Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Don't Use Twitter When You Have PMS

Last week I found myself inexplicably grouchy. And no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to shake off my B. Then it occurred to me that rather than suffering from some sort of undiagnosed mood disorder, it was PMS.  Why does it come a surprise every, single time?  I am dumber than a sack of hair.  For realz.

And next time? I need to stay away from Twitter until it passes.

Here are some examples of why Lydia should not tweet while suffering from PMS:

#1. I woke up with a unpleasant start.  A major momFAIL is no way to start the day:

"Realized the Tooth Fairy shirked her duty AGAIN & had to create an elaborate excuse about how the tooth fairy had head lice & couldn't work"

#2: I then pulled a Lydia:
"New shirt. Awesome! Coffee boobstain within 10 minutes of putting it on for the first time? F*cking perfect."

#3: By 10:00am, I had noticed a change in my toddler:

"Since yesterday my 2 yo can speak English. It's ceaseless. She chatters like a monkey non-stop. I really miss yesterday."

#4: And this might have been too much information for most people:

#5: Ditto this:

"Just found a gray eyebrow hair & I plucked that sonfabitch right out but then I hiccup-cried for 10 minutes bc it means I'm really old."

#6: Then it all started to make sense:

#6: Then the big kids got home from school and the festival of good behavior and awesome parenting began:

"Son, did you notice you're only wearing one shoe? Any idea where the other one is? Of course not."

 #7: Shared another momFAIL that I should have kept to myself:

"Mini-me spends more time in the Thinking Chair than she does at the table. She now points to it & says: Oh, dats MY place."

#8: And then the children conspired to make me crazy, after I spent hours cooking the special dinner they begged for...

#9: You know what everyone loves to hear? Any by everyone I mean NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER:

"Momma! Dere's poop on my hands! And on me! And da potty! And da floor! HA HA HA!!!"

#10: And after a truly enjoyable ninety minutes trying to get my adorable yet whiny offspring to make the transition from "in bed" to "asleep", I took a few minutes to sink into a much-needed TV coma.  Then I noticed that the Cap'n was still not home from work.  That realization precipitated the following:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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