Friday, August 19, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why Kids and Movie Theaters Don't Go Together

When it's hot out and the kids are bored, sometimes you think - "HEY! Why not go to a movie?"  This is why.

10. I just spent more on candy/popcorn/soda than I earned last year.  The previews are over, the movie is just starting and I am being asked for a sip of my drink because yours is already gone. How is that EVEN possible?

9. I know you're cold.  That's why we brought your sweatshirt.  Oh. It's in the car? Of course it is.

8. Right about the part when all the awesome stuff is about to happen, someone has to poo.

7. "Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking."

6. Turns out our movie wasn't just 3D, it was 4D. How can I tell? Well, let's see. In the scene with the water, my lap was suddenly soaked [Editor's Note: I would like to think it was a spilled soda, but it was warm, and my toddler was in my lap. Super.] Every thud, smack, hit, and loud sound I felt via some strange piercing kick coming from the back of my chair. And, at the part when Mater makes a farting sound, I could actually smell it.

5. Oddly enough, movie theater movies don't pause. My kids were about seven seconds behind the actual movie. Why? Because we started the game of "what did he just say?" and never, ever caught up. It was like bad Japanese dubbing. But with children. In English. 

4. You may not switch seats in the middle of the movie. You may not play with my cell phone because you're bored.  You may not WHISPER THIS LOUD that you want to go home.

3. I spent $26 on movie tickets, $84 on food and we lasted all of 17 minutes before they were all bored and wanted to go home and watch TV.

2. Me: "Get up off the floor!"  IHP: [chewing]
Me: "Oh, gross. Don't eat the popcorn we dropped. Ewww."  
OH YES. This was totally worth $100.
IHP: "I'm not eating popcorn."
Me: "Then what are you doing?" 
IHP: "Eating these chocolate things."
Me: "Oh god...we didn't buy any chocolate things..."

1. Best case scenario? One of them falls asleep. Oh wait did I say best? Because that's exactly when one of the other ones will need to go to the bathroom.  And its so much fun  - and so quiet - waking up a toddler prematurely from a nap. Oh goody. This is awesome. Let's do it again tomorrow.


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

24 comments:

  1. Hi ladies, I just started reading your awestacular blog. It is totally amazing and I would like to thank you so much for saying all the things about parenting that some people would find offensive. I started at the beginning and couldn't put my phone down for about three straight days. (my poor children). I finally caught up and now everyday I am anxiously awaiting what you awesome chicks will come up with next.
    Thanks,
    You guys rock!!!

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  2. Gah how freaking true is all of this???? We try to see a movie every few months, but WOW I always leave about 3 seconds from hyperventilating while curled in the fetal position and crying while rocking back and forth on the floor in the lobby. The theater here has two sets of FIVE chairs in the very very back row against a wall. There is a 'fence' and about a 5 foot gap between these two sets of 5 chairs...I assume this is for the projector, etc. We ALWAYS get there wicked early so we can be the first in line to get in when the movie theater god...er, the pimply faced 16 yr old behind the rope...lets us in so we can make a mad dash for those precious 10 seats (we only really NEED 5 of them at any given time (4 for people and 1 for stuff that of course no one wants to hold after they swear they're gonna die without it--like sweatshirts lol)....but we must get to one set before anyone else, because if someone gets to one side before us, the other side WILL be gone by the time we get around to them. LOL! Anyway...so we sit there. So my kids, in theory, don't 'bug' other people. They can switch seats and whine and mope and be bored all they want because we're in the back and no one has to see through them as they stand in front of me cuz their butts hurt or they need to do the yo gabba gabba get the wiggles out dance.

    Note....it costs us $29 for tickets....and on average about $75 in crap to keep them quiet for a 96 minute kid movie. And for the record, my kids are *OBSESSED* with Cars....I wouldn't thought Cars 2 would've kept them entertained. Nope, not in the slightest. Same movie theater experience as Tangled, Toy Story, Rango, etc. etc. etc. FML.

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  3. LOL...and this is why I haven't visited the movies since little Miss came along...unless mom wants to watch her and I get to go see a movie...

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  4. I want to say thank you for making laugh this morning. I just started reading your blog and I love it. I now realize I'm not the only mom that feels this way.

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  5. Sounds like our trip to Cars 2 3D....wait, were you there too? Cuz that is exactly what happened...including eating pop corn off the floor.

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  6. ha, ha, ha!!!!!
    I just wrote up a post last week about how much I love movies - you need to come here for our summer special. $1 movies, $3 snack thing, stairs for the baby to crawl up and down, big seats for the kids and i'm DEAF so i couldn't care how much noise anyone makes... :)

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  7. This is why we haven't gone to a movie since 2009. Netflix is much cheaper. There might still be pee on my lap and strange chocolate on the floor, but at least it didn't cost me $100.

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  8. Oh yeah, that is why we bought that big screen TV. I will never take my kids to another movie. My Son has sensory issues and we have to leave everytime.

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  9. I have three boys, and six years old seemed to be the best age for *MY* kids to sit still long enough in a theater for movies, without all the drama above. They were all ready in school at least a year, so they sort of got the importance of sitting down, being semi-quiet (I got the occasional question, which I expected), etc.

    My philosophy about movie theaters: I didn't really care if it was a cutesy/cool Disney film, or some other cartoon they HAD to see... if my kid wasn't 6, he wasn't going. He could wait until we got it on DVD.

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  10. Don't forget that in spite of the fact that your are at a PG rated movie there are always scads of teenagers who are cursing and talking about sex, right behind your 5 year old who turns to you and says, "Mommy, what's a BJ?"
    face.
    palm.

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  11. To escape yet another day of 100+ degree weather, I took all four kids to see the Winnie the Pooh movie last week. And they were awesome.

    Not so much the kid behind me kicking my seat.

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  12. I am SO glad that I am not the only one who practically has to duct tape my kid to get her to stay in her seat. All my friends' children are very calm in the theater while my daughter has to be held down or else she just wanders the theater up and down the stairs.

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  13. We've been going to a drive in recently. Between the first row of cars and the movie screen, there's a huge open space where my wild chimpansloths can run and scream and throw each other and play with all the other wild chimpansloths and my husband and I can sit in the back of the van and drink mommy juice. And bonus, they show a kids' movie and then a grown up movie, and it's so late that it's possible the kids have fallen asleep by the time the grown up movie comes on and the back of the van makes a wonderful fort bed. We've done that a few times this summer and it has really been fun. Except that it's a little more than an hour away from home, and when the first movie doesn't start till about 9:30, after the second movie and the drive home it's about time to start the next day. With tired and cranky wild chimpansloths.

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  14. Girl you need to hit up a Walgreens or CVS to get the drinks and candy and stash it in your purse. That way you'll also have control over when they get to eat and drink.....after the commercials preferably!!

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  15. That's why we wait for the movies to get to the discount theatre before taking the kids. That way if they get bored, need to run around or decide we HAVE to leave then we aren't out a ton of money. And other people can't get annoyed because Hey, it only costs $2 and that's why they are there too ;-)

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  16. I've been considering asking our neighbourhood theatre if they'd give us a chance to *try* a movie on the cheap. Something like, "if we don't make it past the previews, can we have a refund?" My kids have autism. One *loves* the movie theatre, but she's 16. I'm a little concerned that the 5 year old simply wouldn't care about the movie and would want to crawl around on the floor and eat the food he finds there and in other people's laps - all of which he's allergic to. (Seriously. Did you know there's gluten in movie theatre popcorn?! Also, he's allergic to corn...)

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  17. I just laughed so hard I spit out my tea! I did make the supremely unwise decision to take my 2 yr old to the Winnie the Pooh movie, but we went to the matinee, and wouldn't you know it? We were the ONLY PEOPLE THERE. And she was a total angel. That only happened because there was no one else there, and if it happened in a vacuum, did it really happen at all? I can guarantee it never will again.

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  18. Drive in!!! And we can put the kids to sleep in the car and watch the grown up movie that follows! Best $16 ever!!!!

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  19. Now I am so glad I only go to the free summer movies (actually ones that are already out on DVD) with the kids and another adult friend and her kids in tow. I did this just yesterday. Had to leave with the toddler when the awesome resolution was happening. She just wanted to get some popcorn. Thank goodness all the grey hair they have given me (and way overdue dye job) scored me the senior special. Only $4.95 for the tiny popcorn and soda! Then said toddler wanted to go back into the movie. We walked back in as everyone else was leaving. Thank goodness my frien was there so I could leave pre-schooler with her to watch the end of the movie and then tell me (sort of) what happened. I cannot imagine paying money to see a movie and then having to go through this. Too bad they only offer this in the summer. And I bet next summer they raise the price to $1.00 like all the other theatres charge around here for the summer kids shows.

    Jrseygirl in VA

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  20. "Because we started the game of "what did he just say?" and never, ever caught up. It was like bad Japanese dubbing. But with children. In English. "

    haaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!

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  21. I would love to know where you're taking 3 kids and an adult to see movies - and the tickets only cost around $26!!! Does the cheap movie theater near the university offer 3D?? If so, we'll wait a bit and not have to spend $26 for TWO tickets at the chicken mall in our area!!! And I've gotten to the point where I make sure I bring my big purse for the candy. $20 for one popcorn and two sodas is absolutely ridunkulous and my limit.
    Thanks for always making us realize we aren't alone in our crazy!

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  22. Two words ladies Drive. In. You must find one. Ever so much better than a movie theatre. Step one: Go to the corner store and buy your snacks and hide them somewhere in the car. Step two: Pack pillows and blankets and any essential bedtime things. Step Three: Pack Some outside toys and lawn chairs.

    THen go to the movies and get there early and RUN THOSE KIDS. Last time we went, we played mini golf until our two year old was ready to drop. We then went back to the SUV and built a fort in the trunk and she got into her jammies. She loved it. It was an adventure. The bonuses? They are cheaper. You can bring your own snacks and if your kids start acting like howler monkeys you can toss them out of the car and they can yell and laugh all they want without bothering other patrons. The movie starts late so if you have a fort in the back they fall asleep, they are already for bed and you can just move them to their seats when it's time to go home.

    We have done this many times with various kids and it's always been awesome. Just bring some bug spray. Sometimes it's needed.

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  23. Oh my goodness. This is why we don't do movies often.

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