Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Domestic Enemies of the Mom with Teenage Girls

We got this awesome post from our friend Barbara. Here's a little blurbitty blurb about her:

My name is Barbara. I have been married 25 years to the Grillman I have two teenage daughters.  FirstBorn, who will be leaving for college in the fall and Precious who is 16. I teach math to middle schoolers in the mornings but am otherwise a stay at home mom. I recently retired my old blog and started a new one in January. Then I lost it. I mean it. I couldn’t remember where it was! I found it yesterday and if your readers want to get in on a new thing they can check it out at http://criminelli.wordpress.com/.

We proudly present the:
Domestic Enemies of the Teenage Daughter Mom
Remember the fun you had laying on the floor of hallway, draped over the kitchen chairs, or even hiding in the pantry to get some privacy on the phone when you were a teen? The phone was attached to the wall in the kitchen so your business was out there for the whole family. As we are all well aware, it is now all about texting.

Try having two teenage girls who constantly converse with their friends, in silence. How do you get a clue as to what is up when it is all lightening speed tapping followed by the clicking shut of the phone followed by the hum of the “silent” ring. “Who are you talking to?” “What are you talking about?” To find out what is really going on takes the stealth of a ninja to sneak in their rooms and night, steal the phone, read the texts and replace it without dislodging their security measures.

Go to any mall and you will see that most clothes are only made for prostitutes these days. Trying to find your 16 year old daughter some shorts that are not junderwear is nearly impossible. Since Precious happens to have been blessed with her mom’s over-sized boobs the whole process gets even harder. Try fitting your size 2 daughter with her DD cup boobs into a t-shirt designed by pimps and you have to think the inventor of the camisole should get the Nobel Peace Prize. Even my daughter has trouble deciding if some items are shirts or dresses. Our solution, wear it with shorts or jeans, NOT leggings. Leggings are not pants.

Forget about the death defying (hopefully) careening down the snow covered, winding roads of New England, or the left turns into oncoming traffic that make you lose your Schmidt.  The worst part of a teen driver are those three little, innocent words, “Can I drive?”

Every time I hear them another part of my brain explodes. I am the master of the car. I decide when we go, where we go and how dangerously we get there! Suddenly, every ride to Target is a death match. A quick trip to the inconvenience store requires a game plan to explain the moves and countermoves of your opponents in the parking lot. Once they have mastered what the state requires ($1000 and 40 hours of driving) and get their license you no longer have to be paralyzed with fear for your own life, just try not to imagine what is happening in the car without you.

Bathing Suits
Let’s talk about bathing suits. Next time your daughter needs a bathing suit, let Dad take her. I guarantee no one will come home unscathed. I have a strict rule. No bikinis. Would you wear just your underwear to school? No? Then why wear something that covers even less of you to a public beach? The worst thing is that when you see your beautiful daughter in her modest Lands’ End Tankini next to the bikini clad friend you feel a little guilty, but also smug. Smug is not a pretty emotion. But it is better than naked. Until your daughter sees her 40 something teacher at the beach wearing the same bathing suit. Sigh...

Like everyone else I taught my girls to clean and be clean. I never called them chores, I never assigned chores. Instead of making cleaning out to be an ugly task, dreaded on a Saturday morning, I throw out requests in a happy sunny voice, as needed. Precious? Come empty the dishwasher. Firstborn? Come vacuum the family room. Sometimes I declare, “If we all work hard for 20 minutes the house will be clean!” and everyone jumps to, eager to get the house in shape. Are you buying this? Because, if so, I have some stuff I can sell you.
Too old for Nickelodeon, too young for EVERYTHING else. I have discovered that EVERY show EVER made is about sex. Except the Duggars. Well, they do have 19 or 20 kids so in some way it is about sex. Whether the show is about geeks, aliens, forensics, or unicorns, it is about sex. We end up only being able to watch Swamp Loggers and Deadliest Catch as a family because the jobs are too dangerous to think about sex. Plus, Deadliest Catch has Jonathan Hillstrand. Enough said.

This is the most dangerous enemy of all. They come into your house and act all charming and show good manners. But leave him alone with your innocent tiny baby daughter to watch Finding Nemo in the family room and come back to find everyone flushed. And not the way Nemo gets flushed down the toilet at the dentist office.

When teaching my girls table manners I would often tell them that someday they would be on a date with a boy or at his house for dinner and they would need to know how to behave so as not to embarrass themselves. They listened to me. Sort of. Just last week they both mentioned the mythical dinner with a boyfriend lessons. Unfortunately, they couldn’t remember what I said about manners. They were too surprised at the time to think they would ever have a boyfriend or that I would let them go on a date.

And I will. Someday. Right after I master my stealthy ninja skills. 

(c) Herding Turtles, LLC 2009-2011


  1. Ha. I have boys, I have about 15 years to prepare them for the teenage girls and their parents. My goal is to get two boys through skanky-teenage-girl-ville without anyone getting knocked up or knocked out.

  2. oh no...i believe I did all of this to my mom as a kid. I can only hope that my daughters will be more kind.

    I have a fun rosette headband in a giveaway right now that I think you would love. Come enter to win at http://hannahjholmes.blogspot.com/2011/08/giveaway-enter-to-win-handcrafted.html

  3. I have three girls, ages 7, 3 and 1. My husband and I have decided that 35 is an appropriate age to start dating. And cheers to you for outlawing skank-o-rific clothing! We do the same thing. Our 7 year old is catching on. She changed her Barbie's clothes the other day because what she was wearing was, "SO not appropriate." Your post both terrified and encouraged me. You can still form a coherent thought, so I'm holding out hope for the teen years in this house. I salute you.

  4. "junderwear"


    This was fantastic.
    So far I only have one boy. And 12 years until he is technically a teenager. I solemnly vow to LOVE all of those 12 years. ALL OF THEM.

  5. ahhhhhhhh! I have two girls and am absolutely dreading the teen years. The oldest is full of drama now. Can't wait to mix hormones in with it. The little one is very very sneaky. I'm sure we will have to put the house in "lock down" each night. Oh, thanks for the tip about sending dad bathing suite shopping. Pure genius!

  6. all so true! Well (and hilariously!) said! My daughters are well past teenage at 21 and 23, so I'm telling you, people...this too shall pass.

  7. OMG.. my oldest is only 13 and we're here. Add 2 more girls at 10 & 8 and you can see my life of sobriety is over. Everyone feels sorry for the Rooster. Really? Didn't you just see him bolt out the door or lock himself in the closet to deal with this hot mess?

    Great piece, thanks for the morning chuckle..amen to the TV part.. that's a constant struggle. Is it wrong that I compromise and let her watch the CSI genre shows?


    As a mom of 3 girls, however, this TERRIFIES me (they're 7, 4, and 4). Maybe by the time my girls hit their teens, there will be ninja training for moms.

  9. *sigh* I now have THREE teenagers in the house. 13 yo girl, 15 yo boy, and 17 yo girl. Plus friends/boyfriends. I LOVE my kids. They are fun. And those boyfriends scare the crap outta me. Then there's the battles with the teenaged boy...which I am getting to do on my own, since dad's deployed. Fortunately, we've been able to squash *most* of the clothing battles, but there's still time for that to come up, because I have 3 more that are not yet teens.

  10. I have two girls, 15 & 11, and this is dead on! What in the sam heck are those shorts makers thinking now-a-days anyway? *I* can't even find a decent pair of shorts. And we have the big boob problem too. My oldest started sprouting those suckers and poor baby was naive enough to think the boys liked hugging her b/c she "is such a nice person!" Umm, no honey, but they do think your pillows are nice...so I am trying to ban hugging too. Yikes!

  11. Two girls ages 12 and 14, and they share a room. Oh the angst! And then there are the 13-16 year old friends. Even better. Whatever mine don't think up the others can.

    All mommies of girls please remember the clothing rule we have instituted -"no words on the a**". Please, does any teenage boy need yet another reason to stare at them there?

  12. I have 2 girls... 16 & 13.. and a son that's 10.
    I feel your pain. Literally. This post had me nodding & agreeing the whole time.

  13. I raised three girls and know EXACTLY what you mean :) They are now 27,26 and 21, all with their own children. But now I have a 10 year old step son and am dreading the teenage years with a boy. Especially when said boy is going to have a lump sum of cash at the age of 18 and when the scank girls find this out they will flock to my boy :(

  14. ok....just so everyone knows...the prostitute clothing starts at the womb!!!! I have a 19 month old gorgeous little gerber baby worthy daughter. We can not go anywhere without about 12 people telling us how beautiful our little sweet potato is. We are military and Sweet Potato was born in Anchorage AK the day after Christmas...so she was so wrapped in bundles and blankets the first 6 months of her life...we didn't have to worry. We recently PCS'd ( permanent base reassignment for those non military) to SC. It is HOT here...lol. So my husband and I decided that we would buy our little baby her first bathing suit and take her to Myrtle Beach...and over to friends houses to swim. Imagine my horror and disgust to find that there were string bikini's in size preemie and up!!!!! I was really really really unhappy. I walked out of the store. I was raised by my grandmother...and I was not allowed to wear a two pice until I was 16...and even then it had to pass her approval. I was absolutely not going to introduce my sweet innocent little girl to this nonsense before she could even talk. I really am fearful of the years to come with my girl....*sigh* I wish you all the luck in the world with your teenies...and if you are into country music...check out Martina McBrides Teenage Daughters!!!

  15. Love it. I have two girls 6 & 9. The 6 year old has used a hand mirror to practice her 'eye rolls'. The 9 year old is a step & her mother taught her how to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. Both are great kids. Neither had any idea why their new tricks were SO inappropriate. We also get to enjoy Scarlet O'Hara type melt downs over things like bed time.
    Can't wait to add the hormones. Hang on. It is going to get bumpy!

  16. I started taking karate with my kids last August. This post just gave me the motiviation to train harder and earn my black belt before my now-8-year-old hits those dreaded teenage years!

  17. I have three, count 'em three teenage girls: 19, 16, and 14. Here are our rules: NEVER TEXT & DRIVE. NEVER SMOKE CIGARETTES. NO DRUGS. DON'T HAVE SEX UNTIL COLLEGE AND THEN WRAP YOUR ENTIRE BODY IN A CONDOM. and NEVER EVER APPEAR ON THE BACHELOR or BACHELORETTE. That about covers it.

  18. We have one daughter now and she's 14 months. Since she was born my husband jokes that he's not going to potty train her until she's 25. That should prevent boys from wanting to date her. I'm not sure that's the best solution...

  19. I have two boys. One is 18 and leaving for college next week and a 16 yr old. This is dead on. For boys instead of bathing suit issues, substitute pants falling off their behinds, showing 3 inches of boxers!!
    Teachng them to be gentleman can be tough especially because Techno expert (the 16 yr old) is also our "chick magnet" and girls flock to him wherever we go. He even made 2 new female friends he keeps in touch from a cruise we went on last year. Blast social media and Facebook. You should have to be 18 to use either one!

  20. "NOT leggings. Leggings are not pants."

    Amen Sister. I have been saying this since the 80's.....

  21. I have a 4yo daughter and 1yo son and I'm wondering if I should start drinking now!

  22. Oh dear. This does not excite me for the teenage years. The texting thing especially. It's like a whole generation of mutes! All they do is text, "Haha. Yes I did the home work assignment. LOL." Was the homework assignment FUNNY? I just don't understand them. Sigh. Great post!

  23. Love this! My girls are 18,16,15, and 14. I laughed out loud at the texting: Just yesterday I walked in on my daughter talking on her cell (a real conversation). She took one look at me and said, "Okay, I'm going to hang up and text you now".

  24. Someday when my daughter, who is a mere 20 months old now, is a teenager I will hopefully reflect back on this post while we're battling over whatever technology she's using to communicate with peoples. I hope.
    In the meantime, I have met Jonathan Hillstrand, he lives about a mile from me. I was doing a story (I work for a weekly paper) about NASCAR driver Tony Stewart visiting the newly opened Home Depot in 2008 and Hillstrand sauntered in to the employee break room where Stewart was signing autographs, said, "Hey, I heard you were here so I thought I'd stop by" to Stewart then started an impromptu autograph session of his own.
    I had NO idea who he was at the time. Don't hate me.

  25. Loved it ! I have a teenage daughter and a teenage son. I hear you about bathing suit shopping., clothing sizes and DRIVING... My son just got his permit, and yes my trip to Target today was a death grip ulcer inducing adventure!

    And who did invent the camisole? He/she needs the Nobel Peace Prize, Humantarian award, and any other lovely prize I can think of!

  26. I have 2 little boys but several teenaged nieces in the family and have seen the struggles my brothers and sisters-in-law go through. It's not pretty. The clothing thing made me almost snort my 3rd cup of coffee through my nose. Reminds me of why my neighbor calls Macy's junior section Hookers R Us.

  27. I have an 8 yr old son and a little girl arriving within the next 4-5 weeks. I was also appalled when I looked at the infant swimwear-really a bikini. Who designed these? A pedophile? I am already scared out of my mind. And my son- I do not approve of the "thugs R' us" clothing line either. I want his butt covered and just a simple nice shirt. Why is that so hard to find?

  28. The Duggars....Yep, with 19 kids, I guess you just can't get away from sex...... LOL! Laughed so hard, the child napping on me grunted in annoyance!

  29. I'm going to defend the little girl two piece. Not a bikini or anything, but two pieces, so you can change the swim diaper easier. And they can get to the bathroom easier when they are potty training. After four or so, one pieces fo' sho.




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