K & L's FOOTNOTES:
*Ummmm... Hello hawtness, nice to meet ya.
**Love him. Have you seen his Hymn for Atheists? Hilarious. Genius.
***We have been IN LOVE with him since he sang Kanye's tweets.
****We just passed out. Where's his hotel? Let's go see if we can make him be our new best friend. Wait. That sounded stalkery. Just kidding!
*****No Air! Knows
(we're running out of space, but you get the idea)
Even with all this awesomeness and the world's most amazing fireworks, there are very real and compelling reasons neither of us has ever ventured down to the Capitol to celebrate the Fourth of July...
10. It is always hot as balls. And it will rain. Not a good rain, where lightning strikes and the skies turn black and immortals battle because there can be only one and then afterwards it's nice and cool. It's like a steam bath combined with a baby pool, and its worse after the rain stops.
9. Do you enjoy immense crowds of sweaty people who are confused and grouchy? Then come on down.
8. Please don't give my kid fireworks. Or teach him how to use a lighter. I'd like him to wake up on the 5th of July with all ten fingers and a full head of hair, thanks.
7. Remember Snowmageddon? When Kate lost her mind, shoved a car in a ditch and possibly committed several felonies during her 14-mile commute home that took eight murthurfurkin hours? Let's just put it this way, if you have any intention of seeing those fireworks on the fourth, you need to start driving NOW.
6. Welcome to the Capitol, now please walk the other way. Roads and sidewalks are blocked off in a manner that makes you think you're participating in a government mass psychology experiment. Yes, the porta-potty is ten feet in front of you. But its behind the magic yellow tape, so you must walk six blocks in a circle in order to use them. Sorry!
|This will cost you $45 on July 4th in DC.|
And it may give you Dysentery.