Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Mommyland Baby Registry

Remember the awesome post our friend Lainey wrote for us about the Domestic Enemies of ADHD Mom?  Well she's back!  This time writing about what should really go on a baby registry (hint: it's not a diaper genie).  To read more from Lainey, check out her blog Crazy Momma Talking.

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Not having been to a baby shower in a while….and delighted that my time in that particular baby mega-market has come and gone….I was excited to revisit a place I had once known so well. I got the registry and ran down the list of items the mother-to-be had chosen and thought awwwww….how sweet. But my brain, having been damaged beyond repair by the screaming of newborns past, began to formulate a more practical and less obvious list of items that SHOULD go on a baby registry:

King size bed that is also totally covered in plastic for easy wipe down.
Even if you choose not to co-sleep….the baby may have other plans. It will also put you in another zip code from your partner who you may want a little distance from. Not that the **love** isn’t there, you just may choose to express it in ways that minimize physical proximity….or eye contact. A side of disposable bedding (with bio-hazard bags) would be a nice add on.

A hockey mask.
That little cherub with the (hopefully) small melon is going to grow. Is going to grow in to a wrecking ball with your face as its favorite point of impact. Those lessons about mummification that used to keep me up at night….well….they just needed a toddler’s hooked little finger to get the same results.

Also, it can protect you from projectiles.  And with infants, projectiles come out of both ends.

A gift card to Home Depot.
My needs changed with each of my children. With ADHD Girl it would have all been spent on drop cloths and industrial grade cleaners. With Pouty, carpet cleaner, touch up paint and a belt sander. With Evel, lots of locks and a security system…like one of those Catherine Zeta Jones numbers with the lasers.

A gift card to the Old Lady Undergarment Store.
Post delivery and nursing there is just no other choice. I now live for being felt up ladies who look like my mother in a store that smell like Jean Nate. It is the only way to get things where they once were…or nearly there. The underwear sold there also helps eliminate my favorite morning question….waist band over or under where I vaguely recall my belly button to be.

A home medical guide.
This will help you sort through the strange illnesses and codes that will be presented to you. Seriously. Coxsackie what? Rota virus who? The book is a little scary but less annoying than those What To Expect books (aka What to Expect While You’re F-ing up your kid…or The First Three Years of Doing It All Wrong). A medical guide will also allow a new mother to narrow down any medications she may need, such as Prozac that really can be such a life saver that first year.

A Red Cross Grade disaster kit.
At some point a germ-a-gedon is going to come home from preschool. Scenes from The Exorcist will be reenacted. Any mother that was given a Hazmat suit with bucket, mop and box of gloves will be sending a second thank you note. If you’re feeling extra generous, add a gift card to a cleaning service one of those CSI shows would recommend. Let them deal with q-tip cleaning the DVD player…or the grills of the baseboard heater….just saying….

Night lights.
This is my hallway at 3am.
Just after I had ADHD Girl a woman with two grown children asked me if I had any night lights in my own bedroom...I did not.  Her cautionary tale was this: "Line your house with night lights...like a flight path. I woke at 3am to both my children calling for me and plainly being very ill. I was so disoriented, I sprung out of bed and ran straight in to the wall. I knocked myself out, broke my nose and ended up with two black eyes." I went straight to BJs and got a 8 pack of night lights.

A power washer.
Just about the only way to really wash a high chair, car seat or other seating station where food has been allowed. A tempting way to deal with the baby after a Mount Vesuvius style blow out....but not recommended.

Home made meals.
Food for the new family is sure to go over well....but there is something better. Snacks and meals for the new mother that can be grabbed and eaten with one hand. The first week of ADHD Girl's life, I personally survived on a cookie bouquet sent to me by friends. As I was trapped for one of our daily marathon nursing sessions I could reach over and pluck a cookie off a stick and stave of famine for at least 20 minutes. Every cookie and muffin given to me vanished. The fab chicken dish that required heating and spooning out of it's massive cooking pan....well...that seemed too time consuming and frankly too hot to eat over my I-will-not-allow-you-to-put-me-down-until-I-am-21 infant.

I am not sure any new mother would be all that super excited with what I now see to be totally awesome gifts. I’ll break this particular new mother in gently. Maybe with some carefully selected gift cards presented in a bucket. I’ll get her the Hazmat suit and a discount coupon for a tummy-tuck for Christmas.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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