Thursday, June 30, 2011

Welcome to Wegmans, Ladies...Now Get Busy

Let's start by saying that, for the first time in twenty-four days, Kate didn't go to work. Which was good because Lydia was thisclose to squaring up on her because Lydia already has someone who leaves everything in her hands so that other person can go be busy elsewhere and let's face it, Kate is neither as good looking nor as equitable with her wallet as the Cap'n is.

Two things happened this week. First, as you know, Lydia has a new addition to her family. In the form of a fuzzball named Brady. He's super adorable and Kate got to meet him yesterday. WOOT! He has those feet that make him look like Emmanuel Lewis met Shaquille O'Neal. Add in the hardwood floors at Lydia's house and Brady just sort of splashes on the floor when he's tired and all four paws go in nine different directions and then he sorta looks like a frog. When I explained that to Lefty, he grabbed himself and said, "Is Brady a boy?" and I said yep, and then he tried to say something else but he just sorta did this inhalation gasping and I think he's finally gotten to the age where he feels vicarious pain. I'm still thinking about telling him that eventually Brady will get fixed, but I fear that Lefty's left hand will never let go of -- well, lefty. 

The second thing that happened was unprecedented in MommyLand...after nearly two years together, Kate and Lydia went on a errand together. With no kids. For the first time, it was just us...to be fair, we had a conference call we had to do, which happened over Lydia's terrible cell phone speaker while sitting in the Big White Tampon...then we went grocery shopping.

It's weird running an errand with your friend. I mean, I've been in Lydia's house about eleventy-three thousand times, but it's a whole new level of information to see what she actually buys at the store. OH! And she didn't have a list OR coupons! Not surprisingly, I had a list...BUT I also had coupons. We'll give you a minute to get your head around that. Hey, it was seven dollars off. That's like 1/114th of a pair of shoes. For free.

[Editor's note: Kate is a lying whore. I did have a list. I just didn't USE it. Besides, a 4 lb bag of frozen periogies is always a good idea. - Lydia]

We finally wandered away from each other, but then would run into each other ten aisles later, and pretend to be all surprised and delighted to see each other. At one point,  I think I said to Lydia, "I just need to get toothpaste and batteries" and Lydia made that face that makes it clear she's thinking something gross.

OH! And Lydia was in cute jeans and a white t-shirt with no boobstains and Kate was in flip flops, no makeup and had a headband on. Pure trainwreck. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what Lydia wrote about this week over at Parent's Connect. Fortunately, she was talking about herself...

Lydia also wrote about what NOT to say to a stay at home mom, unless you want her to get an eye twitch. And start plotting against you.  Intentionally provoking a mommy in a bad day is sort of like poking a badger with a spoon.

As if that wasn't enough, when we were checking out, Lydia imploded into a fit of weirdness and stupidity for no apparent reason...

Lydia: Ohmygod. Did you see that?
Kate: Uhh, no. What?
Lydia: That lady? Coming out of  the bathroom? Wearing the super extra very tight yoga pants and boobstain shirt holding a book? The older lady?
Kate: I'm lost.
Lydia: C'mon, Fancy! Pay attention! Am I almost her? Am I close?
Kate: Whu--?
Lydia: She just casually strolled out of the bathroom carrying a book! Like, just admitting that she was going to be there for a while. Shooting a deuce.  At Wegman's. And she didn't care who knew it.  Is that me? Is that where I'm headed? Oh god. Am I there yet?
Kate: No. Stupid. You're fine. You're close, but I'm never going to let you get that far. Did you happen to notice that I'm wearing a headband. A. head. band.
Lydia: Do you need a book, too?
Kate: Maybe when we get back to your house. Hooker.

It was the most awesome grocery store trip ever. Mostly because Lydia spent more money than Kate did. By fourteen dollars...I'm so gonna tell the Cap'n about this. Right after I rat on her that she didn't use any coupons.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

10 comments:

  1. Wegmans? I'm so jealous!! That's were my sisters and I hang out when we are in NY. Because we're cool like that. Yup.

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  2. I hope that book was hers and she didn't put it back on a shelf somewhere!

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  3. Lydia: Do you need a book, too?
    Kate: Maybe when we get back to your house. Hooker.

    I laughed so hard I snorted.lol...
    You guys never disappoint.

    Sharron in Florida

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  4. My 3yo walked over to me while I was reading this, saw the look on my face and said, "Mommy, what's wrong? You look worried." I replied, "Kate was wearing a headband, sweetie. And now the universe is totally out of whack."

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  5. I just LOVE the narrated pictures you put in these!!

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  6. My bff and I go grocery shopping sometimes late at night. It's just us, the guy running the huge floor waxing machine, and a few interesting characters for us to make up conversations for. Grocery shopping is so much better that way. Though I usually get home and realize I forgot half the stuff I needed.
    Thanks for the laughs ladies!

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  7. Random note, I saw this on Huffpo and thought of you guys...
    http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/jessica-holmes/mother-story_b_878219.html?ir=Comedy

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  8. Comic brilliance, as per usual. :)
    I'm going to try calling my girlfriends hookers and whores. Will weed out those with no sense of humor.

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  9. Oh ladies, you so had me at the 'lying whore' and 'hooker' comments -- would it be weird for me to just come out and say I LOVE YOU over the internets to you?? Not weird right? ~Melissa

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  10. I call all my close girlfriends hookers which landed me in a tight spot with a very curious little girl...oops! Please don't repeat that at school honey!

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