Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Stuff Totally Happened In The World...But We Were Busy

It was a busy week around the world. Which we maybe know something about this time because we might even wager a guess that Dora found a way to incorporate recent events into her repertoire. Vamos Boots! First we leave the caves, next we hide in the city and then we go under the sea! Cave! City! Dead! Meanwhile, that monkey has found himself a pair of combat boots.

Still don't know what we're talking about? Here's the weekly news roundup:

Hide & Come Get Me
The most hated man in America, Osama bin Laden, was ferreted out in a raid late on Sunday night. And not, as we imagined, in a dank, dark cave somewhere in the mountains, but in a fancy, three-story house a half a freakin' mile away from Pakistan's premier military academy. Whuck? He lives in a mansion with 18-foot high walls surrounding it and security guards and no one ever bothered to think, "huh? I wonder who's in there." First of all, didn't the people who lived there ever try to welcome the new neighbors? They could have been all, "Hi, we're the McLovins. Here's some banana bread. Maybe you'd like to -- whoa, we just claimed the million dollar reward. Run!"
We totally set your house on fire. Good thing you're in the ocean...

Anyway, the point is, some seriously bad a$$ commando dudes went in and kicked some heinie and we would really like to think that that bearded dude had that moment when they entered the room and he knew he was soooooooooooo busted and maybe he crapped his pants and then we hope he had the worst headache in the history of EVER right after that. Bullets can do that. OH! And then they buried him in the North Arabian Sea so, to those mean people who like blowing up Americans, if you want to go on a pilgrimage, you'll want to find a dinghy. Should take you about 644 years to sail the whole sea. Bye.

Oh yeah...totally would buy it.
Companies selling drugs that falsely claim to prevent, treat or protect against sexually transmitted diseases are the target of a government crackdown announced today. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration and the Federal Trade Commission ordered 11 companies to stop the sale of these bogus -- and totally lame-named -- STD cures or face criminal action. Most of the STD drugs are being sold online, and carry names like Herpaflor, Viruxo, C-Cure and Never An Outbreak. We're super happy that the FDA and USDA are taking a serious look at companies that peddle TicTacs as medicine, but really, if there are people that think that C-Cure is gonna cure their "C" then maybe we should totally start selling them NeverGetNaked pills and make a fortune! Oh, wait. Crap. Stupid FDA.

We think we're gonna start walking everywhere. Gas prices hit another ridiculous high this week, with one station in Chicago breaking the $5 a gallon threshold. Analysts say that rising gas prices bother us more than, say, the rising cost of tomatoes, because we have to stand there and watch the price tick-tick-tick up. Lydia and Kate submit that we're pissed because, hello?, it's like feeding foie gras to our children. We're pretty sure that we can make a concoction of vinegar-ed Pinot Grigio, a crushed up Milky Way, some socks and a dead snake would still make the Big White Tampon still run. But that would involve not drinking the opened bottle of Pinot Grigio long enough for it to turn into vinegar...we blame the oil companies for that.

In sports news, some team beat another team, some dude did something stupid, some other guy complained about his paycheck and that other team sucks. You're Welcome.

...and finally....
Please don't drop the towel.
Remember SodaPop Curtis? Seems that Hollywood star Rob Lowe is grateful for the leaked tape that showed him having sex with two women more than 20 years ago, and playfully wishes he could share in the profits of other celebrity sex videos. Lowe said it "was one of the best things that ever happened to me" and called himself a trailblazer in the sex tape genre. We have to say that, while we LOVE ourselves some Rob Lowe, having such dignified luminaries as Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian follow in your footsteps maybe is a little less about blazing trails and a little more about blazing some rather uncomfortably hot ass-rashes.

OH! But we have just the fix for that. It's called C-Cure.
We totally read about it in the news...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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