Monday, August 1, 2011

What Happens When You Send Us Spam

[Editor's Note: The following is a TOTALLY 100% true email exchange. xo, Lydia]

Let me put on my delicate lady gloves
so that I may properly answer your email.
From: Ian XXXX
To: ""
Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2011 2:20 AM
Subject: just a thought on your site RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND

Good day!

I dropped by RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND today, as I browse through I noticed it has been constantly updated, nonetheless, updates are still very interesting and it's nice to see a site that is not boring at all. It was awesome!

I'm writing today just to see if we could work something out. Is this the right address that I should be writing?


Dear Ian,

Good day to you, sir!

Thank you for writing to us. That was a very interesting email. We totally loved it but also wondered what the hell you were talking about when you suggested we "work something out". You see, we are very stupid and bad at the interwebs and you were also sort of vague. So we decided to get creative and give you some options of what we think you meant. After all, we are obviously "professional" bloggers.

1. You are an old Russian man with candy in your pants and you think that when we call each other "hooker" it is because we are actually prostitutes. Sadly, we are not. If "working something out" involves the working out of anything you may have (ahem) backed up or anything else having to do with sexy time, the answer is no.

2. You would like to date us because we're both so hawt. We understand. Staring at Lydia's face is like staring at the sun. Her fierce and seductive beauty will literally blind you. Kate is also OK. However, the answer here is no as well. We are both married.

3. You would like to pay us to advertise or promote something on our bad-ass, often updated blog.  What exactly are you talking about? What is the product or service? Does it involve awesomeness, wholesome family fun or delicious flavor? Then maybe. Does it involve any Hello Kitty products or sexy time? Then no. Please understand that dealing with advertising is WORK and it's sort of complicated figuring out money and paypal and contracts and as we mentioned before, we are both stupid and bad at blogging, so you will have to pay us sort of a lot (even for delicious flavor) or it just gets us all confused and disheveled and it kind of isn't worth the effort.

4. You would like us to advertise or promote your stuff but you would like us to do it for free. Here's the thing, Ian. Just because we're not sexy time hookers doesn't mean we don't really like the money. We actually love the money. And see, if we give it up for free - then it sort furthers this notion that our goodies aren't worth anything. Sort of like how Lydia "doesn't work anymore" because she takes care of three kids all day and gets poo smeared on her instead of going to an office and getting a paycheck. You need to know (and we're about testify that): OUR GOODIES ARE TOTALLY WORTH THE MONEY. So no free advertising, Ian.

5. You want us to do a give-away of your product or service.  We have this thing on our blog's main page that says "We don't do give-aways".  If you're wondering what that means we totally understand because it's extremely complicated.  Here's what we mean: We don't do give-aways.  We did a couple and for some reason, they annoyed people.  So we don't do them anymore.  It was like an experiement. Because as you probably know, we love science.  And not just because we get to wear lab coats. We do that anyway.

6. You would like to submit a post for us to publish on our site. Here's the thing - we will need to read it first but if its as fun as your emails and you're OK with us putting in some editor's notes and graphics - your chances are looking good.

7. You think our blog is "not boring at all" and would like to give us a million dollars and a book deal and would also like to develop an HBO series called: "Awesome Sauce in MommyLand" starring Tina Fey and Kristin Wiig and John Hamm and Alexandar Skarsgard and we get to be the bosses of the show so they have to be our friends and like us and take pictures with us that we then post on Facebook and use as our Christmas cards. The answer here is OH EVEN YESSER.

We eagerly await your response.


Kate & Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. That's a great response. I wish I had written something like that to some douche who wanted me to follow his Christian blog on a post about my dead mother. He wasn't even Christian enough to read the post he left the comment on.

  2. I just noticed that "Ian"'s last name is not just triple X, but quadruple X! I think "Ian" wants to marry you BOTH, bigtime. I don't know, you may want to consider such a fantastic offer, your surname would be a bunch of X's -- that ain't hay, ladies..... ~Melissa

  3. How tired am I that the first thing I thought of when I read the title was, "Why would someone mail them a can of spam?!". Love your responses to him!

  4. This is baffling and hilarious at the same time.

  5. Hi! I am commenting in this totally awesome comment box, which is very interesting and rectangular! I really like what you have constantly written here. Thank you for content. I hope we can work together soon.

  6. Hahahaha, oh how I love you ladies! The giggling that this provided got me in a great mood right before I have to leave for work- thanks :)

  7. Wow, I almost spit out my coffee from laughing so hard. I love you!

  8. This blog is hilarious but the comment from Julia's Bookbag is really icing on the cake. Thanks for a fun start to the day.

  9. TINA FEY!! Sorry she's playing me when they make a movie about a stay at home mom of three sitting on her couch reading blogs on her iPhone and ignoring the kids while they try to destroy the house and themselves. It's going to be awesome. So unfortunately Tina can't be in your movie bc of the conflict.

  10. LMAO! Thanks for an awesome start for the day! I love how your minds think :)

  11. 8. You are a foreign prince who has no understanding of English but needs only $5,000 to get out of a slavery contract of an evil witch, after which, you will grant us $1 bajillionty dollars.


  12. What a hilarious and ballsy way to start out August! I so love that you stand up for your awesome creation and don't allow yourselves to be taken advantage of. Mr.XXXX can find some other hookers to peddle his ambiguous shady undefined wares to! Thanks for the morning giggle! :)

  13. I love you ladies! Ian you had no idea what you were doing when you sent that totally lame email! LOL Eat that! hahahaha

  14. AWESOME!!!!!! There are no other words!! I want to be your friends and hang out, have you like ME and take pictures and be in my Christmas cards!!!

  15. I think Tina Fey is the Mom we all want to be. I love you guys, thanks for making my morning coffee (sometimes Irish!) even yesser. Keep it up :D

  16. Hmmm...when I click the "old Russian man with candy in your pants" link, I'm being directed to Pregnant Chicken's blog post about a very phallic pregnancy pillow...

  17. *wall slides* I love this more than I love cake. That's a lot.

  18. Great way to start my I can go water the freakin' forest of plants in my back yard while imagining what Ian's face looked like as he read your response! Let the giggling ensue! And only the hummingbirds and chickadees will know I'm insane!

  19. Love with a capital LOVE! I wish we knew each other in real life! Happy Hours would be that much better :)

  20. What I want to know is if he wrote back!

  21. Love love LOVE this! And I think you totally need to have your peeps contact HBO about doing that show with that EXACT cast. You have inspired me to be more creative in dealing with my own spammers and spammentors...thanks!

  22. I love both of you hookers. That is all.

  23. You leave us with such a cliff hanger!




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