We love her more than butter and bacon and boxed wine. And this post? We think it's epic.
The Stephen King Storyteller. Gather round kids, it's birth Story Time. Want to hear about a horrible episiotomy? No? Tough, you're pregnant so that means that it's compulsory for you to hearing about every disgusting birth detail from the woman in line at the bank. After all, it's important to know how your next door neighbor lost her mucus plug at a BBQ. (Gork)
The Lame Namer. It’s doubtful that you and your partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name so it’s important these folks weigh in on this decision with a couple of names they thought of on the way into work. Plus, they hate the name you were thinking of because if reminds them of a girl in high school that had a funny birthmark on her chin. Just nod and say you'll consider KanDi with a heart over the "i" and leave it at that.
The XS XL Examiner. This is the person that will ask you if there's two in there or are you sure you aren't due tomorrow instead of three months. This is the same person that will point out how tiny you are if they feel this the case as well. "Where are you hiding it?" "It looks like you've swallowed a grape." It's hard to say if it's supposed to be funny or a compliment but they usually make you feel like you should either be shot and mounted over a fireplace or that something is wrong with your now creepy, peanut baby.
The Eliza Boo Little. Just you wait Henry Higgins! This person jumps in anytime you look like you're just a little too happy about having a baby and says "Just you wait until the baby comes. You'll never sleep, eat, laugh, breathe, screw, or go to Cincinnati again!". Clearly you don't realize how difficult it is to have a baby so it’s up to them to make sure you don’t get too excited. Babies are awful. Stupid babies.
The Accidental Whorist. Such a charming question to ask someone if their pregnancy was an accident. It's important for these folks to let you know that they don't approve of your reproductive schedule and perhaps you should consult them next time. Clearly you are too, young, old, fertile, fat, funny or tall to have a baby at this juncture in your life and frankly they are surprised at your utter lack of judgement. These are the same people that say, "Didn't you see that?" when you stub your toe and who don't like pizza. They're just pointless.
The Sex Obessesed. Surely if you already have a girl, you're going to want a boy and vice versa. If you don't have any children they may assume you want a girl and your partner wants a boy because that's how it works. These are also the people that will swallow their tongues if you say you aren't finding out the sex. "Don't you want to know?!", "That would drive me crazy!" Perhaps it has, Asshat. Perhaps it already has.
The Egg Inquisitioner. This is the person that asks you if you've conceived naturally. It's classy because, if you're used fertility treatments you have to reveal a very person, private part of you life and if you didn’t, then you also has to reveal a very person, private part of you life. It's a delicious catch 22 and there is no tactful way to answer this so feel free to just fart and walk away.
The Surprised Blow Up Doll These are the folks that chime in around 37 weeks and say things like “Are you STILL pregnant.” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out” – which is nice because it points out the delivery you are *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross too.
The Silver Back Belly Toucher. Oh, you just knew if was coming. We all love the folks that just walk up and start molesting your stomach. It's especially nice when you're sister-in-law's boyfriend that smells like cheese does it and makes a “MMmmmm” noise at the same time.
This is my personal rule of thumb with this one: if you would be comfortable with them touching your thigh when not pregnant, then they would probably be okay to touch your belly....with permission.....and a hazmat suit......holding chocolate. You know, like when your girlfriend taps your leg at the movie theatre and says, "Oh my God, I forgot to tell you that I slept with David Beckham!" – I feel she would be okay to touch your belly.
As for what we all should say to a pregnant woman, I love this comment that was left on the blog:
"I could see this guy eyeballing me in the elevator despite my best efforts to focus on the numbers. Right before he got off the elevator. He paused, looked at me and said, 'I bet you will have a beautiful baby.'"
I like to think he looked like David Beckham.
Don't forget to check out the Chicken. BAWK!!
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