Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Domestic Enemies of the New Mom

Kate & Lydia were very happy to get this hilarious post, as it chronicles the Domestic Enemies of the New Mom. Here's a little blurbitty blurb about about today's Special Guest Writer:

"I'm the New Mom on the Blog. I've always been an avid blog reader, but never really had any inspiration to write my own.

Then, I had a kid.  Now I'm finding inspiration everyday.

I'm a working mom of an almost one year old living in St. Louis and chronicling all of the ways a parent can fail in that scary first year. (For example: locking the baby in a rental car.) I imagine around the time I finally feel like I have the hang of this motherhood thing, my husband will star bugging me for #2. We'll see about that, mister."

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Baby Stuff
For something that comes out weighing less than a Thanksgiving turkey, babies sure do come with a lot of crap. The actual use and implementation of this stuff is often the first moment of panic any New Mom experiences - and often before the baby even arrives. Remember when Rachel on Friends had a baby shower where she held up a breast pump and asked, "Is this a bong for the baby?" Actually happened to me. Only it was with lanolin cream. Holding it up, I innocently asked a room full of co-workers (one of whom was my MALE boss) what it was. And then I received a short lesson on the importance of nipple care in the first months of breast feeding. I also learned why alcohol should always be served at baby showers.

Diapers
The very first diaper change of my entire life was on my son. I know that I am not the only New Mom to have the same complete lack of experience when it comes to diaper changing. And not only was it my very first diaper change - it was also the meconium diaper change. I describe that diaper change as "trying to get the white off rice." It involved several clean diapers, an entire package of diaper wipes, 3-4 washcloths, and a full size towel. Oh, and there were THREE of us working on it. And if the actual changes don't completely baffle you, the sheer volume of diaper use in the first few weeks will knock. you. out. I remember thinking to myself at some point in the first week of motherhood - So. This is my life now. I change diapers. Great.

The Internet
Ha. Yes. I know as a blogger, I am such a hypocrite, but SERIOUSLY. In my very first semester of college, I had a professor give an amazing description of the Internet. She said, "Doing research on the Internet is like taking all of the books in the biggest library on campus, ripping out all of the pages, scattering them in the middle of a large room, and then telling you to go find your subject." She should have also mentioned that some of those "books" might have been written by any old crazy person with a keyboard and WiFi access. I have read some of the stupidest advice from the billions of mommy-centric forums out there. Every time I Google a "new mom question," I find myself feeling even more confused (or downright scared) than when I started. And no matter how reputable the source and how mundane the topic of interest, someone almost always manages to go all Crazytown, USA and start debating about vaccinations, breast feeding, or the dangers of allowing your children to play with toys made in China. (News flash, Crazytown - they're ALL made in China.) Also? I work in a hospital and read charts all day long and I still cannot keep all of your murtherfurking abbreviations straight. DS, DD, FF, EP... How about this? STFU.

Veteran Moms
Don't get me wrong. You Veteran Mommies are often our saving grace with your wealth of knowledge and experience. But, can I be honest with you? It seems like the further away from that first year a mom gets, the more she forgets how difficult it can be. (Probably because she's focusing on how damn hard it is to be the mother of a toddler or 5 year old or...teenager.) A VM is often the person behind the phrase "Just you wait..." And let me tell ya, VMs: that phrase is not nice and needs to be removed from everyone's vocabulary. VMs have a tendency to brush off some of our New Mom problems because they know in the end it will all be okay. And maybe it will be. But, listen, New Moms? We don't know that. And we could use a little validation here. Or at least a hug. Or a drink. Also, if one more VM tells me to "sleep when he sleeps," I. am. going. to. square. up.

Perfect Mommy
Though she is Domestic Enemy Number One to all moms, New Moms seem to struggle more with Perfect Mommy. I think it's because some of us still believe that some day we may actually be able to be her. We try to keep up. Try to read all of the whackadoodle books she suggests, try to keep our house obsessively clean, and take our kids to four different play groups as well as a classical music class. All while managing to keep our hair magazine-perfect. Eventually, we'll pop out a few more kiddos, realize that perfection is for the birds (or the insane), and will kick back with a nice glass of wine to numb the pain of listening to Perfect Mommy tell you for the 800th time about her kid's ability to speak in conversational Spanish. Muy bueno, Madre Perfecto. Pass the T-Box, por favor.

Exhaustion/Mommy Brain
This is another universal enemy, but New Moms also struggle with the belief delusion that it will eventually go away. HA. My baby slept through the night consistently starting at once he turned 8 weeks old, but I'm still trying to make up for those 8 weeks. I'm guessing that I'll finally start to feel well-rested again around the time my son and his wife ask me to babysit their kid. Of course, by then I'll be able to consider myself a Veteran Mommy and I'll be all like, "BRING IT, KIDS."

[Editor's note: Your baby started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks? I'm very happy for you! I'm also flipping you the double birds. xo, Lydia]

The Unknown
The book is called What to Expect, but really it should be called Expecting The Worst Possible Fate for You and Your Family. Basically, all we learn to do is anticipate hypothetical situations for which there is no right/wrong way to act or react. Which really just results in us doing what all moms do best - we worry. Why isn't my baby talking yet? What if it's bacterial mennigitis? What do I do when daycare calls and tells me he's "The Biter"? A Veteran Mommy might have some old tricks up her sleeve or at least has gone through the same situation with another kid or a worse situation with the same kid. A New Mom has no frame of reference, so instead she is sitting in a corner rocking herself and eating her own hair. The Unknown is terrifying.

Doubt
Absolutely everyone, even non-parents, have moments where they doubt themselves and the decisions they are making, but with a New Mom - you're doubting EVERYTHING. I actually remembering making the Sign of the Cross over myself (and the baby, if I'm being honest here) after I gave him his first dose of Benadryl. And that was after I consulted several different moms, our daycare provider, the pharmacist, several nurses in my pediatricians office, as well as the pediatrician himself. All of whom gave me the "go ahead" on a small dose of Benadryl. Then I proceeded to stay awake the entire night checking on the baby to see if he had stopped breathing.

In truth, if I've learned anything in my first short year of being a mommy - it's to know the good advice, know the bad advice, and be totally willing to throw it all out the window and just trust my instincts. The Unknown, Mommy Brain, Perfect Mommies, and sleep deprivation might cloud your judgment from time to time and allow doubt to sneak in, but in the end - the only thing your baby really, really needs is love. And it doesn't matter how "new" you are - you are THE. BEST. person for the job.

Failing all that? Always stock an emergency bottle of wine. Always.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

55 comments:

  1. love the domestic enemies, and yay, one more blog to add my to addiction of reading blogs. woop!

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  2. Exhaustion, confusion, anxiety, fear, safety threats to new baby ... all of these are made much worse by consuming alcohol; four references to booze in this blog but not one to exercise, meditation, counseling. No wonder there's so much stress.

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    Replies
    1. You have got to be kidding me! This is a very valid attempt to provide some light-hearted insight into a serious phase of life - not an advise column. Smile and enjoy it - then go write your own "real" self help advise elsewhere. Some people were born to be wet blankets *sheesh*

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    2. There is always one in a bunch....the kid no one wanted at their birthday, the kill joy, and yes, the tattle tale...that is the person who grows up to write things like that...exercise (I carry laundry up and down the stairs daily and chase my toddler out of the bathroom when I notice she wants to use the toilet brush in her hair), meditation (seriously? do you even have children?) counseling (sounds like you could have used some). Stick that in your pipe and smoke in and stop peeing in everyones pool. Debbie downer be gone!!!

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    3. Lols. Let's face it. Alcohol consumption goes up :). We need to see other women's weaknesses (or, i do) so that we can face another day without begging someone who seems perfect to take our children and save them from us! Isolation is crazy-making. Yes. Women are sooo led to believe they are neurotic. only by comparing, seeing, themselves in other women do we realize we are pretty normal. Deep breath.
      As for meditation, little tip, i do it while rocking my son before naps and bedtime. Count your breaths to 10, then start over. Forgive yourself for how much your mind wanders while you do this. Treat your monkey mind as gently as you would treat a toddler toddling from the path of...back to the breath, sweetheart, one...two...three...That wine's gonna be great...oops! let's start over...one, two, three.

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  3. I think I have seriously used the last phrase to both of my children. Wine (or gin) is essential. At one point during my early mommy time (oldest was around 6 weeks) my dh came downstairs to find the baby and I watching 'Silence of the Lambs' and was concerned about both of our mental health. My take on it was, 'good movie, he won't remember, and it's the only thing on at 5 am, so screw you.'

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  4. I swear to the heavens that I just wrote on my blog how my house is NEVER clean, and how I am ready to raise the white undie flag in the air...lol

    Anyhow I was so nutty when my Bubs was born that I stayed up for the better part of 4 days. The whole spit-up thing freaked me the hell out. I was so scared that he was going to choke to death! If it was not for my sister telling me that she would watch over Bubs so I could get a nap I would of totally cracked. Finally I said screw it got him out of his bassenet into the crib where I have one of those alarms where if he stops breathing it will go off. Totally calmed me down. Now only if I could get a WHOLE day to clean I would be a happy camper.

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  5. "alcohol should always be served at baby showers." - I get to cheat!! *blows raspberry* as an adoptive mom to be- *I* can drink at my baby shower! Actually I'm scared. The guys are throwing a shower. At a bar. Did someone forget to tell them it's NOT a bachelor party? -forget the wine- pass the Scotch!

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  6. The phrase "just wait until..." makes my blood boil. Everything about parenting is hard and really, we should support, listen and advise, and not immediately expound on how much harder OUR life is. There is this caregiver at my daughters mothers day out that after everything you tell her (Sally didnt sleep well last night, so she may be tired later...) she follows with, "wait til they are teenagers..." drives me batty.

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  7. @ Anonymous. This is a blog for people with a sense of humour; including a sense of humour about alcohol consumption and parenting. If you don't have a sense of humour, this may not be the right blog for you. If you are still unsure, you may want to check out their "Is This The Right Blog For You" tab.
    Also, writing as "anonymous" is kind of a cop out.

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  8. Anonymous @ 1:22 a.m.---this is a humor blog. Don't be judgy.

    Awesome---but yeah, when I was a New Mom I laughed at the 'sleep when they sleep' advice. As a Veteran? I wish I had taken it! LOL

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  9. Wow, anon #1! I think the author is being a little "tongue in cheek". You should take your own advice I think - relax!!! Let's just try and all be on the same Mommy-team, mmmkay!! :)

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  10. Totally crying here - a few reasons. 1. This is so true. 2. It's so true, in fact, that my life is on this blog. I seriously thought I was the only delusional, emotional, doubting, crazy, exhausted, and completely clueless new mom. But, don't we all? Don't we?! 3. Alcohol at baby showers should be mandated. 4. Perfect mom gets me every time - and I hate her.

    But I love this blog.

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  11. Love it! As a VM of 4.5 years it may encourage you to know that I am still nerotic enough to check to make sure that oldest child of mine is still breathing before I go to bed...yeah.

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  12. My SIL is the "perfect mommy".........I need a pallet of t boxes just to get through a choppy, blue tooth in her perfect minivan convo with her!!

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  13. Love it, New Mom :). Proud to already be a follower of yours. Now I need to add Rants from Mommyland to my blog roll. Hilarious! You always say everything I wish I could say :)

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  14. Anonymous - take a joke. These are meant to be funny. I think maybe you need a drink :)

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  15. Dear Perfect Mommy,
    Instead of using your free time to brag(and because you seem to HAVE free time) why not come over and do my dishes instead?
    Love, Frazzled Mom

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  16. I love you guys! Thanks for making me laugh daily.

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  17. Firstly, I, too, am flipping you the double bird. 8 weeks?! Lucky you! My 3 1/2 year old *still* doesn't sleep through the night. Zombie mommy over here!

    And omg, the meconium poo! I didn't get experience this until my 2nd, due to my 1st having issues at birth. I thought I knew everything! He was my 2nd baby! Diapers were nothing! Wrong...I was soo sooo soooo wrong. Nothing can properly prepare you for meconium poo. Unless you regularly work spreading tar on roofs or roads. And even then, it's iffy.

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  18. As a new mom I HATED the comments "just wait until" and the ultra-patronizing "oh, you won't do that with your next baby". Three kids later, those phrases sneak out of MY mouth every once in a while and I almost square up on MYSELF.

    And Anonymous -- It is like the lady currently freaking out about the book "Go the F*ck to Sleep". If I ACTUALLY drank as much as I say I need to or ACTUALLY let the words "go the f*ck to sleep" come out of my mouth at my children, it would not be funny. It is funny because some times we so desperately want to but are smart enough to stop ourselves. Get. A. Grip.

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  19. Sleep when the baby sleeps. I love that one. Sure I will do that, but then you get the comments like, "well when the baby sleeps you should take time for yourself.Have a shower. Read a book" or "well you have time to clean the house when the baby sleeps." What? I don't know about you guys but my new baby only slept for half hour stretches between feedings. She would wake up, eat for 45 minutes, be awake for an hour, start crying, poop, then sleep and repeat. When exactly does mom sleep? 5 minutes before baby wakes up to eat again that's when. It's easier when they are toddlers and sleep for a couple hours at a time. Then you can sleep, or binge eat and drink or do all the other things they say you should do when a baby naps.

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  20. I am stealing you and stuffing you in my pocket. Awesome post. Just brilliant.
    (Then again, I just finished my drunken meditation so I'm very lucid)

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  21. Wine nothing. I'm *still* waiting for Valium in a children's chewable and my "baby" is 13...

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  22. As an "In Between" mom, meaning I'm no longer a new mom, but still far away from veteran (in my opinion), I am still fumbling through this whole motherhood thing and failing more often then I like to admit. The best thing I've learned in my 6yrs of motherhood is to NEVER.EVER ignore my instincts. The few times I have I paid for it. So you're already ahead of the game by realizing that. Congrats! On the "Perfect Mommy" front, FYI she doesn't exist. It's just a facade that the most insecure mom's put out for the pubilc to see. But at home where noone can see, she's just as screwed up as the rest of us. So ignore her and stick to the sincere moms who aren't afraid to admit that mommyhood is the hardest and most thankless, but yet most important thing you will ever do.

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  23. lmfao!! omg, i seriously want to square up on perfect mommy.

    'Anonymous said...

    Exhaustion, confusion, anxiety, fear, safety threats to new baby ... all of these are made much worse by consuming alcohol; four references to booze in this blog but not one to exercise, meditation, counseling. No wonder there's so much stress.
    June 28, 2011 1:22 AM '

    lemme tellya what. i have 4 kids, FOUR. the 4 p's of parenthood, prophylactic, planned, pill and patch. they're GOD given and i love them with all my heart.

    i'm in counseling. i walk laps around the pool (it's indoor at our apartment complex) for several hours while they play in it and i pray without ceasing some days.

    i'm a frigging stress ball. if it weren't for blogs like kate and lydia's, scary mommy, amy from the pregnant chicken or this one, i'd LOSE MY SCHMIDT CNN HEADLINE STYLE.

    back the f*ck off and STFU.

    If you can't say anything remotely supportive to a mom who just spilled her guts, go adopt a damn dog or save a whale. hug a tree. but stay off this site.

    my name is amy taormina, and i am a fan. if this doesn't get posted, i understand. keep rocking it new mom, you're doing fine. babies bounce, he's still alive cuz you've made it this far. welcome to mommyland!

    love aims

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  24. Let's not forget the worst part of the perfect mommy...the fact that she is back in her size 2 jeans in time to leave the hospital. Bee-otch!

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  25. I HATE the "just wait until..." comments, but I have to admit, there are times that I now have to practically bite my tongue to avoid saying them myself. The worst offenders are the ones far away from the toddler stage who tell you, "You're in the easy part." Really? The I-can't-clean-the-house-without-my-children-getting-into-the-cleaning-supplies-so-I-give-up stage, the my-toddler-is-literally-swinging-from-the-light-fixture stage, the running-constantly-after-three-children-including-a-year-old stage? This is EASY? I start fuming, smoke starts pouring out my ears, and my husband reminds me to calm down. I much prefer the people who at least make mention of the fact that, while the teenage years may be hard, it's a different kind of hard.
    Posting as Anonymous because I can't seem to get my Google acct to work:
    Carol

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  26. SOOOO very true. Unfortunately, I flailed around for a few kids before I figured out that my insticts were (mostly) right.

    Also, one other domestic enemy is all emergency medical health professionals. Yes, I KNOW they are our "friends" and there to help us, blah blah, but folks, when your baby stops breathing and you freak out and call 911. Having the firemen begrudingly hoof it up to your appartment and then laugh at you while condescendingly patting you on the shoulder and telling you it's no big deal, IS NOT HELPFUL!!!

    That being said, I love firemen! Haaaaaay to the men in uniform!

    But seriously, hang in there new moms! It's the hardest, but most rewarding job on the planet! :)

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  27. Love this post!! Glad that you finally figured it out...nothing matters more than "be totally willing to throw it all out the window and just trust my instincts"! You know best and **HUGS** for now and everything to come!

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  28. Right up there with veteran mommy, needs to be the new mom's OWN mother and Mother In Law. Right? It's like everyone totally forgets what it's like to raise children. That they need sleep. That they shouldn't have chocolate. And no, they don't need to play in a pack and play in the cargo area of the SUV so they can stretch out on long trips "like we used to do".

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  29. Brilliant! Thank you! I met a mother of 7 at Target the other day. Her babies slept thru the night at 2 weeks, and one of her adoptive babies slept thru at 7.... because she got him at 5 weeks old "and was a drug baby". Good for her. I now feel guilt. Apparently I still have enough energy for that. My 14 week old does not sleep at all, let alone "through the night".

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  30. Oh my word. I have 4 kids and I still want to square up on anyone who starts a sentence with "you just wait until..." Really, how is that helpful?? All it does is make me sink into a pit of despair as I realize it will never. get. better. Thanks so much VMs!

    Loved this post. Just loved it. It was bang on. I will reread it when I visit my SIL (a.k.a. "Perfect Mommy") this summer. Thanks!

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  31. My 18 month old hasn't slept for a stretch longer than 5 hours in her entire life. My 3 and a half year old *sometimes* goes to bed without screaming, and usually sleeps until about 5:30am. I moved past mommy brain a long time ago, and am now at damn near mommy comma.

    I mean, um... yeah, being a new mommy is totally SO hard. Need a hug? I promise no two-year-old horror stories during it!

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  32. YES! OMG YES. I agree with all of this. I am one of those people who is obsessive-compulsive and needs to have everything clean and put away. I can't run out of things, and has everything planned down to the minute. Then I had a baby.

    I didn't "sleep when the baby sleeps." I haven't dusted in weeks (and only that short a time because we just moved). I didn't know what half the stuff was that we needed, and I still go to the internet for advice (at least I have a good mom forum from my birth month group on WTE.com). Also, I haven't a clue what I'm doing!

    I will say that the one good thing about an emergency c-section is that I couldn't get out of bed to change her meconium diapers, so my Mom did that!

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  33. Rocking in a chair eating my hair.........practically fell off my chair laughing. As a mom of an 8 month old, I come here to find camaraderie and a few laughs and I am never disappointed. Can you imagine if we all got together......

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  34. This gives me so much to look forward to when my little angel arrives in a couple of weeks! And I must say at 9.5 months pg, I'm already tired of hearing "Just wait until..." related to pregnancy, baby, or all of it! This is hilarious and I already have some booze ready! I am THAT prepared and OCD! :)

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  35. anon #1

    chill out a bit....this blog is for fun! Heck I don't drink...anything (including wine and champaigne..did I spell it right ;P) and I find this blog hilarious.

    I cannot stand the "sleep when baby sleeps"...sometimes I have to, but I'm a single momma...which I don't complain about because I chose it and don't have an ex of any kind so not circumstance....so it's just me and the house has to look decent...maybe not OCD clean, but decent for all the social workers up my ying yang business :) So gotta take opportunities when "baby is sleeping".

    I am guilty of the "just wait"....but have been doing it less and less because I know how annoying it is. I didn't find it annoying when VM of Toddlers said it, but when VMs of teens or young adults say "this is nothing" I flip them off in my mind

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  36. After the first ER run for basically a cough, I told the baby that she better be bleeding from a head wound before we try that again. As for raising her, hey I figure if my crazy Mom can do it with six kids and we all turned out relatively fine then I'm not going to sweat it. Believe me if CPS was around back in the day that woman would still be doing time. Although I do sort of understand the late night run to the drive thru at the Liquor Barn.

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  37. A friend said the most saving thing to me in the first 2 months of my son's life (she has 2 daughters, both in their 20s at that point): "If you haven't thrown the baby out the window, you're doing just fine."

    And also: "It never gets easier. It just gets different." So there's no "just wait until ..." It's all a crazy bungee-jumping hair-tearing learning experience.

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  38. I told a friend once. Kids are made for the parents they have. Gosh maybe that is why my kids are so completely different..like my maniac depressive personality. I dunno.

    I have 2, but each one is so different I might as well be a new mom twice. And it is funy how when I'm doubting on things over the 2nd some people ask me if I don't remember the 1st. I do that is why I have more and more doubts!.

    My 1st is in one side of the graph. Everything has to be fast for her. Everything with tons of energy , she walked so young! everything was months before the "books" and people said it should be.

    The second is the other side of the graph. Everything in the last moment possible or even later. Like walking.. at 19 months. Talking.. what is that?.

    It is just the same, 1, 2, 3 4 kids I guess. each one is so different. It is scary.

    Welcome to mother hood i guess :). Crazy land. :).

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  39. As a mom of a 3 yr old who's friends kids are old enough to babysit...I'm a new mom Every. Day. Thanks for this post - should be required reading aloud at the alcoholic baby showers!

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  40. I love/hate the comments, "Enjoy it while they're little -- the grow up so fast!" by Veteran Moms/grandmas.

    I usually replied, "Thank the gods, because if it was all like this, I'd sell her."

    --kate in MI

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  41. Oh my goodness...loved this. You nailed the Perfect Mom and Veteran Mom. I absolutely can't stand the "they grow up so fast" comments because maybe today I really do actually want it to be fast, thankyouverymuch. One day when my oldest was 4 months old (and I hadn't slept more than 3 hours straight in those 4 months) we went to visit dad at work. I told a nice Veteran Mom about my sleep issues and she said, "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems." I went over to my husband and whispered, "Oh HELL NO!" and he had to steer me out of there before there was a scene caused by the frantically sleep-deprived new mom. Now, back to my wine.
    xo
    GL

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  42. Great job! Hang in there. It does get better. So they say. :)

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  43. I have a 5 1/2yr old, a justturned3yr old, an 18 month old, and a 3 week old, all girls. I am vm but also new mom...all at once!! Love your blog, love the post, and love me some wine. Tg for breast pumps so us nursing moms can have a drink. Cause after 9 months of worrying and an infinity of more worrying ahead, we aredue! Adding your blog to my list! Annie Boehrns www.annieboehrns.blogspot.com

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  44. Loooooooooooved this! It's me! And I am in the same shoes- we are on our first who is almost one. thankyousowhuckingmuch! Now I can cry-laugh with her blog too.

    I would just add GRANDPARENTS/GREAT-GRANDPARENTS

    God bless em but ...yes ...you do need to call first and not just STOP BY because if you wake our baby from her nap I might cut your eyes out. and
    SORRY... but if you make me feel guilty one more time for not seeing your grandchild more often- bite me- there are 5 of you still alive that we jungle our kid to.
    Lastly - DUH TIMES HAVE CHANGED...stop telling me that it's better the way you did it because that was when the husband had to wait in the actual waiting room, when the doctor chain smoked while examining your baby and when they pushed formula over breast feeding.

    I feel better now. and yes I have been drinking.

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  45. @anonymous 1:22. I'm not sure you're on the right blog for you. This blog is for fun and humor. You seem to want advice like you'd get from your doctor--go talk to him for that (or a Perfect Mommy). This blog helps all us moms who feel like loosing their shmidt sometimes realize we are not alone and it happens to most of us at some point or another. I think you need to lighten up a little, or maybe you need to go to another website.

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  46. Loved your post!! I'm a new mom and can relate to much of this. I still can't figure out what all those abbreviations are either. Can someone tell me what IHP (and the others) stand for?? Thanks!

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  47. Thank the Good Lord that there are honest (and hilarious) Moms out there who are willing to be genuine and open about the struggles of new Mommy-hood. I distinctly remember many nights at 4 am with absolutely ZERO sleep in the past 18 hours... thinking "Is it supposed to be like this? What the bleepity-bleep is wrong with this child?" This kind of sharing would have gone a long way to help me see through to the dawn of those bad nights.

    I would add two domestic enemies for the New Mom:
    1) Platitudes (many have already been mentioned) - these sentimental and COMPLETELY unhelpful cliches can drive a Mom to drink sometimes before the colic, diapers, mess and nuerosis ever will. My "favourite" -- God makes them so cute for a reason.... what I say to that "Um God... do you think you could have spent a little less time and effort making them cute and maybe refocused your energies on making them EASIER?!"
    2) The dark -- somehow everything looked so much better in the light of day. What's up with that? My suggestion to New Moms -- hang on until the sun comes up. It is amazing what can go through your head in the dead of night when you feel alone in the world... with the exception of this screaming ball of fury that you brought into being. Morning ALWAYS comes and you'll never be so happy to see your sleepy-eyed, bed headed husband comes plodding out of your bedroom -- Daddy's turn!

    Katie - mom of 7 month old screaming ball of fury

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  48. Oh, the Veteran Mom comments, the "just wait until" - I am with you. SQUARE. UP.

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  49. I don't know where I read this (could have been here for all I know - I'm 3 beers into sleeping baby + sleeping toddler bliss):

    "There are no perfect mommies. There are just some moms who are really good at lying."

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  50. How about the new moms pretending to be veteran moms? I'm expecting (by adoption) my first in December, and I have a couple of friends with one year olds (both total OOPS of course) and they act as if I have never thought of this whole motherhood thing. Um. I have infertility. I know EVERYTHING about pregnancy and children (not really) cause I had 10 years of studying and dreaming about "the day" Just like a teen girl dreaming about "the day" of her wedding.

    They say "Oh you'll want to do do this or sign up for that" Sure fertile myrtle, I knew all about that 3 years ago.

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  51. This post was just perfect. My son has just turned 3, but I remember the panic and exhaustion and worry of his first year SO clearly. And forget about sleeping through the night - that only really started happening this past year with any regularity. My littlest brother was born when I was nearly 15 and I changed my fair share of nappies and babysat, etc, and before my son was born I already had more than ten nieces and nephews, but none of that makes any difference when it's your own. That meconium nappy/diaper... happened for me in the middle of the night, still in hospital, but because I'd chosen to have my son room in with me the whole time the nurse wanted me to change the nappy. By that time I'd been up with no sleep for over 24 hours, I'd gone through labour, and I was scared and exhausted - and this nurse expected me to hold my six pound baby (2 weeks early) dangling in the middle of the air and get this tar off him. I was nearly in tears by the time she agreed to do it herself.

    Also totally agreed on that 'enjoy every stage' - what, you mean the feeding every 2 hours, crying for no reason you can work out, frantic for one second of peace/rest stage? or the 'reject mummy stage because all i want is daddy'? no thanks!

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