Friday, August 12, 2011

Don't Ask Your Kids: What Has Mommy has Taught You?

The other day, our dear friend Ellen (she who is both tiny and hardcore) took her family out to dinner. While having a civilized meal, her husband posed the following question to their children; "What has your mommy taught you?"

Ellen, who is an excellent mother, expected something like: "how to be a good person" or "that we are very fortunate and should always be grateful" or "it's important to be respectful". Something along those lines. Instead she got #10 and we got this post. Because we had to ask our own kids the same question and their responses were just as horrifying.

10. "If my mommy has taught me anything in my life.... It is how to do laundry."

9. "Sharpies are Mommy's favorite even if they taste yucky."

8. "What mommy likes best to do in the whole, entire world is to send kids to bed early."

7. "Oh! That if you shake the Wii remote like this [mimics something vaguely pornographic with Wii remote in his hand] then you can build the Lego stuff faster than just pressing the button. But you still do it way faster than me. You practiced."

6. "Do NOT scream and yell in a public bathroom."
5. "To hook my bra in the front and then spin it around. Do you know how long it takes the other way? Like, forever."

4. "Math...how to read...and that the red wine goes in the big round wine glass and not in the tall skinny wine glass. Unless it has French words on the bottle or something."

3. "I'm not supposed to say to da strangers dat I'm wearing underpants now."

2. "I'm not supposed to whisper to dem dat I'm wearing underpants, either."

1. "Wipe three times then have mommy do a cross check."
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

37 comments:

  1. My eight year old said "Hm. I mostly hafta tell you how to do everything, so I don't really know!" My 14 year old said "Shoot first, ask questions later."

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  2. My kids' response: "I don't know."

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  3. can't wait to ask my kids. and by can't wait I mean "loathe to hear the answer"

    loved this!!

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  4. My kids: One said "to be nice" and the other said "to not whine". Huh. Who knew?!

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  5. I taught my 2 yr old son that if he bites his nails, his fingers will fall off.

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  6. My son (age 13): "There is nothing wrong with being gay"
    Stepdaughter (age 10): "If you are nice to people they might be your friend"
    Visiting friend: "Don't take candy from strangers in white vans."

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  7. Ha... teaching my three year old not to tell strangers that she's wearing undewear now is the least of my concerns. Her current conversational opener is, "When I was a baby I was in my mommy's tummy."

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  8. I so love #4... the bra comment is hysterical as well.

    My kids are teens.. I wonder what they would say.

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  9. I was asking my 20-month-old daughter what sounds animals make when I decided to ask, "What does mommy say?" My husband replied, "Not in the mouth." It was not meant to be as dirty as it sounds...

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

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  10. I asked my 6 year old son this and he came up with 3 answers.
    1. You don't have to act like a freak. 2. Do not act crazy in public. 3. You do not have to make noise 24 hours a days.

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  11. I got "to not change the channels" and "to be good in school" ( from my kid who is not in school yet ... )

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  12. One of my 4 year old twins barked at me.
    The other said I've taught her about art and her ABCs.
    My oldest said "You taught me about TV and that the things I see on TV aren't real, and how to use the remote." When I asked her if I've taught her anything other than about the TV she paused, said "I've gotta think" and went back to picking up her toys.

    Haha at Julie, my husband taught my twins to say "nagnagnagnagnag" when asked what Mommy says!

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  13. "Not to run away while crying when my mother is talking to me" (5 yr old)
    We had a rough morning

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  14. 4 y.o.: "How to say "asshole!" when someone does something silly while we're driving and how to play Angry Birds!"

    FACEPALM.

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  15. ilikebeerandbabies LOL! Not meant to be dirty, but it certainly was! When my 2 year old was learning animal sounds I taught him to respond to the question of "what does daddy say?" with a snoring sound since Daddy naps and sleeps a lot! He of course in turn taught him to make fake crying and whining the sound mommy makes, but I find the snoring much more amusing! :)

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  16. First response from my six year old daughter was "I don't know. Numbers?" Second from her was "We need to be nice and be good". My five year old son mimicked her and said "Be good".

    I seriously thought I would get something like "Wine is for mommies only" or "Go to bed!"

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  17. So I asked my kids...Thing 2 said "you taught me not to eat the dried fruit at Fred Meyer before we pay because that's stealing!"
    Thing One said manners.
    Not as bad as expected!

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  18. My 7yr old said "To go to the bathroom" and my 9yr old said "Bad words"

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  19. On my last tutoring job, a teacher asked the kindergarteners what they had been learning from me over the last 3 weeks. I fully expected something profound (or at least curriculum related). The THREE children IN UNISON replied:

    "We don't put things in our mouths because we don't know where they've been!"

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  20. My child has also told a stranger that he is wearing Spider-Man underpants (hangs head in shame). At least the woman he told answered him with, "Congratulations, young man!"

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  21. 4yo: "don't get runned over."

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  22. I got, "Why?" from my 6 year old girl and then..."No hitting back!". And from the 3 yr old boy I received, "Always put your seatbelt on". I thought mine were going to be much more humorous!

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  23. I think I just peed myself from reading the RESPONSES!!!

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  24. My conversation went something like this:

    "Tiny, what have I taught you"
    (Blank stare)
    "Anything?"
    "...uh...... what?"
    "Have I taught you anything? At all? Ever in your life?"
    (Blank stare)
    "Tiny! Did you hear my question? Have I taught you anything ever?"
    "Listening?. Yeah, listening"

    I've officially failed at being a mother.

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  25. My 9-year-old required a minute to think about it, then came up with this:
    1)be weird
    2)be annoying to Daddy
    3)poking and tickling
    4)school stuff
    5)how to cook

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  26. When I first asked this question, I got a blank stare, but hubby pointed out he had a mouth full of food, and e's been taught not to talk with his mouth full....
    His actual response...
    I don't smack my sister....

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  27. Son: I have no clue.
    Daughter: Nuttin.

    Well, on that note, where's the wine?

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  28. "not to talk to strangers" from my 12yr old

    "when they wait in the car not to open the doors for anyone even a police man, bc they could be a fake in a costume." from my 8yr old

    "when you're in a mood, not to bother you" from my 8yr old step daughter

    "dont run at the dog park" from my 7yr stepson

    LOL!

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  29. 11 year old: not to drink alcoholic beverages

    7 year old: not to run away from home even when I am mad.

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  30. From my 9 and 6 year old- NOTHING! Fail. sigh What has daddy taught them (they even wrote this on paper at daycare)- There is always time for drinking beer, Daddy's favorite thing in the world is beer, and how to get the beer.

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  31. My son, who's 4, said "If you pick your nose, it will bleed." Followed by "And we don't yell at Mommy's work because it's a grown-up place where people are thinkin'"

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  32. My 17 yr old daughter, who I just had to ask: "If you take antibiotics, your birth control is ineffective." Well, I guess that is better than laundry.

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  33. Well I have a 9 month old, so it's not like she can tell me, but the top phrases in our house probably are: "Go play on the floor. Mama needs a nap", "Stop eating that poopy diaper! No eating poop for babies!", and "Seriously. You have to stop hitting yourself."

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