Monday, May 2, 2011

Quiz: Are You Ready for Disney World?

I recently took my kids to Disney World for the first time and it was pretty awesome. We’re also eating ramen noodles for the reminder of the calendar year but whatevs – we got a picture with Donald Duck dressed as a frontiersman so it was obviously worth it. Here’s a quiz to see if you and your adorable offspring are ready for a trip to meet the mouse.

1. YES or NO: I enjoy hemorrhaging money.

2. YES or NO: My kids think it’s awesome when sunblock melts into their eyes and they get to whine in pain.

3. YES or NO: Waiting in line for several hours is an excellent opportunity to practice meditation and deep breathing.

4. YES or NO: I like to eat all my meals off of plastic cafeteria trays.

5. YES or NO: Failing that, I feel that $50 per person is reasonable for food that is the culinary equivalent of that served at some of the nicer institutional settings in central Florida.

6. YES or NO: I live for those moments when all our hard work and sacrifice have paid off and our children stare at us with large eyes filled with... unmitigated lust for Disney-themed merchandise.

7. YES or NO: I have no problem with the fact that animatronic creatures often veer from cute to terrifying with no notice.

Yes, you will see Princesses. And they will be MAGNIFICENT.
8. YES or NO: Nothing is more important to me than riding Space Mountain about a million times. I will tell my four year to man up, stop crying and get back on that roller coaster because that’s what good moms do.

9. YES or NO: Whenever I am asked the question: “Hot enough for ya?” I always respond by saying: “No. It is never EVER hot enough for me.”

10. YES or NO: When I see an adult person being paid to dress as a Disney character with a ginormous head, I squeal. But I do so silently, on the inside.

11. YES or NO: Walking between 9-14 miles per day in a sub-tropical climate is actually very good for you.

12. YES or NO: I believe in magic.

13. YES or NO: I am prepared for sporadic moments of horrifying ingratitude and brattiness from my children.

14. YES or NO: I am prepared for frequent moments when there are bursting with how happy they are and how much fun they’re having.

15. YES or NO: A vacation should leave you relaxed (due to total physical exhaustion), broke, sunburned, mildly dehydrated and with the complete adoration of your children.

You're done! That wasn't hard, was it? For every YES, give yourself ONE point. Count up your score:

0-5: You should never go to Disney World. Ever. Or Disneyland. Maybe avoid Florida altogether. You should also probably teach your kids about Disney what Lydia has taught hers about Chuck E. Cheese: “Kids, I am sorry to tell you that mommies and daddies are not allowed at Disney World. Only Grandmas and babysitters.”

Tell your husband he can drink all the beer he wants
 5-10: You probably think you’re not ready. But you might be. Consider your next move carefully. Drop a hint to your spouse and offspring. If your husband looks at you as if you have just suggested optional castration without anesthesia, table the discussion until next year. If not, spend several hundred hours researching your vacation on-line. Imagine how happy it will make your kids and think fondly of the memories you’ll be making. Pretend you think it’s ironic that someone as cool as you is even contemplating this. THEN JUST DO IT. Then vomit several times when you realize your children will have to forgo a year of college because of how much money you just spent.

10-15: Dude. You know you’ve already been to Disney World like 50 times. And if you answered yes to all 15 questions then you should just move to Orlando and get yourself a job walking around sweating your ass off, dressed as a cartoon character and telling people to have a magical day. If you fall into this range and you’ve never been to Disney World - take your Auntie Lydia’s advice and go to your happy place.

Because just as soon as our finances recover, I want to go back...

xo, Lydia
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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