Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Don't Use Twitter When You Have PMS

Last week I found myself inexplicably grouchy. And no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to shake off my B. Then it occurred to me that rather than suffering from some sort of undiagnosed mood disorder, it was PMS.  Why does it come a surprise every, single time?  I am dumber than a sack of hair.  For realz.

And next time? I need to stay away from Twitter until it passes.

Here are some examples of why Lydia should not tweet while suffering from PMS:

#1. I woke up with a unpleasant start.  A major momFAIL is no way to start the day:

"Realized the Tooth Fairy shirked her duty AGAIN & had to create an elaborate excuse about how the tooth fairy had head lice & couldn't work"

#2: I then pulled a Lydia:
"New shirt. Awesome! Coffee boobstain within 10 minutes of putting it on for the first time? F*cking perfect."

#3: By 10:00am, I had noticed a change in my toddler:

"Since yesterday my 2 yo can speak English. It's ceaseless. She chatters like a monkey non-stop. I really miss yesterday."

#4: And this might have been too much information for most people:

#5: Ditto this:

"Just found a gray eyebrow hair & I plucked that sonfabitch right out but then I hiccup-cried for 10 minutes bc it means I'm really old."

#6: Then it all started to make sense:

#6: Then the big kids got home from school and the festival of good behavior and awesome parenting began:

"Son, did you notice you're only wearing one shoe? Any idea where the other one is? Of course not."

 #7: Shared another momFAIL that I should have kept to myself:

"Mini-me spends more time in the Thinking Chair than she does at the table. She now points to it & says: Oh, dats MY place."

#8: And then the children conspired to make me crazy, after I spent hours cooking the special dinner they begged for...

#9: You know what everyone loves to hear? Any by everyone I mean NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER:

"Momma! Dere's poop on my hands! And on me! And da potty! And da floor! HA HA HA!!!"

#10: And after a truly enjoyable ninety minutes trying to get my adorable yet whiny offspring to make the transition from "in bed" to "asleep", I took a few minutes to sink into a much-needed TV coma.  Then I noticed that the Cap'n was still not home from work.  That realization precipitated the following:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. hahahaha made my day. not only does my pms surprise me everytime, it surprises my husband too. poor guy never sees me coming :)

  2. Yes! It's so true! Every month, it's a huge surprise. What is our problem??

  3. It's a surprise to me every month too. Act like a jackhole to my fiancee for 2 days straight and then have to backtrack, apologize, and explain myself when I realize it was all PMS. Every. Single. Month.

  4. It's so nice to know I'm not alone.

  5. Fantastic! Thanks for making my day and letting me know that I'm not alone!

  6. LOVE the beer comment!!! So going to use that one - that ought to get him to call when he's going to be late.

  7. i might have to use twitter just to read these ;)

  8. loved it! you made my day! nice to know I'm 'normal' when it comes to that one 'special' week every month. :)

    You guy's are crazy.

  9. Seriously, I haven't spent *that* much of my 30+ (and ++) years pregnant/nursing, you'd think I'd have this menstruating pattern thing down by now!

    Also, in my house the tooth fairy pays a lot of "interest" because she runs so "behind" every stinking time.

  10. Maybe TMI, but definitely the laugh I needed this morning!!

  11. Karen in BrooklynJune 1, 2011 at 9:09 AM

    Oh I SO hear you! My PMS has become comically bad as I approach 40. Like DSM-diagnosable, bats*** crazy. Gallons of fish oil and progesterone cream from the health food store help keep me off the ledge and the crime-scene tape off my door. Menopause would be fine any time now!

  12. The festival of good behavior and awesome parenting - yes that sounds *just* like my house. And good for you with the lice; I just tell my kids that the toothfairy drinks too much.

  13. you guys make me laugh so hard every morning. Sometimes my 4yo twin boys are a little scared and confused by it and start sorta laughing with me. SO glad to know i'm not alone!! LOVE IT!!!

  14. I'm just glad that it's not just my house where the tooth fairy can be unforgivably tardy!

  15. I love the beer idea. Yep...totally gonna use that one net time the jackhole is late.

  16. Guess what, there's an app for that! And yes, I totally use it or else we would have total mommy melt down once a month and my husband would be cowering in the garage. Now if only he would get the app too... he would know not to mess with the madness...

  17. Oh wow, this hit too close to home. My facebook post from yesterday was:
    I discovered eight grey hairs in one eyebrow this morning.
    After much internets research my options are:
    A- Pluck them and run the risk of looking like Vanilla Ice with my bald brow patch.
    B- Dye them. Using Just-For-Men seems ironic. And funny.
    C- Let them be. Being mistaken for Wilford Brimley is not a road I want to travel.

    I skipped the hiccup crying part and just went straight to the 5 pound container of cookie dough my mom left on the doorstep that morning. It's like she knew something was wrong...

  18. This is both hilarious and uncomfortably familiar. I've started writing PMS in big red block letters in the calendar as a warning to the family and a reminder to myself.

    Momster Tales

  19. Yes! Completely been there...except after a good screaming match with my daughter we'll have a good cry/laugh over some ice cream...yup, she's not quite 5.

  20. oh sweet maude, that was awesome. It surprises me too, especially since it seems I'm teetering on the edge of perimenopause, and no longer regular! So I can't tell if I'm really batshit crazy, pms-ing, or just a really awful person.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  21. Aaand now I have to follow you on Twitter!

  22. OMW. I am sitting here laughing hysterically and my husband is staring at me like he might need to commit me.

  23. I WANT you to tweet when you're PMSing, and on caffeine, and drunk, and without sleep, and at a PTA meeting.

    That's when the gooooooooood stuff comes out.

  24. HAHA! I feel you. HOWEVER! Try PMS 3 times in ONE MONTH right before your husband deploys!! 0.< Can we say miserable? My husband was gone for 3 weeks for training, I saw him for a week, and he's gone again. 3 periods in virtually a 4 week time frame..can we say spastic? Yes we can!!! And I did..My poor 18 poor poor schmidt..I think it's all gone..

  25. I am not sure if I can blame PMS but I wanted a day at home with my youngest today and now I need a drink. It's noon somewhere right? If only my constant state of being a "B" could be blamed on PMS. I think I wore that excuse out.

  26. I think maybe I have PMS all.the.time, because there wasn't one of those tweets I found anything wrong with. Except maybe the making lasagne one, because I don't really ever think there's a time when I should spend all afternoon cooking.

  27. PMS sneaks up on me also. I think it also makes me anemic because all I want to eat that week is hamburgers and steak. And chocolate.

  28. That is absolutely hilarious. And strangely, not one of your tweets seemed unusual to me. ;) Guess only a fellow PMSing mom can relate.

  29. Heh. The last time I had PMS, I tweeted, "I fucking hate other parents". Really endeared myself to my followers.

  30. AHAHA!
    Some of these comments made me laugh just as hard as your column.

    Also, the Tooth Fairy has had to make several attempts in our house as well. You're not alone.

  31. It's not my eyebrows that are grey, but the hair *down there* that my husband thought was funny to pluck when I made him confirm my find. I'm seriously contemplating waxing as a way to ignore the outbreak. -Rikkashaye

  32. You know, I'm going to have to sign up for the Twitter now. There goes that 20 minutes a day that I wasn't on the laptop..........

    PS. My verification word is "wusnalm". That is AWESOME.

  33. oh thank you for this--helps to know i am not the only one out there saying things that don't sound so great on the re-play later. went nuclear on my non-sharing, screaming but frustratingly cute 2 year old the other day and felt like a total dirtbag. and promptly started my period. if there is a god, i am voting that his gender is male.

  34. You are so funny. PMS posting sure is hilarious, please don't stop! I was worried I'd forget my first tooth fairy duties last night, so I don't think that's an unusual thing to do- good recovery! (And by the way, if you ever need a good resource on caring for kids' teeth, I've found this Mom's Guide to be helpful: Thanks for this post. As a mom of little kids I can sure relate to so much of this! :)

  35. Oh my gosh! We had the same day!!!

  36. LOL. I always have to stop myself from tweeting to the world that I went through an entire box of SUPER PLUS in ONE DAY. Awesome. "I enjoy being a girl." Not.

    ps - I'm as dumb as a bag of hair, too, because I'm always shocked at why I'm so bitchy and eating so much chocolate. :P

  37. I so totally forgot the Tooth Fairy one night and when I went into work I got a friend to email me a letter from said Tooth Fairy (so I could totally print the email and have the To: and From: section at the top) to my daughter explaining why she didn't come the previous night. It had a pretty girly border and typed all in that fancy script in pink no less. It worked and she loved it. I still have the email in my inbox and she has the hard copy still too.

    Here is what it said:

    Dear Beau....

    I heard that you lost a new tooth!!!! I can't tell you how happy to hear that you're losing your baby teeth and are on your way to becoming a big girl!!!! Unfortunately, you're not the only big girl whose loosing teeth! I am so backed up because there are just tons of boys and girls all over the world who are loosing their teeth too and it's just so hard for me to make it to every house because there's just not enough hours in one night! But I promise that I'll be at your house Friday night so you need to make sure that you're asleep early so I can stop by and put money under your pillow and collect your tooth and add it to my collection! The reason why I'm waiting to get your tooth, is because I know it's better than any of the other teeth I'll get this week and I want to end my week the best way possible! Now be a good girl for your Mommy and I'll make sure to come and see you on Friday!

    The Tooth Fairy




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