Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Top Ten: How to Not Lose Your Schmidt

It seems like there are days when we are constantly right on the edge of losing our ever lovin' minds at
our kids. Whether it's because there's a lovely melange of raw eggs, cereal and grape juice all over the freshly mopped kitchen floor, or I've spent the whole morning doing eight hundred loads of laundry because two boys used my bed linens as a muddy slip-n-slide, or that there's no more hot water and now I have to take a prison shower.

We need Mom-tested, proven ways to ratchet down the Schmidt Advisory Chart. Mostly because the highest level is red, and we spend a lot of time there. So it's either find some ways to get back down to Orange or Yellow, or we need to add Maroon and Black to our chart and frankly, our to do list is long enough without having to create a new refrigerator magnet.

10. Give yourself a time out. Go sit in the corner in The Thinking Chair. Bring a glass of wine. Try to pretend like you're not enjoying yourself.

9. The two most beautiful words in the English language... Early bedtime.

8. Dunk cotton balls in several bowls of ice water. Strategically place in hard-to-reach places throughout the house. Launch at will. They're like giant spit balls. They splat and they're easy to clean up.

7. Suggest a game of hide and seek. Volunteer to be the seeker. Take your time.

6. The playground is free. GO THERE.  If its raining, go to the library but be prepared to pretend you have no idea who those horrible, noisy children belong to.

5. Release the Kraken.

4. Make them play outside. If they complain that outside is boring, then hide a dollar in a leftover Easter egg and hide it in the yard. Make it hard to find. Relax in a lawn chair while they search feverishly.

No and No'er.
3. Dance Party. Not with lame-o kid music either. Rock out loud and long so that when its over they're completely exhausted and charmingly subdued and quiet.

2. Suggest something so wrong and outlandish that your children will volunteer to clean their rooms. "Hey! Let's go to the hardware store and get some chainsaws and then buy some hockey masks and then stare through people's windows. And maybe then we can set the house on fire!" And the kids will be all, "hey, we might just wanna do our homework instead, but thanks Mom. Do you maybe wanna take a nap?"

1. To quote the brilliant and amazing Pregnant Chicken: "Too bad there isn't a magical box that plays friendly pictures and sounds to distract them for a few minutes... Wait. What?"

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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