Friday, May 20, 2011

Top Ten Reasons We're Ready for the Apocalypse

Did you know tomorrow is the end of the world? It totally is...and you know what, we're not that upset about it. Sure, it would have been nice to see the most recent episode of Glee that's waiting for me on TiVo and Oprah's Final Show [Editor's Note: Wait, I sense a conspiracy theory here...Oprah says she's ending her show, but the universe says otherwise. The world is gonna end with three un-aired episodes in the can. Seems only fitting... - Kate] But, there's some other things that maybe make the apocalypse seem kinda like a really good idea: 

10. I didn't want to fold that f*cking laundry anyway.

9. If the world is ending tomorrow, anyway, there's really no reason not to finish the bottle.
Lydia, do you even KNOW how to smoke?

8. I'll take two packs of Marlboro lights, please.

7. I just told my mother in law to suck it. And I'm about to call her back and do it again.

6. You know what I'm wearing on my way to hell? PajamaJeans. [How nice. Your "pants" will be so happy to be back home where they belong. Please, please tell me they'll burn in fire. Please tell me they'll burn in fire. Please tell me those f**kers will buuuuuuurn.  - Kate]

5. We took the CDC's advice and we're all ready for a zombie apocalyspe. In fact, we're looking forward to it because we both have PMS and it means we get to hit things with bats.

4. Remember my douchebag neighbor with the pit bulls and the 3am fireworks and the huge parties?  Guess who's getting Barry Manilow and Lionel Ritchie blasted in his bedroom window all night long (allll niiiight)?

3. Hello, Jimmy Choo? Yes, send me everything you've got. Six and a half. American Express number? Sure thing, here you go...I'll be paying that off, oh, right around the first of Never.

2. Kids, let's listen to some Lil Wayne. Suuuuuuure, of course you can say "mutherf**ker" -- it's in the song, isn't it?

1. Let's see... The best part? After a dozen years, I get the house to myself. Finally... Even if I am a zombie. I'm totally gonna watch Oprah. Zombie Oprah.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. Is it weird that I think Oprah looks really hot as a zombie? Living dead looks good on her! Go on with your sexy bad zombie self, Oprah!

  2. Also? I really, REAAALLLLYYY want to do #7.

  3. How is it possible that zombie Oprah looks kinda hot?

  4. LAUGHING!!! Toasting you both with a big-ass pitcher of mojitos. The pitcher is my glass tonight...because is this is my last 24 hours on earth then, Maudedammit, I'm going down with love in my heart and rum in my blood!

  5. woooo! Number 7 ftw! lmao!
    Love this post!

  6. 1. let the nonbelievers scoop the cat box.
    2. i see no point in doing ANY housework. let the zombies worry about the thing hiding behind the leftovers.
    4. toss some exlax infused tbones over the neighbors' fence for their dogs before the manilow blast. may i also suggest the no talent ass clown aka michael bolton?
    5. Zombie Oprah looks hot because of the icy blue eyes of determination. She can rip your head off AND recommend a best seller!!!

    love aims

  7. I've been going back and forth all day about cleaning the house. I'm leaning towards saying eff it and letting it be annihilated in the apocalypse. The piles of crap all over the place will make for an interesting burn pattern. Or something.

  8. @aims... It may not make you love him... but it will make you laugh:

    K&L - Made me laugh... but I do have a long term zombie phobia (only wish that was a joke!) and all the z-pics out in the past week are totally freaking me! Can't drown End of World sorrows since I am 7 months preg with #5... and just in case I don't want to birth her stumbling and mumbling like zombie baby in Dawn of the Dead. You to can have my case of margaritas, yeah? Cheers!

  9. @anonymous, you're right, i literally laughed out loud and will now unleash this on the TRI STATE AREA!!!! 0.0 i mean facebook.

  10. you two make me laugh out loud.




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