Friday, July 8, 2011

Top Ten Things That Really Don't Go Together

Why is it that our children find things to do that are so insanely incompatible that it almost has to be some twisted form of genius? Kinda like the guy -- who's probably now a ka-jillionaire -- who said, "OH! Let's put telephones IN the bathrooms in hotels. Because people absolutely want to chat up a friend when they're sitting on the can."

Yet somehow, our children have found even more obscure, random and totally wrong pairings. We're pretty sure we're not alone in this boat. We're just wondering how many more *geniuses* there are out there. Our kids might be needing some inspiration.

Dear Children, These things do not go together...ever:


10. Shockingly...Sharpies and you. While your mom is all about tatting you up like you fell asleep in Kat von D's house, I actually draw things that make sense. And it was only when we got to the pool and you somehow had a mutant version of the Dark Mark in the middle of your back that I realized two things. One, that you must be a contortionist; and two, when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named shows up, he's gonna be pissssssssssssssed. We need to hide.


9. The swimming pool and a juice box. You've single-handedly shut down the baby pool three times this summer.

8. Eat while sitting on the toilet. We realize that you're just trying to make room in your little body for more food, but when you say things like, "this samwich tastes funny.." and you haven't washed your hands, we're really left to wonder what added little yummy you added to your PB&J. Like maybe a little extra P?

7. My camera and your butt. That's nice. I dropped that memory card off at CVS last night. And now CPS is showing up to have a "discussion" with me. Super.

6. A mirror and my makeup. GAH! AS if it wasn't bad enough that I walk into my powder room and naturally assume that you've been kidnapped by illiterates, but that was my Chanel lipstick! There's now an APB out for three tranny hooker clown wannabes. I'm still deciding if I want to pay the ransom.


5. Brush your teeth while fighting a stomach bug. Your gag reflex is already hair-trigger sensitive, I don't need you puking in the sink while trying to spit, and really, no matter how many times we wash it, I'm totally certain there's still stuff stuck in those bristles. Gross.

4. Five free minutes and a full diaper. Yes, dear, as a matter of fact I DID teach our 14-month old son the word "shit" -- had you discovered what I discovered, you would have turned him into Tony Soprano. 



3. A closed door and a tube of Desitin. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to get that off of you? It's intended to repel liquids.

2. Dish soap and the outdoors.I know you wanted to slide into second base. And I get that soap makes things slippy. But, baby, Daddy works really hard to make our yard look like the fourteenth fairway, and now it looks like we're waiting for the Playboy Bunnies to show up for an outdoor bubble bath/wrestling match. And there are places where you just don't want grass to be...you'll understand when you're fifteen twenty-three forty.

1. You're adorable bald head and my hoo-hah. sigh....


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

30 comments:

  1. This is very funny as usual. I love reading your posts. I just have to let you know though, that the use of the word "tranny" is pretty offensive and not appropriate, unless you are in fact trans. It's like straight people saying f*g or white people sayin the n word. You just shouldn't. Sorry, don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but I just thought you would want to know it is more offensive than I think you think it is.

    ReplyDelete
  2. #3- use baby wipes! lots and lots of baby wipes!

    http://www.pikkuarkki.com/blog/?p=1636

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had #4 happen to me. It was HORRIBLE! Also had a similar situation happen to my daughter, but it was Vaseline... also HORRIBLE! (for anyone else in the situation, dish soap helps, but don't be surprised if your kids has a bit of a rash after, and good luck- you're gonna need it!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. #1. Sometimes I wish they'd just crawl back inside. They were still a pain in my bladder, ribs, back.....but at least they were quiet.

    Question: Have you written any potty training blogs? I could use one!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have one that just happened with a daycare boy of mine. Two things that don't go together are a FART and my LAP. then say"I can fart just like daddy"
    or while on the changing table, pretending to eat a babys toes then realize AFTER the fact that there was butt cream on her toes somehow!

    ReplyDelete
  6. After sun Aloe Vera gel and your hair. My little girl discovered this combo yesterday. It did wonders for the tangles in her millions of curls but it took three hair washes and a my eardrums (she's two. Obviously washing her hair was super fun :S) before the water finally wasn't running bright green.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Amen to #7! I bought a digital camera just so I could upload pics in the privacy of my own home rather than face the photo tech at Walgreens again.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You mean these things aren't normal?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I choked on my coffee at number one! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hand lotion and the cat. Yeeeaaahhh...

    ReplyDelete
  11. We actually found by putting the sprinkler under the trampoline & adding dish soap, our grass has never looked greener! So we just keep moving it around the yard. Who'd of thunk!?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've had #3 happen, not one, not 2 but 3 times! Always when she is dressed up really pretty as we are taking her to a party, for pictures or Church for dedication. DH was supposed to be watching her as I took my 5 minutes to throw my clothes on, do my hair and makeup with out little Miss Adventures hand pulling on my arm every second. The first time she had watched me brush my teeth and then tried to do it with the original desitin. Told me it tasted yummy too! ICK!

    Jrseygirl in VA

    ReplyDelete
  13. just had a full diaper and 5 minutes of free time for my little guy today. Not pretty! It was not only not pretty but if baby daddy were home he would have been screaming "HON!!!" like I am better at saving the day or something. Just because it seems like I'm shoveling shit against the tide some days, it doesn't really mean that I enjoy it. Damn that bladder of mine needing to empty when the lad was pooping his brains out.

    ReplyDelete
  14. That last picture with the diaper cream totally looks like my 2 year old daughter! And I think she's been covered head to toe in yogurt so almost the same pic.

    Number 1 = awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  15. any kind of crumbly, sticky cereal and my floors.

    ReplyDelete
  16. My children to decorate themselves with an entire tube of Destine on occasion. Nobody is happy by the time clean up is over. And baby nurseries need to come with built in combo lock safes for storing that shit.

    ReplyDelete
  17. And DH wonders why I change the kids IMMEDIATELY after they poop.

    ReplyDelete
  18. "There's now an APB out for three tranny hooker clown wannabes." ~~Another classic Kate line!!

    #4 happened with my nephew. He managed to paint himself, the walls, and his crib before his mother got in there.

    My daughter thought it would be fun to add lots and lots of liquid soap into her bath and then turn on the jets of the jacuzzi tub. I came in to check on her (she was 8, she could bathe alone...) All I saw was a 6 foot avalanche of bubbles that seemed to be laughing and squealing like a lunatic. It was so tempting to just turn around and walk away.

    ~KathyT

    ReplyDelete
  19. My 5 year old still trys #1. And he's big for 5. So it's like having a 7-8 year old trying to cram his head up there every time my guard is down. It's how i get woken up most mornings. At 5:30 am.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Freshly mopped floors and grape juice and pockets full of sand.
    Marbles, legos and the baby's crib.
    That really cool, water-filled toy that grandma gave them and my clean, unfolded laundry. I had to REWASH laundry! It takes me long enough just to get it washed the first time! I don't think the neighbor kids knew my face could look like that.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Peas & their little nostrils. $200 hospital visit & it was out. Never thought I'd have to ban vegetables from dinner table.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I was on the phone with a friend one afternoon and she says to me: "I have to go, my son just came in and there's cat hair on the drill bit."

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh my, this is too darn funny. My son got a hold of a jar of Vaseline once.....

    ReplyDelete
  24. DANG it, PennyBroome. You did it again. This time, luckily, the spit flew right OVER the computer screen and onto the coffee table.

    kate in MI

    ReplyDelete
  25. cell phone that takes pictures and my 3 and 5y/o boys genitals - well you can do the math

    ReplyDelete
  26. Toothpaste and the cat. Gum, crayons, crackers, rocks, sandwiches, or candy in pockets, or stickers on clothes. I have got to learn to ALWAYS check pockets when doing laundry.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I think I might have just peed myself a little. I spend all day (well, night, really), helping babies come OUT of the hoo-has, and when I ask the mamas if they want to "start over and try again", I get quite the Maude look!
    PennyBroome's comment put me right over the edge. Can't top it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ahh...Desitin. Brings back memories. My children while I was doing the laundry, started by coloring each other with green washable markers and playing "froggies". After washing the green off of them, I proceeded to work on the laundry again. Then there was the eerie silence that can only mean that the two of them had gotten into something they shouldn't have. And that something was Desitin. My son, who was 4 at the time, decided to "shampoo" my then 18 mos old daughter's hair. Desitin doesn't come out of hair very easily. I washed her hair 5 times with baby shampoo, 3 or 4 times with adult shampoo and finally resorted to Dawn dishsoap...twice. Even then the poor child looked like she had bathed in canola oil. Just a bit of advice I got AFTER the incident. Put corn starch in their hair between the washings to help absorb the petroleum jelly in the Desitin. It will cut down on the number of washings. :)

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts