Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Pregnancy Tests: A Pictorial of Pee Sticks

The most important test
you will ever take
This was originally run in the summer of 2011. Rerunning it now because OHMYGOD, it just totally happened to me.
Recently I was reading through posts that people had sent to us.  They were all amazing and the topics ranged from middle aged moms, to teen moms and trying to be a moms.  And it occurred to me that I could illustrate a theory I have long held dear.  Here is the theory:

Pregnancy tests measure more than the presence of a bun in your oven.  They are also bizarro barometers of a woman's reproductive life.  They mean a lot.

For example, pregnancy tests will almost always make you cry.  The reason WHY you're crying, however, varies widely:
  • Oh shit. I am pregnant.
  • Oh shit. I am not pregnant.
  • Oh shit. I am ambivalent about the result and what the hell does that say about me as a person?
  • Slow blooming happiness.
  • Despair.
  • Utter Bliss.
  • Relief.
  • Whuck. Have. I. Done?
  • Deer in headlights, blinding, all-encompassing fear.
  • Well, that explains why my tits hurt so much.
It depends on where are you are in your life how you will respond to the the results.  For several months of my life, the lonely single line staring back at me every 28 days was the saddest thing I had ever seen.  (But it was only for a couple of months so I should prolly shut the hell up and be grateful for that fact alone.)  I think pregnancy tests should tell you different things based on your age and phase of life.  The following is a total generalization, but well... You'll get the picture. 

At age 18, the test should actually look like this:

At age 30, it should look like this:

At 40, it should probably look like this:

And at 50, it should definitely look like this:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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