Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Top Ten: How to Not Lose Your Schmidt

It seems like there are days when we are constantly right on the edge of losing our ever lovin' minds at
our kids. Whether it's because there's a lovely melange of raw eggs, cereal and grape juice all over the freshly mopped kitchen floor, or I've spent the whole morning doing eight hundred loads of laundry because two boys used my bed linens as a muddy slip-n-slide, or that there's no more hot water and now I have to take a prison shower.

We need Mom-tested, proven ways to ratchet down the Schmidt Advisory Chart. Mostly because the highest level is red, and we spend a lot of time there. So it's either find some ways to get back down to Orange or Yellow, or we need to add Maroon and Black to our chart and frankly, our to do list is long enough without having to create a new refrigerator magnet.

10. Give yourself a time out. Go sit in the corner in The Thinking Chair. Bring a glass of wine. Try to pretend like you're not enjoying yourself.

9. The two most beautiful words in the English language... Early bedtime.

8. Dunk cotton balls in several bowls of ice water. Strategically place in hard-to-reach places throughout the house. Launch at will. They're like giant spit balls. They splat and they're easy to clean up.

7. Suggest a game of hide and seek. Volunteer to be the seeker. Take your time.

6. The playground is free. GO THERE.  If its raining, go to the library but be prepared to pretend you have no idea who those horrible, noisy children belong to.

5. Release the Kraken.

4. Make them play outside. If they complain that outside is boring, then hide a dollar in a leftover Easter egg and hide it in the yard. Make it hard to find. Relax in a lawn chair while they search feverishly.

No and No'er.
3. Dance Party. Not with lame-o kid music either. Rock out loud and long so that when its over they're completely exhausted and charmingly subdued and quiet.

2. Suggest something so wrong and outlandish that your children will volunteer to clean their rooms. "Hey! Let's go to the hardware store and get some chainsaws and then buy some hockey masks and then stare through people's windows. And maybe then we can set the house on fire!" And the kids will be all, "hey, we might just wanna do our homework instead, but thanks Mom. Do you maybe wanna take a nap?"

1. To quote the brilliant and amazing Pregnant Chicken: "Too bad there isn't a magical box that plays friendly pictures and sounds to distract them for a few minutes... Wait. What?"


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

32 comments:

  1. My mom use to make "snowballs" out of panty-hose and cotton balls. She would allow us to launch these at each other while she sat by and smiled... I'm pretty sure she also invented the "clothespin-wars" where we tried to get the most clothespins on each other before someone started to cry... She was a very wise and sneaky mother...

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  2. genuinely- the dollar in the easter egg thing- that's brilliant.

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  3. Huh... I am currently in my timeout spot with coffee and you guys. Would have wine, but I think at 8 am, the school people would look at me funny.

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  4. This level of brilliance is blinding. I am hiding eggs and soaking cotton balls as I type.

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  5. As evidenced on Easter, the Squirrels in my yard think the eggs are for THEM - they CHEWED through the plastic of several, opened others and I just found another in the yard yesterday that apparently was kicked out of a nest... and I compared my now 8 month old to a terrorist when he was an infant - so this really made me laugh!

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  6. #7. I once forgot they were hiding.

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  7. All genius ideas, but dammit, I forgot where I left my Kraken. Maybe the kids hid it! I laughed out loud at that one. Oh, and I don't know about #2. I can see my kids being all over wearing hockey masks and peering into windows AND playing with fire. I'll have to modify that one by suggesting going to the hardware store to get something for a productive day of helping me...THAT would get them out of my hair!

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  8. Yes. #4 is BRILLIANT and I'm totally trying that today.

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  9. My kids would LOVE the Hardware store idea...and they're only 1 and 3. I'm in soooooo much trouble when they get older...

    ~Cat

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  10. Don't forget the Dead Horse Game! Tell them all to lie on the floor, pretending to be dead horses. The first one to move or make a sound, loses the the game. Make the prize something outrageous like Getting to Keep and Chew all the Gum in Mommy's Purse or Getting to Mix Mommy's Afternoon Martini!
    Me Love Dead Horse!

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  11. Headmistress YcaMay 11, 2011 at 8:36 AM

    #2 would not work in my house ... blasted pyros. :P

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  12. Cici - me too!

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  13. kraken, love it. i stuff the cotton balls in my ears and drink the wine. when the noise level is to loud it's early bedtime, for me. and as for number 1, i actually went back to school becuase the guy in the blue shirt on the wiggles was looking GOOD. true story.

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  14. Wow, such good timing on this post! Last night I yelled so loudly at my kids, I put myself in a time-out with TEQUILA and coke. Yes, it was that sort of night. A t-box just wasn't going to cut it. Now, for next time, I just need to locate a kraken....:-)

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  15. Ah, K&L,

    You have no idea how apt the timing on this post is. I just posted about being the mean mommy that I typically throw dirty looks at in the stores. Thanks for the assurance I'm not alone in the "I want to change my name from mommy to broccoli cause then I know my kids would leave me alone, fo-sho."

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  16. LOL @ changing your name to broccoli. Touché!

    So on everyone's grocery list today is a kracken, eh? Wonder if there's a BOGO deal on them. I need two at least for mine are acting like children of the corn.

    And #1 I have to stand up and applaud for! Again, touché...

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  17. My kids would enjoy the wrong and outlandish of #2. I'm pretty certain I'll be trying #8 today. Nothing like pelting a teenager with a wet cotton ball!

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  18. We use #3 quite frequently. Usually right after dinner to tire them out so that #9 can actually happen. Thank Maude they actually like dance music (either 80's or actual club music on the cable dance channel). Unfortunately, they feel the need to strip down to their underwear/diaper to engage in the dance party. While this is somewhat disturbing, I have taken enough video footage and photos to have blackmail material well into their teen years. "Gonna break curfew again? Well then momma's gonna show that video of you in your Spidey underpants jamming to Footloose the next time your friends/girlfriend come over."

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  19. My mother's day card from my mom had a picture of a woman in the kitchen (obviously in the 50's because she was made up, in heels and an apron -- bitch) talking to her child. The front said "No, really, go hide. I'll come find you" The inside said "Get some peace and quiet any way you can!"

    Unfortunately, the little monsters get wise to that game pretty quickly. Great list! (Now, where did I leave that Kraken?)

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  20. I swear you guys have a camera in my house. My Facebook status last night was: Today is one of those days my kids are trying to find out if I will actually commit a crime or not.
    And they were in bed at 6:37 pm.

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  21. I think maybe FROZEN cotton balls might work at my house! and a velcro wall : just saying!

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  22. I hear ya.

    The surprise visit to a pet store.
    Calmed the savage beasts everytime...on both ends.

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  23. We do the dance party thing and for the most part it's great. The problem is, my three year old insists that we dance together, meaning I hold her in my arms. The end result is she's even wilder and I want to pass out on the floor. With wine. Someone let me know if you find a good deal on a Kraken.

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  24. I'm starting the "for every 2 things you pick up and put away, you get a nickel." ploy...So far it's worked on my 5yo. Let's see how much the 7yo wants...

    And I'll be enjoying a Long Island Ice Tea while the dear husband shuttles them both to baseball tonight.

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  25. I can tell you that we used to do #3 ALL the time in my house when I was growing up and some of my best childhood memories came from it. Mommy keeps her cool, kids create lasting memories. Win. Win.

    #2 made me laugh out loud so hard that it became very obvious that I was reading blogs instead of doing work. So thanks. Bitches.

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  26. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA I almost choked on my coffee when I got to #5. Release the Kraken.

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  27. I love it. I think I may need to print the list off... lol.

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  28. I'm still trying to find one of those tranquilizer guns like Jim used on "Wild Kingdom." Evidently, that's the one thing Amazon.com does NOT sell. Dammit.

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  29. OH!!! Bedtime, Melatonin, naturally in your body, helps you sleep. cut our nightly GO TO SLEEP OR I'LL Let CPS TAKE YOU fights down from 3 hours to 30 minutes. Pediatrician (with 5 kids) recommended it. give it to them 20 minutes before bedtime routine and silence will soon be yours! works good for naps too!

    aims

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  30. I am dying over the hidden egg idea. You guys are like navy SEALS crossed with ninjas: Furkin' AWESOME and sneaky as schmidt.

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  31. Oh good god no. Not the playground. The playground is the perfect place for me to completely lose my schmidt. I hate the flippin' playground. The perfect bitch moms, all dressed in clean clothes, clearly having showered in the last month, wearing matching earrings. And their perfect well-behaved children, "Mom? Would you be so kind as to push me on the swing? I simply need a start and then I can use my legs to pump myself. I will safely dismount in about 10 minutes." Those kids. Stepford kids. Meanwhile, one of my kids is trying to put his head in the mouth of the stray dog who wandered in, and the other one is taking a leak down the slide. Schmidt lost.

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