Monday, August 1, 2011

What Happens When You Send Us Spam

[Editor's Note: The following is a TOTALLY 100% true email exchange. xo, Lydia]

Let me put on my delicate lady gloves
so that I may properly answer your email.
From: Ian XXXX
To: ""
Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2011 2:20 AM
Subject: just a thought on your site RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND

Good day!

I dropped by RANTS FROM MOMMYLAND today, as I browse through I noticed it has been constantly updated, nonetheless, updates are still very interesting and it's nice to see a site that is not boring at all. It was awesome!

I'm writing today just to see if we could work something out. Is this the right address that I should be writing?


Dear Ian,

Good day to you, sir!

Thank you for writing to us. That was a very interesting email. We totally loved it but also wondered what the hell you were talking about when you suggested we "work something out". You see, we are very stupid and bad at the interwebs and you were also sort of vague. So we decided to get creative and give you some options of what we think you meant. After all, we are obviously "professional" bloggers.

1. You are an old Russian man with candy in your pants and you think that when we call each other "hooker" it is because we are actually prostitutes. Sadly, we are not. If "working something out" involves the working out of anything you may have (ahem) backed up or anything else having to do with sexy time, the answer is no.

2. You would like to date us because we're both so hawt. We understand. Staring at Lydia's face is like staring at the sun. Her fierce and seductive beauty will literally blind you. Kate is also OK. However, the answer here is no as well. We are both married.

3. You would like to pay us to advertise or promote something on our bad-ass, often updated blog.  What exactly are you talking about? What is the product or service? Does it involve awesomeness, wholesome family fun or delicious flavor? Then maybe. Does it involve any Hello Kitty products or sexy time? Then no. Please understand that dealing with advertising is WORK and it's sort of complicated figuring out money and paypal and contracts and as we mentioned before, we are both stupid and bad at blogging, so you will have to pay us sort of a lot (even for delicious flavor) or it just gets us all confused and disheveled and it kind of isn't worth the effort.

4. You would like us to advertise or promote your stuff but you would like us to do it for free. Here's the thing, Ian. Just because we're not sexy time hookers doesn't mean we don't really like the money. We actually love the money. And see, if we give it up for free - then it sort furthers this notion that our goodies aren't worth anything. Sort of like how Lydia "doesn't work anymore" because she takes care of three kids all day and gets poo smeared on her instead of going to an office and getting a paycheck. You need to know (and we're about testify that): OUR GOODIES ARE TOTALLY WORTH THE MONEY. So no free advertising, Ian.

5. You want us to do a give-away of your product or service.  We have this thing on our blog's main page that says "We don't do give-aways".  If you're wondering what that means we totally understand because it's extremely complicated.  Here's what we mean: We don't do give-aways.  We did a couple and for some reason, they annoyed people.  So we don't do them anymore.  It was like an experiement. Because as you probably know, we love science.  And not just because we get to wear lab coats. We do that anyway.

6. You would like to submit a post for us to publish on our site. Here's the thing - we will need to read it first but if its as fun as your emails and you're OK with us putting in some editor's notes and graphics - your chances are looking good.

7. You think our blog is "not boring at all" and would like to give us a million dollars and a book deal and would also like to develop an HBO series called: "Awesome Sauce in MommyLand" starring Tina Fey and Kristin Wiig and John Hamm and Alexandar Skarsgard and we get to be the bosses of the show so they have to be our friends and like us and take pictures with us that we then post on Facebook and use as our Christmas cards. The answer here is OH EVEN YESSER.

We eagerly await your response.


Kate & Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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