Friday, August 19, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why Kids and Movie Theaters Don't Go Together

When it's hot out and the kids are bored, sometimes you think - "HEY! Why not go to a movie?"  This is why.

10. I just spent more on candy/popcorn/soda than I earned last year.  The previews are over, the movie is just starting and I am being asked for a sip of my drink because yours is already gone. How is that EVEN possible?

9. I know you're cold.  That's why we brought your sweatshirt.  Oh. It's in the car? Of course it is.

8. Right about the part when all the awesome stuff is about to happen, someone has to poo.

7. "Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking. Pleasestoptalking."

6. Turns out our movie wasn't just 3D, it was 4D. How can I tell? Well, let's see. In the scene with the water, my lap was suddenly soaked [Editor's Note: I would like to think it was a spilled soda, but it was warm, and my toddler was in my lap. Super.] Every thud, smack, hit, and loud sound I felt via some strange piercing kick coming from the back of my chair. And, at the part when Mater makes a farting sound, I could actually smell it.

5. Oddly enough, movie theater movies don't pause. My kids were about seven seconds behind the actual movie. Why? Because we started the game of "what did he just say?" and never, ever caught up. It was like bad Japanese dubbing. But with children. In English. 

4. You may not switch seats in the middle of the movie. You may not play with my cell phone because you're bored.  You may not WHISPER THIS LOUD that you want to go home.

3. I spent $26 on movie tickets, $84 on food and we lasted all of 17 minutes before they were all bored and wanted to go home and watch TV.

2. Me: "Get up off the floor!"  IHP: [chewing]
Me: "Oh, gross. Don't eat the popcorn we dropped. Ewww."  
OH YES. This was totally worth $100.
IHP: "I'm not eating popcorn."
Me: "Then what are you doing?" 
IHP: "Eating these chocolate things."
Me: "Oh god...we didn't buy any chocolate things..."

1. Best case scenario? One of them falls asleep. Oh wait did I say best? Because that's exactly when one of the other ones will need to go to the bathroom.  And its so much fun  - and so quiet - waking up a toddler prematurely from a nap. Oh goody. This is awesome. Let's do it again tomorrow.


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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