Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Bathroom Hookers and Angry Octopuses...What?

Lydia called yesterday. It was pretty hard to tell what was happening on her end of the phone, but I was sorta convinced that she was either 1) auditioning for the role of Heavy Breather Two in some upcoming horror flick, or 2) trapped under a heavy piece of furniture. Turns out she was between laughing and crying. And all she could say was, "I'm dead. I'm dead." Because of this email:

You are probably wondering why I sent you the picture of a door with cost gamers on the back. This door was the cause of my most recent embarrassing, yet totally hilarious, trip to the doctors office.

Imagine my horror when my 4 year old son questioned the Doctor with, "why do you have black hookers in here?"

Now imagine a nervous mom stumbling trying to explain that he calls hangers "hookers".

Do your kids have their own names for things that in reality are simplified true descriptions but oh so wrong?

Just Wondering,  Kathy ;o)
And then we saw this:

I had to ask what a cost gamer was, but Lydia was still dead on the other end of the phone.

But we learned two very important things. One, that spell check is a muthurfu**er and turns things like "coat hangers" into "cost gamers" but also that, hello?, if there's anyone who's going to turn the cost of something into a game, it would be a hooker. And two, that we realized that this email was intended to send us on our next MommyLand Mission. Because, we're secret agents, y'all.

Kate: "Oh my Maude, it's like the Fighting Octopus that's in my bathroom! He's a cost gamer, too."
Lydia: "Whu-- you know what? Forget the whuck? I don't even want to know."
Kate: "There is an octopus. In my bathroom. And he's always gearing up for a fight. His name is Holyfield, but I think he thinks he's Tyson, and that's why he always wants to fight me."
Lydia: [silence]
Kate: "Lydia?"
Lydia: "Please back up. And talk slower. And use actual words."
Kate: "OK. So there's this thing on my bathroom door like a black hooker, but it looks like an octopus that wants to fight me. So I took a Sharpie and gave him eyebrows, because I thought it would make him happy, but now he's an Angry Octopus.  And I was at Starbucks, in the bathroom, and Holyfield was in there too, but he didn't have eyes, so I gave him some."
Lydia: "Why wasn't he named Tyson?"
Kate: "Umm, duh. Because he didn't have ears either. Gah. Why do you make this so complicated? And sometimes they're drunk."
Lydia: "You can tell if your Angry Octopus is drunk?"
Kate: [sighs] Holyfield is not drunk. The Starbucks ones are drunk. Do I have to explain everything?"
Lydia: "Let's just say yes."
Kate: "They're eyes are all off center. And when you give them eyebrows, they look like Drunk Fighting Octopuses. And if you give them eyebrows, then they're Angry Drunk Fighting Octopuses. Or, they look like Picasso."
Lydia: [more silence]
Kate: Forget it. I'll send it to you. Stupid hooker.

Lydia: "Well, at least I'm not hanging out in the bathroom at a doctor's office."
Kate: "Good thing. Because if you were, Holyfield would kick your ass."

Then Lydia said she was going to Starbucks tomorrow to see Holyfield for herself and give him a Santa hat and a handbag, which really makes me think he'll be extra pissed off, but the point is, is that we had an even BETTER IDEA which is to enlist the MommyLand Super Spy Network to secretly enter Starbucks and festoon your octopuses and then take a picture and then send it to us. Oh, that sounded porny, didn't it?

Here's Lydia's, but first an Editor's Note:

[Editor's Note: Lydia is piiiissssssed because her Starbucks -- and the three closest ones after that -- were all mysteriously devoid of a fighting octopus. She texted this to Kate:

"Hooker, I have been to THREE coffee shoppes. No mother)(@#*) octopus. There is now a bizarre and angry elf in the ladies room at the Starbucks near Safeway. You're f**king welcome."

It was the most awesome text in the history of ever. And now we present her Angry Octopus Cleverly Disguised As An Elf. - Kate]

There are three groundrules: [I updated these because Kate is an idiot - xo, Lydia]
  1. Use of Sharpies is required. Any pen is fine, stickers are awesome.  Extra points will be given for actual 3D items that are added to your octopus.
  2. You have to leave it there after you take the picture. We have grand plans to have a secret army of oddly embellished Angry Fighting and Possibly Drunk Octopuses all over America. 
  3. Somewhere include the letters RFML, as a secret code to other Rants From MommyLanders that you were there. This is a spy mission after all.
[Editor's note: Kate is awesome but she is also a stupid hooker.  First of all, I already broke two of her stupid rules because I didn't use a Sharpie - I used black, felt-tip Paper Mate. And it looked awesome and it wipes off with your finger. Kate is just addicted to Sharpies to the point where she's sort of a pusher.  It doesn't have to be a Sharpie. AND TWO - if this is in fact a spy mission - which it is - then tagging it with our initials is sort of the opposite of being stealthy.  If she were really a Jedi like me, she'd know that. xo, Lydia]
Works awesome and wipes off with spit. Epic WIN.
We'll post all the photographs in September! So get to work...oh, and if you see other places that have Fighting Octopuses, send word via our secret MommyLand Network Communique. Which is also called Facebook, but don't tell anyone. It could be infiltrated.

Oh, and if you happen to work for Starbucks, please watch this video carefully:

Rants From MommyLand is a harmless little blog. They don't have plans to take over the world. 
We rather like these little Octopus Creatures in our bathroom. Move along.

See. We're spies AND Jedis. 

Now, go take some pictures!

xoxo Kate and Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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