Friday, June 10, 2011

Top 10 Random Whucktastic Kid Statements

I know that my kids are little weirdos and I have to say - I really like it that way.  Sometimes they'll say something, with total authority, and it is hilarious.  Every couple of days they'll say something that I'm completely unprepared for and I have to write it down or I'll forget it (because I am dumber than a sack of grass - for realz, my short term memory is approaching the level of Dory from Nemo). 

Here are a few examples of things my kids have said to me recently, that have made me go: Whuck? 

10. No! You will now call me Luke Underwire. For that is my name.

9. You're wrong, Mommy. Buffy isn't even real. The best show that ever been on TV ever, ever is Full House.

8. It's not tattling on my sister if she's being a butt.

7. Mom, when we have a really awesome family rock band, you're just going to play the xylophone.

6. There are four seasons. They're very important. One of them is salt. Another is pepper. I'm pretty sure one of the other ones is garlic.

5. It's not a whore's tash.  I don't even know what that is.  It's a horse-stache.  A horse with a mustache.  Come on, mommy.

Yah. I did it. And it smells howwible.
4. It's almost Father's Day. I really think we need to get Daddy some adult diapers this year.

3. I'm sad. Can I have a puppy?
2. Mommy says you haffa change your socks every day. But Mommy is WRONG.

1. That's not a cupholder. That's my evil experiment. I put stuff in it every day to see what happens to it. Yah. That's prolly why the van smells like that.

And just in case you wondered what one looked like...

This is a horsestache.


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

34 comments:

  1. SO HILARIOUS!!! You'll appreciate this: The other day my 5 yr old daughter sauntered in to see my husband, was messing around with papers in his office and he told her to skeedaddle -- She looks at him and says "Don't start." And he's like, say what?? And she goes, "Don't start with me." Guess Mommy should pay more attention to what comes out of her mouth, no?? ~Melissa

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  2. I love reading your blog in the morning... the laughing really wakes me up. The adult diapers comment got a huge chortle from me.

    I only have a 3 year old but he says some pretty funny things that I try to write about, too, like here:
    http://gratefullygrowingingrace.blogspot.com/2011/05/what-did-you-say-part-2-and-what-did.html
    I'm still confused as to why my preschooler wants me to call him "King"? Ahh... young minds.

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  3. adorable! this is why we have kids!

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  4. One day my daughter, then two, walked in the bathroom after my husband had just gotten out of a shower. She looked at him and asked innocently, "You gotta tail?"

    Three years later, my husband and I still laugh about that one.

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  5. My favorite as of late came when we discovered the birds also enjoyed our strawberries off the one strawberry plant I own. My son, at the tender age of 4.5 started running through the yard, screaming at the top of his lungs "I'm gonna chop your peckers off!" I bought screening to put over the strawberries and my eldest son asked if it was "Pecker Protector Screening"? If you don't laugh, you will cry...

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  6. OH!!! I love when my kids make my jaw drop! These are hilarious. I definitely needed it this morning! Here is a conversation between my firstborn and myself.

    Thing 1: "Mommy, I have a penis, Daddy has a penis and 'Thing 2' has a penis."
    Me: "Yep. That's right."
    Thing 1: "You don't have a penis."
    Me: "I do not."
    Thing 1: "That's okay Mom. We'll go get you a penis at Wal-Mart."

    I love that kid.

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  7. My husband ordered some sunflower seeds from nutsonline.com. My 5-year old and I had been out running errands and when we got home the UPS man had delivered the seeds. My son asked what it was and I told him, but he saw the picture of the pistachio on the side of the box and started yelling, "The GPS man brought Daddy's nuts! Momma Daddy's nuts are here." I couldn't get him in the house fast enough!

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  8. ZOMG!!! This is great... my son is 18 months, and his most current whuck word has been p*$*y. ( and in case you don't get it..term for a domesticated feline. I know it's NOT what he's saying..I think he's trying to say pretty or maybe putty..(like Put-t) Because he's in his serious gibberish phase. And it sounds like that BUT we don't use that word in our house so I'm not sure where he would even get it from, I think it's just the 'th' factor. and it's probably puthy or something. HOWEVER he did learn S**T when at childcare for a yellow ribbon even we had to attend for my deployed husband. It has become his new favorite word..mommy doesn't like it, and since daddy has been gone he uses it when mommy is busy or not giving him what he wants...too smart at 18 months if you ask me!

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  9. Yay for 2 things. Love today's post, my kids also say the most amazing things.. but I forget it b4 I find the paper to jot it down on. Second yay is for the mobile site! Thanks makes the morning read so much faster!

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  10. I was giving my 3 1/2 year old a goodnight kiss when she grabbed the back of my neck and started to bring me closer saying, "Mommy, kiss me like the prince kisses the princess as the wind blows our hair!". Too many Disney movies, I guess!

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  11. Love it! My 4th grader came home from school the other day after watching the Maturation video. He said "Mom, do you know men get erosions?". I said. "you mean erections?". He looked at me like I was an idiot. "No mom, they are called erosions."

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  12. The next time my husband decides to grow a mustache I'm totally calling it s "whore's tash". That'll teach him.

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  13. Love it! Love it! Love it! When my daughter was 3 she said, with great authority "Fools live in the woods, mommy.". After a long confusing conversation where I tried to figure out what she meant, I finally gave up and agreed. I mean, if you decide to forgo some kind of housing and choose to live in the woods, you must not be the sharpest crayon in the box. Then from the backseat came an exasperated sigh and a voice... "FOOLS, mommy - you know baby horses. They live in the woods."

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  14. LOVE IT. My daughter is 6. I asked her if she wanted to make an art project for grandma's birthday. She said "I don't want to use up all my paper because we need oxygen!" (Tree hugger in training)

    Then she says "Grandma says she needs a bathing suit for old people. Lets get her one of those!"

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  15. My husband had a thing for the line "badges, we donn need no stinkin' badges"...from some Humphrey Bogart movie. That line transferred into everything...."trashbags, we donn need no stinkin' trashbags, dogs, we donn need no stinkin dogs," you get the idea.

    My then 2 year old got scolded and told to go to her room. As she was stomping up the steps, she turned, looked at my husband, and with a look of utter contempt muttered...yes, you guessed it....

    "DADDIES. We donn need no stinkin' daddies!"

    We managed to withold our hysterical laughter until we heard her door slam shut.

    She is now 15.....and still a pistol.

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  16. My 7 year old & I were talking at bedtime last night about how being pretty comes from the inside. I told her that if she's pretty on the inside, then that will shine through to the outside. She said, "Yeah, and you won't have to wear makeup. Unless you're going somewhere and you're old." HAHAHAHAHAHA

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  17. My favorite "whuck" with my 6 yr old so far is when he told me: "Mommy, you're MEAN! You're not Mommy any more but Michael Jackson!!" (Didn't know the kid even knew who that was since we don't listen to his music and such.)

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  18. My three year old asked her dad who was trying to get out of the shower, "Daddy, where did your booty go? Oh there it is under your junk." Apparently we need to add anatomy lessons to the things Dora the Explorer teaches her. LOL!

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  19. Best this I have heard from a kid's mouth this week:

    While standing outside by a fountain where people throw coins, I saw a family with two little boys playing and having fun. One little boy excitedly yelled, “I want to make a wish!” The other little boy, equally excited, yelled, “I don’t want to waste money!” Kids are different. Awesome.

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  20. My 3 year old niece LOVES parties, especially birthday parties. For her dad's b-day this year, they just had dinner at home and then went out for ice cream. While they sat and ate ice cream, she asked, "Daddy, where are all of your friends??". To her it was the lamest party ever.

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  21. Anonymous: the line your husband loves is from a Mel Brooks movie called Blazing Saddles. Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges! Love it! :)

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  22. My 3 year old walked in on an intimate moment between my husband and I. She look horrified and she said " Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?! No, Daddy, NO!!!!"

    We are still traumatized.

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  23. Last night the "baby" dumped a whole glass of water on the floor. I said his name loudly, and my mom was over and asked what we were going to do with him. The big boy, who is 4, says "clean him, for starters". We laughed so hard it took us forever to clean the water up off the wood floor. They always crack us up.

    Thanks for your posts. They are always awesome.

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  24. The comments are hysterical. I keep checking back to find out what else has been said. Thanks to everything for a laugh at the end of an exhausting week.

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  25. I got one for ya. When my first born was about 3 yrs old, we were trying to teach him 2 things. #1) Use your fork not your hands. #2) Don't talk with food in your mouth.

    After several "reminders" at meal time, about both issues, I once again reminded him NOT to use his hands, use his fork to eat his spaghetti and meatballs. Just as I put a rather large mouthful of spaghetti in my mouth, he looks at me with a wicked glint in his eye, and uses his hands to shove a mouthful of spaghetti in. I opened my mouth to remind him, AGAIN, and he quickly bursts out "NO NO mommy don't talk with food in your mouth!" I couldn't swallow fast enough I was laughing so hard i was choking!

    I love kids!!

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  26. Years ago I worked for a doctor that was really big into patient education and often had plastic models of various body parts on exam room counters. As discreet as we tried to be, sometimes models were left out before the next patient went in. One particular room had a model of a woman's reproductive organs and associated "outside anatomy". A mom with 2 young boys were put into that exam room and I hear the younger boy, age 3, ask the older brother, age 5, "what is that?" The older brother says, "That's an ear stupid, can't you tell?!?"

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  27. I was reading the book the other day when my 3YO daughter came up to me and started poking me very hard in the same spot on my stomach. I asked her what she was doing and, very seriously, she said 'If I poke here the baby is going to be a girl. If it's a boy now poking here will make the willy go back in, and it'll be a girl." I can't figure out where it came from.
    She was very triumphant when we came back from our ultrasound the other day and announced we were having a girl. She's taking all the credit.

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  28. ha ha!! Love it:) As I was changing my THREE YEAR OLDS diaper the other day. . I guess i had a pretty nasty expression on my face. . cause he looked up at me and in the sweetest voice, staring into my eyes with his big blues ones, whispered. . ."you know mommy. . if you needed your diaper changed, I'd do it. . "

    I just about cried. .

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  29. My sister was watching my 3 year old daughter the other day. They were getting out of the car and my sister told her to get her bag. My 3 year old looked at the bag and then back to my sister and said "that is not an acceptable bag for a single woman!". Seriously, where do they come up with this stuff???

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  30. So when my youngest was 2, he would alway walk around with one crock on, looking for the other one yelling...."mommeeeeee...I can't find my cock!" ~Erinn

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  31. Last year my son and daughter (then 4.5 and 2) were pretending to paint my husband's nails when my son announced, "I'm going to paint my penis", not to be outdone, my daughter said, "I'm going to paint my gina".

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  32. When I was in my teens, one of my little brothers friends, who couldn't have been more than 6 told me "Back in the 1960s, before there were cars, people use to ride Flipper around everywhere." That poor dolphin must have been exausted.

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  33. Hey don't feel so bad about the xylophone. I've got a degree in music and the xylophone is freaking hard to play well! You take that xylophone and you rock it!!

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  34. When we told our daughter, Robin, that we were expecting, she promptly informed us that we were having a boy, and we HAD to name him Batman. Ah yes, the Geekery is strong with that one.

    Oh, and we did end up having a boy. However, his name is NOT Batman.

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