Monday, May 23, 2011

Five Questions for My Kids - Again

These questions for my children just keep coming.  Because notwithstanding the fact that I love them more than sunshine or spring rolls or a good red wine, I don't understand them at all. And I made them. 

So let's begin...

What happens to my scotch tape?
Seriously, where does it go? Because every single time I go to Target I am forced to buy a new three-pack.  What do you do with it?  I remember that time you tried to create a toddler size spider web in your closet. Or the time you made yourself a mummy. But lately, I'm starting to think that one of you has some sort of hoarding compulsion and that when we move out I'm going to find a crawl space full of scotch tape and you'll be guarding it murmuring; "my precioussssss..."

Do I look like this?
Note the following:
NOT mommy.
Mommy is not a water dispenser.  Mommy is also not a magician.  And Mommy does not appreciate being greeted by you after school with a foot stomp and "I'm hot. Can I have some water?" She would really prefer a "Hi Mommy!" and a nice hug.  Other children managed to work in a "hello" before they start their rigorous after school schedule of demanding things and avoiding homework. And if I do manage to produce a juice box or bottle of water from my capacious and ugly mom-purse, could you not sigh and roll your eyes because it is not cold enough or Maude forbid you have to share it?

Why do you wait until we've left the house to tell me that you're hungry/thirsty/need to pee?
You see my darlings, once we're in the car it's pretty hard for me to make you a sandwich.  And despite what the van smells like, there's no toilet in there.   And as far as being thirsty, I believe we just covered that. So prior to leaving the house, when there's still a chance you can get what you want - that's the time to ask. Because once we're in the car, its TFB.

What is it about watching TV that makes you f*cking deaf?
You are lovely, intelligent obedient children in my mind in public optimistically.  So why is it that when you're watching television all of our conversations go like this:

Mommy: Kiddos! Dinner! Please come to the table!
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK...
Kid 3: grunt.
[One minute later...]
Mommy: Water or apple juice?
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK...
Kid 3: grunt.
[One minute later...]
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK...
Kid 3: grunt.
[thirty seconds later...]
Mommy: GUYS!! Dinner! Come ON! Water or Apple Juice?! And PLEASE get to the table!
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK
Kid 3: grunt.
[twenty seconds later...]
Mommy: [stomps into living room, turns off TV, slams something, then screeches:] WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! GET TO THE TABLE RIGHT NOW!
Kid 1: Why are you yelling at us?
Kid 2: You're mean, Mommy. [sniffle]
Kid 3: Apple juice?

Why is that when you go to sleep later, you wake up earlier?
That is not fair.  First of all, children need plenty of sleep to be happy and healthy and also not succumb to the urge to be tedious and annoying whiners.  Mommies need children to get plenty of sleep so that they have time to do fun grown up things like fold laundry and pay bills.  So when you fall asleep late, we have to stay up late in order to accomplish those fun grown up things.  And then we are forced to wake up at some ungodly hour of the morning in the manner if a damn rooster and that makes mommy grouchy.

Also, that time in the evening when you are not sleeping and you should be?  That's very important time. That's MY time.  That's the time I have to do things that are hard to accomplish while you are awake. Like having a conversation with another adult. Namely, your father. You know, that attractive man who lives here?  Except by the time you've finally gone to sleep, and I've poured myself a glass of wine, and turned the TV on, and he tries to tell me about his day, I am so tired and brain dead that all our conversations go like this:

Daddy: Isn't that amazing? What do you think that means?
Mommy: Hmmm mmmm...
Apple juice?

And that's all the questions I have, for now....

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. My kindergartner asks for water EVERY DAY when he gets off the bus, because ONCE I had my work-out water bottle with me. Does he not understand that if my hands are empty there is no water to be had???? Does he think I'm smuggling some in my bra?

  2. "AM I SPEAKING DOLPHIN?!?" has been asked a few times, and while that does get their attention, by that point i can feel the veins throbbing out my neck.

    here's a question i'd love to ask MY children. WHY in the name of all that's green and natural do you ask ME for something to eat or drink when i just saw you tightrope walk across the kitchen sink to get the cereal/mommy's not so hidden stash of chocolate off the TOP of the cabinet and you've already managed to poor all three of your partners in crime a glass of shut up juice so that each one of you is now equally guilty?

    and LEAVE MY TAPE ALONE!!!!! my preciousssssss...


    and p.s. i couldn't make this up if i tried, the captcha to enter the comment pre post note was 'ornery' yup. it's a sign..

      Omg I am going to use that.

  3. Every afternoon my son asks me for a drink as we are walking across the school oval to get home and every afternoon I point out to him that I don't have a drink with me and he always asks me again.

    When your kids let you know why they wake up early when they go to bed late can you please let me know because I've been asking mine this question for a very long time.


  4. This is one of those posts where I'm sure you're secretly living in my house. My kids do the water thing when we're out shopping - generally, when we're walking OUT of the store, and nowhere near a drinking fountain. I've offered to spit in their mouths, but they don't seem to like that answer.....

    And don't get me started on the selective television deafness.

  5. Loved today's post. It's nice to know my children are not the only one with tv deafness and a hoarding of scotch tape.

    And sleep.. ugh what is that? I haven't had more than 4 hours of sleep straight in over 2 years. Between pregnancy bladder and a 1 year old that only cat naps. No matter what time I put him to bed or how few naps he gets he is still up at 6am every morning. (his room isn't even on the sunrise side of the house)

  6. Oh, god, the TAPE. I finally made a deal with my daughter: When I go to Target, I buy six rolls of tape: one three-pack with the red dispenser, and one three-pack with the green dispenser. The green ones are MINE. She is not allowed to touch them under pain of death. Or at least dismemberment. By trade, the red ones are hers, and as long as the tape is only stuck to approved surfaces (i.e., craft supplies and not my furniture or her brother) then I do not complain about how much she is using. If she runs out before I do? Too bad, she has to wait for my next trip to Target.

    ...Let it be known that I still can never find any d@mn tape.

  7. In addition to stealing my tape, the children of the corn have also demolished my tape dispenser, spilling mounds of sand all on my computer desk! Whose genius idea was it to fill it with, of all things, mutha-effing SAND?!?!?!?! Clearly someone who doesn't have kids!

  8. At least water comes from a faucet. My brat clan always wants chocolate milk! Which requires I pour the white milk, then the chocolate syrup (and I never put enough in according to them) shake it, they down it, then want MORE! They don’t know what gestational diabetes is, YET! I WISH they just wanted some flippin water!!! Of course the pre-maid gallon of choco milk would be easier except I question if there is even milk in that…

  9. Did you break into my home? I swear, I think you have. Otherwise, you've stolen my brain, and have been using it to write blog posts.

    If you stole it, you're welcome to keep it. Didn't need it anyway, as The Children will eventually suck it dry as though it were a CapriSun.

  10. LOL! The comments are as funny as the post today! And I, too, feel as if you are in my head this morning. The TAPE! The WATER! If my 8yo son turns to me while we are all sitting at the dinner table and asks me to get him water one. more. time... Seriously? We finally have a fridge with one of those nifty water dispensers. GET IT YOURSELF! This momma wants to eat her dinner at least luke-warm.

  11. seriously, where does the scotch tape go?

  12. Add the scissors to the magical tape disappearing act. We have at least 8 pair of children sizes scissors floating around and yet they can never be found we needing, so now my nice scissors are now gone. Guess I'll go check the crawl space.
    I often say, this is ENGLISH coming out of my mouth. My husband also has TV and computer deafness. Could you also solve the mystery of the whining EVERYTIME I ask them to do something. Even if its as little as sitting down for dinner or washing hands before dinner. My husband is also no better at this. Maybe I'll go find an unoccupied TV and a glass of wine and pretend to be deaf and blind to it all. Oh right, in my dreams, that will be about the time everyone needs something NOW!

  13. Exactly ... all of them! It's like you're in my head ... wait, are you in my head? Nah, kids are just crazy & weird in their own ways.
    On a more personal note, I formerly commented as Brigitte. Please follow my new blog, Music Mama's Big Ol' Ball of Crazy, where I talk about my own mood disorders & 2 of our 3 kids' disorders and the chaos that ensues. Thank you!

  14. I firmly believe my daughter has a public toilet fetish. I always ask 'Anyone need to potty?' before leaving the house...always no takers. But by the time we get wherever we're going, surprise, she has to pee!

  15. My kids seem to think our van came equipped with a water and snack dispenser. Or that I am secretly a magician and can make them appear at will.

    The question that I, to my astonishment, ask multiple times every single day: Where is your underwear?

  16. I would like to know why my son, 2, uses my boob as a handle for getting in or out of anything? Was it not bad enough after feeding from them for two years, now you have to stretch them even further by grabbing and pulling on them with your whole body weight?

  17. You ladies are hilarious! I have a 15 month old who currently loves to walk around with his t-shirt over his head and bonk into things. Also - being a relatively new mom with my first toddler - holy crap child proofing bites the big one. NOT looking forward to when this kid can crawl over things. Lord help me now. Your blog brightens my day. Thank you!

  18. Since my son has ADHD and Tourettes I can easily find the answer to one of these and thankfully at 11, I don't necessarily have to get up with him, I just keep one ear open for 30 extra minutes.

    My daughter's issue? Apparently they don't allow her to drink at daycare at all, ever. If I don't have a drink ready in the car when I pick her up I am pretty well the worst mom in history. If only I didn't know about the water bottles with each child's name on it that they can get whenever they like. <sigh?

  19. "And despite what the van smells like, there's no toilet in there." Soooo true...

  20. children are PERFECT!!!! No, really! My 8yo actually gets food and such for herself, never asks for drinks or snacks in the car...ok, occasionally she forgets to use the bathroom before we leave a place, but compared to her constant "accidents" until the middle of first grade, this is a VAST improvment.
    The 5yo hasn't gotten the message about drinks and snacks in the car...even if she JUST HAD ONE (of either)
    But they don't go totally deaf in front of the TV and I always have tape ;) lol!




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