Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Domestic Enemies of the Pregnant Mom

The brilliance that is the Pregnant Chicken sent us this post on the Domestic Enemeies of the Pregnant Mom. How brilliant is she? The folks at Babble.com have just named her the #1 pregnancy blog of all time, space and eternity. We heard about it and we were like "OH HELLS YEAH."

We love her more than butter and bacon and boxed wine. And this post? We think it's epic.

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The Stephen King Storyteller. Gather round kids, it's birth Story Time. Want to hear about a horrible episiotomy? No? Tough, you're pregnant so that means that it's compulsory for you to hearing about every disgusting birth detail from the woman in line at the bank. After all, it's important to know how your next door neighbor lost her mucus plug at a BBQ. (Gork)

The Lame Namer. It’s doubtful that you and your partner have put a lot of thought into choosing a name so it’s important these folks weigh in on this decision with a couple of names they thought of on the way into work. Plus, they hate the name you were thinking of because if reminds them of a girl in high school that had a funny birthmark on her chin. Just nod and say you'll consider KanDi with a heart over the "i" and leave it at that.

The XS XL Examiner. This is the person that will ask you if there's two in there or are you sure you aren't due tomorrow instead of three months. This is the same person that will point out how tiny you are if they feel this the case as well. "Where are you hiding it?" "It looks like you've swallowed a grape." It's hard to say if it's supposed to be funny or a compliment but they usually make you feel like you should either be shot and mounted over a fireplace or that something is wrong with your now creepy, peanut baby.

The Eliza Boo Little. Just you wait Henry Higgins! This person jumps in anytime you look like you're  just a little too happy about having a baby and says "Just you wait until the baby comes. You'll never sleep, eat, laugh, breathe, screw, or go to Cincinnati again!". Clearly you don't realize how difficult it is to have a baby so it’s up to them to make sure you don’t get too excited. Babies are awful. Stupid babies.

Dr. Oz It really is amazing that you made it as far as you have considering how reckless you're being with your diet and daily routine. Normally  they wouldn’t care of course, but seeing as there’s a baby involved, they'd better get in there and smack that coffee out of her hand; or better yet, just give some dirty looks and shake their head. That will teach you. After all, they don’t want their tax dollars going towards your kid’s tail removal someday.

The Accidental Whorist. Such a charming question to ask someone if their pregnancy was an accident. It's important for these folks to let you know that they don't approve of your reproductive schedule and perhaps you should consult them next time. Clearly you are too, young, old, fertile, fat, funny or tall to have a baby at this juncture in your life and frankly they are surprised at your utter lack of judgement. These are the same people that say, "Didn't you see that?" when you stub your toe and who don't like pizza. They're just pointless.

The Sex Obessesed. Surely if you already have a girl, you're going to want a boy and vice versa. If you don't have any children they may assume you want a girl and your partner wants a boy because that's how it works. These are also the people that will swallow their tongues if you say you aren't finding out the sex. "Don't you want to know?!", "That would drive me crazy!" Perhaps it has, Asshat. Perhaps it already has.

The Egg Inquisitioner. This is the person that asks you if you've conceived naturally. It's classy because, if you're used fertility treatments you have to reveal a very person, private part of you life and if you didn’t, then you also has to reveal a very person, private part of you life. It's a delicious catch 22 and there is no tactful way to answer this so feel free to just fart and walk away.

The Surprised Blow Up Doll These are the folks that chime in around 37 weeks and say things like “Are you STILL pregnant.” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and extra helpful “I guess it just doesn’t want to come out” – which is nice because it points out the delivery you are *clearly* putting off and it’s a little gross too.

The Silver Back Belly Toucher. Oh, you just knew if was coming. We all love the folks that just walk up and start molesting your stomach. It's especially nice when you're sister-in-law's boyfriend that smells like cheese does it and makes a “MMmmmm” noise at the same time.

This is my personal rule of thumb with this one: if you would be comfortable with them touching your thigh when not pregnant, then they would probably be okay to touch your belly....with permission.....and a hazmat suit......holding chocolate. You know, like when your girlfriend taps your leg at the movie theatre and says, "Oh my God, I forgot to tell you that I slept with David Beckham!" – I feel she would be okay to touch your belly.

Most of you are going to totally get this list yet there are always a few people that think they just can't win when it comes to pregnant woman. I would argue that pregnant gals have to deal with things like heartburn, nausea, hemorrhoids and learning what perineum is and none of us should have to know about the taint, so no. No, you can't win. Sorry. I hate to be the one to break it to you but it's best you know [insert thigh pat here.]

As for what we all should say to a pregnant woman, I love this comment that was left on the blog:
"I could see this guy eyeballing me in the elevator despite my best efforts to focus on the numbers. Right before he got off the elevator. He paused, looked at me and said, 'I bet you will have a beautiful baby.'"


I like to think he looked like David Beckham.

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Don't forget to check out the Chicken. BAWK!!



(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

75 comments:

  1. Love it! I'm pregnant with my first and got my first 3 belly rubs in one day last week. They were all by family but by god the power it took not to flinch away and give them the evil eye! I was visibly twitching for the rest of the day.

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  2. absolutely amazing list! Why is it that as soon as your pregnant people seem to consider your body as public property and an appropriate topic for conversation? I mean, the little munchkins are already all up inside literally feasting off of your lifeblood to grow stronger... and Doctors are poking and prodding and you're having to answer questions about all sort of shizznat that is not normally considered polite dinner conversation... But on top of it all the Nosy Parker standing beside you needs to know the inner workings of body and after discussing the horrors of their experience, scaring you out of your ever loving mind about the inevitable birth that is looming on the horizon, they want to touch you... nay, carress you! Huh? I don't think so lady - back.the.eff.up or I'll sit on you and unload a whole bunch of the nastiness that has been building up in this overworked body of mine :)

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  3. So far, only one creepy thing has been happening to me. It's usually from ladies in their fifties, and it's the following conversation: "Do you know what you're having?" "A girl" "Oh yes, it looks like a girl!" To me, it looks like a baby bump, in fact every baby bump looks like a baby bump. How are people getting they're sex-of-baby-bump data? Checking out pregnant women and stalking them until they give birth?

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  4. Best domestic enemies ever! I love the real insistance ones - "are you SURE there's only one in there? Have they checked? You know second cousin's sister thought she was only having one in 1902 and out popped a second. It could happen."

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  5. Another one is asking how many kids you already have. I am pregnant with my 3rd, and even though I am going on 27, I look about 20. When I say its my third, I can see all sorts of thoughts going through their head. I just want to scream "Yes I am married, yes I have been married longer than I have been making babies, yes they all have the same daddy, and yes I KNOW HOW they are made!"

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  6. I always loved being at work and hearing "WOW, you are HUGE" I would always reply the same, "Thanks, I'm 9 months pregnant, What's your excuse?" Thanks for the great post :)

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  7. "It's a delicious catch 22 and there is no tactful way to answer this so feel free to just fart and walk away."

    I shall laugh at this for the rest of the day!

    We just came out of the pregnancy closet about 2 weeks ago and every single person has asked me if this baby was an accident. I have begun just saying, "no we knew what we are doing, and what sort of birth control are you and your husband/wife/significant other using?" Even at work. I mean, they started it.

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  8. Oh, you forgot one...the people who assume you're a fragile, wilting flower now that you're pregnant. I was a pastry chef before I became a SAHM. Part of the job is having to move around huge (as it, I could sit in it nine months pregnant) mixing bowls and beaters to make mass amounts of batters/mousses/icings. I worked with two Polish men and a little old Greek woman at the counter, and they all chastised me-loudly-if I went to pick up so much as a whisk. While it was nice getting extra help, it did get annoying after a while. Not to mention the fact that they all kept trying to force-feed me, as I was too skinny for their tastes.

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  9. The name thing: my in-laws still refuse to call our middle child by his name (James) because of some asshat they knew "ages" ago with that name...instead they call him JD...he's 2 and it still boils my blood!

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  10. Touch the bump, come back with a stump. Feel free to use and all monies go towards buying prosthetics for the hapless assaulters which have I am an asshat printed on them.

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  11. A few weeks ago I had TWO different coworkers come up to me and tell me a pregnancy related joke. It's the one where the baby recognizes voices once it's out of the womb. (Yeah, hilarious.) And the punchline is that the baby recognizes the dad because his penis poked the baby in the head during sex. BOTH of these people thought that it was okay to, while telling me the punchline of this joke, POKE ME IN THE FOREHEAD. Whoever said it was okay to poke a pregnant woman in the forehead should be shot.

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  12. The good thing about being fat and snitchy before getting pregnant is that few people are willing to take the risk in assuming you are pregnant, even days before you deliver. I got through my entire first pregnancy without a stranger belly rub, it was lovely!

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  13. oh my second is 3 months old now and you REALLY hit all the highlights! I got so tired of hearing the "are you sure you're not having twins?" and "you're about to have that baby any day now, right?" Um acutally I have 8 weeks, left, but thanks. I would alternate between wanting to burst into tears or punch someone in the face. Or punch someone and then cry.

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  14. I worked as a nurse in the hospital before choosing to be a SAHM. One day, as a health care aid was telling me how extra-large I was considering I was only a few months along, a young patient ovherheard. He tried to make make me feel better by telling me that cows show early in their pregnancies too. He was in his early 20s and a farm boy who asked for his mommy the second he woke up from his surgery, so I knew he hadn't learned how to talk to girls up close yet. He was the only one I didn't feel like cutting down when comments about my size were made.

    Working in a hospital while pregnant adds a whole new element of danger. I got kicked out of the ER once when a patient came in after accidentally making cyanide by mixing farm chemicals together. I also got kicked in the stomach by someone suffering from dementia.

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  15. BAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for making me almost snort coffee out my nose this morning!

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  16. My favorite (besides all the gems on this list!) is "Oh, you look so tired!"
    Well, yes, I'm tired. I'm growing a friggin human being in here. And I only sleep 3hrs a night because I am up.every.half.hour.peeing.

    And a special note to that oh-so-thoughtful-CW,y'know, the one who doesnt have kids but likes to share OTHER people's labor horror stories,
    If you thought it would be rude to tell me I look tired/am getting big/am eating badly before I got pregnant, IT STILL IS now.
    TYVM.

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  17. This was hilarious! :)

    I just have ONE question.... Which one of you is pregnant or trying to get pregnant? Hmmm? :) All the entries for the last few days have been all about babies and pregnancy tests...I realize Lydia's sister just had her first....but I think something is brewing ;)

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  18. I am guilty of sharing the delivery stories, but that's because I really liked hearing other Mom's stories! Bring them on, I say! But if someone was looking clearly uncomfortable, I wouldn't go there...and I only had one person in both of my pregnancies who dared touch my belly (and she had the audacity to start PRAYING-I'm not even Christian!). I just can't believe it when I hear that perfect strangers would do such a thing...it would be tantamount to having my a$$ grabbed by a stranger!

    I think the only thing I ever tell people (unsolicited) is that if you want an epidural, GET an epidural. And if you DON'T want one, don't let anyone talk you into it. Your pregnancy, your delivery, your rules!

    Great Post!

    ~Cat

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  19. I had a client say to me when I was 8 weeks away from delivery: "I don't think you make it that long." Huh? So are you wishing pre-term labor on me? Did she want me to explain that I knew the EXACT day I conceived and that yes, I WILL make it that long unless something awful happens?

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  20. I bow down to the Pregnant Chicken. Couldn't have been funnier!

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  21. When I was pregnant with my now 9 year old, I got the egg inquisitioner question A LOT. The first 2 times I was just offended. Then, I decided to have fun. So, the next 9 times I got it I politely replied "Neither, it is the second immaculate conception". It always stopped people in their tracks, usually as their hand was about to rub my belly.

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  22. Looove it. Just had my 2nd 6 weeks ago. With my first, the Silver Back Belly Toucher was Public Enemy #1. With this one it's a tossup between the Sex Obsessed and the Surprise Blow Up Doll.

    Good stuff, considering printing it out to put on the fridge for daily giggles!

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  23. My first is now two months old and my eye is still twitching from the Flying AssMonkeys out there... though I got a perverse pleasure from watching my hubby (I call him Mufasa LOL) jump in front of me in the grocery store if someone tried to come up and touch me, the looks were PRICELESS

    Though now that the baby's here since hubby told one wrong person "how this happened" (I just told everyone that they were old enough to have had that conversation with their parents by now), I now have to deal with everyone saying "ooo the baby's so beautiful - what kind of birth control are you going on now? You know they make ___"... sigh

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  24. Great post! I teared up at the elevator guy's comment. We need more people like him.

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  25. If I'm ever pregnant again, I'm buying this shirt: http://images7.cpcache.com/product/308991397v1_480x480_Front_Color-Black.jpg

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  26. Some snookie looking temp got ALL kinds of exctied last year realizing I was preggo (seriously I was 8 months - not unnoticable) And came around my cube and around my desk arms outstretched to belly rub me. I asked her who the hell she was and why she thought it would be ok to touch me. I continued that I wasn't a fan of people I knew touching me preggo or not so strangers were completely off limits. She got offended. Oh well. In my defense I had hyperemesis for the whole deal so by the end I just wanted to lay down and die rather than have to be pleasant to anyone...

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  27. I almost forgot all about the "you look tired" folks. "THANKS! You look like crap too!"

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  28. I'm pregnant with my 1st and am guilty of the belly rub...soooooo I guess I'm in for it. I reap what I sow *lol*

    And as much as I grin & bear it, oh how I cringe at all of the "advice" medical and maternal that I'm getting....grrrrrrrr!

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  29. I know all the above, oh, oh, so well. I even wrote about some of the specifics: ilikebeerandbabies.com/search/label/Stupid%20Sh*t%20People%20Actually%20Said%20to%20Me

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

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  30. LOVE it! I have a 7 year old, 4 year old twins, and 8 month old, and I got these every single time. I also got extremely dirty looks from people because I look younger than I am. I love love love that comment elevator guy made!

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  31. Ah, yes. Pregnancy. Such a magical time. I love the "just fart and walk away" idea, that's perfect for so many situations.

    I have my own beautiful story of a silver backed belly toucher, though. I had a really hard time emotionally when I was pregnant with my second, and since I had been very heavy before I ever got pregnant I never really looked pregnant. One day in Walmart, a lady came up to my out of the blue and started rubbing my belly and said "Oh you feel like you're about 8 months along". I dropped the thing I was holding and grabbed her boobs and said "You feel like about a C cup to me". She was appalled, of course. I just laughed at her. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to fart and walk away. :)

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  32. having people pester me not to do stuff while pregnant didn't bother me. in the military i wasn't allowed near my occupation (OSHA has these pesky rules about polyurethane paint fumes and unborn fetuses) until after i came back from maternity leave.

    what bothered me was the pregnant women (my little sister) who acted like they couldn't DO ANYTHING cuz they were pregnant. in my second and third trimester I moved cross country, carried boxes, painted rooms (windows open fans blowing and wearing my painter's face mask) and loaded/unloaded the U-Haul. several times. so to hear my little sister say on her 2nd pregnancy that she shouldn't move that box cuz it was to heavy since she was pregnant. . . for 3 days. . . it was a jerry springer style argument.

    the one that grossed me out was a guy found out i was pregnant and told me that if i needed someplace to put the extra milk, i could always send it to him, he loved that his wife expressed. what am i? a friggin dairy cow?

    MOO.

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  33. My Mom was the Baby Name Police. She had an opinion about every possible name, often based on how that name applied to someone she knew or had heard of who was stupid/a celebrity/annoying/weird/criminal. Early in the pregnancy my husband and I decided we wouldn't tell her the real names we were considering, and came up the the Ugly Name Contest. With a last name like Rudd, the possibilities for fun were endless. Every time she asked us what names we were thinking of, we'd throw out something really awful: Dudley Bud Rudd, Elmer Rudd, Evan Rudd (think Evinrude), Isaac Rudd (I's A Crud), not to mention Vladimir and whatever other off-kilter names we could think of. She eventually stopped asking.

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  34. My worst one was somebody asking me what position I had used. She wasn't somebody who was trying to get pregnant (no boyfriend and a 17 yr old son) because I could understand the desperation that would lead one to ask such a question. Nope, she just thought that was a reasonable question to ask. In hindsight I wish I had told her it was Oral Sex, but my husband is just really impressive.

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  35. I had a condition know as H.G. ( hyperemesis gravidarum) with my pregnancies. basically, horribly sick all nine months, 24/7. the only cure? give birth. You get the jackhole questions, You still aren't feeling well?... Why are you so tired?... My husband was the worst! As soon as I would finally catch a few glorious moments of sleep, he would wake me up "to check on me" Finally, after a good friend offered to remove his man parts if he didn't let me be, he backed off.

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  36. LMAO - For the love of all things not related to Santa this is one of my favourite posts...Thank you

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  37. I LOVE the Pregnant Chicken ... I only wish I would've found her earlier...like 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. This was SO TRUE and hilarious as usual.

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  38. LOVE this! I am 31 weeks preggo with my first baby and have dealt with almost all those domestic enemies! Thanks for putting it in writing and giving me a good laugh :)

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  39. Agreed with everything but the use of the term "stomach" (which is obviously an untouchable internal organ) when one means "belly" or "abdomen" always irritates me. Otherwise, funny because it's true.

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  40. When I was pregnant with my son, I was standing in the mall looking in a shop window, and a man walked past. He suddenly doubled back and said to me, "You look beautiful. Congratulations." That made my week. :)

    Absolutely the worst thing for me (and it seems, everyone else) was the belly touching. Excuse me, random strange lady I've never met... would you approach a complete stranger and rub their belly if they weren't pregnant? Didn't think so. So get your hands off me, before you pull back a bloody stump.

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  41. I absolutely LOOOVE this!!! Especially The Examiner... I'm about 7 months pregnant with my 2nd, and while I *actually* look pregnant this time, I look like most women at about 4 months (I've been bigger with this one since 4 months than with my daughter on delivery day.) So the "You don't look pregnant" comments drive me insane!!! Do you KNOW the guilt I've gone through with both pregnancies starting out with an uncontrollable 30-lb weight loss?!?!? I know I should be thankful for losing the weight, but right now I *should* be gaining, and due to extreme anemia, I'm just barely able to maintain where I'm at! Thanks for pointing out how small I am. Let me go cry in a dark corner yet again cause I'm killing my baby....

    And you definitely forgot the MOTHER or MIL. None of the names have been good enough yet!!! We finally got to the point where we had to say "Our baby, our choice. If you don't like it, you don't have to see him." I still hear about it with my daughter's name, because WE aren't using the name I picked out, WE are using the name WE picked out!!! She's almost 3.

    And the sex of the baby?? OMG!!! Yes, I wanted one of each. I wanted a boy THEN a girl. We got a girl first, and when we found out Baby #2 was coming, I wanted a boy. But Daddy and Big Sister swayed me, and I found myself wanting another girl. Besides, I have a little brother, and I don't want to seem like a bad mom when I encourage Big Sis to dress up LB in her old dresses=) BECAUSE.IT'S.FUN!!!!! So yeah, we all eventually wanted a girl, but we're having a boy, but it's really none of your business, cause what if it's not "perfect" to get what we didn't originally want???

    Sorry, it's a rant, but seriously?!? Strangers suck when you're pregnant...LOL

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  42. I have three kids so I figure I'm completely screwed in the going to Cincinnati department. I've never been to Cincinnati but now I have to wonder what is so wonderful about it and should I really be wanting to go?

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  43. I've experienced the Name-Police a lot this year. We named our first daughter something a little unusual, but meaningful to my husband and I, and once she was born the family loved it. This time the hubby and I spent literally months picking out a name that meshes with both our backgrounds (do you know how hard it is to find something that works for someone with a European background with someone who had three different Native American tribes to his name?). We finally found one, and it's beautiful, and we love it, and... no one accepts it. Despite announcing that it's our 'final answer' we're still getting name suggestions everywhere we go. I've just started responding with random movie/book character names (I quite like saying 'the Dude' despite it being a girl) when asked if we've changed the name yet.

    I've gotten a new one this time around, too. Ever since the doc and I decided that another c-section was the safest way to go for me, and that we're starting to look at dates, I've gotten TONS of suggestions, mostly 'It was my/my mother's/my brother's cousin's uncle's former roommate's birthday', but also, because I'm due mid-September, there is actually a debate as to whether or not September 11th would be a good date or not. Seriously, unless you're one of the genetic contributors to the child, or you're going to be cutting it out, or you're going to be babysitting the first one while mommy's in the hospital Shut. Up.

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  44. This seems a little cynical.... I'm pregnant just like the rest of you, I don't like being touched.... but this kind of addresses the baby like something that is your business and your business alone.... instead of a human life, the biggest miricle of all.
    Pregnant or not, being rude is still rude

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    1. By your logic my existence is miraculous too... that doesn't mean I want someone coming up to me when I'm NOT pregnant, rubbing my belly and telling me how beautiful it is. Rude is also taking liberties where you're not entitled.... kind of the point of this blog post, IMO.

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  45. RE The Stephen King Storyteller... Uh, yeah. My favorite is when they start the conversation with, "So, epidural or natural?" There's no right answer to that question. If you say epi and they had one, they're all over the horrors of the needle and the shakes and the backache and the spinal headache and on and on and on. If you say epi and they didn't have one, they're all about how beautiful and wonderful and natural and healthy and perfect mother and how YOU should stay away from the epi too! If you announce "natural," then you'd better be prepared for the stories about the women who didn't have time to get the epidural and so "went natural" screaming the whole way with guts flying everywhere and quite possibly an accidental castration of the hubby at some point... And anyway, yeah. Birth stories. *Shudder*

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  46. My solution to the belly touchers and advice givers was apparently to ride where people aren't quite sure if you are pregnant or fat. When I went back to work after my daughter was born, I actually had a woman tell me they hadn't even realized I was pregnant. I'm not sure what to think of that.

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  47. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with my second child (#1 just turned three), and I think I have pretty much encountered every kind of person on this list. Some of them bother me more than others; for example, I actually enjoy hearing other peoples' birth stories. Eliza Boo Littles don't bother me much, as this is #2 after all and I think I have a pretty good idea of the amount of work having a newborn entails. I'm never going to get a good night's sleep until the kids are grown up & moved out? I can believe it!

    What really get me are the people who think that because you're pregnant, you're an invalid. Yes, some women have serious health issues while pregnant, but people should trust that a woman knows her own limits. My grandmother was the worst for this. When I told her I was pregnant with my first (also her first great-grandchild) she refused to let me do anything myself when she was up visiting. This led to such ridiculous scenarios as her practically crawling up the stairs (she has extremely bad knees) to get me a new box of tissues when I was only 6 weeks pregnant and 100% mobile.

    Also, am I the only one who has encountered the Reverse-Sex Obsessed? As in "I don't want to know in advance whether your child will be a boy or a girl, I want it to be a surprise, la la la la, I'm not lis-ten-ing!!!" My MIL was like that and it drove me nuts. I found out with my first that she was going to be a girl at my 20-week ultrasound. So of course I referred to her as a "her" for the rest of my pregnancy... Around everyone except my MIL. At the very suggestion that I might tell her what I was having she'd FREAK OUT. The woman refused to come to my baby shower because everyone else there would know if it was a boy or a girl and even if they said nothing, they would buy pink or blue gifts. Trying to avoid family discord, hubby and I managed not to slip up until a couple of days before my daughter was born -- and my MIL did, in fact, have a hissy fit when I didn't use a neutral pronoun and "ruined the surprise" for her! Anyone else encounter this phenomenon?

    (By the by, this time around I'm determined that my MIL will know when I know. I don't care if it "ruins her surprise", I don't need that kind of stress. If you want a surprise, woman, YOU have another one!)

    P.S. I love the elevator man's approach. Why can't more people be like that?

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  48. I'm 6 months pregnant with my second and this weekend a family member asked me how much weight I had gained and when I answered she replied with, really, that's all? Like she thought I had gained that twice that much.

    It's not socially appropriate to ask ANYONE how much weight they have gained, especially a pregnant woman.

    I find that men say the nicest things...when I was pregnant with my first a sweet old man told me he thought there was nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman and that I looked absolutely gorgeous! Such a sweet man.

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  49. In four pregnancies I only got one toucher, this adorable maybe three year old boy that ran up to me, lifted my shirt, and YELLED "Hey, You Gots a baby in There". He was so super cute and his poor mom was so super embarrassed, best invasion of privacy EVER!!

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  50. I firmly believe that the only thing you should tell an expectant mother about her appearance is, "Wow. You are glowing! So gorgeous! May I buy you some ice cream?"

    And I told every preggo mom that with my first, I had a labor of about 2 hours, 3 pushes and baby was out, and NO stitches. And that they shouldn't listen when people complain, because it could just as likely be totally easy and wonderful.

    --kate in Michigan

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  51. I am a first grade teacher and mommy to a four month old boy. When I was pregnant I had little first grade hands on my belly ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY and it really didn't bother me, because first graders are touchy-feely little buggers anyway.

    I also had the joy of being due April 1st and my little darling choosing to be 4 days late. I happened to go out on my due date (remember? April fool's day?) and apart from my coworkers texting me to see if I was in labor yet, my mother in law and my father calling me to give suggestions to jump-start labor, and having a raging kidney infection, I also had random strangers asking me when I was due. They either a)refused to believe me, since it was April 1st, or b)looked at me like I was plagued and made comments along the lines of "don't have it here!"

    Just to be extra-special, once my water broke I went out for bbq. To a restaurant. And ate there. I looked like I peed myself, but I just didn't care.
    -Laura in Texas

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  52. Thanks for the laughs! Your writing is assuring and hilarious at the same time. I've forwarded this post to so many friends.

    My parents and their friends are in their late 60's/early 70's. Apparently the other day over lunch, 3 of the men told a 4th that he was in charge of finding out how I got pregnant. His response? "I don't really think that's any of our business." I am so grateful to him for telling my parents about the other gossipy old farts, but I'm still livid they would even ask! I don't want to know any of their Viagra inspired escapades.

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  53. What was surprising to me was that my friends who have had kids always say, "If you want advice, let me know." and then discuss other things but the childless friends have opinions on EVERYTHING, "You should get an epidural, but no C-section and breast feed for ** months."

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  54. I get the XL combo with a sex obsessed egg inquisioner that becomes an XS examiner every time I leave my house and a stranger talks to me. "you look like your ready to pop!" (bc that's what happens, we "pop" out babies like Orville Redenbacher. It takes about 3 1/2 minutes). "I sill have have another month or two". Confused stares with back handed compliment about how well I carry. "boy or girl?". "we aren't finding out until they are born.". "They? You're having twins?". "yes". "did you have fertility treatments/do twins run in your family?" (same question, really). "we are just very lucky" (I should say "none of your effing business jack hole). Sometimes I get an Eliza Boo Little on the side with a "better you than me" comment. "you don't look big enough for twins.". "Well, I certainly feel big enough!".

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  55. I've had 3; I get itAugust 17, 2011 at 11:24 PM

    The only things I say to a pregnant woman:
    1) You look absolutely beautiful, congratulations. 2) I know pregnancy can be rough, is there anything I can do for you?

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  56. i pregnant with my second and te weirdest thing that has happened to me with my first i was at the nail salon getting a fill in and remind you now i was 8 months she was like yu soo big wat you having boy or girl, said a little gil,she was like you belly sit up too high for girl you have boy,i said no i am having a grl she was like well come here wen baby born i see if he a girl..i was so frustrated by that point i wanted so bad to say look lady i saw tha pink lines alright??? twice!! im having a girl dont mess with me right now or shell kick ur a**!!

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  57. Love this post! Now, as the mother of 3, I have had many Eliza Boo Littles that follow me into toddlerhood - "Oh, you think it's hard NOW? Just wait until they're walking!" Or, "Just wait until they're teenagers! or {insert any other time of life}"

    I do what I can to keep from strangling these kind of naysayers, but since I'm not pregnant, instead of farting and walking away (ala The Egg Inquisitioner), I'll just burp instead... LOL

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  58. Oh, I also love the post partum Name Game Changer. If you do not reveal the name of the baby until after they are born, it is much rarer to get a stupid opinion remark about the name. People are less inclined to insult a person's name when said person is outside the womb and breathing.

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  59. Hit the nail on the head, especially with the belly rubs. My MIL felt entitled to touch my belly (which I quickly put an end to) and constantly asked me if I feel "life" moving around. Um...I feel the BABY moving around, yes....but no, you still cannot touch my belly. People are just so insensitive and think because you're pregnant that you're fair game for rude, insensitive and just plain dumb comments/questions. Bravo for this blog entry!

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  60. I was sick 24/7 when pregnant with my daughter. Pretty much all of my female coworkers had heard me, and its a big building. Neer failed, this one woman uponseeing me cleaning the vomit and toilet water splash back off my face would say EVERY DAMN TIME how she was never sick a day, gained hardly anything and left the hospital in her pre-pregnancy clothes. Hold still lady while I find a way to kick you in your taco while carting my 50 lb belly.
    On the silver backed belly toucher, that's the same freak who will think it is perfectly okay to touch your tiny newborn. Back of freak, I don't even know if you wash your hands after using the bathroom. Go spreadyour poo infested hand gunk on someone else or you will be left with a bloody stump!

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  61. This was very funny! I could relate especially to the "Was it planned?" question. I remember being asked twice, once by a coworker and another by a former co-worker that I ran into in a store. I said yes, but really, what did they expect me to say if it wasn't? "Nope, I done got knocked up?". I got a few horror stories but I'd been warned to expect/ignore them, so I was able to tune out and respond with "Well, things have been fine so far, I'm confident it'll all go well."

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  62. The other thing that annoyed me was the people who tried to foist witchcraft on me to determine the baby's gender (specifically the gold necklaces/needle thing). I hated that I had to say "No I do not want to have you do that, please put the gold necklace away" but I did have to be really firm with a few people.

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  63. When I wass pregnant for my 2nd child 8 months after having my first!!! my husband and I were at the grocery store. Him with a wedding band me without any due to weight and fluid gain. this little old lady thought it was appalling for him to be parading his pregnant girlfriend around the grocery store!! The best comment as she stood there shaking her head " His poor WIFE!!" Don't I know it.. two babies in less than two years and judgemental people to boot!!

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  64. I'm due with my first in two days. My favorite is "The Annoying Know it All" with whom all converstions start with "should you be doing/eating that...?" followed by a lengthy diatribe subtlely indicating that you are, in fact, causing irreversible harm to your unborn fetus. Nevermind this type is usually a 60+ year old woman who is basing her information off old wives tales and outdated medical information. Ugh!

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  65. This list is spot on! I am due right now and I am so tired of mother effers commenting on how big I am while giving me sympathetic looks. And no, I don't want to hear about your summertime pregnancy. Just leave me alone.

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  66. In one way, I was ever so lucky to be fat before I got pregnant. Because, even right before delivery, I just looked fat. And most people are smart enough not to pet strange fat ladies. On the other hand, I really started losing my temper because EVERYONE, not just my friendly OB/GYN, was determined to describe, in excruciating detail, the horrible birth defects and health problems that my child was certainly going to have because I was fat and diabetic to boot. It's amazing that people who probably cannot spell their own names know about congenital dwarfism. And DH turned into the food police. It's a wonder he survived the pregnancy.

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  67. Eliza Boo Little....OMG. I swear if one more person tells me, "what til the baby comes..." Seriously? I have 3 stepkids and have known them since the youngest two were 3 & 4. I've wiped their diarrhea butts, had them puke on me, took them on vacations in which I needed a vacation afterward (which I'm finding because I said that fact out loud makes me a near horrible mom...) I'm pretty sure if I could walk into an instant family with no experience, I'll probably survive just fine with my newborn.

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  68. BTW, LOVE Amanda's comment. "...most people are smart enough not to pet strange fat ladies." I can't stop laughing.

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  69. This is wonderful! I am pregnant with identical twins and get asked the dumbest questions. It starts with "Are there twins in your family?" which isn't that bad. It gives me a chance to educate others on ovulation and chance (note: fraternals are hereditary, identicals are chance) as well as give them details about the single placenta my girls are sharing in utero and how my one egg released at ovulation was fertilized by my husband's sperm then just kept dividing until it formed two embryos.
    Back when we didn't know the gender, after explaining that they were identical, you wouldn't believe the number of people who actually said, "I hope you get one of both!" My response was generally that a penis is not identical to a vagina.
    But the number one fave has to be, "Oh twins! You must have had fertility treatments." Why on Earth would it be alright to say this?? My response is to go back to that part about ovulation and chance and remind them that identicals can't be engineered, can't be planned, can't be planted. As far as I believe, my husband and I were chosen to be doubly blessed with our little girls. Then I add,"But if you'd like to talk about the circumstances under which one gets pregnant, by all means, let's. What position were you in when you got knocked up? Not very appropriate, is it?"

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    Replies
    1. My brother and I are fraternal twins and we get stupid questions all the time like "But you aren't identical"(well that would be awkward if we were). The best one was when we were super tiny preemies and our parents would go out with us and the "Are they boys or girls?" question would pop up. My mum would always want to reply, "Nope all the parts work." but she never got the chance *sigh.*

      A wonderful solution to the Silver Back Newborn Grubbers is putting netting, like from a fabric store, over the stroller. Many a blue haired lady recoiled in confusion when they tried to get there unwashed hands all over us. When they asked why we had the bug netting my mum would sweetly reply, "Oh, we just don't want anything getting in with the babies." Then smile and walk away.

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  70. I think from now on whenever someone rubs my belly I'm going to touch their thigh and say "this is how it feels when you do that. "

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  71. "feel free to just walk away and fart..." I think I seriously have to examine why that statement makes me so happy. Perfect.
    HC

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  72. I recently told my husband that if someone touches my stomach while I'm pregnant, I'll just touch theirs until they stop. Fair, right?

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