Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Domestic Enemies of the Trying to Be a Mom

This post was submitted by our friends Roseanne and Sarah, who wrote it together about trying (and trying) to get pregnant.  Even though they wrote together, it's told from the perspective of one person.  Try not to be confused, we do it all the time.  That sounded porny.  Sigh... Sorry.

Here's a little blurbitty blub about them:
I’m Rosanne and I’m trying to be a mom. The odds aren’t good. I tried getting pregnant and instead got a cancer-like disease called Gestational Tropho. I deal with hard times by laughing, eating chocolate and reading RFM to be grateful I still get (almost) as much sleep as I want. My blog is rozzydozzy.blogspot.com.


Sarah is working through all the it’s-hard-to-get-pregnant-so-lets-try-every-shot-there-is sh*tstorm, and somehow does it with a laugh for everything.

And now we proudly present the:

Domestic Enemies of the Trying to Be a Mom

Okay, I know that me not being a mom technically should exclude me from writing a post about motherhood and its enemies, but what about wanting to be a mom. Like really, really wanting to be a mom.  So, these next enemies are a collaboration of my experiences with a molar pregnancy, and my great friend’s experiences with PCOS and infertility.

The Pee Stick – Know how nervous you get when you’re “trying” to get pregnant? You go to the store, buy the test (or 50) – along with maybe a couple other goodies to seem less conspicuous/excited/eager/neurotic, then wait like a good girl ‘til morning's first pee? So you do it and the staring contest begins… it is between you and the pee stick. [cue western stare down music] You have lost starring contests before but the stakes on this one are high because however faint, if there is a double line -- you’re pregnant!

But then this sometimes happen months and months and months in a row with no line whatsoever. And then you start to feel a little crazy.  And then the mean girl from high school runs into you at Target and starts gushing about how she got pregnant - on her period, the first time getting busy, on their first month of trying.  And you smile and nod and try to prevent yourself from crying or accidentally knocking her cart over and then running away really fast.

Doctors (AKA the bearers of bad news) – When you go in for your first ultrasound appointment, you’re generally full of butterflies and a tiny fetus, right? Imagine that you see the screen, know the image is wrong, and the doctor looks stumped for a second. Then, you see him realize what’s going on, and he beats around the bush for 15 minutes because he doesn’t have the cajones to be the one to tell you that you’re not actually growing a baby, but an extra-large placenta. Can you just get it over with, doc? I’m not paying you to dilly dally. Just say it and get it over with, Dr. Wimpy Britches and be sure to tell me like 100 times that its not my fault because I can already feel the guilty shame spiral starting.

Everyone else’s “infertility struggles” – I think the chart-topper are the “friends” who find out about your struggles, and say, “Oh my gosh! Me too! We’ve been trying for a month now and NOTHING! We’re STILL not pregnant! It’s so hard! After all, baby 1, 2, and 3 came almost by accident, they were so fast, I hate how long this one is taking! Let’s go out to lunch and cry together.”

Periods – These suckers already ruin your life for a week a month, but every one that passes is just another kick in the taco that your body can’t do what it was meant for. Double negative, menstruation.

The Question -“So when are you going to have kids? Do you even want kids?” Oh. My. Maude. Thanks for asking.  Yes, I want kids.  But just a little.  I mean I just take fertility medicine that makes me sick, work out 3 times a week - not because it improves my chances, but because I like to sweat for fun - chart my period because I have nothing better to do, pee on a stick on a regular basis because I like the challenge of getting the right pee-to-stick ratio. I have sex on schedule and put my legs over my head for 15 minutes after every time I have sex, because I feel like the look of my legs in the air makes me look sexy! There is something so flattering about having my cooch in the air while praying for this time to work. So yes. I want kids. Is that what you wanted to hear.  Or do you want me to look at you with very real pain on my face and answer your flippant question with the following: "We are trying."

We know that someday, we’ll be lucky enough to be in your ranks, and we know that when the time comes, we’ll have someone else's pee to complain about. But for now, hold your little ones tight for us tonight, ‘kay?

------------------------------------

Thanks for reminding us how lucky we are. We will.
xo, K & L(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

88 comments:

  1. My favorite advice while dealing with infertility? "Just relax." Because surely that will work when doctors, drugs and a whole lot of nooky didn't. Just relax. I'll get right on that. Right after I kick you in your properly working taco.

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  2. I struggled with secondary infertility after our first child died. Turns out PCOS runs in my family.

    Trying to become a mommy sucks. It's hard and requires lots of blood, sweat, tears and yeah...pills that make you sick AND crazy. It took three and a half years plus a miscarriage in between, but we rallied and managed to have one. Now we want another one (11 years later) and the thought of going through all that again is daunting to say the least.

    My advice, when it's hard to get thru the day without stabbing someone...just give into the urge and stab away. Fertility meds are a fantastically automatic (or should be) not-guilty by reason of other people's stupidity plea.

    And big Fertile Myrtle thoughts your way, both of you! Next time you pee on a stick, you can picture all of us insane Mommylanders chanting "Two lines! Two lines! Two lines!" (What finally worked for me was that my friends sacrificed a chicken in my honor. It was cleverly disguised as a bbq. Sneaky, huh.)

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  3. This post hits really close to home for me . DH and I tried for 6 years spent tens of thousands of dollars had 3 miscarriages all before finally getting our beautiful baby girl.
    My worst enemy was myMom who would tell people that I couldn't figure out how to get pregnant. Gee thanks Mom, making me look incompitant makes me feel just swell.

    To all you mostly moms ("mostly" because if you were like me, your'e are a Mom in all ways but the literal one) don't lose hope. You're time will come. I pray every day that Heavenly Father will give a deserving woman a chance to be a mom, instead of crack mommies

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  4. Thank you for writing this for me. I have a hate/hate relationship with the bitch that is PCOS, but it's not enough for a monthly visitior to tell me how much I suck at being a woman. I have the absence of one to spit in my eye and tell me that I have NO chance of winning the good timing lottery. And just to add salt to the wound, I also have a mother who despite knowing about the PCOS and all the schmidt it brings with it, continues to ask me, "Isn't about time for a baby?" Sure thing Mom! I'll get right on that as soon as my ovulation/menstration cycle gets back from it's 7 month (and counting) vacation.

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  5. Thank you.

    If I hear one more person tell me that it will happen when it is meant to or that they had friends who got pregnant when they stopped trying, I'll scream!

    Nice to know there are others out there.

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  6. Thanks for this. It was funny, and sobering, and a good read. It's good to be able to laugh through tough circumstances, but not easy to do, that's for sure. So it's helpful to have someone help us out. I hope and pray that everyone who wants two lines, gets them this month! (btw I love the photoshopped pee stick. Ha-larious.)

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  7. As a non-mom, non-married, non-ever-going-to-be-a-mom-as-long-as-I'm-not-married-but-oh-my-gosh-if-this-takes-much-longer-I'm-never-going-to-be-a-mom loyal reader and fan of y'all's - I just want to say a big THANK YOU for your honesty and stubborn senses of humor. It's one thing to commiserate with other gals in the same boat as me; it's an even more encouraging and precious thing to look out on ALL the women out there who are trying to be women in their own circumstances, with their own desires and own enemies and own customized panel of cruel critics, and to see those women courageously throwing back their heads laugh, howl a little, and then keep digging in to be the wonderful women that they are. You two, and your guest writers, are always a huge encouragement to me.

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  8. gah PCOS! 5 Miscarriages later I found out that was the culprit - that and super low progresterone levels. Hard to keep a smiling face when all your friends are falling pregnant at the drop of a hat (or a pair of pants, each to their own). Artificial hormones were my friends but I know that ultrasound scenario veeerrryyy well *hugs*

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  9. Knocking her cart over and running away really fast - lmao!!!! Awesome visual.

    This is so hilarious, I experienced every single one of those last year when I was trying to get pregnant. EXCEPT the retarded doctor was wrong! Told me I had a blighted ovum and needed a d&c...but in fact there WAS a baby growing in there. Glad I listened to my instincts.

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  10. I feel for you, ladies! My husband and I tried for nearly two years, and tons of fertility treatments (shots, hysterosalpingogram, IUI, pills, etc.), before we got pregnant with our little man. I had PCOS, which they were treating me for, but we finally figured out I had undiagnosed endometriosis (stage 4, no less) as well. The month after they took care of that (via surgery), I got pregnant.

    I totally understand and remember the heartbreak of the one-lined pee stick. I also remember the pure, unadulterated joy of the two-lined one after such a long try.

    I wish you both a two-lined, actual-pregnancy pee stick very, very soon!

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  11. Hang in there, girls! I love Talon's suggestions that you just "stab away!" I know the pain of infertility, too, tried for YEARS before giving up and then getting pregnant "by accident". I finally got to the point of having to tell my inquisitive parents to stay out of my bedroom and that I would let them know if something changed and we had kids. Of course the millions of unsolicited comments/advice from every. freaking. body. (whether they had kids or not) is exhausting: "my cousin's uncle's girlfriend just stood on her head 10 minutes after having sex. Worked like a charm!" People are idiots. Well-meaining idiots, but still. I'm joining in the chant for ya'!
    TWO LINES, TWO LINES, TWO LINES!!!

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  12. How about the ever-popular, "Why don't you just adopt", or the clever, "Maybe this is God's way of telling you you shouldn't have any more."

    People are such ignoramus'. I went through two pregnancy losses and you would only believe the comments of those domestic enemies if you heard them yourself. "It wasn't meant to be". "The baby was probably sick so he/she is better off". My favorite, "It was God's will".

    Now that I have two children, I get this gem from my own mother, "Remember, you were so desperate to have these kids, so you can't complain when they act out/pee on the floor/act like satan". I could go on about this for hours...

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  13. Amen and amen. The "I understand-- it took us two tries" comments AND the "when you stop trying so hard, it will happen" advice. I expected to have really good arm strength from all the isometric workouts I got, refraining from slapping the fishsticks out of those "helpful" friends.

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  14. Boy oh boy, do I know what this all feels like. Two losses, one when I was six months pregnant and the other at 10 weeks, FOUR in-vitro fertilizations and THREE frozen embryo transfers. Nada. Zilch. Zip. The only thing I got for my troubles is the debt, the mood swings, pregnant bellies and babies being shoved in my face EVERY. SINGLE. PLACE. I. WENT and the havoc the fertility drugs caused to my body, i.e., 14 years later I still don't have a normal period, and those pesky mood swings are STILL THERE! BUT! We adopted a beautiful boy from South Korea when he was 5 months old and he will be 10 in January.

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  15. My personal favorite is that after you've spent a small (or not so small) fortune on trying to get pregnant, and have you're "ace in the hole method" tell you that sorry it won't work for you, and you by some miracle of God get pregnant, you have some stupid jackhole tell you, "Oh see...all you needed to do is relax!"

    After 3.5 years of trying, 1 still birth at 20 weeks, and 2 miscarriages "relaxing" is just not in my vocabulary.

    May you be blessed with the baby that is so wanted in your family!

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  16. Great post. I have also had fertility struggles. Before I got pregnant w/ my daughter, I had two ectopics and lost one tube, and had to use clomid to get pg. It felt like the ultimate slap in the face both times the embryo got stuck in my tube.We are trying for #2 and it is proving just as challenging. We are already on IUI so we shall see! Good luck and I am sending good baby juju your way.

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  17. I struggled with this for 2 years when we finally gave up, started looking into adoption...and got pregnant. Then it was on to the challenges of the mom with high risk pregnancies, since I have not one but THREE things that both try to keep me from getting pregnant but also try do destroy any pregnancy I might achieve. It's not fun, and it's draining in every possible way, but so worth it!

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  18. I am happy now with a wonderful 10 year-old, but I remember this pain. Trying and trying, with a miscarriage thrown in and everyone else in the world is pregnant, including best friend and sister-in-law who just happen to both have the same due date as the baby I lost. The depression when your period starts AGAIN and you are right on with the laying in bed after sex with legs in the air! Humiliating. Hoping it happens for you soon!!!!!

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  19. Oh. Wow, my heart goes out to all of you. Thank you so much for sharing this!!

    And, can I request a domestic enemies of the multiple miscarriage mom?

    I can only imagine how awful it would be to have so much trouble getting pregnant, my heart really does go out to you. But, I'd love to see a miscarriage mom one, as I've had 5, and each time I have been pregnant there's been at least one close friend / family member due around the same time so I have living reminders and birthday parties to go to that just bring back the "what I don't have's".

    We want to try again, but it gets to a point that its just oh-so-scary, can-we-survive-another-one.

    Ditto on the "don't tell me it'll happen when I least expect it", oh, and "maybe you should try a detox". Wow...what haven't we tried???!!! Maybe the chicken sacrifice in form of BBQ will work :)

    Love and long happy healthy full term pregnancies to you all x

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  20. Thanks for this one. I *FINALLY* got pregnant after 3 years of infertility and several miscarriages, and I gotta tell you - When the going gets tough with my now three year old miracle baby, I remember what it was like peeing on those sticks all those months and seeing nothing, and suddenly, the 5 lb bag of sugar spilled all over my kitchen floor just isn't as big a problem anymore... Hang in there, Rosanne and Sarah. ~*~*BabyDust*~*~

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  21. That was my life for years before my two miracle IVF babies. Keep on keepin' on, Roseanne and Sarah... My favorite mantra whilst shooting up was, "Everything will work out in the end... if it hasn't worked out, it ISN'T the end!!" Never give up, never stop trying. Infertility is something we need to FIGHT, NOT ACCEPT!!

    Here's some love from a fellow fighter. ♥♥♥

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  22. This is amazing. I love your strength, your humor, and your raw honesty. And I hate the nosy snitches who think they have a right to question you about the most intimate, personal decision a woman or couple can make. You go, girlfriend. Here's hoping your next post will be domestic enemies of the pregnant mom. Except no morning sickness, because that sucks.

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  23. Thanks for making me smile! We've only been trying for two years, but as anyone trying knows, EVERY PERIOD is a sobfest and two years may as well be two lifetimes. It's even worse when EVERYONE YOU KNOW is pregnant or has small kids (any other young Mormon wards out there?) and you feel like everyone on the street is carrying a baby or pushing a stroller. Not only does my body not work right so I feel like a failure all. the. time., but we're too poor at the moment for insurance or adoption. I know our little family will work out as it's supposed to, but if I have one more person tell me to enjoy it now because I have all this time to myself to "do whatever I want" without worrying about babysitters or screaming kids, I will have to go into hiding because I may just murder someone.

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  24. This post made me cry. I'm there now. We were lucky enough to have one child, and then I found out I had PCOS. Not only do I have the OB/GYN dancing around the pregnancy subject, but the endocrinologist didn't tell ME I had PCOS. NO, he told the ASSISTING DOCTOR in FRONT of ME!!! The fact I didn't lose my schmidt and get arrested still amazes my family.

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  25. My husband and I tried for 12 years. Ive seen many doctors and faced many road blocks. I have been told NO it is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I am due next month with our daughter. Don't give up hope ladies.

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  26. This post made we well up. I remember oh so fondly after my second gut wrenching miscarriage: my best friend at work announcing her pregnancy (we had the same due date) and I had just lost mine. This stupid woman at work came bounding up to me and said "I think you are pregnant right NOW." I. lost. my. mind. And when a pregnancy finally stuck and I started telling people - when I told that heifer that the reason I kept it a secret for so long was because of that encounter with her. Due you know she said - "well, see, I was right you WERE pregnant." How I kept from stabbing her was a miracle of epic proportions. I send you lots of baby dust and prayers ladies. Thank you for this post!!!

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  27. I am blessed with three babies so I can't even begin to imagine your pain, and I won't pretend to. Please just know not all Mommies are insensitive a-holes. If I could wave a magic wand and put your babies in your arms right now, I would. You deserve to be mommies and because your hearts are there, you ARE mommies. You just haven't met your babies yet. I pray for you both that your dreams will come true.

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  28. I can't even say how relieving it is to find out there are others out there like me who have not been able to get pregnant and can't afford to find out why.

    We've been trying for almost 6 years and this is getting really old. All the, "So, when are you two gonna have kids?" comments, are to say the least, really effing annoying and hurtful.

    To my sisters in barren-ness, I grieve for you all.
    To RFM, bring on the stories so I can live vicariously through you as a mother.

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  29. Been through a lot of this. Years of trying, years of not succeeding (I do not use the word failure). Our lives turned around for the positive the day our "fertility specialist" (known to my husband and I as "that asshole") dismissed us with a shrug and a pamphlet for in vitro fertilization and left the office. My initial upset was not that I couldn't get pregnant, but that this man could be so flippant about the situation.

    My husband drove us away from the office and asked if I would consider adoption. I said "Hell Yeah."

    Two years of forms applications fingerprints setbacks (all repeated at least twice) passed before my beautiful Chinese daughter was placed in my arms. I NEVER looked back. I NEVER regretted that decision.

    What was an easy decision for us will not be an easy decision for everybody else. I know this. I have a family now.

    Someone who suggests adoption is not intentionally being a jerk. Take it from someone who has done it. We are joyful in what we have done and we want to spread that joy to others.

    I do hope both of you create the families you so want. Best of luck to you.

    My greatest joys are my husband, my adopted daughter, and the continued freedom from having to deal with birth control.

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  30. There is a home treatment for PCOS. An effect of PCOS is the disruption of hormones--including insulin. Do some searches on PCOS and Insulin-resistance. Low-carb diet, over time, can help overcome the fertility problem with many people. It took me quite a few months for my period to come back after beginning low-carb, and about a year and a half after starting low-carb I was pregnant. I never thought it would happen to me! I'm saying this only to encourage--especially since the cost of doctors is so high. Best of luck for all of the mommies-to-be!

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  31. Thank you SO MUCH for this post! We're been trying for over a year and I recently turned 30, and if I have to hear "So are you planning on having kids" one more time I'm gonna have to stab someone with a rusty fork. It gets harder and harder to be give a polite answer and not reply with something snarky.

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  32. I'm reading this and crying/laughing because I could have written this. Word for word, this is my story!
    The ultrasound thing really got to me because when I did get pregnant, my first ultrasound was not a happy one. And I KNEW it wasn't right and my only medical experience is watching Mystery Diagnosis. But instead of just telling me I was miscarrying, the doctor made me come back for a second ultrasound. Yeah, because it was so much fun the first time. Sign me up!
    I think at this point, I should just buy stock in First Response. The employees at Walgreens are starting to recognize me!
    And this is why I hate hate hate the question about when I will have "my own" kids. Because A. my 2 step kids ARE my kids and B. we're TRYING!
    I'm so grateful for the 2 monkeys I get to help raise, and if they're the only kids I ever have, I'll consider myself lucky.

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  33. I have to say, it makes me feel ALOT better to find out that I'm not the only TTCer reading a mommy blog!

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  34. Love love love that this was added to the domestic enemies!
    It took us 7 years to get pregnant with our little dictator and I heard all of those. There should be a domestic enemies of the just overcame fertility problems mom because you are apparently never allowed to complain.
    During my pregnancy I had morning sickness right up to and during labor. I kid you not I vomited 15-20 a day. When waddling back to my desk after vomit #10 of the day I don't want the same damn people asking me every day if I feel blessed after thinking we weren't going to be able to ever get pregnant. Yes, in theory but at the moment lady all I feel like is hosing you in vomit so back off. Ps, my partner in crime totally didn't. Even. Feel. Guilty I was so sick because it was our miracle, dirty Beast Turd I should have miracled all over his arse.
    Anyway, with all the good mojo coming from the readers I forsee two lines in your future, just be prepaired to never be allowed to complain, which I'm sure is a problem you will gladly take :)

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  35. That was the hardest time of my life... Charting temperatures and cycles, using ovulation predictors, ph-balanced lubes, and some magical thinking (laugh if you will, but I got pregnant the month my fertility idol from Peru arrived and I tried the "fertility slaw" recipe). I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you get your two lines soon!

    Oh, and I seriously wanted to slap the snitches who kept telling me to try it "in the back seat of a Mustang: it worked for me!" I don't think my Fallopian tubes will clear out due to the scent of fine leather interiors.

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  36. Whenever someone asked me if I we were going to have kids, I would say, "Are you seriously asking me if I'm having unprotected sex with my husband?" Shuts them up every time.

    Prayers for the both of you - hope your hopes are fulfilled very soon.

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  37. Hey ladies! I was told as a CHILD (8yrs old) that I would never have kids due to a growth hormone problem and slow development of reproductive organs (the dr actually told my mom to get rid of the house playsets and dolls)...apparently my brain was a bit "slow" too, because I refused to discuss it or believe it until my husband and I tried to get preg. Several years, doctors, pain, frustration and stupid remarks later we actually saw two pink lines! I was having twins, but lost one of them around 3 mo. Praise God my daughter was stubborn enough inutero to hang in there. She is now 5 and has the same hormone disorder as I do (ironically the dr told my parents it wasnt genertic...wha?). So my plan is to never forget what it was like so that I can comfort my daughter (MANY YEARS FROM NOW) when she wants to make me a grandma. I pray that God gives you both strenght to trudge on and that He blesses you with your very own devilish cupcake!

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  38. Can we do a post with suggestions for zingers in response to the arsehole comments by nosy-nellies? Whenever I get a rude comment come my way I shut down and only think of a good retort after the fact. I had a miscarriage 3.5 months ago and just the other day was asked by an older male relative if I was pregnant. Whuck?!? I really think these types if people need to have their butts handed to them from now on.

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  39. i was so glad to read this post... thanks ladies for it! i hate all the comments and the advice (don't you worry, i have heard it all before, keep it it to your damn self please!) that people feel the need to send your way when you finally admit you are trying. oh well, people will be people. thanks again for a great post!

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  40. Ladies thank you for sharing this with us. I know it can't be easy, but it does make me very, very thankful for what I have.

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  41. This post brought back some memories for sure. My husband and I struggled (briefly by many standards) to get pregnant with our first child. It seemed so unfair that I spent all of my 20's preventing pregnancy with all my power and then when I decided I was ready, my body had other plans. I remember the pain and shame that every period brought, curled in a ball on the bed...I'm tearing up just remembering it again. The worst part was that my family are all "breeders", no one has ever had issues getting pregnant-hell my mom had her tubes tied at 24 because she got pregnant so easily...well I found out I was pregnant the day I filled my first clomid Rx. I would never give anyone any of that trite advice but I will tell you I am sending you all those pregnancy vibes and hope that you get a Big Fat Positive really soon! xxxooo

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  42. My love goes out to ALL of you! I don't even know a smidgen of how this all feels. My first child, 8 years ago, was a major whoopsie, so when I got married this past April I was all "yeah I'm Fertile Myrtle bring it ON!!!" (And the MR already had twins and a third so I knew he could impregnate me) After the first month though, and that stupid period came late anyways after I had already taken a bajillion of those tests, I suddenly realized that maybe it WASN'T that easy to get me knocked up anymore and I was already depressed and terrified that I was headed down that same road that so many of you are on. I won't go further with what happened after that because you'll want to kick me in my taco, but just in feeling that tiny bit what this could possibly feel like, I pray that you all get those babies that you are already mommies to in your hearts, and when they DO come in whatever way they may, you have FULL rights to suffer..er enjoy all the joys/pains of parenthood, and hold it against those little buggers when they turn into ungrateful teenagers! :-)

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  43. Simply, honestly, truthfully and sincerely, thank you for sharing your story. Yours echoed many, including mine, and I hope your wishes come true soon.

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  44. don't forget the "Dont give up! I never thought it would happen to us! We tried for 5 years and then it happened!" Um some of us try EVERYTHING for 10 or 15 years and it never DOES work! I didn't "give up" after 15 years, I just stopped wasting $ on the fertility treatments that don't work, and moved on. Currently waiting for our Social Worker to finish our Home Study for foster/adoption.

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  45. Right before I clicked on your site, I was thinking you needed to do this topic and here it was! I found you guys back in January when I was pregnant. Even though I miscarried I've been a huge fan ever since. Makes me feel like I can do this if I ever get pregnant again. So we keep trying. And I hate when everyone tells me to just relax, including my wonderful husband. I'll be 40 in a couple of months so relaxing isn't something I really have time for but thanks anyway. Oh, and I recommend pregnancy tests from the dollar store. They are $1 each, so you can buy a gazillion of them and not go broke. RFML rocks and good luck to all of us hoping to you join you!

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  46. As someone who got pregnant both times the moment we thought about it, I am VERY careful about what I say around others, especially strangers. You never know who is having problems. We have two sets of friends who are going through fertility issues right now: one who has had a couple of miscarriages and one who can't get pregnant at all. I've let them know that we are available if they ever want to talk, but otherwise we won't ask because it's none of our business. But I know a lot of people aren't as aware. One set of friends won't even go to family functions anymore because people haven't stopped asking them intrusive questions.

    I think when people (maybe not all but most) spout platitudes such as "it wasn't meant to be" or "the next one for sure!" it's because they have no idea what to say but they want to say something to try to make you feel better. Life would be so much easier if a socially acceptable comment was "that blows goats!"

    Good luck ladies.

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  47. Count me amongst those who have wrestled with that bitch PCOS. She's heartless and under-recognized/diagnosed. I fought her for years before she had a name. 20 years of struggle with all the symptoms, but never getting a diagnosis. I have been very very lucky, and my thoughts and prayers are with those still struggling.

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  48. Oh my sweeties, I know...Not like "one month of trying" I know, I mean I KNOOOOW. We went through 4 long years of fertility treatments, shots, IUI, surgery, that dreadful Clomid to be told we simply wouldn't have anymore and we'd have to be good with that. A year later, I found out in the emergency room that that wasn't the flu, it was the "pregnant". So I said that to say "hang in there"...and also that I'm praying for you cuz I know how much it sucks. Flat out, blows your mind with the sadness, sucks.

    Also, my favorite enemy was the people who would tell you to "relax" and it would happen. It happened to be true in our case, but show me a woman who wants a baby and is TRYING to have a baby and can relax...They.don't.exist.

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  49. After going through it myself, I can say the only safe comment to the TTC is... have faith, someday, one way or another, you will get a child! And all the pain and anxiety and hopelessness and feelings of failure and inadequacy will be forgotten. (Unfortunately, only to be replaced by a whole new set of feelings of failure and inadequacy - womanhood bites either way.)

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  50. I'd like to pose a question. As a pregnant mother of two I have a few friends who are struggling with infertility. They are being great about it, but I feel like an ash hole because I think if I were in their place I'd be yelling at the almighty, "Why does she get three and I can't have one?!?!"

    What do I say?
    Do I avoid the topic of my expanding belly and imminent due date?
    Help...

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  51. As soon as I had my little boy I couldn't wait to have more. Then I found out that I was a carrier for a major genetic abnormality that caused my son to be mentally disabled and could cause major retardation in any other children that i have. So while my parts work, I can't use them anymore.

    I know I should probably just shut up and be grateful for my one child, and I am. But every menstrual cycle is a slap in the face. It's like my uterus is taunting me. "I still work but you can't use me! Neener neener neener!"

    Best of luck to you ladies, and all of you who are struggling.

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  52. Best of luck. The roller coaster of infertility is awful.I have a clomid baby, and secondary infertility- I've been told "I'm sorry, ma'am it seems your eggs have expired at the ripe old age of 32." Even now when I've been told I have less than a 5% chance, and have had six years of nothing, I still get excited when my period is late, then devastated when it comes, really by now it should be old hat. I just hug my darling tight and try not kick anyone in the taco when I hear "isn't it time she had a little brother or sister?" I used to smile and nod and say hmm that would be nice, but now I just say I can't, and I've moved on with my life. Probably better than saying "let me tell you about my emotionally debilitating six year struggle with secondary infertility. . ."

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  53. I do have one little one who just turned two and he was a "not trying/not preventing" kiddo a couple months before we were really gonna start trying. We ended up with some complications with and after his birth after what seemed a picture-perfect pregnancy.

    Then I lost a wee one in February (a surprise a couple months before we planned on trying for a second kiddo) at just four weeks pregnant so we decided to go ahead right after that with TTC...and though it only took four cycles to get a positive again I remember how much of a blow it was every time Aunt Flo arrived yet again.

    And now I'm laying on the couch in the midst of a miscarriage yet again and crying while reading this cause it's not just the never-been-a-mom ladies who struggle with wanting to have a baby. There's also the can't-keep-a-kiddo ladies who would LOVE to be able to carry a little one to term.

    I do take comfort in the little one I do have...but oh how my heart hurts with wishing I'd been able to keep my other babies and having to release them to heaven!! It doesn't help that my "fertile Myrtle" SIL is pregnant with her SEVENTH kid and due three days after this one was supposed to arrive. Oh yeah, and I "get" to go in tomorrow for the awful sonogram to confirm that this one is indeed truly gone...just one week after we heard the heartbeat for the first time.

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  54. Oh yes. I'd forgotten the "adoption option".

    *groan*

    We looked into it, both thru foster care and internationally and it turns out they don't want us. Not because we wouldn't be good parents or provide for a child well, because I'd had cancer and the husband-shaped-thing had diabetes.

    For serious.

    And in the end, even if we could have found someone to work with us,(our reg doc was willing to write what equated to a dissertation as to why their reasons were stupid for us) it wasn't for us. We'll stick to adopting cats and dogs in need.

    Let me be clear: Adoption is AWESOME. I would have done it in a heartbeat if it hadn't been for that first, very harsh, very solid roadblock. We didn't just give up and give in, at that roadblock either, but honestly at the time, everywhere we went they said the same thing. Big, fat, unarguable, unmoving NO's. It was insane.

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  55. I cannot even fathom what you're going through. I'm one of those assholes that can get pregnant despite using two forms of birth control.

    I can tell you that not everyone who suggests adoption is a shithead. At least not on purpose. I'm an adoptee, and I'm grateful every single day that my Mom and Dad decided to adopt me. There are so many kids who need great homes, and people who actually really want to be parents make the best parents.

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  56. Thank you for this!!! We spent 4 years in infertility hell, and it sure is something when the doc says straight out "Oh, we won't bother with IUI - we're going straight to IVF since your situation is so bad!" Gee. Thanks. But really, I'd rather spend the money on a method that has a higher success rate (the issue was sperm, not me).

    Now, instead, I get the "It's about time for her to have a little brother or sister, isn't it?" or "Oh, when are you going to have another?" Cause it's just assumed that one would want to relive that hell to have a second child. Guess what - maybe I'm happy with one! Maybe I'm thankful for what I have! Maybe I'm happy I've managed not to throttle this one as she's in the throws of a 4.5yo tantrum!

    Infertility is the most awful thing to ever go through, and the painful monthly reminders of single line tests and 5 day bleeds are just a rude, in-your-face reminder that while you are financially and emotionally prepared, can provide a child with a loving, stable, safe family and home - YOU can't get pregnant. But the unemployed, uneducated 22 year old down the street who still lives at home and doesn't have a car got knocked up by her eff buddy and everyone's so happy for her. I'm sure the state is footing the bill and will further do so when she's on WIC and the FREE state medical coverage.

    Eff you Mother Nature. Eff you.

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  57. Better yet - the ones who are pregnant and complain about morning sickness or how fat they are or or or.

    Really? It sucks to be you. Cause I would do ANYTHING to go through what you are going through right now.

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    Replies
    1. I feel very deeply for all of you. I have a friend who has been trying for a year and I go and get knocked up the first time we try with my third baby. I guess some are suggesting that those of us who get pregnant quickly should feel guilty? Or act like we are just over the moon about the fact that we can't eat anything without barfing it up and can't stay awake for longer than 30 minutes?? Trust me, when you get pregnant, no matter how badly you want to, you will be complaining about the same things... I don't think it serves you well to be envious of others and make them feel guilty. Plus, you can't assume everyone knows you're having troubles and expect pregnant women to hide the fact that they are so you don't feel bad. No woman should ever feel guilty about her ability (or inability) to get pregnant - we should all support one another and be happy for those who might have an easier time getting what we want.

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  58. I say it best with this photo:

    www.stoweus.blogspot.com/2008/05/got-spackle.html

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  59. I've been trying to write this post but I'm still struggling. D@mn blighted ovum, discovered at 13 weeks.
    Then it takes 7 weeks for my period to show up- what the heck does that mean? Test after test and hope and hope and hope and boo... Nothin'. It's likely time for another appointment but it is always nice to know I'm in good company.
    Thanks ladies.
    xo, Dag

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  60. Thank you for writing this. I knew for years that I had PCOS and getting pregnant was going to be a major struggle. As deeply joyful as I felt for my friends/family who were having children, there was still that ache, that grief, that stung in the midst of happiness.

    Amazingly, I did get pregnant, even with PCOS. But I still feel sensitive for all those women who are still waiting, and I felt grateful for the miserable morning sickness. And I feel furious for all the flippant people--my well-intentioned but clueless-about-this husband included--who do the whole "you just need to relax" and "as soon as they adopt one, it'll happen". Shut the h*ll up.

    Ladies with PCOS, I hope you will take this only as the encouragement it's intended and NOT the cheerful unsolicited advice it could be taken as... and feel free to skip it. Two things that helped or gave me some hope:

    1) a reproductive endocrinologist told me he was "glad [I] had PCOS". I almost kicked him, then he explained. "There are things I can't help, like missing parts. But I have a ton of things up my sleeve to overcome PCOS. We'll get you there."

    2) "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler should be mandatory reading for anyone with a uterus, regardless of stage of life. It blew my mind and I really believe gave me the knowledge that finally got me pregnant. Even if it hadn't, it was worth it to gain the sense of awe for my body that I'd never had before.

    I am praying SO HARD for two lines for all you mothers with waiting arms. I hope you will be blessed so soon.

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  61. Ninja-
    As someone who tried for 3 years before I got pregnant with my little guy, I want to say thank you for being sensitive to those who are struggling. And YES, they may be thinking "Why her and not me?" Don't take it personally-it is the situation. I know this from watching my cousin and in-laws produce kid after kid (from the time we tried till we found out I got 6 new relatives) and I died a little each time. The best thing I can suggest is to let them bring it up first, and limit giving advice unless they ask or you know it's OK to tell them about the new cool thing you just read about that might help. It's really hard to watch someone announce they are pregnant--I admit, I got a little snotty about it in my head/in the privacy of our own home when discussing it with my husband--but if you aren't "in your face" (sounds like you're not) it helps. Even after my boy, I still feel a twinge when I hear someone is pregnant (I know SEVERAL right now) since we're trying again (we're hoping sooner rather than later) Let your friends love on your baby when he/she comes, that helps a little, too, and give you a break! :-) Hope that answers your question :-)

    And for those trying, the dollar store tests work and you save a TON of money :-) (Yes, I buy 20 at a time :-) )

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  62. We got really, really lucky. It only took us 15 months. Which would have been...not FINE, but less awful, if not for the fact that my stupid doctor at the time refused to test my husband until it had been a year, in spite of the fact that he's a cancer survivor (had it as a child), so we spent all that time with no idea if it was even physically possible for us to get pregnant at all. Once we finally learned he was fertile (yay!), we got into testing my equipment. Among other things, I had a hysterosalpingogram (funsies), and I got knocked up right after. Apparently, something was stuck in them there tubes. ;) Like I said, we got very lucky. Until the delivery, that is, but that's another story. My son is now four and has a one year old sister. Life is good.

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  63. My heart goes out to all these women praying for two lines. I feel so much sadness watching the news and constantly saying "these children never had a chance" because they were born to incompetent, messed-up parents, when I know so many wonderful couples who are struggling with fertility. It doesn't seem fair at all.
    I also struggle with the question posed by "The Ninja." I have been blessed in this area (and I promise I do not take it for granted), and I struggle with what to say to my friends who are fighting to get pregnant .

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  64. THANK YOU for writing this, I've been there and have to say Don't give up!! Took 11 years, 4 IVF cycles (FULL cycles as none of my embryos ever survived to freeze stage) and 1 miscarriage at 19 weeks to finally get my 2 miracles who arrived 5 weeks before my 40th birthday. I still remember the pain, the sadness, the "it's NOT FAIR" feelings every time a friend or family member got pregnant. Luckily they were very sensitive to my feelings and came to my house to share their good news. I faked a smile, gave a hug & cried for hours after they left. Had to skip many baby showers (including those for my BF and SIL) and then try not to feel bad about it. SUCKED, SUCKED SUCKED!!!! What do you say? "I'm here, put your head on my shoulder & cry if you want to, I can take it". No advice, no suggestions, just support. LISTEN because nothing you say will make it better. Prayers, hugs and two-line vibes to all of you!!

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  65. Talon- denied because of cancer and diabetes? WHA?!?!?! Thats just BS on their part. Sheesh. Move to my state. They'll accept you! :) I have Cerebral Palsy and PreDiabetes (thank you PCOS) and DH has severe Asthma and GERD and we were accepted (to my supprize)

    But I've also heard of other states that the foster system wouldn't accept someone for having a LITTERING Ticket!

    Can we add government idiots to the enemies of all mommies?

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  66. PCOS is a bitch, for sure. Thankfully I knew I had it before TTC, and was sent to a fertility specialist after only 3 months of trying. Finally ovulated on 150mg of clomid, but no pregnancy. I gave up on the pregnancy tests because it was so depressing every time, and just waited for my period to come and confirm what I already knew. What no one talks about is how the process ruins your sex life. Every second day for 10 days when you're completely not in the mood? Fun!! And then I'll get a UTI every second month? Even yesser!! I finally bought ovulation detector sticks and we only did the "mandatory" sex when those two lines showed up, which saved my lady parts from falling off! My miracle happened after two years of that hell, and believe me, I was shocked! (Of course our good news was overshadowed by my SIL getting knocked up by her unstable boyfriend immediately following a month-long break-up. Fun! At least DS has a cousin the same age...) Now I want to try for #2, and DH wants to put it off till his career is more settled. Um, does he not realize that we might be in for that massive struggle again? Hello?

    @Ninja: hard predicament. I suggest not bringing it up unless they do. Some people will just naturally be jealous and won't want to be around you, but then others will want to share in the joy of your kids. A lot depends on their personalities and how close to you they are. Listening more than talking is always a good strategy. My close friend got pregnant the first month when we started trying together, and I followed her experience closely to enjoy it vicariously and learn from her. And now her second is the same age as my son, so we're even closer!

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  67. I've been there, too. I know what you're going through. And we've got a lot of sisters in this experience. If we continue to support each other, we can make it through whatever struggles we have to endure to get to that place called 'mommyland'. My little miracle-child is dancing through the den and telling me imaginary stories while I'm typing on my computer. It can happen. Throw everything you've got at the dream you want and keep going...step by step...day by day. Miracles happen. Dreams do come true.

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  68. As a non-mom with years of trying, multiple miscarriages, and a recent 3rd trimester loss, (and still a lover RFML), Thanks. I think people forget we are out here.

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  69. I hear you, ladies. Fortunately we had some great support around us while we worked to make it happen and spent a small fortune in pee sticks...

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  70. I've suffered with secondary infertility, after my first it took 2 years and after my 3rd it took 3 years. It is NO FUN. And that's not even counting the 3 miscarriages, the barely was able to remain pregnant with my second, and that both my second and third were pre-term.

    I totally get where you're coming from. My uterus is just defective; I won't get into the details, but fertility drugs are of no help (not that we didn't try it just for the sake of trying). I've been told by Dr.s they are amazed I've managed to pregnant at all. But, I do have FOUR little miracles. Here's hoping you can too!

    If not, you'll come up with the right next step for you.

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  71. My heart broke. A little quote, one of my favorites; Motherhood is more than bearing children. … It is the essence of who we are as women. Hang in there.

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  72. Hi Lena. I am insulin-resistance, I am on a diet, and I am working out. I have a great tan from swimming all summer, but that's it. I have been dealing with this since 2008 when my hair starting falling out. It wasn't until this year when I found out I had PCOS. I am on medications that make me sick most days. Believe me I am doing my very best to get pregnant. -I'm also the one who had to the hear the diagnosis I'd been asking about for three years when my endocrinologist told the assisting doctor. It seems everywhere I go, I see pregnant bellies. It's not nice that I want to slap one of my closest friends just because she's about to have baby #2, and we've had no luck. It's just nice to see that there are other women in the same boat as I.

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  73. How is it possible to laugh so hard and cry from a broken heart at the same time?

    Was diagnosed with PCOS at age 22 and was told I would never have children. Then my miracle drug, Metformin, came along. That one simple pill made my period show up every 33 days.

    Then my ob/gyn said my endometrial layer was thickened and I needed a D&C. Only thing was, he didn't check very carefully before hand. 4 weeks after the surgery, I miscarried a set of 12 week old twins. If one more person said "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant", I would have committed murder.

    I had my first successful pregnancy at age 38, and my second at age 39. I spent 15 years convinced I couldn't have children, but will spend the rest of my life grateful to God that I was able to prove the doctors wrong.

    My pain wasn't nearly as intense as yours is now. All I can say is that I pray that your prayers are answered!

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  74. Actually, Ninja, "Why does she get three and I can't have one?!?!" was EXACTLY what I said, out loud, when I found out a couple of weeks ago that a friend (since high school) with two kids is expecting another. It took me until the next day to post "congrats" on her facebook page.

    The powers that be must have felt sorry for me, because they sent every rowdy, noisy, bouncing-off-the-walls kid with nonchalant, overindulgent parents into my place of business for the next two days. One guy was following his daughter around as she crawled laps through the restaurant where I work at the peak of the dinner rush. It worked, initially; then it wore off.

    Miss Monthly showing up usually gets the following reaction: "FFS. I DEFY THE PRINCIPLE OF CAUSE AND EFFECT. Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long. FINE, I don't want to rearrange my whole life anyway. My dad will be heartbroken if he dies without a grandchild. Maybe I really SHOULD chug Robitussin the next time I get lucky. I can't afford pricey fertility treatments or a surrogate, damn it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just adopt...like my in-laws, who then proceeded to have FOUR MORE KIDS THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY! I guess we really SHOULD be in a better place financially...I'M FORTY-TWO, I DON'T HAVE UNTIL THE END OF FREAKING TIME HERE!"

    All I can say is, if I had known how easy it was NOT to get pregnant, I'd have convinced my honey to ditch protection long before we actually did.

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  75. Thank you - love this one. While hubby and I get pg pretty easily we've had 4 miscarriages on our road to completing our family.

    I think the best thing you can say to others who are struggling is to be sincere. Give them a hug and tell them you are thinking of them and hoping for their dreams to come true.

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  76. Vicky: yeah, they didn't even want to talk to us after they found out about the cancer and the diabetes was just the icing on the cake. Knowing what I know now, there were other places besides the ones we talked to, but when you talk to the "offical" people from the county and state and they're like...thanks but kids don't need homes THAT badly...it's a pretty severe blow, especially considering it hadn't been so long since our son's death and my cancer (his death not related to my cancer). '97 was the year that pure schmit rained down on my family: SIX deaths, my cancer, the husband's diabetes and MIL's first heart attack. We gave it some time before both TTC and looking seriously into adoption, but honestly the adoption peeps were a lot more discouraging than my OB/GYN who made it his mission to get me pregnant. Worked too, I was one of the first in his practice to use metformin with clomid for PCOS.

    Infertility sucks donkey ballz. That's one reason I fully advocate the stabbing when the urge hits. I will PERSONALLY provide a sharp or dull stabbing instrument to those Working-their-Asses-Off-To-Become-Mommies for their stabbing needs. Sharp is more efficient, but dull hurts moar. *beatific smile*

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  77. the last one made me tear up a bit... I remember that

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  78. I'm far from the heartbreak many here are going through, but on month 4 of TTC and irregular cycles. My heart breaks every few weeks. I don't want to make long term plans without "we'll just see where we are". And yes... everyone I see is ready to pop one out! And I can't discuss it with anyone since we decided to keep it to ourselves to minimize the nosy nellie questions. Although that doesn't stop the "so when are you guys going to have kids? Have you discussed it any more? Grandma wants great grandkids before she dies" comments. Yes,the hubby and I discussed it in private, and there is a reason you weren't in on that disucssion. If we wanted to have you a part of that disucssion you.would.have.been.there. So stop asking and we'll announce what we want, when we want.
    Now my mind is filled with a thousand things that could me wrong with me or the hubby. I'm terrified that after 10+ years of avoiding it, it will now never happen and we waited too long. Of course the hubby understands none of this and thinks I overreact to everything.

    In summary, this post just made my month. Knowing that I'm not alone in my wishful reading of RFML and knowing that I am not alone in TTC world and I have barely scratched the surface of it. I will be thankful of that in three weeks when one of two outcomes happens again.

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  79. THANK YOU for posting this. My culprit was endometriosis, PCOS's snarky little sister. In the midst of my 2 years of Hell/treatment I had a "friend" (HAD =key word) spontaneously conceive... and proceed to bitch to me about every miserable symptom of her unplanned pregnancy- oh, and she had already aborted one the prior year.

    I (initially, politely) informed her I could not be the one to hear her gripes about that subject, as with the drugs I had allllll those same symptoms, only NO BABY to show for it. She kept it up.

    And THEN she told me that I should "lighten up" and just go have a drink- because *I* could and *she* couldn't, you know, cuz of the *BABY*.

    Holy f'ing beeeeeeeyotch. I am proud I did not kill her. Even though I could've blamed the drugs and gotten off, I bet. But I did cut her out of my life for being the toxic non-friend she was.

    The infertility struggles killed my first marriage.

    I moved on to a new relationship and wound up almost IMMEDIATELY, spontaneously pregnant... The doctor told me before I'd even taken a test, with a period only one day late, in for a totally unrelated medical problem for which and they took a precautionary pee test. My actual response was: "Shut. UP."

    So, I've been on both sides. My heart and prayers go out to all who are TTC, with the repeated chant of TWO LINES...TWO LINES...much love and support.

    http://www.monkeydoodlemommy.com/2011/08/some-peoples-kids.html

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  80. Diagnosed with PCOS in 07, totally get it. Youn have to laugh or all you'd do is cry. Best of luck to you!

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  81. I have PCOS as well. I totally get where you're coming from. Both sides of our families seem to sneeze and get pregnant so the post rang true for me.

    I'm now on the other side after numerous rounds of Clomid.

    I hope you two can join our ranks soon!

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  82. I too went through the struggles of unknown infertility. After miscarriages and those unholy fertility treatments & drugs we were broke and heartbroken. Somehow we had a little boy in 2003. Best day ever. Then 2 surgeries later along with a tumor & tube removal we were once again hit with utter devastation. Thank God for our son. Now jump ahead multiple health problems several back injuries, disc & joint disease and am 41 BTW I was severely ill thinking I had another uterine tumor only to find out that I was 3 1/2 mths pg! Thank you God. It's been Hell but I am so greatful and I have successfully made it to 7 1/2 mths. It was 8 years of heartache but who could complain- afterall I have an 8 yr old son & a wonderful husband. All I can say is I truly feel for you and I pray that you also will be blessed with a baby. There really Isn't anything that will take that pain away but I will keep on praying that you will be blessed with the one thing that will. Please hang in there and tell all the inconsiderate holes to go WTF' themselves.

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  83. My hubby and I decided we wanted 1 more before I went back to college, and it took us 8 months to conceive our 2nd baby. I know that isn't very long, but I was confused and frustrated because our 1st baby was an accident and I come from a long line of very fertile women. I did everything right: charting, temping, opk's, etc. And I hated the "just relax" advice. After 8 months I got fed up and said "screw this crap, I'm going back to school, I'll have another kid later." So we quit "trying" and I signed up for classes. The day after my first day of class, I found out I was pregnant! Of course I was happy, but also annoyed that "stop trying" actually worked in my case.

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  84. My answer (before the little monster arrived) to the pesky question "When are you going to have kids, you're not getting any younger?" Was always "When are you going to break a hip?" It's just as insensitive and usually shuts the asker up! :)

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  85. Oh, thank you for this post. I laughed, cried, and cheered at your suggested responses as I read. My husband and I tried for 5 years before adopting someone else's embryo created through IVF. People just do not think before they speak, and the worst are those that are trying to help. I want to tell them "Just say I'm sorry and move on, ok?" Praying that you get to see those two lines soon!!

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  86. Ninja:
    I can't speak for everyone, but in my case there are at least three things that people with biological children said that were not helpful - apologizing for being pregnant or having biological children, insisting the baby was a mistake (cause that makes me feel better that you can get pregnant even without trying, thanks) or saying they'd happily give me their baby. Acknowledge my pain without implying you understand it, and treasure the gifts you've been given that I want so badly. Those are the friends that I can still talk to.

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  87. Thank you so much for this post! We have been trying for quite awhile now and if one more person tells me 'it'll happen when it's supposed too' or 'when you quit trying is when it'll happen!' I'll scream! It's so nice to read about people who actually understand!

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