Friday, July 8, 2011

Top Ten Things That Really Don't Go Together

Why is it that our children find things to do that are so insanely incompatible that it almost has to be some twisted form of genius? Kinda like the guy -- who's probably now a ka-jillionaire -- who said, "OH! Let's put telephones IN the bathrooms in hotels. Because people absolutely want to chat up a friend when they're sitting on the can."

Yet somehow, our children have found even more obscure, random and totally wrong pairings. We're pretty sure we're not alone in this boat. We're just wondering how many more *geniuses* there are out there. Our kids might be needing some inspiration.

Dear Children, These things do not go together...ever:

10. Shockingly...Sharpies and you. While your mom is all about tatting you up like you fell asleep in Kat von D's house, I actually draw things that make sense. And it was only when we got to the pool and you somehow had a mutant version of the Dark Mark in the middle of your back that I realized two things. One, that you must be a contortionist; and two, when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named shows up, he's gonna be pissssssssssssssed. We need to hide.

9. The swimming pool and a juice box. You've single-handedly shut down the baby pool three times this summer.

8. Eat while sitting on the toilet. We realize that you're just trying to make room in your little body for more food, but when you say things like, "this samwich tastes funny.." and you haven't washed your hands, we're really left to wonder what added little yummy you added to your PB&J. Like maybe a little extra P?

7. My camera and your butt. That's nice. I dropped that memory card off at CVS last night. And now CPS is showing up to have a "discussion" with me. Super.

6. A mirror and my makeup. GAH! AS if it wasn't bad enough that I walk into my powder room and naturally assume that you've been kidnapped by illiterates, but that was my Chanel lipstick! There's now an APB out for three tranny hooker clown wannabes. I'm still deciding if I want to pay the ransom.

5. Brush your teeth while fighting a stomach bug. Your gag reflex is already hair-trigger sensitive, I don't need you puking in the sink while trying to spit, and really, no matter how many times we wash it, I'm totally certain there's still stuff stuck in those bristles. Gross.

4. Five free minutes and a full diaper. Yes, dear, as a matter of fact I DID teach our 14-month old son the word "shit" -- had you discovered what I discovered, you would have turned him into Tony Soprano. 

3. A closed door and a tube of Desitin. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to get that off of you? It's intended to repel liquids.

2. Dish soap and the outdoors.I know you wanted to slide into second base. And I get that soap makes things slippy. But, baby, Daddy works really hard to make our yard look like the fourteenth fairway, and now it looks like we're waiting for the Playboy Bunnies to show up for an outdoor bubble bath/wrestling match. And there are places where you just don't want grass to'll understand when you're fifteen twenty-three forty.

1. You're adorable bald head and my hoo-hah. sigh....

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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