I am Lydia and I am a stay at home mom. That is an admission that may elevate or denigrate me, depending on who I’m talking to. There are times when people ask me what I do and I have a moment where I freeze. Where I contemplate frantically pointing and yelling: “LOOK OVER THERE!”, and then running away as fast as I can. But then they would just think I was mentally incompetent, which is of course only almost true.
The truth is that saying I’m a SAHM opens up a can of worms. And those worms are a bunch of judgmental little a-holes. I choose this life. And I’ve been to the other side, too. I used to be a working mom, but then I had a third baby and decided to leave behind a career I loved for the kiddos I loved more. Also, the cost of daycare was about the same as my salary, so there’s that. I was incredibly lucky to have the choice to stay home and I haven’t regretted it once. But it’s not without its challenges.
So here is my SAHM confessional and these are some of my domestic enemies:
People who think I don’t work anymore. It’s true that I don’t have a job. That pays me. But the next person that says “Oh, that’s right – you don’t work” will probably get a roundhouse kick to the throat. It may only occur in my mind, but it will be a stealthy, silent, and ninja-like deathblow. Because I really don’t know what’s more insulting; the notion that I don’t work or the idea that taking care of kids all day is some kind of f*cking vacation.
Time and Control. There is this idea that I am in control of my own schedule. That I get to decide when to do things. We’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am like every other mom; I simultaneously control everything and nothing. If I don’t keep the trains running, they all come to a grinding halt. Meanwhile, I can’t control when and if I will sleep, return a phone call, or bathe myself without committing an act of child neglect. I have taken maybe three showers in the past 8 years where I haven’t been silently praying; “Please don’t let the kids set the house on fire or choke on Cheerios while watching Dora for the three minutes I’m in here taking a prison shower”.
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| He's talking about me. |
The Pressure and The Guilt. I stay at home with my kids so therefore, my days consist of flitting about from chore to errand to volunteer commitment to enriching toddler class, while preparing nourishing organic meals and keeping a perfect house. Oh even wronger. Let’s also add to this list the expectation that because this is my job, that I will be good at it all the time. Just because I reject the notion of Perfect Mommy does not mean I don’t feel the pressure. And feel bad every single day that by their standards, I suck at my job.
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| This is what I say to myself to keep from squaring up on the haters. |
I could write more about how wearing nice clothes is stupid when small people just use your shirt as a nosewiper. Or why random people in my life assume that I’m available to take care of their schmidt for them because I’m at home all day apparently doing nothing. Or the isolation and loneliness from the rest of the world that a lot of us SAHM’ers feel but never talk about. Or how I used to be really smart but now my brain is as slow and flabby as my mid-section.
But the truth boils down to this: I choose to be a stay at home mom. I am penned up in the monkey house all day long with a husband who works gulag hours. But in that smelly monkey house are the moments that make everything worth it.
The importance of this time was reaffirmed the other day when I was out-of-my-mind crazy with the lack of adult conversation and sleep. I was sitting, all twitchy down the hall, when I heard Mini-Me start crying. I rushed down the hall to see her holding a small baby doll opposite my six-year old son, Hawk, who was holding an array of Batman action figures poised to rescue the doll. When the League of Justice rushed to save the baby, Mini-Me squealed with delight and hugged her brother. I heard Hawk say, in a whisper "I'll always save you," and he hugged her right back.
When I choked back my Mommy-tears, I realized that's why I do it. That moment once or twice a day, when the monkeys show that they're turning into awesome little people. And I got to see it. Just before they started throwing poo again.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
Very awesome. I love these Domestic Enemies posts. They are seventeen different kinds of spectacular. I only have a suggestion for one, and only because I actually live it; "Domestic Enemies of the Chronically Ill Mom". That's where you get to do everything else Mom's do on top of whatever stupid, debilitating condition you happen to have, working in treatments and side effects of said condition both working AND stay at home. I know Moms who are ill who do or have done both. They range from Moms undergoing various cancer treatments to Lupus, Crohns, UC, Fibro and tons of other conditions previously only seen on House. Except they really exist in real life and real people actually live (and sadly die) with them.
ReplyDeleteKind of a downer I guess, but since I'm a chronically ill, stay at home, homeschooling Mom and the line about keeping all the trains running or else they come to a grinding halt really IS true regardless of your Domestic Enemies.
Anyway, I bet there's an awesome Mommy writer who deals with a chronic illness on one of your reads. I know I'd love to read about another Mom who's expected to be Supermom while undergoing treatments and dealing with well child checks on top of appointments with various specialists who all say, "OMG I CAN'T HELP YOU GO SEE HIM." *cue vague and frantic waving in any direction but their office*
(Just kidding mostly, I do have some awesome doctors, but there are times when I know more medicine than they do and that's just WRONG.)
Oh, my. Once again, you hit it right on the head. I'm crying my Mommy-tears, too. Do you mind if I just print this out? That way I can give copies of it to all the "jackbags who ask me things like: 'What do you do all day?'"
ReplyDeleteRIGHT ON!! From one SAHM to another! ^5
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post! You had me nodding in agreement and laughing all at the same time!
ReplyDeleteI love you... I know it's early in our relationship... And a lady should never say that until at least three dinners in (so she's not a total looney) but wow... You just put my life up there... Except normally our justice league is having an identity crisis and kidnapping and flying said hostage over international waters to await ransom... But wow!!! I've only been home four months now... Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteOh sister- soooo true. My husband and I DECIDED to have me stay at home b/c we were raised by SAHM's and felt so lucky. So we sacrifice here and there- and I gave up my teaching career (and chance to be a part owner of a new dance studio- my dream) to have our little nugget. And we will do it again (and Maaaaaaybe one more time, I 'm an "older" mom so we'll see) ANYWAY- I have experienced all you listed over and over and can totally agree. I even started an Etsy shop craftying away because my ego just still can't admit I'm "just" a SAHM. (and we just have one kid so far) ... Not sure if I'll ever find peace with it but until then I have your site to read and cry- laugh with- I seriously have worried I'd wake up the baby with my laughter reading this site..... so thank YOU!
ReplyDeleteOh I love love love this....it's ME! I am a SAHM, and I chose to do it too. I couldn't agree more about how isolated we are, or how we are looked on as stupid women by the working class. But...they found out this Mama bites when not listened too! After a year struggle w/ our principal...I'd had enough of the ignore treatment. Guess what? He quit. ha ha ha I'm not so stupid now am I sucker!
ReplyDeletePreach it, sister. I just tried to update my resume and the last entry is from March 2008. Oh schmidt, I look stupid. I'm also particularly sensitive to the pressure and guilt. Yes, I let my kids watch TV so I can take a shower and read this blog. Yes, frozen stuff from Trader Joe's is my idea of fine dining. Yes, my son currently thinks all quadrupeds say "Mooo". I may suck at this job but I'm in love with my kids so haters can SUCK IT.
ReplyDeleteA spot-on description of being a SAHM. I laughed and cried. "What do you do all day?" really DOES mean F*U... I just now realized that all those people who were 'interested in my life at home' were sticking me one!
ReplyDeletePerfect!
ReplyDeleteI agree with pretty much everything and would add one more domestic enemy... friends who assume since you're home with your own children, you'd like nothing better than to watch theirs for free, at a moment's notice, during what was supposed to be naptime. Gah! Really? If I wanted to own a daycare, I would own a daycare!
ReplyDeleteRock on girl! I take a lot of social histories for patients in a hospital setting and I always say, "did you work inside or outside of the home?" Mom's who work may put on the jacket of superiority in order to feel better about the choice they have made (whether they want or had to), but that jacket is undoubtedly one size too small and itchy as hell! I would feel so blessed to stay home with my kiddos!
ReplyDeletePerfect. I am a SAHM mom of three. I had my first when I was 21, and could pass for a teenager, which brought its own onslaught of "You're young and stupid and irresponsible" stares. You know, despite the fact that I was working 30 hours a week while going to school full time and finishing my degree in Biology. But whatever. Having a boob stain obviously negates all that. Rock on with your bad self, Lydia. And throw in an extra roundhouse kick for me.
ReplyDeleteAwesome again, ladies! How did I miss that there wasn't already a DE of the SAHM? Because my brain has also become as flabby as my middle. I'd be concerned about that, but school just got out for the summer and I no longer have any time or energy to worry about things that do not involve monkeys throwing poo. Maybe that's what I'm smelling in here....
ReplyDeleteI am a working mom who WISHES she could be a SAHM! Y'all rock!
ReplyDeleteThank you Ms. Lydia! Cause I needed this!! You all rock my socks!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite was from an older gentleman who advised me to look into selling my unwanted items on ebay since I was "just sitting around the house all day"... then continued his advice with "Don't wait to go back to work for too long. You're going to get tired of doing his (points at husband) laundry all day." That's right - my days are filled with washing my husband's dirty underwear and posting odd trinkets on ebay while my children run amok. My husband was pretty terrified for the man at that point.
ReplyDeleteA-frickin-men!!If I actually got paid for doing what I do as a SAHM, I would make 5x what my husband makes. I'm sick of people insinuating that I don't work. I just don't get paid in money! Instead I get paid in hugs and kisses and I love yous and cuddles. And I wouldn't trade that for all the money in the world.
ReplyDeleteA-frickin'-men. I will never understand what it is about parenthood (especially motherhood) that invites people to get all up in your business and judge the hell out of you. I'm a SAHM mom of a high-functioning autistic son (whoo! Two sets of Domestic Enemies!), and that is a job and a half. And what other job requires you to be on call 24/7, 365? No paying job that I can think of, that's what. Thanks for mentioning the isolation, too--it's absolutely true and rarely admitted.
ReplyDeleteYou totally need to do a "Domestic Enemies of the Perfect Mommy: or How Gwyneth's Life Is So Hard". Damn, the snarkiness THAT could entail! "Having to decide whether to go to the Farmer's Market before or after "Baby Knows Canotnese" class". "Watching people like Megan try so hard, but just never quite make it, therefore screwing up their kids for life, and knowing I could make it better but she keeps roundhouse-kicking me when I make suggestions". "The Mommys who actually think THEY could be Room mom this year." You know, stuff like that!
ReplyDeleteI hate it when the internet seems to be spying on my life. This is my last week as a SAHM. I (finally) found a job and my littlest munchkin starts kindergarten in the Fall. Daycare is going to kill me over the summer but I'm scared and nervous and a big mess over it but it was good to read (and laugh) over the domestic enemies I'm leaving behind this morning.
ReplyDeleteI have only been a SAHM for the past 12 months. In a previous life I held a very well paid and respected job as well as running family with 4 kids, a grown up kid disguised as my husband, two dogs, one cat, on budgie who thinks its a dog and a very still floating goldfish. My OTHJ (outside the home job) would most times see me working 50 hours a week. Just over a year ago I said enough after doing this for 15 years this is too hard, I am going to be a SAHM. OMG being a SAHM was one thing in my mind but in reality it is the hardest thing I have ever done. At least at OTHJ you get coffee and lunch breaks or even the silence on the drive to and from work. At home even my bodyily functions are met with a "What are you doing Mum" from behind the bathroom door (if I am lucky, normally they follow me in).
ReplyDeleteThanks for the article and reassurance that what ever you chose do it because you want to not because of guilt by others.
I laughed, I cried. It was perfect.
ReplyDeleteI'd only like to add one Part-Time SAHM Domestic Enemy... The Husband. Usually the husband is considerate and helpful (In my dreams) This is the Husband that comes home and pushes all the unfolded l laundry to one side of the couch, turns on the computer and starts his interweb search for then next big cell phone technology. As if it has changed since you've left your (Office Space) desk job 45 minutes ago of surfing the interweb for that exact same thing. Then the onslaught of complaints that he just wants to R.E.L.A.X. for a few minutes.
Excuuuuse ME, but do your co-workers FOLLOW YOU TO THE BATHROOM? Do they insist you change their DVD IMMEDIATELY at that exact moment? Do they watch you wipe? Do they suddenly need a new snack and drink RIGHT NOW?
Your "Keep Calm" poster CRACKS me up because when my mom was a SAHM and people would ask her what she "does allllll day," my mom would get really sarcastic and say "Oh, I sit around and eat bon bons." She said it so often (because obviously, people were judgmental a-holes even 30 years ago) that we would even say "Mommy sits around and eats 'bons bons' all day."
ReplyDeleteAmazing post.
I salute you, SAHM.
Oh my. As a young-looking SAHM to four, I get all of those domestic enemies. My favorite are the people who really think I do nothing all day. My response is to ask if they get a lunch-break at their job. Yes? Then guess what honey, you have more down time in your day than I do in mine. And the guilt, oh the guilt! It will eat me alive if I let it. Like right now I'm letting my little bundles of joy sleep an extra five minutes so I can read this. Bad Mommy!
ReplyDeleteBest blog post EVER!!!
ReplyDeleteRight on and even right-on-er! Thank you. Off to hug my monkey.
ReplyDeleteI love this.. my sister and I joke that one of us is always the wrong/bad type of mom (depending who is talking to us). My sister (a saint in my eyes) is a stay at home mom of 3 and homeschools her two oldest. She does it all and I'm so impressed by her super mom ways. Then there is me.. I work out of the home and my two boys attend daycare during the day. We've both gotten used to others trying to say one of us does it right and they other is going to hell for ruining her children. The worst is when they are talking to us together and they try to get us say that the other is "wrong" with how she parents. That my friend, will NEVER happen! I support my sister with all my might and she does the same for me. I'll never understand why some people think there are very specific standards of whats the correct way to parent.. there are limits, I never think it's wise to give a kid crack and say.. "have fun in your padded room for the day". BUT, if everyone is doing what is best for their child.. let's give them the golf clap and tell them how awesome they are. Shall we??
ReplyDeleteI need to read this at least once a week. I'm printing it and putting it on my fridge. THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteAWESOME and RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is your best post so far for me. "The-Assume-I’m-Stupids" are the one's that make me think such awful disgusting thoughts that it would make the craziest of crazies run screaming for there lives. Thank you so very much for this post.
ReplyDeleteSharron from Florida ;)
Hangin' out in the monkey house with you, Lydia! Thanks for the post that many SAHM want to write, but we can't find the time. Between making meals and cleaning up spilled milk (no use cryin') and filling/emptying needy dishwashers and completing the endless mommy chores, we are spent. If only women would support each other, no matter our choices, then we would rule the world - and nominate Lydia president!
ReplyDeleteMommy tears are flowing. I couldn't do what you do - I need work to escape. And retain sanity. And drink hot coffee. You are a strong woman and I love that.
ReplyDeleteGreat post tells it all just like it is. I too chose to stay home when I had my twins at the ripe old age of 44. I worked for years but swore if I could I would stay home and raise the little wranglers, and now they are 10 1/2 years young. It's quite a bumpy trail, but worth it.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
As you consider the writer's thoughts, remember there is another group, in my opinion, even less understood. That is the stay at home dad, a proud team I have been a member of for 2 years. We see the SAHMs meeting up at parks and playgroups and wish we could have adult conversations as well. Sure, we introduce ourselves, but are seldom engaged in everyday small talk. So I implore you, next time you see one of us, remember we fight the same battles and prejudices as you. I applaud the SAHMs who see us in that light.
ReplyDeleteWay to go, Lydia!! I chose to stay home, too. My only regret is that I wish someone would clean the house. Rock on!!
ReplyDeleteThis came at the perfect time. I am getting on a plane today to go visit family and I always get at least one asinine comment about my choice and privilege to be a SAHM.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all of it. It is right on and just what I needed this morning!
If I may: an addendum to the rant.
ReplyDelete... and then there are those like me (I KNOW I'm not the only one!):
The SAHM (Obviously she sits around all day eating bon-bons & watching soaps!) with visible tattoos (she probably spends her days in a bong-induced haze; hence the bon-bons), 2 kids (6 1/2 years apart) by 2 different men (OMG! What a slut!), no husband (GASP!), & a lifetime of fighting to function through mental health issues that would leave most "normal" people rocking in a corner, drooling, & begging for a visit from Kevorkian.
Oh! & lets not forget the enviable distinction of being on disability, thereby qualifying for food stamps & medicaid (She's obviously taking advantage of the system she probably never paid into!).
To all the jackholes who (not so) discreetly back away at school functions, or do a squeaky-wheeled 180 in the baking aisle if I happen to be checking out which brownies are on sale this week:
All my jeans are ripped & my shirts are stained (You think I like looking like trailer trash?!? Give me some credit for showing my face in public, K?) because I spend the available money to dress my KIDS in presentable clothes, and yes, Wal-mart couture is good enough for us.
I'm (yes, you can be) too skinny, not because of a closet meth addiction, but because frequently there's only enough to feed THEM full meals (& yes, they are healthy kids).
My children are courteous, kind & helpful. They have the praise of their teachers & the respect of their peers (DESPITE the blatant failure that is their mom).
My tween daughter randomly hugs me IN FRONT OF HER FRIENDS!, my 18 year old son introduces me to HIS friends as "The most amazing mom EVER!"
So go ahead. Judge me (& other moms like me). I am the crazy, grungy, lazy welfare tramp you love to look down on.
You'll have to pardon my lack of interest in your opinion, however, as I'm a bit distracted over here, staring awestruck at these incredible people I had the honor of giving birth to.
That was a great post!! I actually cried a little at the end! I used to be a SAHM, I miss it terribly. My kids are 20 and 17 now but I think the teenage years are when they needed me most. Luckily with my job I was off about the same time they were out of school. My hats off to you and the choice you have made!
ReplyDeleteI must, must, must print this in multiple copies and keep a few handy in my purse. Every time my father opens his mouth to ask me if I'm working yet AND what it is I do all day, I will hand him one, until he gets the message: "Stop treating me like an idiot and I will stop treating you like a horse's backside."
ReplyDeleteAnd my favorite parts of this whole piece? "...random people in my life assume that I’m available to take care of their schmidt for them because I’m at home all day apparently doing nothing." Like my mother calling me from her workplace during a bad storm (hail & high winds!) to get me to drive the 6 miles to her house to see if she left her curling iron on! When I said no way, she freaked out and complained that her house could burn down and I didn't care!
"Or the isolation and loneliness from the rest of the world that a lot of us SAHM’ers feel but never talk about." How right! I've heard MANY times that since I "don't feel the pressure of a 9-5 job", what could I "possibly be depressed about?". How about being treated like a moron? Being compared to working moms? Being told that I'm nothing unless I have a paycheck to contribute to the household? That I'm expected to have a spotless house aka June Cleaver?
PS: My husband has NEVER EVER treated me badly for deciding to be a SAHM; it's my relatives who have.
--Gina W.
Soooooooo truuuuue.
ReplyDeleteI love this so much it makes my muffin top warm up.
As a full-time student, artist, small-business owner and mom of two, I wish there was a "DE of the Student Mom". Because that's a whole another bucket o'fun. Try taking your kids to an obligatory professor-student meeting and see how twitchy the academics get... particularly the female ones. Apparently you "can't" be in academia as a woman, be a "serious" scholar, AND have children. It's okay for the men, but between my husband and I we could think of ONE female academic we know who has children. One.
ReplyDeleteOr why random people in my life assume that I’m available to take care of their schmidt for them because I’m at home all day apparently doing nothing.
ReplyDeleteGlad it's not just ME who gets treated like this...great post Lydia!!
I had to recently return a call where I was accused of avoiding their calls. I said, Moms are busy people too and I don't have someone answering my phones AND an assistant like you! **Side note sometimes the 2yo answers the phone, but it's just heavy breathing so I do apologize in advance for that.
ReplyDeleteThat was 17 varieties of awesome-hell-ya.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever disagreed before with you... and when I read this I thought that maybe I live in an alternate dimension, but I've never ever felt anything but proud to be a stay at home mom and I can say with absolute honesty that any time I've ever told anyone where I work (at home with my three kids, and 5 daycare kids), they have had anything other than absolute reverence for what I do. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Canada = alternate dimension, but that's been my experience exclusively.
My brother-in-law asked2 if I watch movies all day. Sweet sweet karma gave he and his wife twins after that. :D I try not to giggle until he has already run out of the room in pursuit of one of the crazies.
ReplyDeleteShit, I don't even know your kids and I'm crying.
ReplyDelete"Gwyneth Paltrow should be illegal." Perfect. I've unfriended people who disagree with that sentiment.
Awesome post! I never realized it, but I also want to perform a stealthy ninja-like death blow on people whenever I get asked stupid questions because i stay at home with my baby boy.
ReplyDeletei freaking loved this post. I'm sharing it with the rest of the world because it is EXACTLY how I feel. Thank you for putting it into perfect words.
ReplyDeleteI could not, would not (with a fox? j/k) want to be a SAHM, so those that do so completely ROCK! My best friend is a SAHM after teaching for 9 years and I admire her immensely.
ReplyDeleteEither choice-to stay home or work-is a difficult one, but as long as the kids feel loved that's all that matters at the end of the day. But I'm still saving $$ for therapy, just in case :)
Your post couldn't not have come at a better time. I am watching six kids today (only two are mine). Took them for a walk and on the way home one of the neighbors caught us. Of course she had to run right down to drop her little dear off at our house. Of course it is almost lunch time and she'll be back in an hour and half to pick her kid up. I guess she figured I wouldn't mind one more kid and besides she has to WORK later today. Guess what??? I have to work all day watching kids plus I get to go to my part time job outside the home later too!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, this is ten times worse for my wonderful Husband (stay at home dad). We made the choice together and do not regret it. Not sure why everyone assumes he's "out of work" or worse. Our older son is autistic and has bipolar disorder. My husband works his darn butt off!
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you. My best comment received was from my (works outside the home) SIL who, when discussing the fact that my toddler twins wake around 5am, said "Oh my goodness, can you imagine what it would be like if you actually had to function or accomplish something during the day after waking that early?" Yeesh.
ReplyDeleteYou and your readers might enjoy this gem: http://www.divinecaroline.com/22324/37661-did-do-day
Why'dja have to add that little part at the end? "I'll always save you..." I'm all snuffly and red now! I HATE it when i cray at work!!
ReplyDeleteI loved that you said "Who takes care of your kids while you work all day?” As a working mom of 3 boys, I feel constant guilt about leaving them at daycare. Unfortunately, I am the one with the health insurance and don't have a choice. I would LOVE to be home with my kiddos, but I do recognize it is a lot of work to be a SAHM.
ReplyDeleteIf you only knew how many times my facebook posts read, "I HATE paying strangers to do a piss pour job of raising my kids when it's ALL I want to do!" Number 3 is due in September, and my husband and I are doing some serious budget talks. All that keeps running through my mind is, "There will be other wonderful job opportunities down the road. I will NEVER get another chance to raise my babies."
ReplyDeleteKeep up the amazing Mommying!!!
Brandi
I will honestly say, as a working mom, I experience the exact same judgment and guilt in the opposite direction. I've had SAHMs look at me like I have 13 heads when I admit that STRANGERS are caring for my child during the day. I call it "school" instead of daycare because for some reason is sounds less egregious. But the judgment is the same.
ReplyDeleteI think being a SAHM requires a ton of energy and an awesome attitude. It also, at least where I live, is a modern budgeting miracle...!
I've been home since 2004. I've endured it all, guilt, condescending attitudes from people who think I have it made, or that I have no education therefore I had no choice but to be a SAHM, or that we must be rich how else and how nice for me that I get to stay home....no matter what, some idiot always has something to say. I love the ones that say, well when are you going to do something to "contribute" to your household? They of course, mean financially because raising good kids and running a household obviously is not nearly as important a consideration.
ReplyDeleteI also want to add that many SAHMs really would like the opportunity to do some work from home, but so many of those work-from-home "opportunities" are scams. I am fortunate enough to have had sporadic (meaning either feast or famine) freelance writing/editing work over the years...and that brings home a whole other clan of judgers and blamers with stupid questions like "what do your kids do while you sit at the computer?" and other little gems. People always have something to say, no matter the situation. I've learned to get used to it, but there are certainly many times I have to try really hard to hold back my roundhouse kicks ;)
Wow. Well, you just spelled out my life, didn't you?
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what? If you were to say "a nanny" at least some of those stereotypes wouldn't apply (maybe some of them) but because they are YOUR children and it's YOUR home you care for... well, it automatically means you "don't do anything all day." Love those types.
The biggest one that bothers me lately is the school thinking because I work part-time from home that I have all the free time in the world to volunteer my hours away. I am cutting back next year. And this is by far the hardest job on the planet.
ReplyDeleteSpot on as usual! You guys rock and have so many true and real post for all these Mom's. They are all so true. Why can't people just accept us the way we are and stop trying to push their views, guilt, judgement on us Moms? The other one you could do is Domestic Enemies of the Older Mom. I am one and get so tired of being asked, "Are those your grandkids?" Yes I have some grey hair but that does not mean you can assume I am a grandmother. I am so ready to ninja kick the next person that asks me that. There are several other enemies I could mention but I am not as creative with my responses as you all seem to be. I could give you the enemies but you would definitely need to come up with the responses.
ReplyDeleteJrseygirl in VA
You just described my life in a nutshell. I've been a SAHM for 18 years, and sacrificed my entire adult life for my children. Most people act like I'm either A)lazy or B)stupid because my husband and I chose this. There have been way to many days that I would love some of those jackholes to choke on my perfect cookies (the only perfection in my house). Not everyone can do what we do.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Talon. A "Domestic Enemies of the Chronically Ill Mom" would be awesome.
ReplyDeleteI have Lupus, am a military wife and have two rambunctious boys (each with issues of their own), a bulldog, a turtle and a college degree that has gone nowhere in the state we are currently stationed in.
Being that my life is so jacked up from one thing or another most of the time I am immensely surprised by the stuff I can accomplish being a SAHM.
People are always thinking I am lazy or frumpy or some other "bleh" term when in reality I am sick and I have all the same crap they have on their plate on my every day. I cannot be that perfect mom that the many of the women I know around me pretend to be and expect me to be to keep from being judged. I never feel the need to tell them I am sick or that my kids have health/social issues of their own while they judge me. I just nod my head and keep thinking "Just you wait. Karma is going to ream you a new one some day and I will be laughing the whole time".
Love this! My girl is 15 months old and I've been a SAHM because my salary wouldn't cover the cost of day care and commuting (high COL area plus working in a low paying field that, unfortunately, I happen to love). Luckily my DH's salary was our main paycheck for years so it hasn't been a huge financial hit, but I hate when people assume I do nothing all day long, or that I'm too stupid to do anything else. Add into this that I'm 31 but look 25 and I get the 'you're too young' looks as well.
ReplyDeleteA working mom is giving you a big, fat high-five! I love my job (teacher) but I am sad that I have to pay someone else to do my other job (mommy) and that I get limited mommy hours. Good news though...as of this Thursday, I get to be a SAHM all summer long! Bon bons for all!!!!! ;)
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, I tease my friends who are SAHMs all the time but I know how hard it is (especially if you have more than one little terrorist!) to be one. As much as I want to, I'm not sure I could handle it! I think I would probably suck! Maybe it's for the best that I really do have to work and that my hours are quite nice for a working mom!
Kudos to ALL the MOMMIES!
Thank you. and @Talon, amen sister on juggling it all when "you don't look sick." Must say the tears welled up at your description on your children playing. OK, well off to eat more bon bons while PBS Kids is going...maybe a nap too! LOL ;) Angie
ReplyDeleteOMG YES! YES! YES! (Meg Ryan impersonation) You hit the right spot with THAT one! (oh and f/2.8 momma, WOW - My husband does that too! Murder is still illegal, right?)
ReplyDeleteThanks for an awesome, just what I was thinking post! Not 3 days ago, a "friend" of the family asked, "What do you do?" My reply - "Um, I have 4 kids.. that's my job". Then he wanted my work history.. cripes! It's been so long, I don't even remember! (or care to)
Total Awesomeness, that's what THIS post is! <3
FINALLY!!! I have been waiting for a DE of the SAHM. I actually searched your site for it specifically and was disappointed there wasn't one already. I wrote a blogpost about this just last week. http://thekoolaidfamilystirsitup.blogspot.com/2011/05/what-heck-do-you-do-all-day.html
ReplyDeleteYou have the hardest and most important job in the world!
ReplyDeleteBe proud, Lady - be VERY proud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that could make it better is the absence of 'the other N word'. You ladies are so wonderful and have no need for that level of 'humor' to be funny.
I LOVE being a SAHM but goodness is my brain rotting more and more everyday. Two masters degrees and no income:) That was a great investment.
I've previously worked full time, been a SAHM, and now have worked part time as a merchandiser the last seven and a half years. I love my job for its flexibility to still be a mom, avoid daycare costs for my kids by working around my husband's schedule or trading with friends. I was busier as a SAHM than when I was working full time. Of course, now that I have 4 kids, I get a whole new brand of commentary from people who need a clue-by-four upside the head. I've thought about trying to get a job somewhere else, but in all honesty, I'd feel penned up in someone else's cage all the time, and I'd miss things like my daughter's end of year party Thursday. Plus, I'm already in charge of too much crap at home, why the heck would I want to risk screwing up someone else's stuff??
ReplyDeleteAnd as I was typing this, my 20 month old came up to me asking for the 2nd half of her banana that her daddy gave her earlier today. She then sat down on the step with it, parking her bare tush (must.be.naked! even if it's just no diaper under a dress) on the spoon she was just using to eat plain shaved ice. She moved twice with the same result, then I asked if she realized her spoon was under her tush. "Right there" she said, and pulled it out from under her unsunny place. If I'd had some other job, I'd probably be on the road right now at 5:15, instead of slacking off and not cooking dinner while I play on the internet while chuckling at my daughter sitting on a spoon.
I loved this one and I feel it as a sahm myself. I would love to add domestic enemies of a gluten free mom. Seriously 8-12 dollars for a loaf of bread. Never being able to safely eat out with your family. Constant worry that you could get sick if you do , even if said restaurant has a gf menu. Then let's say you do get gluten poisoning, there are the 24 headaches, intense body aches, diarrhea that lasts five days. Now throw into the mix an amazingly devious and spry little three year old girl named sparky. Oh yeah other sahms get that you can't take a schmidt alone right? try not taking one alone for FIVE days.... There is so much more to tell....
ReplyDeleteAm I the only woman in the world who stays at home but wishes I worked?
ReplyDeleteIts all hard, you know. As a SAHM with mostly WOHM friends, I think it comes down to this: we all LOVE our kids the same amount but there is no doubt in my mind that my WOHM friends APPRECIATE their kids more.
I wasn't the first to say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but sometimes I wonder if I'm the first of my demographic to admit it?
It's sad that women are still judging other women's decision. Don't we all try to do what is right for our families? If you are really lucky you get to actually make a choice.
ReplyDeleteI would be a horrible SAHM. I know that. But even if I wanted to stay home it isn't an option. I work so we can afford the therapies and doctors that my special needs child needs.
We all should be supporting each other as women and mothers, period.
"When the League of Justice rushed to save the baby, Mini-Me squealed with delight and hugged her brother. I heard Hawk say, in a whisper "I'll always save you," and he hugged her right back."
ReplyDeleteMoments like that definitely make it all worth it!
My husband and I decided that we could use a little extra money, so I picked up a job that has me working 6-10 in the mornings, then going home in time to see my husband off to work/school/both. People keep telling me how 'lucky' I am to be off at 10, and think I'm weird when I give them The Look. Yes, because being up since 4-something in the morning, then working mostly on my feet for four hours, then coming home to a wound up three year old that I have to watch while trying not to let the house fall apart and get dinner on the table for five people (and doing this while preggo with number 2) is so flipping easy.
ReplyDeleteAnd if I hear one more person complain about my 'Tinkerbell babysitting method' they're getting a taco kick.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FAVORITE POST EVER! THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteThank you so, so, so much. I'm on the verge of ugly crying- this post came at the end of a very long few days. I can't think y'all enough for this blog. It has made my SAHM-dom a little brighter on those days when I'm climbing the poo-splattered walls.
ReplyDeleteI have all sorts of respect for SAHM's. I'm a single mom so need to work, but work in the school district which allows me to pretend to be a SAHM for 14 weeks out of the year. It's tough. I find the house cleaner when I'm at work then when I'm home during summer, winter, spring breaks so hats off to everyone!
ReplyDeleteI have read every single one of your blog posts, and I do believe this is my favorite one. No one who writes this clearly and insightfully could possibly have a flabby brain, my dear. Thank so much!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I am a SAHM and there are things I go without like my own car (ugh me and hubs share it, it sucks!) and a fancy phone, clothes that are not from Target, etc. Also being home all day with your kids when they act like terrors is just and all day reminder of how much I suck!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou just can't win! Very funny post. I guess that the bottom line is that you just have to accept yourself, know that you are making the best decision for you and your family. There are pros and cons to both working and staying home.
ReplyDelete“Who takes care of your kids while you work all day?” Oh even yesser. I've started telling people I just keep them locked in the trunk of my car.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see someone post about the Work From Home Mom while kids are home... That is me... I can relate to a lot of the SAHM stuff but add in a full time job and it gets a little hairy at times....
ReplyDeleteoh AMEN. I was a law professor prior to kid #3, where I was considered reasonably intelligent. Now I'm a sahm of 3, and I'm a moron, for the simple reason that I am at home with my kids. The most common question I get is "aren't you bored?" Drives me INSANE.
ReplyDeleteWe (SAHM's) do EXACTLY what the person at your daycare does all day long, plus what you do all evening long and all day long on your weekends if you don't have the luxury of a housekeeper and nanny! Argh!
ReplyDeleteHi ladies! I was and still am a SAHM. My kids are 28,25 and 20. Young adults you would think, independent creatures. But just thought I'd let you know -- the job NEVER ends. And this SAHM is glad. And it's even better. After all those years of jokes, put downs and looks of sympathy we are now the beloved grandmothers that the evil working women now come to for advice!!! And yes thankyou, we do know everything! Give those beautiful babies a big hug & kiss.
ReplyDeleteOr the fact that we actually sacrifice financially because, GASP, we truly want to stay home to love on and raise our babies!
ReplyDeleteGreat post and Amen!
Does anyone else want to say to all their friends posting this on Facebook, "Oh? You've worked full time since being a mom, too? Like the author of this post? I don't really remember that...ever."
ReplyDeleteWow, this post is one big whine about how you can't really handle the pressure of being a mom. Yes, work is tough, but much of what you say does not have to be true. If this is your reality, you have chosen it.
ReplyDeleteAs a working dad who also maintains a household, I think you need to suck it up
It's only whinging about other people's horrid opinions on the stay at home parent's- much like what you are doing right now, I suggest you find better ways to spend your time. Troll.
DeleteI never wanted to be a stay at home mom - until I was one. I like to say it is the best job I've had. Definitely not the easiest, but the best because it is so much more gratifying and awesome than running on office for a lecherous old man boss who designs McMansions for idiots with too much money. There are some days though when all I can think is how much I NEED a vacation - a long one - without the kids - preferably somewhere warm with alcoholic beverages.
ReplyDeleteTwo days ago my kids were playing in the living room while I was washing dishes in the kitchen. The rooms are right next to each other with the huge passthrough in the separating wall. My three year old "flew" one of his metal airplanes where it proceeded to have a nose dive crash landing right in the middle of the forehead of my five month old. It took me about 5 seconds to get into the living room to see blood COVERING my baby's head. I knew head wounds tended to bleed alot, but had never experienced just how much they could bleed. Here's the best part - it was my birthday. Happy 30th Mommy, we wanted to make sure it was one you would never forget!
Also, I just read the post before mine from a working dad (who maintains a household - do you do that ALONE mr. man or do you have help?) and now I want to punch him in the face. Until you've stayed at home all day with a two/three year old who won't take a nap and doesn't want to eat what you have or play with any of the gazillion toys in the house you don't know what whining is.
I feel like the Grinch whose heart grew as I was reading this. I too am a SAHM who is fed up, disgusted, and really angered by the comments I hear regularly from idiots about what I do all day (or cannot do). Thanks for writing this because I have felt it but would never have been able to write it so eloquently. I too am no longer able to form or express thoughts. Lastly, to the bonehead working dad who "maintains" his household... read somewhere else. This clearly seems to be a blog in support of the SAHM. Isn't it interesting that you are reading in "Mommyland" about enemies of the stay-at -home mom and you just couldn't wait to get on and say something negative. Go find something to "maintain".
ReplyDeleteOh HELL YA! I'm a SAHM to 3 kids with Autism (ranging from low to high functioning) and OMG. It's the ones who think I'm stupid who get to me the most. I have found myself actively working to mention that I have a master's degree into various conversations. I'm that insecure. :) Which is stupid, because that immediately leads to either, "Well, you're sure letting your degrees go to waste" or "OMG! And you're JUST a stay-at-home Mom!" Occasionally, it gets this look of "OH! I thought you were just a stupid breeder! Okay..." and then the quality of the conversation improves slightly.
ReplyDeleteBeen mostly a SAHM for the last 23 years. I have 8 kids aged 23, 21, 19, 18, 16, would be 4,(he passed away) almost 3, and 10 months.
ReplyDeleteIt's seriously more about your youth than the fact you are a SAHM. I can honestly say when I turned 30, people quit treating so much like a moron and actually were interested in what I told them...after they asked, of course.
And, incidently, I am a daycare provider. While I am raising my two youngest at home, I am turning some coin watching other people's school aged kids during the summer.
People say I am *lucky* to stay home. Um, well, I make my own luck. I choose to stay home, yes, but it has nothing to do with luck. I've chosen my core values, the things that are important to me, and make it work. It has nothing to do with being lucky. Anyone can be a SAHM if they want to. Most just don't want to.
Sorry, have to agree with Working Dad.This is what you chose, quit bitching about it. Geez. Working parents do all that you do plus work a fulltime job...we aren't part time parents because we work fulltime.
ReplyDeleteTo the comment telling us SAHM's to 'quit bitching'-are you trying to start a mommy war? In case you missed the title of the blog, it's 'Rants from Mommyland'-meaning moms come here to have a laugh and avoid saying what they may be really thinking in real life in the interest of keeping the peace. I have never slammed a working mom about her working, whether by choice or need (and believe me, I know how lucky I am to be able to stay at home), and would appreciate the same treatment, but it doesn't happen.
ReplyDeleteAs for never bitching about being a SAHM, look at it this way-are you happy at your job all the time? No? How about if your job was for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Still always happy? I'd say I'm happy being a SAHM the majority of the time, but I do have days-when DD refuses to nap, ergo I don't have time to clean for example, or when she has a massive meltdown the second I step into the grocery story and have to re-plan the trip-where I want nothing more than to escape for a few minutes, but I can't-there are no coffee breaks or scheduled lunch breaks for the SAHM. And to those who would tell me to 'woman up' and demand that DH pitch in more, he already does-he happily takes over with DD when he gets home so I can fix our dinner in peace and have some quiet time, and takes over on weekends so I can get a break. The reality is he has his full time job and I have mine, just one without the satisfaction of a paycheck where I am always on call! And now that this has turned into my own rant, I'll check out!
Thanks for the laugh! I am a SAHM and I love my job! I however have a few things that SAHM's say that really bother me. Like the whole shower thing or should I say the lack of a shower because of the children. I have twins and I have NEVER gone a day without a shower. I didn't have help or someone to take care of my kids so I could get one. I handled it myself. As for the mom's that say I can't take a shower my baby won't let me. COme on who is the parent. If you hold your baby too much then that is a bed you have made for yourself and you need to deal with it. Babies sleep so take a QUICK shower during that time! Also something else is that your house is supposed to be a mess because you have a baby. THe baby isn't making a mess and if you can't handle it now wait for when the baby is making the mess in addition to you.
ReplyDeleteCome on ladies I know having a baby is an adjustment time but it shouldn't last until the kid is starting Kindergarten.
So I'm am now stepping off my soapbox.
I agree with the above post. As the working dad, I would never say that being a SAHM is not a real job or that you have it easy. But like another poster mentioned...working full time does not make you a part time parent. There are those who are doing double the duty of a SAHM. Where is that blog where those people whine. Perhaps there isn't one because a working parent knows the reality of sucking it up and doing what needs to be done...even when it is hard. I know i am probably lacking some compassion here. It's fine to have rough day and complain about it, but to make it sound like a SAHM is the toughest job in the world...get a reality check. There are a lot more difficult things out there.
ReplyDelete...and I am not an enemy of the stay at home mom. I just think as parents we need to complain less and do more. SAHM's are not some sort of persecuted people-group.
ReplyDeleteAnd then there was the time I was at the non-parental end of a table at a restaurant birthday party for my (then) childless friend. After a strenuous (for me) conversation about fabulous trips and fabulous small plates restaurants (which are actually NOT small plates to feed to children... go figure), the slim, well done up woman next to me asked the dreaded, "So what do you do?" to which I answered, "erm...hemm, I'm a stay at home mom.... ah hahaha, " as breezily as I could. And she said, "Ounh..." (You know that Oh that means..Oh I just stepped in schmidt) and turned away and did not talk to me for the rest of the evening. I wanted to grab her ear and scream, "I have a frickin' Master's Degree! In SCIENCE! I wrote a 200 page thesis... 100 pages of statistical analysis! I AM interesting to talk to, you... MURTHERFURKER! At least I don't bore the schmidt out of people talking about how the Bahamas are better than Barbados and how you had the time to run home from work before going out for a 12 plate supper... of which you probably ate only 2 bites because you are too skinny to find space for that much food!" But I didn't... I simply wished 5 kids on her.
ReplyDeleteI needed this! My MIL asked me how my foot was feeling (I hurt the achilles insertion). When I said it was getting worse, she said she was surprised because I sit most of the day! AHHHH!!!! I said, "actually, I don't" and left it at that for the sake of keeping a peaceful brunch.
ReplyDeleteA friend sent this to me & how true it is! As a SAHM of one , who goes into sixth gr next year, people keep asking what I'll do now. The next question is usually, "why don't you have a baby ?". Well, I will continue to stay home (but how often am I really home?). I'm still a mom after all. It's not easier around here b/c he's not home! And I am unable, & just don't want to, have another baby.
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ Talon about mom's w/ illnesses. I have many "unseen" illnesses (including fibromyalgia, foot nerve damage, back issues, etc.). Chronic pain will always be in my life. I am legally disabled, but it's not obvious just by looking at me. This multiplies the "duties" of a SAHM, b/c things take longer to do, I'm in dr offices a lot, & I still want to be a great mom & wife if possible.
Like you, Talon, I'd love to find more SAHM who have physical issues and still attempt to be awesome moms! Being a mom is a hard job sometimes, hang in there all! There's strength in numbers!
Have a great day!
Viki S.
Find me on Facebook as Viki S in Illinois.
To the ones saying "to stop complaining". Um, nobody is complaining about their situation. We are only complaining about people who make rude comments about our lifestyles that we choose and do well with. btw, I am the working mom of a wonderful stay at home dad by choice. He's fully able to work a great job, but also the best darn parent of autistic children I've ever met and even special ed teachers have mentioned how well his working with our children has turned out. Just stop judging us and others is all we ask. - No complaints.
ReplyDeleteI love being a stay at home mom, but that will have to end soon. My husband died, no will, no life insurance, so I have nothing to live on. I hate to go back into the work force, but I will have to, and my little one will have to go to day care... I have worked in daycare, and I hate most of them. Hopefully, I can find one that I like. I am having a hard time finding a teaching job as well. I don't think schools like that I have not been working, and have not gotten an interview for any of the jobs I have applied for. I may just have to work in one of those daycare centers that I hate just to have a job, but i would not make enough for us to live on because most of it will go to pay for the daycare... I hate this situation that I am in and wishes that I could stay at home for my little girl.
ReplyDeleteWow! I'm late to the party but I SO agree with everything. Even more so because I'm the mom of a 22, 20 and 18 year old. The last thing I need to hear from people is when am I going to get a "real" job.
ReplyDeleteI'm well on the way to having raised 3 spectacular adults and many other teens who have spent their time at my house, but people keep focusing on the fact that I'm not working at a paying job. ARGGGGHHHHHH!!!
Just want to add a little bit to the annoyed comments who think we are whining,etc. I have nothing against work outside of the home parents, nor do I feel the need to go to posts dedicated to their issues and belittle them. However, the phrase "we do everything you do and we also work" is really misleading. Its just not physically possible to do the same things we do with our kids all day while you are giving your time to another job. The 8 hours or more you are alone with your kid isn't 8 hours of hanging out, if you are like me there is a lot of teaching, projects to arrange, activities to do, etc. Unfortunately working parents miss all of this during the week. Of course they have the same household chores to take on, and I really feel for them having to spend weekend days at the overcrowded grocery store, But as far as thinking they are doing the exact same job but its so much harder, thats just nonsensical. I do agree it is not the gardest job in the world, though it irks me when people say that..it feels like ti sometimes but so do many jobs! Try cleaning sewers, picking grapes, mining for diamonds, etc. We are lucky our jobs only require a minimum of poo contact!
ReplyDeleteThis does beg the question...when your kids are at school from 8am to 3pm...what do SAHM do all day?
ReplyDeleteOh and I just found out the other day when I was going to order a lunch box with my name on it from my aunt. I got " Why do you need a lunchbox. You don't work" So I guess there is a rule I missed somewhere that you are not allowed to own a lunchbox unless you work. I guess I can't use it to take drinks to the pool in then. Glad I was told before I made a huge mistake.lol
ReplyDeleteI was JUST thinking about this yesterday! Love this and am immediately going to share it. You summed up all my thoughts/feelings about being a SAHM.
ReplyDeleteJust what I needed to hear. Truth with laughs in between! Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteI would also like to add to the SAHM rant!
ReplyDeleteI cannot stand it when the working dads (or parents, rather) go to work and come home with the idea that since THEY work, their job is done for the day, and they don't need to do schmidt because they went to work. Since (s)he worked all day, (s)he doesn't need to help take care of the kids, take care of dinner, take care of laundry, etc. Instead, (s)he plays on the computer or naps because (s)he's "tired". (Do you think I'm not?)
They act like it's so easy to stay home with the howler monkeys... My now-ex-husband is going to have a WHOOOOOOLE 'nother thing coming when he's on SAHM duty during the summers!...
(Just to clarify, ex and I are friends, and our children come first - we are still a parenting team, regardless of our marital status.)
I could go on, but... I just won't, my point is made. It just drives me nuts (as if I needed being driven any further, ha ha!)
It's all true!! I can hardly wait to read Enemies of the Work-at-Home Mom. I am currently 38 weeks pregnant, my son is 19 months old, and I run a home cleaning business from home. My favorite question? "So, when will you be going back to work?"/"How much time are you taking off?". Really?! I am busy scheduling clients, dealing with complaints, training staff, disciplining staff, juggling advertising dollars, preforming accounting . . . oh, and did I mention the toddler running around like a little tiny savage while Mommy lumbers along trying to take care of him in some half-decent fashion? I would really love to know when, exactly, I *stopped* working! Jackholes.
ReplyDeleteI am not a SAHM but may be so in the future, and I do understand why people may think SAHM have it easiest. One word: Vacations! My SIL goes on month-long vacations every summer (her working husband joins the family for part of the time if possible). Good luck trying to get that much time approved by your boss, or having to schedule vacations around busy work times. If only for that reason, I think out of all the different groups (WOH-parent, WAH-parent, or SAH-parent), SAH parents have it easier, especially those with school-age children! Of course I'm assuming that the financial sacrifice that allows for one income still allows for vacations.
ReplyDeleteAaaw, dammit. That sweet little scene between Mini and Hawk made me cry. THANKS, Lydia. I'm busy working my way up to present posts on this here blog, and that's like the third time TODAY that you've done that.
ReplyDeleteI am posting here with all due respect really. I truly am amazed (and jealous) of SAHMs. You do a lot of work with no pay (well besides hugs and kisses but those won't buy you a car ; )
ReplyDeleteBut I ask that you re-read your one line "I used to be a working mom, but then I had a third baby and decided to leave behind a career I loved for the kiddos I loved more."
And ask yourself - am I not judging people a bit myself? Perhaps I am uber sensitive (okay, fine I am) but I love my daughter more than anything -wayyyyy more than a job that I truly do like and am blessed to have but I am unable to afford to be a SAHM. Not everyone can be (even with scriping and saving). So just keep that in mind.
Again, not trying to attack you AT ALL. I hate, hate, hate the whole SAHM vs working outside the home mom debate so please just take my post as an observation, not a criticism.
Sarah
Love it! Although it made me realize apon the birth of my fourth yes 4 FOURTH child I have graduated from "what do you do all day" to "wow they must keep you busy!" Or "holy you have your hands full!" Thanks captain obvious I hadn't noticed! And contradictory to my kids beleifs I only have two hands so really I had my hands full two kids ago but apparently I only get recogition when I hit four...and if one more person is shocked when I don't have time to volunteer because after all I'm only a sahm I will beat them...
ReplyDeleteHmm. I'm not sure how I entirely feel about this rant, particularly being a WAHM mom. Yup, I'm THAT "babysitter" for those mother's that can't be lucky enough to stay at home with their little ones. But that's an entire blog itself on its own.
ReplyDeleteWhat I can't stand is that I whenever I get the "Ohhh" stare when I mention I'm a SAHM, I want to launch into my resume, what I did before I became a mother, my high flying career and salary, my degrees, the fact that I was a known name in my business and respected....
ReplyDelete....and that I shouldn't mention all those things. I shouldn't have to prove my 'worth' by explaining my career before my children. So I just smile and carry on, while inwardly seething. It doesn't help that I look young - I'm 30, look 22, and rose up the ladder fast in my career so I was very young to be doing the things I was doing. So most people wouldn't have guessed.
But working moms have it bad too. I don't know how many people congratulate me on being a SAHM (so see, there are supportive people out there) by stating, "Thank you for actually RAISING your kids!". Then I want to roundhouse kick them in the face for insulting my working-mom friends. I always DO say something about how that's not fair to working mothers and how we should all stick together and how the first rule of parenting is to not judge other parents, and then they are all embarrassed because they thought they had met a kindred spirit. And if they argue with me I go into a full on rant about how I had a working mother and how proud I always was of her and she inspired me to always reach for my dreams whatever they were.
I can't wait for you guys to bring these back. I love them. I am about to be the dreaded "stay at home mom who sends her preschooler to preschool while she stays home with the other younger baby" mom. I think this would be an awesome post! I have been on both sides at one time or the other.
ReplyDeleteI found a great company that focuses on green living and being able earn an income staying home with your kids. Take a look at http://rfml.momsprovide.com.
ReplyDeleteListen, no sympathy from me. I work AND do all the other things non-working mothers do. If you have infants or toddlers, fine. Otherwise, when your kids are in school and you're still at home, you're just lazy and a bad role model for your children.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this! To your list of dreaded responses to being a SAHM, I would add my personal (least) favorite: "Oooh, you're so lucky to be able to do that!" (Variation: "You're so lucky your husband is so supportive/understanding!") Right. Because I 'won' the diaper-changing, 3am feedings, sleep-deprived, potty-training, taking care of my kid even when I have the stomach flu myself, least-appreciated-member-of-this-family lottery.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong: I LOVE my daughter. I too have bouts of mommy tears that make me feel privileged to spend time with my child. It's just that when people say this to me (usually after an uncomfortable pause), I get the feeling that they're trying to reassure me that I shouldn't feel bad or inadequate about being a SAHM. Which means that THEY see what I do as less than adequate. I did not 'opt' to be SAHM. Like many women (I suspect), I sort of just found myself here. The prestigious career I had worked to build for ten years basically evaporated after I had my daughter. I'm an unemployed PhD with an Ivy League education. My family did not 'choose' to struggle financially because I'm out of work. Why is the job I'm doing now (with crappy hours and for no pay as you point out) somehow less respectable? Why do other people care whether I'm a SAHM or a WM? More importantly, why do I care that they care? Maybe people should mind their own schmidt and stop worrying about what everyone else is doing...
"Listen, no sympathy from me." Pssh. Now, I have three kids and I own a business. A real one. I have an income and my business is my escape. I am completely aware that being a stay-at-home mom is extremely difficult and tiresome.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter if you're a business owner mom, a stay at home mom, a work at home mom or a work out of the home mom. It's not a competition. You're all tired. With three kids, I have done all of the above. Nothing irritates me more than the lack of empathy when you all should be providing emotional support. Being tired is not a competition, people.
If you're competing over who is the most stressed and overworked ... Really? Really? That's what you got out of the article? That's your mission? Your mission is to be miserable? -.-
Everyone chooses different lifestyles based on what is most fitting for THEIR family. There is no right or wrong! There shouldn't be any competition!
Thanks for the good laugh! It's great to see that you are owning being a SAHM and clearly this hits home for so many others. I also want to print this off and share with those who like to ask "What do you do all day?"
ReplyDelete