one more time I would have handed them over my kids and walked away. :)

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  71. Hilarious...love the picture of the stroller. I have done that many times and like you said...I would rather look like a crazy mom at the store with my 5,4,& 15 mos twins than wait for my husband...still laughing about Dora the slut

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  72. This one:

    "double trouble."

    Doh. Like I never heard that one before.

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  73. Birthday parties. Two kids the same age in different classes = double the number of birthday parties. When the kids are preschool age, it's difficult to explain why one gets invited to Chuck-e-cheese and not the other (and don't get me started on all of these party places that suck parents into their propaganda). God bless the moms who pay attention to my struggles in the drop off line, notice that I have twins, and invite both of my kids to the party. Saves on babysitters and tears. Of course, then there's the "do I bring one present or two?" dilemma. Birthday parties are a big enemy of the MOM.

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  74. So. Awesome. I was almost four when first my little brother (December baby, blonde, blue eyes) then my twin cousins (March, both girls, fraternal, one blonde and blue eyed one black haired and blue eyed because in my weird family the blue eye gene is DOMINANT...out of seven I'm the only one with non-blue -brown- eyes) were born so I missed the comments that I heard about later.

    "Are they triplets?"

    "Are those two twins?"
    "What about those two?"
    "What do you mean they have different parents?"
    "But they're both blonde, they have to be identical twins."
    "But they're all in a two-seated stroller, they have to be triplets!" (the old fashioned kind with vinyl covered seats and facing each other)
    "They can't be twins, one has black hair!"
    "Are you sure?"
    "Look closer are you POSITIVE those two are twins and not these two?"

    Then 18 months after my brother, my OTHER brother came along, and since he was on a different growth chart than the first one...it continued. When my mother told me later that my aunt's "Mothers of Twins" club was a bunch of moms who used to meet in her barn and get drunk, I wasn't surprised.

    Btw...all seven of us went to the same school from pre-school thru graduation, all with the same last name and the three of them, my brother and two cousins, in the same year. (One graduation, two open houses!) We were in a small town where everyone knew everyone else, so there were almost ALWAYS two of them in the same class at the same time. Also if I happened to be in a school where one of them happened to be UP THRU MIDDLE SCHOOL...they would hurl themselves down hallways at me. The teachers frowned upon that even though I couldn't be brought down onto the concrete floors by any three of them combined.

    Good times...

    I shouldn't comment in the middle of the night...and yet I do.

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  75. Oh, and my doula's response to the question of whether twins run in her family (she had 6, and the youngest were b/g twins that were 4 when she was my doula) was "Yes. In opposite directions. Any other stupid questions?"

    She's an AWESOME doula and an even better friend. *grin*

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  76. My lovely mother-in-law kept reminding me - constantly when I was pregnant with our daughter that twins run in their family and wouldn't it be wonderful to have twins. Note - she did NOT have twins. I escaped it this time, but worry when we finally conceive number two, that it will be two and three. Congrats to you for maintaining your ability to write, I have a two year that is on a sleep strike and I can barely formulate a sentence today.

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  77. To say that I love your post and your blog "are we there yet" is a understatement...a genius writer you definitely are!!!

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  78. thank you for this !!
    mom of twin boys here.
    my favorite is everyday it never fails , i get asked if they are twins !!!!
    "no jackhole they were just born on the same day, and they look a lot alike. i know weird right."

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  79. Although my two kids are only 21 months apart and I can therefore empathize with the amount of work two babies take, I read this post a few days ago with the mindset that it didn't *really* pertain to me because, after all, I don't have twins.

    BUT THEN, as I'm standing at a store checkout today with my 22 month old toddler in a stroller and my 7 week old strapped to my body, I hear the cashier's voice call out..."Awww, are they twins?" SERIOUSLY??? I was too dumbfounded (once I realized she was a. totally serious and b. actually talking to ME) to even come up with a response.

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  80. Wow, haven't laughed this long in a while! My twin boys are turning 4 in a month. My favorite "twin question" of all time: "are they fraternal or maternal?". :)

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  81. Thank you for posting this! I can totally relate as I have identical twin toddler boys who are two years old. They have two older siblings - a sister who's seven and another sister who is in her twenties. When I am with the younger three, the bone-headed comments that I hear are beyond astounding and would be actually funny if I didn't feel like cursing like a sailor to those who think they're funny.

    The most annoying comments?

    1) Are they twins? In my mind I'm thinking, "Well, they look alike to the point where your next sentence is that you can't tell them apart, so what do YOU think, Genius??"

    2) "Boy! YOU'VE got your hands full, don't you??" Um, yea. Such an astute observation. You should really consider getting your PhD. as you are clearly the Master of the Obvious.

    3) "Did you take fertility treatments?" Yes, I like going up to complete strangers and asking them intimate details of their reproductive, sexual and medical histories. It is a great ice-breaker.

    I could go on, but you've covered off most of the majorly irritating and just plain asinine comments that bone-headed idiots make on a regular basis. Thank-you.

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  82. lol, love the post - I can totally relate. I have fraternal girl twins who are now 15 months, and another daughter who is almost 4. When I first starting going in public with them, I used to post the completely batty comments and questions people used to throw my way.

    Hands-down #1 question asked: "Are they twins?"
    No dummy, one was really really early and the other was really really late.

    Dumbest question: "Are they paternal?"
    Uh, what? Do you mean "are they FRAternal?" if so, then yes.

    "Are they identical?" No, identical twins do not generally have hair so different as to be totally curly on one and stick straight on the other.

    "One boy, one girl?" My actual response: "Both girls. Did the pink flowers on the dresses throw you?"

    One guy, points at my double jogging stroller and says, "You better have two in that thing" and my actual answer: "And if I don't?" he nervously chuckled and looked away.

    Worst question: "Are they natural?" my actual answer: "No, we have one natural daughter so my husband and I decided to make these two out of plastic"

    And agree to the commenter above - EVERY person who feels compelled to say something to me, says, "Boy, you have YOUR hands full" and thinks themselves very clever and laughs at their own "joke."

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  83. Love all this!!!! I am lucky enough to have a 12 year old teeny tiny daughter and 8 year old ident girl twins.... older one is blonde, blue-eyes with glasses and the twins are bigger than she is, brown-hair, brown eyed healthy as horses and I still get asked if they are triplets!! EEHH??? Ok, so they are relatively the same height, but COME ON! My oldest always answers for me and I let her (happily!) with arms crossed, eyes rolled and sigh... "No, I'm four years older, can't you tell I'm more mature!" Classic! I can't say it any better!

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  84. I am not a mother or a twin, but I have a sister whose 19 months younger and basically our entire lives people ask us if we're identical twins (!) We even have been mistaken for each other. We look like sisters, but in no way are we identical looking. We have an older brother who is a similar height, and together we frequently get asked if we're triplets. My sister and I did get the matching gifts thing, or the "same thing in a different color" gift, which we'd invariably fight over.

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  85. Not a mom of multiples....can't imagine what it's like! Thanks for the laugh. Why do people start saying stupid stuff to you when you have more than three children? Ok, I got it some when I had three under 4, but we recently acquired my nephew as child #4 and people are back at it. He's FIVE and when we all go somewhere we inevitably get, "Wow, four kids. You must be busy. That's a big family." Yes, thanks dummy. Glad you can count. The worst is restaurants....like seating six, with four kids is going to require a zoning permit!

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  86. Oh, I'm laughing and nodding along. My "not even a little identical" twins are girls, and they really confuse the morons who didn't pass biology in high school. Apparently, because they're the same sex, they have to have been identical, so why don't they look alike? *sigh* I get really tired of talking about my body shooting out multiple eggs.

    My favorite question was, "Are they natural?" No, they're full of artificial colors and flavors. Really, that question is an attempt at politely asking if you took drugs to get pregnant. Which is not anyone's freaking business.

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  87. I have almost four year old b/g twins and an almost 2 year old. I was in stitches and tears bringing me back to those trying times. I am proud that I can carry two kids at once (and sometimes 3 in a pinch). That's right go ahead and comment and look at me like a freak show; you couldn't do it, my kids ARE very good kids and thank God I'm their mother!

    Going to use some of the new responses from the comments. "Yes, they run in opposite directions." "No not identical, he has different equipment." "Really, really, you knew a friend of the family's cousin who had twins 50 years ago? Pardon me while I go round up my kids instead of listening to you and your very loose connection to twins and advice you think you have."(Ugh, okay that's my dream response.)

    Yea for parents of multiples and multiples plus!

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  88. Mom of a 7 year old and twin 5 year olds, all girls, here......Can't COUNT the number of times I've heard the flippant "better you than me" comment, to which I always respond, "Yes. I agree.". :-)

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  89. I love all of you MOMs. As a mom to a girl/boy combo 17 months apart and who cause me to lose my Schmidt on a regular basis, I truly cannot imagine being a MOM.

    <3 you all!!

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  90. Oh, this brought tears to my eyes! Happy tears that so many other people are going through the same thing as I am! I'm never really bothered by other people's questions, because twins ARE so interesting, but I've seriously blocked out the first 3 years of their life because it was so tough. I've heard all of the comments though, because I'm a twin, my father was a twin, and I have twins. Nope, doesn't run in families.

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  91. This warms my heart! Love this. My doctor told me to say "yes, all except for the penis" when the numbnuts at Starbucks asked me if my boy/girl twins were identical.

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  92. LOVE this!! I'm a SAHM of 10 month old fraternal boy/boy twins. I am always amazed by the ridiculous things perfect strangers will ask/say! My boys are very different, both in looks and size (twin B is about 4 lbs heavier than twin A). I am constantly asked if the bigger one is the oldest. Really?!? Like that 2 minutes would make a difference! And if one more person asks if the smaller one (dressed in blue head to toe) is a girl-- Momma might punch somebody!
    All the other questions people here have listed happen ALL the time. "Are they twins?" "Are they identical?" "Do twins run in your family?" "You must have your hands full!" "Double trouble!" And my personal favorite, "Are they natural, or did you have help?" Like the inner-workings of my reproduction are any of your business!

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  93. I just have to say I love this post. But then I got to the comments and I so wish we were all in the same room somewhere swapping stories! Three boys for this momma ~ a dk haired & eyed 5yr old and fraternal twins who are almost 3. One twin looks just like the older brother...the other is light haired, blue eyed, chubby cheeked. Seriously looks like we adopted him. I can't even begin to explain the relief I have reading that all of you have the same reaction to the morons in stores. Especially "do twins run in your family". I don't know why, but it just drives me crazy. I used to joke about writing a sign to hang on the stroller that said "yes they are twins, i have all boys and if my hands weren't full of groceries I would punch you for stopping me to ask me dumb questions."
    Love it love it love it.

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  94. Sometimes people amaze me with their stupidity, got the same with my sister when we were growing up, 13mths and 10 days apart and when we got to school every one asked if we were twins, we look nothing alike, not to mention in different grades!! But interesting story, in elementary school there was a set of twins in my grade, one was in my class the other not, they are fraternal and look completely different!(still frinds with them how awesome is that) I found it odd that no one could tell them apart, idiots. My DH's grandmother was an idiental twin and I was relived to find that twins run through the mother's side of the family, so I'm waiting for SIL to get that distinct honor

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  95. I have 16 year old twins - 2 drivers, 2 insurances, 1 car to share. Ponder that one my friends.

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  96. Holy cow- I could have written this. Two year old at the store, twins in the stroller and me shoving items into their stroller while trying not to look like a shoplifter because I can't push the cart, and the stroller and corral the two year old who is determined to walk up to every stranger and ask him or her if he or she is a good cowboy or a bad cowboy thanks to the constant stream of old westerns he sees when visiting Grampa.

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  97. A few good comebacks I've heard or used when people get up in your business about your twins:

    1. "Are they natural?" (almost always asked by a woman trying to find out if we did IVF) to which I answer "Are you on your period?" When they look horrified at the question I just say "Oh, well, I thought are long as we sharing asking personal questions I'd ask one of you too."

    2. "Are they identical?" (Guess the blue and pink wasn't enough and the giant bow in my daughter's hair wasn't a give away) just say "Only from the waist up." Love the confused look I get on that one.

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  98. Other good responses to the stupid questions:

    1. "Are they natural?" - "Why do you ask?" Because if it's someone going through fertility issues who needs to talk, then I have some sympathy. If it's someone asking out of random curiosity then I'm gonna call them on their bull.

    2. "Better you than me." - "Yes." (Said with a smile.)

    LOVE the response "Only from the waist up" to the "Are they identical?" question!!!! I'm totally stealing that. :)

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  99. I've got twin girls. Complete strangers would go up to me and straight out ask whether my kids were "natural or made with a doctor's help" WTHeck? Why would anybody think that was an ok question to ask?
    But my favorite comment is this said by an elderly lady in the supermarked: "ooohh how cute. Are those twins? (me: yes) Are they both yours?" ... uuhhmm no... I had one, then I went to Ikea to get a matching set??

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  100. I am one of a set of boy-girl fraternal twins and my mother would nearly loose her schmit when someone came and asked if we were twins (yes) following with boy or girl (both) then the question that would make her want to square up- Are they identical?(asked of the baby in blue with blue accessories and the pink one with pink accessories) Her response "No, all the parts work."

    Then there were all the people wanting to get there unwashed griminess on the 2 month preemie babies. Her solution was to put tule over our stroller and say it was so nothing could get in with the babies. Stopped many a blue haired lady in her tracks.

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