Monday, May 23, 2011

Five Questions for My Kids - Again

These questions for my children just keep coming.  Because notwithstanding the fact that I love them more than sunshine or spring rolls or a good red wine, I don't understand them at all. And I made them. 

So let's begin...

What happens to my scotch tape?
Seriously, where does it go? Because every single time I go to Target I am forced to buy a new three-pack.  What do you do with it?  I remember that time you tried to create a toddler size spider web in your closet. Or the time you made yourself a mummy. But lately, I'm starting to think that one of you has some sort of hoarding compulsion and that when we move out I'm going to find a crawl space full of scotch tape and you'll be guarding it murmuring; "my precioussssss..."

Do I look like this?
Note the following:
NOT mommy.
Mommy is not a water dispenser.  Mommy is also not a magician.  And Mommy does not appreciate being greeted by you after school with a foot stomp and "I'm hot. Can I have some water?" She would really prefer a "Hi Mommy!" and a nice hug.  Other children managed to work in a "hello" before they start their rigorous after school schedule of demanding things and avoiding homework. And if I do manage to produce a juice box or bottle of water from my capacious and ugly mom-purse, could you not sigh and roll your eyes because it is not cold enough or Maude forbid you have to share it?

Why do you wait until we've left the house to tell me that you're hungry/thirsty/need to pee?
You see my darlings, once we're in the car it's pretty hard for me to make you a sandwich.  And despite what the van smells like, there's no toilet in there.   And as far as being thirsty, I believe we just covered that. So prior to leaving the house, when there's still a chance you can get what you want - that's the time to ask. Because once we're in the car, its TFB.

What is it about watching TV that makes you f*cking deaf?
You are lovely, intelligent obedient children in my mind in public optimistically.  So why is it that when you're watching television all of our conversations go like this:

Mommy: Kiddos! Dinner! Please come to the table!
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK...
Kid 3: grunt.
[One minute later...]
Mommy: Water or apple juice?
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK...
Kid 3: grunt.
[One minute later...]
Mommy: WATER OR APPLE JUICE?!
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK...
Kid 3: grunt.
[thirty seconds later...]
Mommy: GUYS!! Dinner! Come ON! Water or Apple Juice?! And PLEASE get to the table!
Kid 1: Mmmmm Hmmmm...
Kid 2: OK
Kid 3: grunt.
[twenty seconds later...]
Mommy: [stomps into living room, turns off TV, slams something, then screeches:] WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! GET TO THE TABLE RIGHT NOW!
Kid 1: Why are you yelling at us?
Kid 2: You're mean, Mommy. [sniffle]
Kid 3: Apple juice?

Why is that when you go to sleep later, you wake up earlier?
That is not fair.  First of all, children need plenty of sleep to be happy and healthy and also not succumb to the urge to be tedious and annoying whiners.  Mommies need children to get plenty of sleep so that they have time to do fun grown up things like fold laundry and pay bills.  So when you fall asleep late, we have to stay up late in order to accomplish those fun grown up things.  And then we are forced to wake up at some ungodly hour of the morning in the manner if a damn rooster and that makes mommy grouchy.

Also, that time in the evening when you are not sleeping and you should be?  That's very important time. That's MY time.  That's the time I have to do things that are hard to accomplish while you are awake. Like having a conversation with another adult. Namely, your father. You know, that attractive man who lives here?  Except by the time you've finally gone to sleep, and I've poured myself a glass of wine, and turned the TV on, and he tries to tell me about his day, I am so tired and brain dead that all our conversations go like this:


Daddy: Isn't that amazing? What do you think that means?
Mommy: Hmmm mmmm...
OK...
grunt.
Apple juice?

And that's all the questions I have, for now....

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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