Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What I Learned Today (That Isn't Very Useful)

Emma - aka The Pole Dancer - is like a human Wikipedia. Except correct.  She reads all the freakin' time, so she has all this information just zipping around in her head. Kate tried to keep up with her vast brainy knowledge, but even after reading every page of TWO Sunday papers, a book, the New Yorker and SmartChild magazine, Emma was still all, "did you see that article about the benefits of broccoli and baseball on emotional development for boys?" We really need her to have a day where everything she learns is crap. Fortunately, the cosmos heard our pleas...

xoxo Kate and Lydia


They say you should "learn something new every day". I am not sure who THEY are and I am not sure the items I have learned on any random day of late are of merit. I will let you be the judge:
  • You actually have to tell your 7- and 9-year old boys and their two friends that tying the 7 yr old to the tire swing with the rope around his neck is dangerously bad idea. Prior to today's lesson, I would have thought that fact fell into obvious and common sense category.
  • John Wooden was a famous basketball coach. He also wrote books. Books that have pithy little phrases that my husband is now quoting at me - "Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability." Great quote, why don't you recite it to yourself while you're doing the laundry.
  • You can flush the sink stopper down the toilet. Prior to accidentally conducting this experiment, I would have thought it was too heavy or an incompatible shape to make it through the curvy pipes, but it's gone now.
  • If you are scrolling through the iTunes app trying to figure out how many calories the stationary bike burns, you will discover an entry for sex. If you want to log this activity and the resulting calorie burn - you will have to decide if you achieved an "active" or "vigorous" level. OUCH.
  • My husband can't tell the difference between cooked and uncooked tortellini in the fridge and he served the boys uncooked tortellini for dinner.  Apparently my understanding of males and common sense is not properly aligned.
  • There were no Hippolyte warriors in the battle of Thermopolis (this was from my 7 yr old), obviously he has been viewing WAY too many hours of "Deadliest Warriors" lately.
  • There is a 5 page sentence in the book I am reading, but if you google "longest sentence in literature" Wikipedia says that the 2001 book "The Rotters Club" has a sentence 13,955 words long.
  • After only 4 hours sleep (because I was reading a British crime novel) when my husband wakes me to tell me he drove to the store for milk and cereal, I will tell him he is a "bloody genius." Complete with accent.
  • Ripley's Believe it or Not, is not appropriate for the elementary school age kiddies -  one day they were watching deviant latex (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUl2A4UvvYk) and another day they were watching a talented artist who uses her breasts instead of brushes.  Need to cancel the auto TiVo.
  • Apparently, I now need to check the boys self-packed lunches - today's inspection - store bought peanut butter crackers and two choc chip granola bars.
  • I also need to refine my line of questioning: I need to be asking not "Did you brush your teeth?", but "Did you brush your teeth using toothpaste?"
  • Even if your kid's hair is almost buzz cut, you can't find lice without that little comb. A nice little summer tidbit that I discovered three days ago. Followed by a lot of itching. And cursing.
  • My children are not diseased, they just have impetigo.
  • That it's possible to forget that I threw on my "Stop Bitchin' and Start a Revolution" t-shirt this morning and then popped into the office to finish a few quick tasks.
  • My neighbor's daughter is not very bright.  The grandchild was screaming and daughter's solution was to bring her child outside.  Because the only thing better than one household being awake at 2AM is, obviously, two households.
  • My husband and I can drive our car for 38 consecutive days without noticing the inspection has expired.  This is a $90 lesson.
  • In Fairfax County, you may not park within 10 feet of a driveway. This is a $50 lesson. I had to pay for this lesson.
  • If I buy 8 trashy romances 10 days before I go to the beach, I will have read them all with 2 days to depart.  The thrift store will not let you trade them in for new ones either.  Snitches.
  • You can not get a pedicure at 9am. Apparently this is a 10am -- or later -- activity.  Who knew?
  • The correct sentence is not - "Don't spill the smoothie on the laptop." It is "You may not drink the smoothie at the computer table."  You would think I was a rookie, rather than a decade-long parenting veteran.
  • I've gotten to an age where hopping is not natural and requires actual brain effort to coordinate without falling on my face. [Editor's Note: I would *totally* make fun of Pole Dancer here, but I was equally atrocious at this. For the record, we were hopping up stadium stairs as part of a cruel, mean, nasty evil workout regimen. There were 44 steps on each riser. Doesn't sound like much? Try it. My ass still hurts and we did it two weeks ago. -Kate]
  • The dog will eat as many loaves of bread in a day as you leave on the counter.  He does not get full. Ever. 
    So while I appreciate the learning new things mentality - for just today -  I am hoping against hope to go all day tomorrow without learning even one new thing.

    The Pole Dancer

    (c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


    1. another thing which CAN be flushed down the toilet with *apparently* no side effects - a full roll of toilet paper. My 4 y/o discovered this one :)

    2. You make my morning! ...still smiling..thanks for making my day!

    3. I bring my baby out side at night if he is crying. The change in temp, or atmospheric pressure, or fear I am looking for the Gypsies gets him to stop crying very quickly. If my neighbors don't like it, well, tough. I have to listen to their obnoxious dog barking all. the. frickity. fracking. TIME!!!

    4. You must tell your husband that though dish liquid is used to wash dishes, it can not be used to wash the dishes in the dishwasher. Commence foam-filled flood in kitchen.

    5. Another one for the toilet -- a toothbrush. I really thought it would float, or just swirl around the drain, or at the worst stick in the u-bend and I could get it out with a hanger. I was $200 wrong.

      Don't judge me -- I'm still pretty new at this. Plus, I get basically no sleep.

    6. My father-in-law has the "Stop Bitching - Start a Revolution" shirt too. It is never inappropriate for him to wear. He also thinks his "Biker for Jesus" is great church-wear. Because Jesus totally would have ridden a Harley . . . .
      I adore that man!

    7. Our hammock will make the baby stop crying every single time. I'm with anonymous #2, screw the neighbors, I need some peace and their dogs are probably why he is crying anyway. Do we live in the same neighborhood?

    8. Erika, I thought it was just my geezer eyes ;)

      Another for the loo - The Boy One dropped one of those green binkies you get from the hospital (soothie?). I could have sworn that was going to flood the bathroom, but it went right down.

    9. Also things you didn't think needed saying, "Honey, you can't scrub the bird poop off the new car with a Brillo pad. That is bad for the paint.


    10. Laughed out loud at the lost drain stopper! All of these lessons seem so invaluable, how can you say anything but "thanks!" to the universe?


    12. Although, a bendy straw will not flush down the potty. It just swirls and swirls around till you either suck it up and reach in, or enough toilet paper gets wrapped around it to cause a clog.

    13. So, how many calories DOES "vigorous sex" burn??

    14. "The dog will eat as many loaves of bread in a day as you leave on the counter." Hilarious, as well as anything else you leave on counter.

    15. Awesome, awesome post. Also way too small font. I cut and pasted it into Office so I could make it bigger. that's what she said.

    16. Why is it that you can't get a pedicure before 10 AM??? That's often the only free time I have if Daddy is going to work late. Also, a full bar of soap will flush very easily.

    17. LOVE IT!! Laughed my tail off at this one. My dog counter surfs too.

      Tiny Font fix for readers: Ctrl+Mousewheel




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