Take heart! Results may vary. Kate has three kids and wears tight jeans that are white and looks amazing. But she may be a witch. We don’t know yet – we’re still waiting for lab results. Many of us look a little more well-nourished than we did pre-offspring. And that’s ok. We’re working on it, and we’re still sexy as a candy panda, just like before we had kids. Only in slightly bigger pants and wider shoes.
No matter how much you love being a parent, you’re not going to enjoy every minute of this gig. There are a million different ways to have a bad day as a parent. And honestly, I didn’t even know what a bad day felt like until I had one where something went very wrong with one of my kids. And in addition to the suckage of having a craptastic day, you have the added sensation of being shivved in the kidney by maternal guilt because all you really want is an early bedtime so you can melt into the couch for a few hours. No matter how crazy in love you are with your kidlets, you may occasionally feel like you want to run screaming for the exits.* It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent, it makes you normal.
*Just don't actually do it. Or if you do, come right back.
People are going to say stupid sh*t. I am constantly amazed at the things people think it’s OK to say. And this is coming from me -- someone who says all kinds of stupid stuff daily. Maybe these folks don’t know that what they’re saying is assholic. Maybe they don’t care. Here’s what we suggest – when someone says something like: “You should snatch that pacifier right out of her mouth. Here, let me do it for you. Wait, I’ll just wipe my hands off first – I was cutting up some raw chicken.” Just walk away. Don’t give in to the perfectly normal urge to kickpunch or teach your children new four letter words. Just smile and nod and back away as fast as you can. Meanwhile scream the following at them but only with your eyes: “YOU ARE F*CKING MOONBAT, SPITTING CHERRY PITS CRAZY AND YOU MAY NOT TOUCH MY BABY, SALMONELLA HANDS!”
The Blur is real. You know what The Blur is? It’s like that feeling you used to have the day after a really bad hangover. When everything seemed a little fuzzy and you couldn’t remember where you left your
It’s kind of scary. I now live in a world where I have something to lose. Pre-kids, I usually put my own needs at the top of my to-do list and was vapid enough to think that nothing really bad could ever happen to me. But right after I became a mom, I had this horrible epiphany - bad things can happen. Danger is real. I am all that is keeping something dreadful from happening to this tiny, little, precious critter. Holy crap. Were cars always this dangerous? Did they always go in reverse? How are we supposed to get home from the hospital in a way that is 100% safe from collision? Wait. Were there always sex offenders everywhere? There’s what in the milk at the store? And my apples are coated with what? GAHHHH!!!
It all sort of boils down to one truth, which is of course the one thing that everyone does tell you: You will love your kids so much that you’ll do anything for them. So even if it drives you slightly moon-batty in the process, you'll find yourself a deeply-changed, usually much improved person. Clarification - a better person surrounded by cuteness that will never learn to clean its room.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011