Sunday, November 13, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why 3 is Worse Than 2

It seems to me that one of the most important things that no one told me about parenthood is that three is worse than two. Everyone is sort of prepared for the Terrible Two’s. Very few of us are ready for what happens next.

One of our brilliant readers suggested that people don't warn you about three for one reason. It's not that they hate you, it's that they can't bear to break it to you. Many of us are close to coming unhinged as we think the two's are winding down. Imagine running a marathon and getting to mile 25 only to find that the finish line has been moved up a year. They don't want to see the disappointment and bewilderment steal across your face like a dark shadow.

But this is the interwebs and I can't see you. So I'm going to tell you the truth. Three is a lot worse than two and here's why:

1. Three is two with intent.

2. The good news is, they can speak. Oh wait did I say good news? Guess who can parrot an overheard curse word perfectly? Except now they can do it understanding the importance of timing.

3. They’re mostly potty trained. Of course that also means that when they crap on the floor, it's even more disgusting and they’ve probably done it on purpose.

4. Their lungs are bigger. Therefore, the tantrums are louder – especially in public. They also are perfectly aware of what annoys and humiliates you. They know... Oh, they know.

5. Little girls get a wee bit emotional at three. Not a lot, just enough to turn your house into a damn telenovela.

6. Little boys act as if destruction and mayhem is their job. More than their job - their duty.

7. All of a sudden – they get picky, picky, picky. After eating macaroni and cheese every other day their whole life, get ready to hear: "Momma. I not gonna eat dese noodles. Dey haf cheese all over dem and dat's GROSS."

8. They're independent and doing more things for themselves, which means that doing anything now takes approximately forever.

9. They're smart. So you can no longer trick them into eating healthy things or playing quietly while you try to gather your shattered nerves. Also, they’re self-aware enough to weigh the consequences and take what’s coming to them. Flooding the bathroom floor is totally worth ten minutes in time out.

10. Are you ready to leave your house? Well, your toddler isn't. Are you ready to walk down the street? Your toddler isn't. Is it time for you to leave the playground? Well, your toddler really, really isn't. And that's why we call it turtle herding.

I speak the truth, hookers. I'm really sorry. And you're welcome.

But at least now you're prepared. Maybe.

xo, Lydia

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