Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What Cell Phone Cameras ARE FOR

Recently my phone told me that I had to start deleting stuff.  I think my phone was being assholic because I do not like to delete things.  Especially pictures.  But like a good little boll weevil I began scrolling through photos and texts and getting rid of stuff.  However, there were a few photos I wanted to share with you before I deleted them out of existence.  They may lend a rather twisted and fetid insight into my brain. You may find yourself asking; "Why would she feel compelled to take a picture of that with her phone?"
I have no idea. [Hangs head.] I was born this way.

Here are ten pictures from my phone along with a brief caption or explanation.

"No.  I'm sorry children but you may not get a popsicle 
from the To Catch A Predator Ice Cream Truck." 


"I totally wasted my placenta last time."



It is the use of quotes that makes this awesome. It elevates it to genius.
 "Hammertime"


My name is my calling card.
No. I mean that literally.


It's a trifecta of deeply discounted, gently used and long lasting relief.


Also for sale at CVS...
Based on the box, I'm pretty sure it's *exactly* like wearing nothing at all. 


Lydia ate indian food and got this very special boobstain and then had to tell people to stop staring at her tits.


My youngest offspring was unsupervised for less than two minutes and gave herself a mani-pedi.
Which prompted the question from her father - "does she have mange?"














We didn't want to call it the "Du Du Express". We wanted to call it the "Shit Train" but apparently some people thought that was offensive. 

Also NJ Transit had it trademarked.

It's like a snapshot from great literature or a magical childhood adventure...
about a special whale made of posterboard...
And a Big White Tampon.


Please note that this whale was later used for a church musical - at which time suspects that shall not be named attached a large, fully erect, and totally glittered horn to his noggin  - completing his transformation into a mythical narwhale.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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