Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Domestic Enemies of the Mom with Teenage Girls

We got this awesome post from our friend Barbara. Here's a little blurbitty blurb about her:

My name is Barbara. I have been married 25 years to the Grillman I have two teenage daughters.  FirstBorn, who will be leaving for college in the fall and Precious who is 16. I teach math to middle schoolers in the mornings but am otherwise a stay at home mom. I recently retired my old blog and started a new one in January. Then I lost it. I mean it. I couldn’t remember where it was! I found it yesterday and if your readers want to get in on a new thing they can check it out at http://criminelli.wordpress.com/.

We proudly present the:
Domestic Enemies of the Teenage Daughter Mom
Remember the fun you had laying on the floor of hallway, draped over the kitchen chairs, or even hiding in the pantry to get some privacy on the phone when you were a teen? The phone was attached to the wall in the kitchen so your business was out there for the whole family. As we are all well aware, it is now all about texting.

Try having two teenage girls who constantly converse with their friends, in silence. How do you get a clue as to what is up when it is all lightening speed tapping followed by the clicking shut of the phone followed by the hum of the “silent” ring. “Who are you talking to?” “What are you talking about?” To find out what is really going on takes the stealth of a ninja to sneak in their rooms and night, steal the phone, read the texts and replace it without dislodging their security measures.

Go to any mall and you will see that most clothes are only made for prostitutes these days. Trying to find your 16 year old daughter some shorts that are not junderwear is nearly impossible. Since Precious happens to have been blessed with her mom’s over-sized boobs the whole process gets even harder. Try fitting your size 2 daughter with her DD cup boobs into a t-shirt designed by pimps and you have to think the inventor of the camisole should get the Nobel Peace Prize. Even my daughter has trouble deciding if some items are shirts or dresses. Our solution, wear it with shorts or jeans, NOT leggings. Leggings are not pants.

Forget about the death defying (hopefully) careening down the snow covered, winding roads of New England, or the left turns into oncoming traffic that make you lose your Schmidt.  The worst part of a teen driver are those three little, innocent words, “Can I drive?”

Every time I hear them another part of my brain explodes. I am the master of the car. I decide when we go, where we go and how dangerously we get there! Suddenly, every ride to Target is a death match. A quick trip to the inconvenience store requires a game plan to explain the moves and countermoves of your opponents in the parking lot. Once they have mastered what the state requires ($1000 and 40 hours of driving) and get their license you no longer have to be paralyzed with fear for your own life, just try not to imagine what is happening in the car without you.

Bathing Suits
Let’s talk about bathing suits. Next time your daughter needs a bathing suit, let Dad take her. I guarantee no one will come home unscathed. I have a strict rule. No bikinis. Would you wear just your underwear to school? No? Then why wear something that covers even less of you to a public beach? The worst thing is that when you see your beautiful daughter in her modest Lands’ End Tankini next to the bikini clad friend you feel a little guilty, but also smug. Smug is not a pretty emotion. But it is better than naked. Until your daughter sees her 40 something teacher at the beach wearing the same bathing suit. Sigh...

Like everyone else I taught my girls to clean and be clean. I never called them chores, I never assigned chores. Instead of making cleaning out to be an ugly task, dreaded on a Saturday morning, I throw out requests in a happy sunny voice, as needed. Precious? Come empty the dishwasher. Firstborn? Come vacuum the family room. Sometimes I declare, “If we all work hard for 20 minutes the house will be clean!” and everyone jumps to, eager to get the house in shape. Are you buying this? Because, if so, I have some stuff I can sell you.
Too old for Nickelodeon, too young for EVERYTHING else. I have discovered that EVERY show EVER made is about sex. Except the Duggars. Well, they do have 19 or 20 kids so in some way it is about sex. Whether the show is about geeks, aliens, forensics, or unicorns, it is about sex. We end up only being able to watch Swamp Loggers and Deadliest Catch as a family because the jobs are too dangerous to think about sex. Plus, Deadliest Catch has Jonathan Hillstrand. Enough said.

This is the most dangerous enemy of all. They come into your house and act all charming and show good manners. But leave him alone with your innocent tiny baby daughter to watch Finding Nemo in the family room and come back to find everyone flushed. And not the way Nemo gets flushed down the toilet at the dentist office.

When teaching my girls table manners I would often tell them that someday they would be on a date with a boy or at his house for dinner and they would need to know how to behave so as not to embarrass themselves. They listened to me. Sort of. Just last week they both mentioned the mythical dinner with a boyfriend lessons. Unfortunately, they couldn’t remember what I said about manners. They were too surprised at the time to think they would ever have a boyfriend or that I would let them go on a date.

And I will. Someday. Right after I master my stealthy ninja skills. 

(c) Herding Turtles, LLC 2009-2011

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