Friday, May 6, 2011

Facebook Updates That Make Us Lose Our Schmidt

We had no idea that how much we all seem to get ticked off by Facebook, until we asked.  We were rolling our eyes on a pretty frequent basis but then - we thought it was just us.  Apparently not.

After reading through the hundreds of comments we received over the past week, we've learned a couple of things...

Facebook is like motherhood - you can't win. It's like breastfeeding or day care.  Everybody has an opinion.  If you post something happy and optimistic, the response is something like: "Thanks Gwyneth, glad your f*cking life is so perfect." or "You're in love with your husband. WE GET IT. And I just threw up in my mouth."  Or, say you post something sad or angry, then people are like: "Ummm... Negative much? Try getting a life." or "Poor little bunny, her Mercedes is in the shop. Awww.... The world just ended."

But there are few things we all seem to agree on.  They can be roughly categorized into types of facebooking behaviors. And there's a LOT of them. So, we've picked our favorites sent in from MommyLand, and then added what we wish we could have written back.

Oh, and if you maybe see something you yourself have written...ummm, yeah. Hi. If we're being honest, Kate and I are total offenders who may have made this list in more than one category.


Vaguebooking: Being intentionally vague about what you're talking about in order to get attention, which you then deflect, which makes you more annoying.


Ummm, kinda not. How about Confused?

"Some people..."

Should consider posting complete sentences.

"I've had my ringer off all weekend and not one call or voicemail. I feel loved..."

I had my lights off all weekend and not one burglar or peeping Tom. I actually feel pretty safe. Woot!

"I can't see my future if i'm looking through the windows of my past."

Whoa. I can't see outta the eyes in the back of my head, but I'm pretty sure it's because my hair gets in the way.

"Gosh I never wanted to be a full-time mom but here I am!"

Congrats on the birth of your baby. Yesterday. Bang up job so far. By the way does this mean you DON'T want to be a mom or that you DO? In either case, its a little late now.

(ATS) Adult Texting Syndrome: It's bad enough when teenagers write exclusively in some bizarre, unintelligible language, but when adults do it, it's both off-putting and sad.

"Can't w8 2 watch my 3yr old niece blow out her bday candles 2nite.. she's beyond precious.. but I hope she let's every1 have a piece cake.. ;-)"

Really looking forward to seeing you and your niece! I found the most adorable backpack for her..shhh. Also, I'm bringing you some vowels.

"aboutta eat stake, potatos,corn n the cob and rolls....It's gonna be bomb...yeah be jellous :D"

 I be jealous of the dude who's gonna be rebuilding your bathroom after that meal.

"Howz ya day going b*otch? Yo we gon hit up da club laterz so call my celly. Every1 is goin - its gon be sick."

Dude. You're 40 years old.  Unless you're being ironic this has GOT TO STOP.

It's Called Email: Some people fail to grasp that the things they write are visible to everyone. And the response of everyone generally wavers between "I don't care" and "Whuck?"

"When we were at the bar last night, that thing was sooooo funny. By the way, were you going to pay me back for cab fare or do you just want to buy me lunch today?"

That is sooooooo funny because you told me you were at church last night, hooker.

"Had the best shower ever at my aunts house. The towels are so big and soft- the last time I took a shower not at home- the towels were so little and rough. It's the simple pleasures in life that make days enjoyable. So, enjoy soft and big towels today."

Just so so many questions. Did you aunt invite you over? Was she aware of this shower situation? Also, I'm desperate to NOT know where you were last time showered not at home. Please tell me it wasn't my house.

Jellyfishers: Some people are perfectly aware that the things they write are visible to everyone. So they write things designed to sting their "friends" while making themselves seem awesome.  They are actually extremely douchey.

"I think if you can't find the time to take care of yourself, then stop watching TV and Facebooking and GET OUT THERE. No excuses!"

I'm going get out there and kick your ass just as soon as the Real Housewives is over and I've finished typing this comment.

"So and so Just burned 30bazillion calories running, jumping, crack whoring for 180 minutes today."

Shut up. You're a crack whore?

"Have you ever been to someone's house and thought that they really need to upgrade?"

I have also thought that you will not be invited to my house if you're going to post things like that on Facebook about your "friends". xo, Lydia

I have been SO lazy today!! Only thing I've done that showed the slightest bit of effort today is cook. I have pork chops, stuffing, and limas cooking now to take to Joy's along with leftover cornbread from lunch and pineapple cake I made this morning. We also had an AWESOME breakfast, if I do say so!!!

I read your status and then I wrote this. Kate FTW.

Hormonal Stupidity: Let's blame teenage hormones for the astounding degree of oversharing and the total lack of discretion.  Adults who do this are either single and dating, profoundly moronic or really drunk. Sometimes all three at once.

"Finally met a truly good man, a real man. A really good man who can actually COMMIT. I can't say his name yet and I can't post a pic, but I will as soon as I can. Stupid divorce lawyers don't know anything about LOVE."

So happy. For you. And what's-his-face. Who I'm sure. Will appreciate. Paying alimony. Forever. 

"Lost my virginity last night!"

Hello. Ummm, hi. You might want to remember that you friended your parents.

Pundit Fever: Someone who is infected with Pundit Fever feels compelled to espouse their political views with vehemence, passion and a total disregard for the opinions and feelings of others.

"I woke up this morning and read the headline "Osama killed," and did a happy dance, but then I stopped--I thought it said "Obama killed." Oh well, can't win them all."

Yeah, NO. We're done here.

Creative Thinkers: Apparently, if you cut and paste something into your Facebook status, you can cure cancer. 

If you aren't ashamed of God, press like and copy and paste this too your page. remember, He will deny you if you deny Him!! most of you won't copy and paste this....

I will so worry about this right after God gets a Facebook page. See you at church on Sunday.

"Like this if you think cancer is BAD. Support cancer research! Leave this as your status for one hour. 98% of people will not. Will YOU?"

So, if I don't like this, then I think cancer is awesome? OK, click like to not like something, and don't click like if I DO like something. Hmm, so I need to not click to not like that I don't think cancer isn't bad. Has it been an hour yet?

DFB: We've talked about this before. These people have a few too many cocktails, and then decide to sit at their computers and say everything they ever thought about everyone...and decide that their high school ex is probably super-special, super-single, and super-duper waiting for a stalker-y message from them. No and even no-er. There's also the ones where we tend to attribute inebriation in the hopes that they would never post something like that sober.

"Its been a long time. Too long.  Miss you..."

You're right. Let me forward this to your wife and we can all get together for drinks next week. DOUCHEBAG.

"don't like the new farm. why is it that my corps i planted last night on my first farm are not done this morning, it is like it was put on hold. so for those who have not made it there, it really is no big deal.and i will not spend alot of time on one farm if they don't work together. you should be able to have crops grow the same time on both farms. not one or the other."

Hi sweetie. Please tell me you're drunk.

One Uppers: Did your kid get a star at school for helping a friend or erasing the chalkboard? OH! Well, isn't that special? Because the instant you post that, Mrs. Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better will hit you with a "Congrats to Junior on his star. My angel DISCOVERED a new star today. NASA is coming over to thank him and then we're having tea."

"If you are seeing this message then you made my latest round of friend cuts."

I have a distinct feeling I'm not going to make the next round. 

"I just got yet ANOTHER residual check in the mail!! who says the economy has taken a down turn??"

Such good news. I just got yet ANOTHER hammer. A big one. The economy is awesome. Though I probably can't say the same for your car. Good thing you got that big check...whew.

"My little angel made the honor roll again and he never talks back or rolls his eyes b/c he is perfect!"

Congrats! Is he from a cornfield?

"I tried to skip blogging today, but just couldn't do it. I know. Overachiever."

I tried to skip peeing today, but I just couldn't do it. I know. Overdrinker. 

Status-saurus: It was nice that you got up, went for a run, then came home and showered and - ugh - exfoliated and then had coffee and then talked on the phone and, oh wow, now you're getting a bikini wax. Please. Stop telling us every detail of your day. Because all it makes us do is hope that a really big comet will hit your house and render you extinct. Just like what happened to the dinosaurs. T-Rex was totally a facebook junkie. Little arms and all...what?

"I took a nap AND a dump!"

In the same place?

"Waiting in line for a parking space at the DMV." [later] "Finally in line INSIDE the DMV. Progress."
[even later] "My number is up next!" [and even later later] "Trying to get out of the DMV parking lot. There's a line. Why am I not surprised?" 

Well, that solves it. I'm in hell. 

If we've missed anything, please let us know! If you have any really awesome or horrible things you want us to respond to, leave them here and if we get enough - we'll do a second post.

xo, Kate & Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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