Monday, May 9, 2011

Watched the News? Whuck? No. So, What Happened?

After a week of news that actually managed to break through the haze of Dora, homework, school and the clusterf**k that is May [Editor's Note: What is it about the month of May? We have more crap to do in this month than we have in January thru April put together. - Kate] we have reverted back to watching the twin channels of Nickelodeon and ESPN. Which means Kate is once again perfecting the art of shoving nail files into her eyeballs. Is baseball over yet? And, if not, can we just borrow a bat real quick and take it to Dora's oversized head? Even better, we'll give it to the monkey, and trust that he'll do the right thing. Batter Up!

Other stuff that happened in the world this week:

Take Two...Take Three...Take Seventy-Six
The U.S. government has released five videos of that newly dead guy that they found when US SEALS raided his compound last Sunday night. It seems that, not only was Osama bin Laden confined to the compound for the past six years or so, but that he could only walk around outside for an hour or two every day. Factor in that his "home" had few windows, barely any furniture and was surrounded by high walls with barbed wire around it, and wow, it sure sounds like a prison to us. Haha. Ass.

Now, with the videos being released, including one that shows him huddled up in a blanket and watching himself on the video. In another video, he misses his cue -- "Uh, what's my next line, Akmed?" -- and in a third, the murthurfurkin' lights go out in the middle of his tirade. Haha. Douchebag. We sorta think that was GOD telling him to stick a sock in it already.

We Had No Idea. Is That Elvis?! Just Kidding. What Were We Talking About?
In other news, the White House is asking Pakistan for access to talk with bin Laden's widows, who are now in Pakistani custody following the raid. They're hoping the three women may divulge if bin Laden and his group were being protected and hidden by anyone within the Pakistani government. Meanwhile, the Pakistani Foreign Ministry has not given the CIA access to the wives, with some members of the Pakistani military instead criticizing the US for going into Pakistani airspace to conduct the raid without informing the government ahead of time. And, while serious questions still linger about how the most wanted man in the world was able to live in an enormous house a nine-iron away from the biggest Pakistani military academy, Pakistan says they're confident that, despite refusing to identify intelligence officers who were super close to bin Laden, they didn't know anything about anything and would really really like it if the US would instead focus on this shiny, shiny thing they're holding over here in their other hand. OH! Pretty....

If You Change My Mind, I'm the First in Line
In yet another *bold* move, former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani said he's a definite "maybe" when it comes to running for the presidency in 2012. Drawing from the presidency of Ronald Reagan, Giuliani said the US needs to return to American exceptionalism, telling a crowd of lawyers that the most important thing a leader does is tell his nation's people how to feel about themselves. Dude. You haven't even figured out how you feel about actually running for office. Maybe? Really?  As for the exceptionalism, it all sounds good, but we fear that we're going to hear stuff like, "We'd really like to cut taxes, except..." and "We want universal health care, except..." and "Well, I am a happily married man, except..." and then Judith will whack you with a bat that she borrowed from that monkey, and THAT, my friends, would be exceptional.

So Happy Together
After a bumpy road of negotiations, it seems that Little Miss Moon Bat Whack-A-Doodle herself, Paula Abdul, is going back behind the judge's table and back to business [Eww, that sounded porny didn't it? Oops. -Kate] and is reuniting with Simon Cowell on The X Factor. 

Abdul, whose position on X Factor was uncertain up until the moment she arrived at the taping, brushed off the controversy surrounding her last-minute decision, instead choosing to focus on the upside of her new gig: teaming back up with the snobby Brit after an extended. separation. "It will have been 3 years since we sat next to each other," she told reporters, adding, "It's awkward and wonderful at the same time." We totally agree with the awkward part.


...and finally...
The Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour is over! Oh, wait. Don't celebrate just yet...seems that Tiger Blood himself, Charlie Sheen, has decided to take his show overseas. He told a Sydney radio station that he was planning to revamp his show a bit and take it overseas to Australia, parts of Europe and Asia. Sheen said that the European mentalities would give him more time and a little more patience to actually listen, and not "heckle me like the drunk clowns that they are..."

Dear Australia, parts of Europe and Asia,


We f**king apologize for this ass hat. But, can you keep him? Please?


Love, America.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

6 comments:

  1. As far as Giuliani goes, I already have some doubts about his mental stability. The man has an obsession with ferrets.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxLP6ni8vVo

    Watch it... you've never laughed so hard.

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  2. I no longer watch the news. I just read your posts. It's totally the same thing. Except funny. And without weather predictions.

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  3. Kate, can you start calling me each morning with this type of update? I would seem sooooo much smarter at the playground...

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  4. Dudes, what about the Canadian election? We just gave Dubya Jr a majority. Universal healthcare is about to leave the building.... =P

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  5. Honestly, Charlie Sheen may be a complete douchebag, but the "Winning Recipes" skit he did on FunnyorDie.com was freaking hilarious. That said, I'll just stick to his old stuff ('Hot Shots' anybody?) and do my best to forget about his tiger blood...

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  6. What a profoundly shallow society we live in.

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