Friday, May 27, 2011

Tep Ten Reasons To Dread the OB/GYN

Kate, is this your dentist
or your OB?
Is it in the water or something? In the past two weeks, it seems like everyone we know has either gone to see their ob/gyn or has an appointment coming up. Kate dreads hers for 364 days. Not that her doctor isn't awesome, but within 47 seconds of leaving the last appointment, she's already dreading the next one. Now  she just schedules them every year on the same day as she goes to the dentist, figuring you might as well get all the unpleasantness done on the same day. Though there is always the danger that someone will say "open wider" and she'll forget which doctor she's at and then everyone will be a little uncomfortable

10. We come to you, we get instantly naked, you didn't buy us dinner, usually we haven't had a glass of wine yet, you've just informed us how much we really weigh -- and you wrote it down -- and, at the end,  we. pay. you. It's no wonder that men think you have the best job in the history of the world.

9. No matter how complimentary your doctor is trying to be, and we realize that having this particular phenomenon is a huge plus in their book when it comes to doing their job, there is no way to be flattered by telling us we have "good birthing hips."

8. At one point, you will say, "this may be a little uncomfortable" and then we either experience the thrill of you apparently trying to pop one of our boobs, excavate for dinosaurs with your little tool that must be made of barbed wire and acid, or press so hard that our tonsils threaten to explode out of our ears.  It's a moments like these that we relish the "turn and cough" moment you get to experience every year.

7.  Maybe hide the tray of instruments? Between  far, far too many gels and cremes and "ointments", the 1927 microphone thing-y, the ridiculously long, pointy and oversized Q-tips, AND that thing that looks like a metal duck's face...really? Do we need to see that? The Marquise de Sade would be so lucky.
Dude, is he putting on rubber gloves?

6. For the record, we hate breaking in a new ob/gyn. We've spent 17 minutes in a paper dress with our panties on a chair studying your diplomas to make sure it doesn't say ".com" anywhere on it, and then you come in and five minutes later you're uhhh, down there with your very bright light and saying things like "so, looks like you've had a couple kids in the past few years..." Please, please let it be that you read that on our chart, because otherwise we're left thinking that our hoohahs are so expansive that, if you talk too loudly, we're gonna hear an echo out of there.

5. This phrase: "Please scoot a little closer." We'd prefer not to walk with our ass cheeks. Thank you.

4. While we love a nicely decorated exam room, especially one with calm, soothing pictures of your farm, having a photograph of a rooster on the wall? Ummm, should we really be thinking about c*cks at this moment?

3. In that same vein, how about NOT putting pictures on the ceiling. Yes, we realize that we'll be looking up, but we'd also like to think we'll be in that particular position for such a short amount of time that we don't need the visual entertainment.

2. I know that you and your nurse do this same thing all day long, every day and I only do this once a year. But would it be possible for your nurse not to look bored as you get to third base and I try not to squirm around feeling deeply uncomfortable?  I get that this is no big deal for her, but it would be slightly less awkward for me if she didn't look as if she'd rather be playing Angry Birds. 

1. Please, please please...for the love of Maude. Warm your hands up first. Just not like this:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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