Thursday, August 11, 2011

Are You a Kate or a Lydia?

When it comes to identifying oneself, it's pretty easy, don't you think? You're either an extrovert or an introvert. Type A or Type B. Working Mom or SAHM Mom. Choo or Clog.

But are you sure? Do the Kates in the world inhabit a little bit of Lydia-ness? Or, do the Lydias have a secret Kate that no one knows about? It's time to find out.

With the help of Guru Lousie, we've devised this absolutely foolproof, tamper resistant, totally accurate way of telling you how much of you is Kate, and how much is Lydia...For the record, even both the REAL KATE and the REAL LYDIA aren't 100% Kate or Lydia. And, because we often tell too much, they both lied to make it seem more true. But clearly, Guru Louise is WAY smarter than us. She did this for a living y'all before she went and had babies. But you know what else? Her company hired her as a "Parenting Expert" even before she had kids.By those standards, we expect to be made a Daniel Craig expert any minute now. Or, now. Now? Damn.

Now on to your questions:

1. Potty Training: When it comes to graduating your little one from Pampers to undies, your preferred style of education is:
  • A. Oh, my precious darling trained all by themselves. What? You had to work for it? Amateurs.
  • B. I begged, cajoled, put M&Ms on the pot, sang, danced and in general did any and all things to encourage them to use the toilet...and failed miserably until they were four.
  • C. No kid went to Kindergarten in diapers. And if all else fails, they can pee outside. They're boys.
2. Sleeping: We only have - at best - eight hours that may or may not be blissfully child-free, sleeping-in-their-own-beds time. How we achieve that ultimate goal:
  • A. I send them to their rooms with a kiss and a stuffed animal at 7pm, spend the evening with my wonderful better half, and wake up ten hours later refreshed and excited to start the day.
  • B. I haven't had a full night's sleep in a decade. And college doesn't count, because I was voluntarily drunk.
  • C. I give them a kiss, a story and lock them in their rooms. They know better than to open their doors when it's still dark. In this house, the dark fears Mommy.
3. Mom Time: When your kids are all fed, washed, and finally tucked in bed you do the following to unwind:
  • A. I usually upload all the digital photos from our day and use them, along with informative captions, to update my blog, Twitter feed, and each child's baby book. Today my two year-old use the word "inertia" in a sentence while throwing a rock at my head and I caught it on film! Isn't that amazing?!
  • B. I curl up in my EZ Boy with a Big Gulp size glass of wine and watch slutty vampires make out on TV.
  • C. I catch a two hour hot yoga class and then pay the nanny a little extra for making sure my kids are all fed, washed and finally tucked in bed before I get home.
4.  Meals and Nutrition: What does dinner time look like at your house?
  • We all sit together at the table as family, use cloth napkins, and have a lively discussion about current events while eating a balanced, organic meal I whipped up from scratch in 15 minutes. 
  • Have you been to the zoo during feeding time? That's us but even louder and with really delicious, homemade food and less feces-throwing. Usually.
  • When I get home from work I'm so exhausted that my kids are happy to get Spaghetti Os with dino shaped chicken nuggets while watching the Phillies game. And then I giggle when the dino nuggets do naughty things.
5. Laundry: When it comes to making sure my family has clean, fresh clothes each week:
  • A. I like to iron the family's sheets, towels, and underwear with lavender water.
  • B. I like to curse out Randy the Laundry Fairy under my breath while peeling moldy clothes off the insides of my washer
  • C. I prefer to dump a crumpled ball of clean laundry on each family member's bed and then run like hell.

6. TV: You know that magical box in your house that doubles as a free babysitter? My household philosophy is:
  • A. TV? In my house? The American Academy of Pediatrics says kids under age 2 should not be exposed to TV...but I felt that was an inadequate recommendation so I've decided the rule is no TV for anyone under 18. My kids prefer to do chores, IQ-boosting puzzles, and community service in their down time.
  • B. The American Academy of what said WHAT? My daughter said "Ferb" before she said "Mom".
  • C. I really try to limit my kids' TV strictly to baseball and Law & Order Marathons. Now they know how to crack a skull AND not get convicted.
7. Discipline: To spank or not to spank? What about Time Out? Sitting in the Corner?
  • A.My children will be sweet, kind and polite. Punish them? I have no idea what you're talking about. Well, fine...technically I don't have children yet. But it can't be that hard.
  • B. I've mastered the art of irony. I scream at them not to yell, smack them and tell them "We don't hit in this house!" and declare punishments I have no intention of keeping, like "NO TV in this house again! Ever!"
  • C. I send myself into Time Out. Usually with a glass of wine. I tell them I'm Switzerland, which also happens to be a Civics Lesson.
8. Daddy Rules: What happens when you leave your brood with your spouse? 
  • A My sweet husband and I are in complete agreement on everything. Our children enjoy total consistency. We might be the Cleavers.
  • B. My husband works ten thousand hours a week, then comes home to make glaringly obvious comments like, "wow, they never really stop talking do they?' and then gives them whatever they want. There's a game on.
  • C. He acts like he's never been here before. "When is their bedtime?"  -- and then when you come home later, they're still up, and cracking out on your sofa with a box of Krispy Kreme's and singing Dad's praises. Then he tells you how easy this child-raising job is.
9. Manners. When teaching my children to use 'please', 'thank you', and 'excuse me' in conversation with others I used the following technique:
  • A. You had to *teach* your kids to say those things? My children were born saying that stuff. My first born came out of the birth canal, looked at me, and said, "Thank you very much for enduring all that discomfort. May I please have some breastmilk?"
  • B. I get down on their level and explain that people are more likely to help you out if you are polite and say kind words. Then I overhear my son saying to my daughter, "May I PLEASE set your hair on fire?"
  • C. I tell my kids that when they don't use manners that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy all die a little bit. It works best if you pretend like you can actually hear it: "Uh oh, you didn't say 'please'. Yup, I think the Easter Bunny just had a stroke. Nice work."
10. Summer Plans: There are approximately 100 days between the Last Day of School and the First Day of School. And those kids have to be kept occupied:
  • A. We will have fun, wholesome, educational and enrichment time every day. Trips to the museums, perfecting our multiplication tables and spelling, weeding the gardens and folding laundry. All together. All the time. For the entire summer. It'll be swell.
  • B. I'll make a daily schedule every morning that will include fun activities, some learning, some adventures, and some nice quiet time with the TV or Wii so I can get laundry done and dinner fixed. Then the children will wake up. And then my plan will get blown to smithereens. Oddly enough, I've had this same day for the past 66 days. When does school start?
  • C. Ummm, what? Isn't this what Summer Camp is for?
And now, to score the results...If you answered all Cs, you are a Kate. You are probably even more Kate than Kate is, and that's saying A LOT. She might have to come hang out with you just to see what it's like. She also might have to step up her game. If you are all Bs, you are a Lydia. You will be asked to join an army of Lydia's, mostly for the purpose of scaring the bejeeezus out of Kate. If you answered all As, well la-de-freakin'-da, you are a Gwyneth. And we're kinda wondering why you're on this blog, because don't you have Goop-y stuff to do?

Finally, if you answered mostly Bs and a few Cs and were able to think to yourself, "hey, I did that A option last week. It was sort of awesome. It was also sort of exhausting. I could totally do A if I wanted to, but my kids love me for B and sometimes think my Cs are pretty cool too..." then CONGRATULATIONS! you are a mom.

And a rockin' good one at that...the Guru said so.

xoxo Lydia and Kate

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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