Friday, May 27, 2011

Tep Ten Reasons To Dread the OB/GYN

Kate, is this your dentist
or your OB?
Is it in the water or something? In the past two weeks, it seems like everyone we know has either gone to see their ob/gyn or has an appointment coming up. Kate dreads hers for 364 days. Not that her doctor isn't awesome, but within 47 seconds of leaving the last appointment, she's already dreading the next one. Now  she just schedules them every year on the same day as she goes to the dentist, figuring you might as well get all the unpleasantness done on the same day. Though there is always the danger that someone will say "open wider" and she'll forget which doctor she's at and then everyone will be a little uncomfortable

10. We come to you, we get instantly naked, you didn't buy us dinner, usually we haven't had a glass of wine yet, you've just informed us how much we really weigh -- and you wrote it down -- and, at the end,  we. pay. you. It's no wonder that men think you have the best job in the history of the world.

9. No matter how complimentary your doctor is trying to be, and we realize that having this particular phenomenon is a huge plus in their book when it comes to doing their job, there is no way to be flattered by telling us we have "good birthing hips."

8. At one point, you will say, "this may be a little uncomfortable" and then we either experience the thrill of you apparently trying to pop one of our boobs, excavate for dinosaurs with your little tool that must be made of barbed wire and acid, or press so hard that our tonsils threaten to explode out of our ears.  It's a moments like these that we relish the "turn and cough" moment you get to experience every year.

7.  Maybe hide the tray of instruments? Between  far, far too many gels and cremes and "ointments", the 1927 microphone thing-y, the ridiculously long, pointy and oversized Q-tips, AND that thing that looks like a metal duck's face...really? Do we need to see that? The Marquise de Sade would be so lucky.
Dude, is he putting on rubber gloves?
<>

6. For the record, we hate breaking in a new ob/gyn. We've spent 17 minutes in a paper dress with our panties on a chair studying your diplomas to make sure it doesn't say ".com" anywhere on it, and then you come in and five minutes later you're uhhh, down there with your very bright light and saying things like "so, looks like you've had a couple kids in the past few years..." Please, please let it be that you read that on our chart, because otherwise we're left thinking that our hoohahs are so expansive that, if you talk too loudly, we're gonna hear an echo out of there.

5. This phrase: "Please scoot a little closer." We'd prefer not to walk with our ass cheeks. Thank you.

4. While we love a nicely decorated exam room, especially one with calm, soothing pictures of your farm, having a photograph of a rooster on the wall? Ummm, should we really be thinking about c*cks at this moment?

3. In that same vein, how about NOT putting pictures on the ceiling. Yes, we realize that we'll be looking up, but we'd also like to think we'll be in that particular position for such a short amount of time that we don't need the visual entertainment.

2. I know that you and your nurse do this same thing all day long, every day and I only do this once a year. But would it be possible for your nurse not to look bored as you get to third base and I try not to squirm around feeling deeply uncomfortable?  I get that this is no big deal for her, but it would be slightly less awkward for me if she didn't look as if she'd rather be playing Angry Birds. 

1. Please, please please...for the love of Maude. Warm your hands up first. Just not like this:


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

33 comments:

  1. so i'm chilling in bed and i snorted so loud that i woke up my little that is beside me. i'm dying here. seriously dying here people!

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  2. Ironically, I too just had my fun annual experience and even had a new doctor, which is probably why #6 made me laugh so hard I got naseous, LOL.

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  3. I think a picture over the chair is nice so long as it's like the one in my OBGYN's exam rooms... And by picture I mean a printed out Word document taped to the ceiling with the words "I HATE THIS" in big, bolded letters. No lie. ~Amy T.

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  4. Kate, this is soooo funny. And accurate. Were you secretly crouching in the corner of my Ob/GYN exam last week? Pervert.

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  5. I go to an all female OB/GYN group -- all the doctors, nurses, and assistants are women. It's meant to be that way -- has the word Women as part of its name. I've never had a bad experience in the 11 years I've gone and had four kids along the way. :-) Actually I look forward to the appointments because I like my doctor so much and can't wait to catch up with her. I know, I'm a sexist fool but it really makes a difference.

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  6. Thanks for the good laugh! I recently had my first baby and I think you should make a separate list for the top 10 reasons to dread the OB/GYN whilst preggo. It would have been nice if someone had told me they were going to be "feeling around" in there OFTEN (and that I would be looking forward to it by week 39).

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  7. Hilarious, thanks for making me laugh, even thought it IS the LAST day of school.

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  8. This post reminded me that I haven't scheduled an exam in... how old is my youngest child? Yet another thing to be put on today's to-do list.

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  9. After enduring a jackhole of an ob/gyn for years because he was the best at high risk pregnancies, I finally left him for a woman. This after I expressed my desire for a third child (as I lay on the slab), and he responded by grabbing a handful of the bread dough that is my abdominal skin and SHOOK IT as he told me, "You know, this isn't going to get any better." WHUCK?!
    I haven't been to a male gyn since. The last two practices I've used have been all women, and it is fantastic! There's something about them actually having a vagina that just makes them better in every way.

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  10. uggh, just got done with mine about a week ago,the same woman for the past 4 years. Jan is wonderful! she keeps potholders for the seasons and holidays and makes sure she puts a set on the foot rests so your feet are warm and comfortable. when she walks in, the duckbill thing goes into a warm cup of water in the sink so you're not freezing from the inside out. she has a heater in her exam room right by the table so we're not freezing and she talks to us so much and so happily that before we know it we're in the position and then done. she keeps a wet wipe warmer full of warm wipes for 'after' when you want to clean the goop up. may God bless everybody with an ob/gyn this cheerful/thoughtful/happy/cool!

    before i get people hissing at me, i was in the military for 13 years total, mostly men ob/gyn's who sanded barbed wire with their hands. the last male ob/gyn was at john's hopkins bayview. he was a med student. i was pregnant with number 4. can i take a look he asks? yes? so he leaves the room and comes back a little bit later. as he's working his way through the exam i asked what made him want to become an ob/gyn? he wasn't. he was actually going to be a pediatrician, they just stuck him in that clinic for rotation. after he got done feeling me up and suggesting i call him, i got dressed and found the first available midwife who i stayed with until i moved back home and found Jan at the V.A.

    aims

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  11. and why is it when you go in there for a problem, they shine their nice light on there, pull out the duckbill platypus then they all go mmmm... yes... dude are you figuring out what's going on with my lady parts or taking a freaking picture?! LOL

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  12. I REQUIRED my husband to be present for ALL exams while I was pregnant with my son just so he knew what I had to go through EVERY.DAMN.YEAR.

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  13. OMG I never comment but I am laughing so hard this morning. We moved into a new home where the dining room is decorated with the same pictures as my OB's exam room (we bought the living room and dining room furniture so she left everything but the family pictures). I really need to redo the room because I do have this feeling I need to open up wide everytime I sit down. It's worse as I spent every week at the OB for the last 20 weeks of my pregnancy as I had to have my gall bladder out surgically (as opposed to the nice easy laporscopic surgery that they tried and failed). Then when you think it can't get worse, I had pneumonia when she was born, and a stroke and heart failure a week later. So my last visit to the OB entailed him telling me that more kids were not even a possibility which has further made me hate him (though I think we were done but don't tell a woman she can't do anything). I still haven't been back for my annual and I do love my OB.

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  14. I have had a woman OB and several male OB's - that one woman scarred me from ever seeking another female in the field. She did a lousy job sewing me up after my oldest was born, refused to believe me when I said the epidural wasn't working and I felt every freaking stitch. Then when every stitch popped (I was unaware, just knew I was in excruciating pain), she told her nurse to tell me it was fine. I insisted on seeing her and she was surprised to find her handiwork was botched. So she supposedly gave me enough numbing to "sink a horse" and I got to feel every stitch yet again. I didn't go back and found my latest male OB.

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  15. I love my OBGYN. He is awesome. He comes in and talks to you *before* you get naked, leaves while you get undressed, comes back for the exam (which is never painful - his technique is excellent), leaves again so you can get dressed, then comes back and talks to you again. He never tries to carry on a conversation while you don't have any drawers on. I am in the minority, and prefer NOT to go to a female doctor, because they tend to be rough and their technique sucks in general. The male doctors I've been to are more gentle. But my particular doctor is awesome and I wouldn't switch to anybody else. I don't dread going to see him. And as an added bonus, not only is he a great doctor, he is HOT! If you're going to have somebody poking around down there, he might as well be good looking, right?

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  16. This is too funny!!! Unsweetened Me's comment is mine, too! I haven't been back since Mirena and I became instant best friends a few weeks after my youngest was born.....hmmm, maybe it's time? Nah!

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  17. #5 - totally the worst part for me. NO, I don't want my a** hanging off the table! And while we're at it - NO, I don't want to open my knees a little wider!

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  18. @Stacy W. - we must have the same OBGYN. I agree with everything you said - verbatim. I kinda look forward to it. Hey, gotta get my thrills somewhere!

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  19. I just had my last child and as part of the exam, I was tested for HPV. The test came back negative, so I don't have to have another exam until 2013. Once every three years for me.

    Love #5 - so true!

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  20. Just so you all know, you can have an exam lying on your side with your top leg pulled up. It's far more comfortable and less degrading than the typical stirrup type exam. I insist on them. One asshole doc said, "We only do those for assault victims". I said, "So, for about 10 to 20 percent of your patients?" He looked at me blankly then said, "Okay, so I guess we can make an exception." *sigh* I said, "How do you know I'm an exception?" He blinked about 20 times and said, "Oh."

    He put the ass in classy, that's for sure.

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  21. Slide forward, relax -- before I jam this ice-cold spatula up your wahzoo.
    And girls, you youngsters. The whole thing gets shit load more demeaning in your late 40s. Especially when the doc is barely out of a training bra.

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  22. I get asked if the students can come in and watch because "I am easy". Huh? What do you mean I am easy? They had to backtrack and explain that since I don't tense up I am the perfect patient for them to watch. I have hyper-moblility so my joints allow for my legs to fall open, to try to hold them up is actually painful. But to be told that you are easy at that exam, not such a good thing.

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  23. You need to add, "Please don't talk to me over the top of the paper sheet that's draped over my nether regions. I'm trying to pretend you're not down there!"

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  24. I had to bring my 2 year old son to my OBGYN appointment recently. . . heck, he goes every week. I think he likes it.
    http://cestlaviemdw3437.blogspot.com/2011/04/future-gynecologist.html

    Anyhow, my son kept playing with the stirrups and the bendy flashlight (which he calls a "fleshlight") and stealing speculums from the drawer.

    My doctor saw what he was doing, slapped him lightly on the back and said, "Good for you, son, we don't have enough male OBGYNs in the profession anymore." He turned to me and said, "He might have a future in medicine, but you'll probably want to keep him near your head. We don't want him to have that particular anatomy lesson yet." LOL

    Sigh. I wasn't dialated at all.

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  25. Too funny! I just went too! It must be in the water.

    What I want to know is, why are there so many men in this field? What really is the appeal? I just don't get it.

    It is always awkward when they talk to you too, about work and such.

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  26. In regards to #6, at one of my very first exams, I went to the same doctor my mother went to and while down there he said, "You look very familiar, do I know you?" He had delivered my sister. Completely creeped me out - didn't go back to him again.

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  27. Two things:

    1. You haven't lived until you've had a "questionable pap" and they have to do a punch biopsy. My Gyn's favorite phrase? "The cervix has no feeling, but you might want to pop 3 Aleve before you come in."

    First - Let me punch you in YOUR cervix and you tell me if you feel it. Oh? You don't have a cervix? I had no idea!

    Second - Is Aleve paying you to pimp them out EVERY FREAKING VISIT? I hope the kickback is worth it because really? The Aleve doesn't help AT ALL after you've used a claw toy to rip chunks out of my cervix that has "no feeling".

    2. My mom has a friend who's terrified of her annual to the point it makes her physically ill. They're both nurses and she works in his office (awkward much?) so anyway, he's totally conservative in everything. His wife's super religious and pre-scans anything that makes it in to the office magazine wise, music wise, etc... So you are NOT finding a People or an US magazine in there because she doesn't approve of Snooki, and the music that's supposed to be "soothing" is relatively creepy and sets your teeth on edge. So one time to relax my mom's friend her co-workers took down the kitten stuck in a tree poster that usually hangs on the ceiling (I can not make this up if you're wondering) and pasted it with porn until they saw him coming. By the time he got there she was laughing so hard he had to re-schedule her exam.

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  28. LOL!! I am headed there in 45 minutes and will probably still be laughing!

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  29. I just snorted into my coffee! This was the day I was at the OB/GYN & then trotted over to the hospital to give birth. oh man. good times...

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  30. i am a young, female ob/gyn and i just googled "my job is awesome ob/gyn" and this was the 5th site. i actually really do think my job is awesome. i also didn't know that patients thought the majority of these things, but from the comments I see that everyone pretty much agrees with your feelings. good to know. for the record, i always thought it was a good idea to have a where's waldo on the ceiling, but I guess i'll take mine down now.

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  31. I used to hate my now OB, she's generally friendly but I dreaded it cause she always brought up my weight, that's not why I'm here shut up is what I always wanted to say. I realized she would say this after seeing my horrible stretch marks courtsey of now 12 year old and she asked, "You've had a child right?" LIke it doesn't say it in my file that you just put down but "Yes I have." After that nothing. Apparently a flabby belly is okay if you've had a kid in her opinion. That was a while ago and ever since she's been delightful and I don't mind my appointments at all. Not even when they have a med student, they gotta learn somehow right?

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