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| The most important test you will ever take |
This was originally run in the summer of 2011. Rerunning it now because OHMYGOD, it just totally happened to me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Recently I was reading through posts that people had sent to us. They were all amazing and the topics ranged from middle aged moms, to teen moms and trying to be a moms. And it occurred to me that I could illustrate a theory I have long held dear. Here is the theory:
Pregnancy tests measure more than the presence of a bun in your oven. They are also bizarro barometers of a woman's reproductive life. They mean a lot.
For example, pregnancy tests will almost always make you cry. The reason WHY you're crying, however, varies widely:
- Oh shit. I am pregnant.
- Oh shit. I am not pregnant.
- Oh shit. I am ambivalent about the result and what the hell does that say about me as a person?
- Slow blooming happiness.
- Despair.
- Utter Bliss.
- Relief.
- Whuck. Have. I. Done?
- Deer in headlights, blinding, all-encompassing fear.
- Well, that explains why my tits hurt so much.
At age 18, the test should actually look like this:
At age 30, it should look like this:
At 40, it should probably look like this:
And at 50, it should definitely look like this:
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
Can't but think of Ramona from RHONY when I saw the last pic.
ReplyDeletethank you, because, for about 2 months previous to this one i have been a test a holic , dollar tree, target clearance, i can't even get out of the store lol...the wow its a line, nope, evap, it made me so sad, lemme me preface that i have two girls, one who turns 2 in 5 days, the other will be 4 next month, a happy surprise happened early this year, feb., we lost him or had to lose him if u know what i mean, taking the crib back was the worst...i still have his little seal we call sealy that we got for him with my big belly like shamu whe we went to sea world, then i had a really early MC, so loss...grief...a lot...and then, after 20 ng. tests of so, and a lot of toddler screaming i said, ( well my husband thought it's a horrible idea) i don't want to be pregnant, and i was Happy...I'm working out...losing some extra weight i gained with my big loss..and loving on my 2 earth angels...i loved the hysterical pics, loved them...i didn't fail the test, i aced it! :) p.s. we are doing NFP w/o a thermometer and just a chart so, umm, accidents will happen like elvis costello likes to sing, but i hope it won't be me, and one of you other ladies reading this who want an angel baby of your own.
ReplyDeleteI just peed a little. Thanks for that lol! Pregnancy tests are the devil. My favorite part is where you pee on that damn stick and the line is so faint you can't even really be sure it's there. I was convinced that I was pregnant, my husband couldn't see the line. I had miscarried two months before and this was our first try since then, my husband thought I was hallucinating or that I still had some hormone in my system. Three blood tests at the doctors office and 3 weeks later, yup I was pregnant. My HCG levels were perfect. I peed on the other stick in the package just to have that moment where I could wave those two lines nearish to his face and say "woot woot!" I peed when I got home from the last blood test, second line was really faint again, you had to look at it cross eyed to see it. Of course I immediately started to panic thinking it was another miscarriage. That panic didn't go away until I saw the little peanuts heartbeat on the ultrasound. Now I can't wait for it to be Early October.
ReplyDeleteLOL at the one for the 50+ mom. My mom had a cousin who THOUGHT she had finally hit menopause at 54. Not so much. Baby girl arrived (healthy) 9 mos. later. If I had been in her shoes, I would have said, "Run those labs again, son. I have underwear older than you!" Then I would have had a stroke! :)
ReplyDeleteThat would be me, the 50+ mom though I haven't hit that age yet. I have many of the signs, but since my pregnancy was almost 7 years ago, I can't remember if the signs were the same. I cannot tell you how I bug out about 3 months without a period and just have to take a pregnancy test to be sure it is menopause. I think I have taken more pregnancy tests, just to make sure, going through menopause, then I did when I was trying to get pregnant! Of course I have an almost 7 year old, and an almost 4 year old (from adoption) and I am going through menopause! Ugh!!!!!
DeleteMy hobby is peeing on very expensive sticks. Either ovulation or pregnancy, I'm always peeing on something!
ReplyDeleteTOO funny!!!!
ReplyDeleteFor some more fun with pregnancy tests, check out www.peeonastick.com
I have always (well since suffering thru 62 long agonizing months of trying to conceive) maintained that the pee stick (whether for ovulation or pregnancy) should give you your little 2nd line or smiley face or whatever for positive, but give you SOMETHING other than despair for a negative result. Personally i like the fortune idea. Negative test gives you a confusious-esque fortune that will at least make you smile a little to soften the blow. "she who let cat out of bag is left with cat and bag" or something. Just sayin'. And you're absolutely right that the pee stick is a bizarre barometer of where you are in life :) thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteOMG!! This is so true!!! I got the "WHUCK. HAVE. I. DONE?" as my reaction to the very first one I ever took. Fast forward five years and there is a part of me that is soooo sad that I don't have a reason to buy one. Wow that hurts so much more than it should to admit. That pee stick can be a symbol of so many dreams and hopes... as a single mommy all they are is a reminder that I failed myself and my son. By not being worth keeping, (because it soooo not my kid.. he is cute as buttons!!) I have single-handedly made his future harder, (statistics?) but everything I dreamed of in my "I have my life planned out" fantasies isn't there anymore either. OMG!! So sorry mommies!! I'm turning 31 in two months and not gracefully! Didn't mean to run at the mouth!!! So sorry!!
ReplyDeleteI think at age 35 it should read:
ReplyDeleteII: Yay, God loves you.
I: Boo, God hates you.
Julie
ilikebeerandbabies.com
Totally agreed. Hubby and I tried for awhile, every negative was a slap in the face. Thanks to a medical condition I have, Dr told me I needed to get pregnant soon or not to bother past a certain age (that was coming up in just over a year.) Due to finances and an unexpected medical emergency in the family, we made the heartbreaking decision last year to stop trying. We had no idea I was already 3 weeks pregnant at the time! You can imagine my reaction when I realized my period was MIA, and my last pregnancy test I had in the house was positive. I was somewhere between your "Slow booming happiness" and "Utter bliss" :)
ReplyDeleteFor all you ladies still waiting on your angels, don't give up hope!
I'm right there with you. In July of last year my doctor told us if you are going to have another one it has to be now. Our son will be 4 in March. We had to wait 3 months before we could start trying to let my system clear out. I have MS so I was on a lot of drugs. We were ready to start trying and I got sick so we lost another 3 months. Been trying now for 7 months and can I just say "trying " f#$%ing sucks!!! It's not sexy or fun it feels like work and the stress and pressure of it all doesn't help. I hope that I'm in your shoes soon :) Good Luck!
DeleteI, too, have a love hate relationship with pregnancy tests. After two years of negative ones amid all the procedures, pokes, shots and sonograms I finally had one show up positive. Four months later I was in the hospital with complications from a second trimester miscarriage. Two years later I didn't believe the positive test but our little miracle was born healthy and perfect. A month after her first birthday I didn't even have any tests in the house when I suspected I might be pregnant again. Our gift from God showed up later that year. What is that slogan? The most advanced piece of technology you'll ever pee on. All I know it is the longest 2 minutes of any woman's life waiting for those lines to show up.
ReplyDeleteI had the misfortune of going through 10 months of "cut/poison/burn" at age 31 for breast cancer. Two yrs later got the go ahead to try for pregnancy and the ob thought to run a hormone check, which showed menopause. We went to a fertility specialist who then did more tests and told our chances were between slim and not at all of even having success with them. So, some long thought out months of not thinking about it mixed with obsessing and researching left me with the decision if we wanted it bad enough we would adopt. After literally 2 months (sorry those of you struggling) I started feeling like crapola and thought I had Lyme disease. I decided last minute to take a test since we were going on vacation and tend to tipple a bit more than usual. My reaction to the double line, initially, was the last one. Then panic, since I hadn't had a reason to not imbibe whenever I felt like it, then oh shit, then bliss. We are the luckiest parents on earth to have 2 amazing boys. The docs aren't always right......
ReplyDeleteso who's positive pregnancy test is this?
ReplyDeleteThere should be one with just mwahahhahaha beside the positive for those of us who were 36 and had been told they would never get pregnant on their own again, and had an IUD(just to be extra safe). My youngest was 8 I had finally reached the point of both children being independent. Whack out of left field! Now I have a beautiful 4 month old, my tubes tied and a husband considering a vasectomy. We don't play the percentages anymore.
ReplyDeleteSo true. I got the "woot! Woot!" when I was 34. Just a few weeks ago I got the "What a relief. Sort of.Sniffle" at 40. I hate those GD things.
ReplyDeleteAt 20 it was WHUCK.HAVE.I.DONE morphing into slow blooming happiness (was told I would never have kids). At 23 it was Oh shit I am not pregnant and utter despair for 8 months. Then we stopped trying, came to terms and finally one last test it was Oh shit. I am ambivalent about the result and what the hell does that say about me as a person? Because I had come to terms. But of course that became Slowly blooming happiness and then outright JOY.
ReplyDeleteFreakin hilarious! When I got the positive at age 44, I was like, oh yeah, that $14,000 dollars, (really) of ferility treatments finally paid off! Now I'm like, go back to school young wranglers! Now I'm welcoming menopause and Fall!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant post!
Oh mommies!! All of you have made me feel so hopeful!!! 34, 36,40, 44, and 50.... at almost 31 I don't have to give up hope!!! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteI was completely WHUCK with the first one ... and we'd been trying for months, and wanted a baby and everything - it just hit me with such REAL when those lines changed!! I couldn't even tell him for 2 days b/c I was so weirded out. Thanks for letting me know I wasn't the only one to feel that way! :-) Baby #2, on the other hand ... pure happiness, b/c I'm totally and EXPERT now, and completely have this mommy thing figured out. HAHAHA!! :-)
ReplyDeleteWe have been very very blessed to be able to plan our family, get pregnant around when we wanted, and have healthy babies. First one took a few months, then "knocked up, woot woot"and now she is 8, second was when she was an infant and I was like "agggg what have we done" (still not used to mothering the first) but that ended in miscarriage and a lot of tears. A few months later we made a baby plan again, and ended up with twins, and another surprise and early miscarriage when they were toddlers. Then decided on one more"woot woot", and ended up with a silly baby girl:) More blessed than any one ought to be we were done...and then one more "knocked up, you Ok with this?" (of course I am) who is due in January. I have taken so many pregnancy tests in my life, seriously probably 100 or more, and 17 just with the first pregnancy because they were so faint, and I was so scared to enjoy it. Now my home is so full of little people and one more to come, bursting at the seams and they are such a blessing. I pray that all of the women who are waiting for that + have all their dreams come true:)
ReplyDeleteAs a college student I always had a pee stick in my dorm room. Just in case and all that. Never had a positive one, and pretty sure I wasn't the only college girl keeping EPT in business.
ReplyDeleteHappily married for a year and a half I took a pregnancy test at 24. Didn't want kids until around 30. Had the 'Oh, Shit, I'm pregnant moment'. Cursed Trojan and my birth control company for a simultaneous fail. Showed the hubby, who went out and spent about half a paycheck on more pregnancy tests of every type 'just to make sure'. Spent the weekend peeing on sticks. Got one 'inconclusive' and the rest positive. Went into doctor Monday and it was confirmed I had a 7-week old bun in the oven.
Fast forward to 27. Lather, rinse, and repeat, including cursing various b/c methods that failed. Now waiting for number two to join us.
I love the daughter I have, and I love the one I'm waiting for. But dear sweet goodness if I see another pee stick it'll be too soon.
You are the reason I pray every day. My hubby and I, we don't "try" for kids. We succeed. I have never peed on a stick hoping for two lines and been disappointed. I thank God every day for reliable birth control (and yes, we double up because I certainly don't trust just one!)
DeleteI've had a couple of times being a cashier at Target where someone has gone through with a pregnancy test, and I REALLY just want to say something like "good luck with all that" as I scanned it through, since it seems like something that would be pretty appropriate for ALL the potential levels of response, y'know?
ReplyDeleteOMG that's hilarious! I made it to 36 years old without having children, and was pretty sure my future was full of cats and crazy-old-ladyness. And then I felt sort of off, and my best friend told me to take a pregnancy test so I'd feel better. My response was definitely of the "oh shit, I am pregnant" variety. My guy lived in South Dakota at the time (I'm in Illinois), and wow...was that a helluva phone call! Well...now we have a 16 month old daughter, and we're getting married next saturday, so I guess it worked out alright in the end!! But yeah, one test really threw me for a loop.
ReplyDeleteOh! And....that one test was part of a two pack, you know.....and I didn't take a picture of it (cause I was too busy panicking), so later one, I took the other one so I could have a picture of a positive test to put in her baby book. It came out negative. I was 6 months pregnant at the time. lol
Husband and my responses were spot on for the last option there: Yup, I'm pregnant. It wasn't because we weren't excited---which to be fair, with Moe being our first we weren't prepared for it. Everyone expects you to be all giddy. We were like, it's Business Time. (And not the business time flight of the conchords sings about, though that had a hand in it!)
ReplyDeleteHusband said there was no other reason I should have been sick for a whole week straight like I was. And we were trying, so it was more like, okay, we accomplished this, now what?
I tried to find an contact you privately link, but could not (but I am an idiot finding things on line). If you are OK, I'd really rather this would be between Kate and Lydia. Not a big fan of public calling out.
ReplyDeleteI have, for the most part, enjoyed reading your posts. And, while not on softball tournament extravaganzas, I have read almost daily (except the weekends). Recently, you have become less shy about using curse words. I cannot continue reading you if this keeps up. I know you have a great big following now, so you may not care. But a lot of mommies are not into reading cussing. Do what you want, it is your blog. Just thought you may want to know what I thought and what may lose you a following. Also, as a professed church goer, I thought you'd like to know the verse: Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. Eph 5:4
I can have my opinion all I want, but God's Word is not an opinion, it is truth.
“I think at age 35 it should read:
ReplyDeleteII: Yay, God loves you.
I: Boo, God hates you.”
I didn’t even conceive my first child until I was 37. Not sure what God was saying to me. :-P Probably something like "Well, it's about time you found Mr. Wrong and roped him into marrying you/knocking you up." LMAO
The 18 year-old one made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!!! That is just damn awesome!!
ReplyDeleteHow should I read that stick? Haha!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how. Please teach me guys, I mean ladies. :D
Regards,
Nathalie
A Proud Daughter and A Volunteer Writer about Symptoms of Ectopic Pregnancy
How do you always know the perfect thing to say to us gals? This is spot on!
ReplyDeleteBetween ages 28-33, waiting to get pg with our first, I cried over the singe line.
At 39, two kids down and knowing my crazy symptoms were menopause, I cried over the double lines!
This still makes me laugh so much.
ReplyDelete