Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wait! It's Summer? Now? Crap.
My kids didn't go to school today. I got them up, fed, brushed, backpacked and when I hustled them out the door, Lefty said, "Uh, mom. School ended yesterday."
It's Tuesday. Since when does school end in on a Tuesday? And, apparently, at 11:30am on a Tuesday. What use is that? So the teachers can look at those faces and say, "Good Morning, children! Now, grab your backpacks! School is over. Aren't your moms are going to be shocked to see you?" and then dismiss them for the day and THEN probably cackle like a horde of deranged crows.
I was at work when they came home yesterday, all complain-y because they had to walk. It's three blocks through our neighborhood, but you would have thought they were in Bataan the way they were carrying on. McLovin would have been less surprised to see Elvis standing at the door than he was when the children returned. Then he called me.
McLovin: The children are home.
Kate: Are they ill?
McLovin: They said that school is over.
McLovin: They. said. that. school. is. over.
Kate: Over what?
McLovin: The rainbow, Kate. The school is over the rainbow.
Kate: I'm very confused.
McLovin: I'm hanging up now.
Kate: But wait! Are the children ill or something?
By the time I got home, I'd forgotten all about it, and actually asked the IHPs if they had finished their homework. At the time, what with the enthusiastic -- though slightly perplexed -- nodding, I actually thought they were being proactive. Now, in retrospect, I've discovered that those evil children are willing to lie to my face.
And now I'm faced with three freshly-sprung-from-the-rigors-of-school children, and no plan, and no camp until next Monday. And, they're all looking at me...and I've forgotten how to use The Force and make them think things they wouldn't normally think. Things like, "I think I'll go clean my room..." or "I want to fold laundry..." or "Mommy isn't crazy at all..." And I can tell that, right now, they're all thinking the same thing: Mommy has no plan. This is sanctioned mutiny. We need to misbehave, right now, while her brain is stuck.
Then the phone rang.
Liz: Did you know school was over?
Kate: Noooooo. I'm just now figuring that out.
Liz: Was there a note sent home?
Kate: No. I think they did this to screw with us.
Liz: So, what are you going to do?
Kate: Well, first I immediately panicked. Then, I -- nothing. I'm still immediately panicking.
Liz: Is it possible to immediately panic for more than a few seconds?
Kate: Seeing as I'm still doing it, yes. [whispering] What are we going to do with them?
Liz: Ummmm, I have the trampoline.
Kate: I have snacks and a coupon for Papa John's.
Liz: The pool?
Kate: GAH! No! Stop. They aren't supposed to be here. It's WEDNESDAY.
Liz: Right. Sorry. I was just immediately panicking. The trampoline has that net around it. And the yard has a fence.
Kate: I think that'll work. [to the IHPs] Children? Want to go play on the trampoline across the street?
IHPS: [something very loud] ASOTJATQPUI$ITV OKFAPCG SIH ORK!
Kate: [to self] I'm deaf. [to IHPs] Get your shoes. [to Liz] We're on our way.
All in all, it was a pretty good day. This summer thing might not be too bad. Lydia, after all, keeps her kids home all summer. They do fun things and go places and visit museums and zoos and parks and stuff, and she seems to think that it's awesome. And, I *essentially* make all those same things happen for my kids. The IHPs do fun things and go places and visit museums and zoos and parks and stuff and it's awesome and that's when I think to myself that Summer Camp is a wonderful thing.
Because there's only so many days I can have them bounce on a trampoline.
Also, immediately panicking is a lot harder than it sounds. I should know. I'll be doing it until Monday when camp starts.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
I am a Girl Scout leader. The following is a transcript of a recent troop meeting. [I t is also satire and completely made up.] ...
Whole30 Day 0: Later this week, I'm starting a diet/nutrition/sadness program called Whole30 . Where you eat nothing but strict Pa...
Last Friday, roughly 25% of the second grade at my kids' school was sent home with a nasty stomach bug that had kids puking in buckets...
Guru Louise and I asked you about what most teachers really want for end of the year gifts. We got hundreds of answers on Facebook , Tw...
I recently listened to a podcast about space junk , the man-made debris floating around in Earth’s orbit. It discussed how one Cold War-e...
So last summer, my youngest daughter (age 5) began seeing previews for a new Dora show called Dora and Friends: Into the City! Gone was th...
When I got the email with this guest post in it, I was very happy because I know a bunch of moms with ADD or ADHD - and you know what? ...
I sometimes think I'm the only one who wonders about bizarro things like if the Blue Wiggle is hot in real life* or what the hell happen...
Hi friends! Hi and waving! Julie here. Trying to wrap my head around doing this Whole 30 thing when I'm not sure I even want to. My ol...
We’ve had a lot of people ask us to write a post about the seemingly innocent topic of the Mother-in-Law. Seriously, people? Are you kidding...