Friday, July 1, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why We Don't Love DC on the Fourth of July

Especially if your name is Jimmy Smits.
Let us start by saying we LOVE LOVE LOVE living in our nation's capital. Or near it, anyway.  And, we say it like we're Forrest Gump and if we knew we could run through the Reflecting Pool on the Mall without getting either arrested or a water-borne disease, we'd totally do it.

And look at what is going on just a few miles from our homes:

 "America's national Independence Day celebration will be hosted by Emmy- and Golden Globe Award–winning actor Jimmy Smits*, and will feature unrivaled performances from some of the country's biggest musical names--including Grammy- and Emmy Award–winning actor and musician Steve Martin** with the Steep Canyon Rangers, multi-platinum recording superstar Josh Groban***, Tony-, Emmy-, and Golden Globe–nominated star of stage and screen Matthew Morrison (Glee)****, American Idol winner Jordin Sparks*****, rock 'n' roll legend Little Richard performing with the cast of the Broadway smash hit Million Dollar Quartet, and three-time Tony-nominated Broadway star Kelli O'Hara--all joined by the National Symphony Orchestra under the direction of top pops conductor Jack Everly." (from

*Ummmm... Hello hawtness, nice to meet ya.
**Love him. Have you seen his Hymn for Atheists? Hilarious. Genius.
***We have been IN LOVE with him since he sang Kanye's tweets.
****We just passed out. Where's his hotel? Let's go see if we can make him be our new best friend. Wait. That sounded stalkery. Just kidding!
*****No Air! Knows Moonbat Paula personally!
(we're running out of space, but you get the idea)

Even with all this awesomeness and the world's most amazing fireworks, there are very real and compelling reasons neither of us has ever ventured down to the Capitol to celebrate the Fourth of July...

10. It is always hot as balls. And it will rain. Not a good rain, where lightning strikes and the skies turn black and immortals battle because there can be only one and then afterwards it's nice and cool.  It's like a steam bath combined with a baby pool, and its worse after the rain stops.

9. Do you enjoy immense crowds of sweaty people who are confused and grouchy?  Then come on down.

8. Please don't give my kid fireworks. Or teach him how to use a lighter. I'd like him to wake up on the 5th of July with all ten fingers and a full head of hair, thanks.

7. Remember Snowmageddon? When Kate lost her mind, shoved a car in a ditch and possibly committed several felonies during her 14-mile commute home that took eight murthurfurkin hours? Let's just put it this way, if you have any intention of seeing those fireworks on the fourth, you need to start driving NOW.

6. Welcome to the Capitol, now please walk the other way. Roads and sidewalks are blocked off in a manner that makes you think you're participating in a government mass psychology experiment.  Yes, the porta-potty is ten feet in front of you. But its behind the magic yellow tape, so you must walk six blocks in a circle in order to use them. Sorry!

This will cost you $45 on July 4th in DC.
And it may give you Dysentery.

5. Dogs and small children do not find it magical. They find it terrifying.  Kate's dog loses his mind every year.

4. Get ready to see a lot of skin. On a lot of people. On people that maybe you wish you could un-see but you can't.

3. Looking for a cup of coffee? Or snack?  Or stinky, over-used public bathroom? Or bottle of water to stave off heat stroke? TFB. Just call an ambulance - except it can't reach you because the roads are blocked off.

2. July 4th, the Super Bowl and New Years Eve are the three days a year that douchebags feel totally entitled to be as noisy as possible until the wee hours of the morning.  On July 4th, the entire metro area is densely populated with douchebags.  Proceed with caution.

1. You feel the patriotic magic and it is truly amazing and beautiful.  Our city is spectacular. Take it all in.  And then... Stand there and enjoy it for like three more hours because that's how long it takes to walk back to your car.

And, chances are, when you do get back to your car, you'll find a nice, big, fat parking ticket on it.Happy Birthday, America. That'll be $195. 
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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