Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What Cell Phone Cameras ARE FOR

Recently my phone told me that I had to start deleting stuff.  I think my phone was being assholic because I do not like to delete things.  Especially pictures.  But like a good little boll weevil I began scrolling through photos and texts and getting rid of stuff.  However, there were a few photos I wanted to share with you before I deleted them out of existence.  They may lend a rather twisted and fetid insight into my brain. You may find yourself asking; "Why would she feel compelled to take a picture of that with her phone?"
I have no idea. [Hangs head.] I was born this way.

Here are ten pictures from my phone along with a brief caption or explanation.

"No.  I'm sorry children but you may not get a popsicle 
from the To Catch A Predator Ice Cream Truck." 

"I totally wasted my placenta last time."

It is the use of quotes that makes this awesome. It elevates it to genius.

My name is my calling card.
No. I mean that literally.

It's a trifecta of deeply discounted, gently used and long lasting relief.

Also for sale at CVS...
Based on the box, I'm pretty sure it's *exactly* like wearing nothing at all. 

Lydia ate indian food and got this very special boobstain and then had to tell people to stop staring at her tits.

My youngest offspring was unsupervised for less than two minutes and gave herself a mani-pedi.
Which prompted the question from her father - "does she have mange?"

We didn't want to call it the "Du Du Express". We wanted to call it the "Shit Train" but apparently some people thought that was offensive. 

Also NJ Transit had it trademarked.

It's like a snapshot from great literature or a magical childhood adventure...
about a special whale made of posterboard...
And a Big White Tampon.

Please note that this whale was later used for a church musical - at which time suspects that shall not be named attached a large, fully erect, and totally glittered horn to his noggin  - completing his transformation into a mythical narwhale.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. My two-year-old tried the mani-pedi without as much success. My couch is still complaining.

  2. "Gently used"...good God, ya'll. I may never recover.

  3. I saw that Henna 'N Placenta at Wal-Mart and I was compelled to take a picture and put it ALL over FB. Who actually *uses* that stuff?!

  4. The shit train is the one that got me...nothing like a good poop joke first thing in the morning!

  5. To combine your thoughts for Pictures #1 and 4, while driving in rural MA yesterday, I saw a place called "Camp Ramsbottom." I mean, there are a lot of names to choose from for a camp CAMP.... FOR CHILDREN. Ones that are good advertisement, giving that summery, home-away-from-home feeling of safety and fun... and might make parents feel a teense more comfortable... I'm wondering at what point Camp Pedophilia was ruled out.

  6. who's using someone else's placenta on their heads???? and who is donating it???? what is wrong with people?! (and THANK YOU for taking a picture of it!)

  7. I am a big fan of the "thinometer" on top of the condom box.

  8. Love the picture of the ice-cream and mattress truck. A classic.

  9. I think the To Catch Predator IC truck might also help you catch listeria if you are looking to lose some weight the essay way.


  10. I love Peed Plumbing! I laugh every time I see it. As if that doesn't make me a 7 year old boy . . . in Front Royal our buses are Front Royal Area Transit or FRAT. I always think it says FART and laugh when I see the bus. My three boys don't stand a chance.

  11. Yesterday my brother was at my house to help me hang some pictures and shelves. Every time he asked me to hand him the hammer I said, "hammer, don't hurt 'em." I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who loves MC...

  12. Um.... you are too lucky to have had all those pics on your phone. Mine are all portraits of my kids teddy bears coupled with the random snap of me getting out of the shower. Lesson: ALWAYS check your phone after your kids have been playing with it.

  13. Ahh these are so much fun!
    Thin AND Strong! Double CHECK!

    I used to take pictures of dirty diapers left in parking lots and text those to my best friend. My phone used to be full of those because they are EVERYWHERE. Seriously?! I never once in my diapered kid stage left a dirty diaper in a parking lot. WTShizz.

  14. Oh my gosh, thank you for giving me first hysterical laugh of the morning!

  15. Thanks for the laugh! Very impressed with the job on the mani-pedi! What did the couch/bathroom look like when she was done?

  16. I was at Wal-Mart the other day and coldn't resist taking a pic of the Ruffles Double Fisted Bacon Burger flavored chips. Eww.

    PS.It's animal placenta, not human.

  17. I use the henna n placenta. Yes, it sounds gross. It's extracted from lamb placenta, I think. It does an amazing job on my hair.

  18. Haven't laughed this hard in a long time!




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