Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Bathroom Hookers and Angry Octopuses...What?

Lydia called yesterday. It was pretty hard to tell what was happening on her end of the phone, but I was sorta convinced that she was either 1) auditioning for the role of Heavy Breather Two in some upcoming horror flick, or 2) trapped under a heavy piece of furniture. Turns out she was between laughing and crying. And all she could say was, "I'm dead. I'm dead." Because of this email:

You are probably wondering why I sent you the picture of a door with cost gamers on the back. This door was the cause of my most recent embarrassing, yet totally hilarious, trip to the doctors office.


Imagine my horror when my 4 year old son questioned the Doctor with, "why do you have black hookers in here?"


Now imagine a nervous mom stumbling trying to explain that he calls hangers "hookers".


Do your kids have their own names for things that in reality are simplified true descriptions but oh so wrong?


Just Wondering,  Kathy ;o)
 
And then we saw this:


I had to ask what a cost gamer was, but Lydia was still dead on the other end of the phone.

But we learned two very important things. One, that spell check is a muthurfu**er and turns things like "coat hangers" into "cost gamers" but also that, hello?, if there's anyone who's going to turn the cost of something into a game, it would be a hooker. And two, that we realized that this email was intended to send us on our next MommyLand Mission. Because, we're secret agents, y'all.

Kate: "Oh my Maude, it's like the Fighting Octopus that's in my bathroom! He's a cost gamer, too."
Lydia: "Whu-- you know what? Forget the whuck? I don't even want to know."
Kate: "There is an octopus. In my bathroom. And he's always gearing up for a fight. His name is Holyfield, but I think he thinks he's Tyson, and that's why he always wants to fight me."
Lydia: [silence]
Kate: "Lydia?"
Lydia: "Please back up. And talk slower. And use actual words."
Kate: "OK. So there's this thing on my bathroom door like a black hooker, but it looks like an octopus that wants to fight me. So I took a Sharpie and gave him eyebrows, because I thought it would make him happy, but now he's an Angry Octopus.  And I was at Starbucks, in the bathroom, and Holyfield was in there too, but he didn't have eyes, so I gave him some."
Lydia: "Why wasn't he named Tyson?"
Kate: "Umm, duh. Because he didn't have ears either. Gah. Why do you make this so complicated? And sometimes they're drunk."
Lydia: "You can tell if your Angry Octopus is drunk?"
Kate: [sighs] Holyfield is not drunk. The Starbucks ones are drunk. Do I have to explain everything?"
Lydia: "Let's just say yes."
Kate: "They're eyes are all off center. And when you give them eyebrows, they look like Drunk Fighting Octopuses. And if you give them eyebrows, then they're Angry Drunk Fighting Octopuses. Or, they look like Picasso."
Lydia: [more silence]
Kate: Forget it. I'll send it to you. Stupid hooker.

Lydia: "Well, at least I'm not hanging out in the bathroom at a doctor's office."
Kate: "Good thing. Because if you were, Holyfield would kick your ass."

Then Lydia said she was going to Starbucks tomorrow to see Holyfield for herself and give him a Santa hat and a handbag, which really makes me think he'll be extra pissed off, but the point is, is that we had an even BETTER IDEA which is to enlist the MommyLand Super Spy Network to secretly enter Starbucks and festoon your octopuses and then take a picture and then send it to us. Oh, that sounded porny, didn't it?

Here's Lydia's, but first an Editor's Note:

[Editor's Note: Lydia is piiiissssssed because her Starbucks -- and the three closest ones after that -- were all mysteriously devoid of a fighting octopus. She texted this to Kate:

"Hooker, I have been to THREE coffee shoppes. No mother)(@#*) octopus. There is now a bizarre and angry elf in the ladies room at the Starbucks near Safeway. You're f**king welcome."

It was the most awesome text in the history of ever. And now we present her Angry Octopus Cleverly Disguised As An Elf. - Kate]



There are three groundrules: [I updated these because Kate is an idiot - xo, Lydia]
  1. Use of Sharpies is required. Any pen is fine, stickers are awesome.  Extra points will be given for actual 3D items that are added to your octopus.
  2. You have to leave it there after you take the picture. We have grand plans to have a secret army of oddly embellished Angry Fighting and Possibly Drunk Octopuses all over America. 
  3. Somewhere include the letters RFML, as a secret code to other Rants From MommyLanders that you were there. This is a spy mission after all.
[Editor's note: Kate is awesome but she is also a stupid hooker.  First of all, I already broke two of her stupid rules because I didn't use a Sharpie - I used black, felt-tip Paper Mate. And it looked awesome and it wipes off with your finger. Kate is just addicted to Sharpies to the point where she's sort of a pusher.  It doesn't have to be a Sharpie. AND TWO - if this is in fact a spy mission - which it is - then tagging it with our initials is sort of the opposite of being stealthy.  If she were really a Jedi like me, she'd know that. xo, Lydia]
Works awesome and wipes off with spit. Epic WIN.
We'll post all the photographs in September! So get to work...oh, and if you see other places that have Fighting Octopuses, send word via our secret MommyLand Network Communique. Which is also called Facebook, but don't tell anyone. It could be infiltrated.

Oh, and if you happen to work for Starbucks, please watch this video carefully:

Rants From MommyLand is a harmless little blog. They don't have plans to take over the world. 
We rather like these little Octopus Creatures in our bathroom. Move along.

See. We're spies AND Jedis. 

Now, go take some pictures!

xoxo Kate and Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

70 comments:

  1. My kids oftentimes go to sleep listening to a meditation about an angry octopus.... they seem to be everywhere.

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  2. You two ladies are PRICELESS!!! Here's me arming myself with said sharpie and some other 'goodies' and teaching my 12 year old daughter the 'PROPER' and 'ONLY' acceptable form of graffiti!!! Will be sure to post pictures!!!
    CHEERS!!
    Kim

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  3. So now we veer into the wonderful world of vandalism ...

    What's next, hordes of bored suburban housewives binge drinking boxed wine?

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  4. GENIUS. Baby and I are going on a mission.


    Tomorrow. :)

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  5. OMG That is freaking awesome! My 3 year old even walked up behind me and said "look mommy it's an octopus!"

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  6. Drunken octopi, unite!


    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.blogspot.com

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  7. I love, love, LOVE this post. You're both geniuses. The end.

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  8. This was so funny I can't even tell you what I almost did while reading it.

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  9. LOVE IT! Starbucks here I come!

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  10. i have an octopus in my bathroom too!

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  11. Perfect timing! With Back to School shopping starting up, we're sure to hit Starbucks and other establishments to keep us from keeling over and/or killing anybody.

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  12. That. Is. So. Awesome. Now, to find a place with bathrooms in the middle-of-nowhere, where I live.... ;)

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  13. My two year old daughter recently picked up the hanger my dress had been on and said "Mommy, here is your hooker dress" :-)

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  14. Lauri Ladd - Marketing MommyAugust 3, 2011 at 8:55 AM

    Can we get extra points if said Starbucks sits right in the middle the mecca (Target) where we just bought the rainbow pack of sharpies to do the deed?

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  15. LOL! When my daughter was 5, she saw my mother-in-law knitting and announced that she wanted to be a "hooker like nanny." Apparently, she thought the needles looked like little hooks.

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  16. Pulling up to the Dairy Queen drive-thru used to mean trying to muffle the sound of my son with the radio so the drive-thru attendant wouldn't hear him screaming for "ass"cream.

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  17. Flipping. Fabulous. i am on it!

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  18. Yup, just put a Sharpie in my purse. Armed & ready for some ninja-style hookering. Wait, what? Ahem. That came out all wrong. Now I have a weird image of a ninja hooker in my head. Where's my coffee?

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  19. Holy frack! I think the bathroom in the family lounge of the cancer ward that I am spending the week in needs to be octopied. Because folk who hang out here need to smile. I'm so stoked to get on this!!!!
    ~Elizabeth

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  20. I am so going to Starbucks! Now if I get arrested for vandalism will you come to Ontario Canada and bail me out?

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  21. Hah! Beat you to it, although we did it with knitting.
    My friends of the Coven and I went yarn bombing on the First Ever International Yarn Bombing Day (something like that) and had a blast.
    http://knittergran.blogspot.com/2011/06/not-your-grandmothers-knitting.html

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  22. Ok. I've got the Sharpie and I'm headed to Starbucks! Octopii power!

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  23. Love it. And thankfully the minion is too little to understand that defacing public property is a bad thing. Oh, and to the knitting hooker comment...I'm a knitter and frequently razz my crocheting cousin by calling her 'hooker' ;)

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  24. I love it! Now to hunt down some unsuspecting fighting octopi!
    Do we get extra points if we use multiple colors of sharpies?

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  25. I don't get to actually go in the Starbucks, mine has a drive thru and I have two preschool boy chimpan-sloths. But lookout Target and Kroger!!! I'm packing a sharpie.

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  26. I have no problems with the idea of adding a hat on a hook, but marking it up with a Sharpie is vandalism. I know that's not going to sound "cool" or "fun" but that's reality. Bad call, Mommies!

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  27. Sara, you can come have some coffee with me, because we have the same name, obviously it's fate.

    I'm going to have to sit down with my sharpie collection and pick out a few good color options to stick in my bag. Also, I need to raid my daughter's barbie collection for tiny accessories.

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  28. I'm totally game!

    And I also see faces on inanimate objects. I once lived in an apartment with an evil monkey face in the bathroom door. I was afraid to pee at night the entire time I lived there!

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  29. Dry erase markers! Best of both worlds and no permanent damage. Your welcome.

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  30. Sara, it's on girlie! I'll bring the chocolate creamer! I'm jealous that you have a color option in your Sharpie arsenal. I have black and red.

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  31. theresglitterinmycoffee - "octopied" is my new favorite verb.

    RFML ladies, the Sharpies are ready for action.

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  32. When we bought our mini van, my then 3 year old found the coat hooks above every seat in the 2nd & 3rd rows and excitedly yelled out "I have a hooker!" Once we finished laughing and figured it out my husband said "I don't have a hooker" and she said "maybe you can get a hooker for your birthday".

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  33. I am at work contemplating visiting all the bathrooms here (oooh, and all the bathrooms at the other eight sites we have!) to see if we have any hookers. (Not that I was reading you blog on company time. *shifty eyes* Nope. Not me.) rlbirl.wordpress.com

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  34. Very funny! I don't have kids, but a friend passed this along to me. Reminds me of a friend's story when she was in the washroom at the mall with her little one.

    Kid: Mommy, how do people in wheelchairs use the bathroom?
    Mom: Shhhhhhh! (as there was a woman in a wheelchair in the next stall).
    Kid: Why are you telling me to be quiet?

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  35. I can tell that the end of summer is drawing near-you people are truly cracked and that is why I love you so!

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  36. Gah! Now I have to actually leave the house with my 5 year old special needs spaztastic boy AND break my 14 year old vow to never step foot in a Starbucks.

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  37. Sounds like a reason to go buy more sharpies!!!! I am on it!!!

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  38. My son and his friend had a lengthy discussion about "black hookers" and "brown hookers" at preschool one day...my husband dying laughing to the side. They were, of course, discussing the latches on their backpacks....

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  39. I heart you two ladies. Going to go stick a sharpie in my bag right. now. I've never been so excited to use a public toilet until now!

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  40. Can't get on board with vandalism, but the lady with the dry erase marker idea is GENIUS! But now I have to get a new phone because mine has no camera! (It is only one step above the one Radar used on MASH that he had to crank.)

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  41. I had to laugh when I went into the restroom at my eye doctor's today not long after reading this post. Not only do they have an octopus, he's evidently very drunk, as his eyes are Xs (Phillip's head screws), he's lopsided, and one eye is coming out. I wished I had my camera. That was one octopus that didn't even need a Sharpie.
    Carol

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  42. Z. O. M. G. I LURVE this idea! Putting a sharpie in my pocketbook NOW so that I can do this!

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  43. I just got my first 'hooker' out of my three year old yesterday. At the doctor's office, and it was a 'nocerous hooker' (rhinocerous-looking hook). I wish I had a sharpie, I spent an hour in that flipping room and could have done with a laugh every time I look at the nocerous hooker.
    Unfortunately I was placed on all-but bed rest, so trips out to Starbucks in search of drunk, angry octopi is out. But I may be bringing the sharpie back to my doctor's office.

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  44. LOL, I'm on board with the dry-erase markers version. This is the most HILARIOUS post I've read anywhere in a long time!

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  45. OMG, my 4 yr old totally used to call hangers hookers. Which was lovely the day we were at Target and he yelled in the middle of the ladies dept- "MOMMMMMMMY, look at ALL those HOOKERS!"

    awesome. Parenting is awesome.

    and I also love the angry drunk octopus idea.

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  46. Oh No!! It's vandalism! You guys are such bitches!!
    Do I get extra credit if I have sharpies on me for my job and happen to work at a place with multiple bathrooms that could use some "freshening up" in the decor department?? I do work at a home improvement store where creativity is strongly encouraged!

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  47. Oh even yesser!! I am all over this...

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  48. The next time I am out and about I totally plan on doing this. Already shoved the pen in my purse to make sure I have it handy!

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  49. Crack me up! I just bought a couple of these the other day, and didn't notice the fighting octopi-ness of them. Now that I have seen the potential, I might have to use them in a different spot than originally intended. Thanks!

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  50. i have the perfect plan for a drunk rhinoceros in the ladies restroom of a bonafide JIM BEAM factory... photo on facebook soon, as soon as the janitor is done cleaning the toilets in there....

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  51. I have a story for you, Hookers. :-)

    My son, The Internationally Renown Aspie, is very literal. For example, if one is sweeping the floor, one is "brooming", because, well, you're brooming, damn it.

    So, anyway, one day, Mr and I were working in the front closet, hanging up shelving. Internationally Renown Aspie saw Mr walking by with a drill, and as soon as Mr got all settled with me in the closet (which is attached to the room IRA and Sister were in watching t.v.) to get to work, we here IRA call out,

    "DON'T FORGET TO CLOSE THE DOOR BEFORE YOU SCREW."

    I collapsed in a fit of laughter.

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  52. No pics, but I had to get a shot in the ass in a Starbucks bathroom not too long ago... (medical reasons. It had to be at a specific time, and my husband was out playing poker, and my daughter and I were at a MOMS Club meeting, and one of the MOMS was a nurse, so she did the shot for me, since it would have been a serious PITA [pun intended] to do it myself!)
    But I didn't notice the "cost gamers"... I'll be there tomorrow night for MOMS coffee night, so I'll do a recon...

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  53. Oh, sisters, I am SO all over this. Just. you. wait.

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  54. I'm totally going to Octopie some hookers. Also...just to share, my children call my husbands nail gun "the giant pecker machine". Lawd, I hope the neighbors don't hear about my husband and his giant pecker machine....

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  55. For you ladies who have issues with vandalism, bring some clear tape with you and draw the face on the tape. That way everyone still gets a laugh but it's easily removed and not "el-legal" as my sister used to say. Happy spying!!!

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  56. I've chosen to accept the mission...its on!! Holy Schmidt how much fun is this...they're everywhere!

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  57. Hilarious! I can't participate, though, because none of the Starbucks near me have coat hangers! I sometimes go on rants about that, mommy NEEDS a purse hook in the bathroom!

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  58. As a new mommy I'm in Target at least twice a week buying diapers, wipes and formula. Those boring bathrooms are about to get some angry elves. Sharpie. In. Purse. Now. Who am I kidding, what purse? Diaper bag...

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  59. Hooray!! I just bought new retractable Sharpie for my purse (cause you just never know when you are going to need a sharpie!) I also like tape idea, as much as I think I'm a rebel, I'm not!

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  60. A few weeks ago I took my 6 year old to the dentist to have our cleaning appointment. He was finished before me and the dentist came in to tell me that his teeth looked good etc. He sat down to examine my teeth and says..."I asked your son how old he was and he told me he turned 6 on December 8th. I said that must be a very special day and Zane told me "yes it is and so is the day I was put in my mommy's belly" The dentist said he thought it was interesting that my son knows about the day he was put into my belly and it being a special day. I had to explain that we know when he was put in my belly since he was a miracle of modern science & medicine and he was installed on St. Patrick's Day in a Dr.'s office in complete absence of romance or sexy underthangs ;)

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  61. Sharpie in my purse? Check.
    Camera in my purse? Check. (With Backup iphone if necessary)
    New found desire to "go to the bathroom" in ever single establishment I enter? Check!

    It's on HOOKERS!

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  62. Sadly I'm just getting around to catching up on posts. Do you know why I love you guys so much? It's because not only do you speak to me, you quote Star Wars. A LOT. I heart you for this as it shows it's cool to be a girl that loves Star Wars.

    Now to go find an octopus that I can turn into a Jedi. Would that cover the RFML signature instead?

    Love,
    A mama who has read close to 60 Star Wars novels...most of them pre-kids.

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  63. Again, thank you for the LOL. I'm alone in my bedroom at 2am cackling like a hyena. The whole fam is gonna think I've lost it. I will begin mission octopi hookers tomorrow... At church.

    And speaking of hookers... I'm a crocheter so I've decided to Cafe Press my husband a line of t-shirts, hats, coffee mugs, and man thongs that say "my wife is a hooker". Hopefully one day he'll accidentally grab the hat on his way to play golf with his boss. LOL

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  64. I can read this post over and over again but it never gets old.....fourth time today, STILL F-ING FUNNY! My sister and I are asspiring to be funny bitches like you two.....but I won't lie, we are no where close! It's fun trying! On a side note......went to Startbucks to demoralize the bathroom octopus and made the mistake of bringing my children with me. We walk out of the bathroom to go order while my daughter proceeds to tell the cashier "My mommy colored on your door." "What? No! Kids....they say the darndest things don't they." Needless to say....I go through the drivethu these days!

    Thanks ladies for the daily laugh!

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  65. Five children through two layovers and only halfway to our destination, I was seconds away from octopus art in the Miami airport bathroom when it dawned on me that my big-mouthed 2 year old sitting on the pot would be sure to announce to everyone waiting for their next flight that I had vandalized the door . Then that would be followed by years of reminders that "we only color on paper"--my own haunting words spit back at me....I know I made the right decision when he proceeded to tell every stranger we met for the rest of our vacation that "mommy tried to make me pee in the ocean, but i didn't 'cause i wanted to pee on a real toilet."

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